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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD never at home

48 replies

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 09:03

Have posted before but slightly new topic. Since meeting her boyfriend 6 months ago DD has not stayed home for more than two nights in a row. He has his own place. He's a very bad influence but that's not the issue. The issue is this constant staying over at his. We have no leverage. She could move out and live there (she's 17, upper 6th form). But she gets nothing done at his. No college work, no decent night's sleep, no decent food. I can see the appeal - own little escape pad, nearer to friends/college/work etc. But I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to come home more often. We've discussed her living with him in an adult way but she says she doesn't want to!!!!!! I try to stay detached and balanced and I think I do a lot of the time (eg. lack of college work, constantly being unreliable etc..) but this one thing keeps sending me over the edge and we end up falling out again. Anyone else going through or been through similar?

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MrsJayy · 28/01/2016 09:08

Do you fund her I am assuming you do I think at 17 and essentially still at school you have parental responsibility for her if she isnt living at home id stop funding her wants to live like an adult she can get a job imo

PennyHasNoSurname · 28/01/2016 09:10

Yep. Cut off the cash supply. Id imagine he will fund stuff they do together but if she cant afford stuff then she can bloody well.come back home and concentrate on her schoolwork!

gamerchick · 28/01/2016 09:11

I would stop funding her as well. If you don't already then I maybe would tell her since she's obviously moved out you have plans for her room and see what she says.

But ultimately there is little you can do. I had long gone by that age.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/01/2016 09:20

Does she have a plan for after college? Is she going to uni?

You can check with college if she is turning up too. I have one exactly the same age and I fretted about her not doing the work - the reality is that she does all her work in college (everything in on time, everything C or above) but does nothing at all out of it. Never missed a lesson, study group, tutor group.

She has a job out of college instead. Probably no different to a boyfriend time wise.

So I'd start with checking if the works being done, if she's attending every lesson.

If not I'd cut the financials. The contract with 'life' is no one pays you to sit on your arse- so go to college or have no money (and beans on toast at home). I don't find arse sitters

LaurieFairyCake · 28/01/2016 09:21

fund arse sitters

MrsJayy · 28/01/2016 09:26

Arse sitters [grin

Original poster

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 09:27

Yeah I thought the funding issue would come up. She has a PT job. We give her a small amount (£10 a week) and have insured her car. I appreciate what you're all saying, but she would still manage financially I think. She'd work more (so college would suffer) and yes he pays for stuff. She wouldn't be able to insure the car, but it's insured till November anyway. Re: checking with college, we're in constant communication! Her attendance is awful and grades well below her potential. She's slightly improved with this recently. She missed a lot of school coz of anxiety issues, but a lot better now. I get what you're saying about being more hard line but I think all that would achieve is her moving out completely and us having no relationship with her at all.

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Original poster

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 09:29

Sorry Laurie didn't answer your question. She's applied to uni but hasn't totally decided whether to go or not.

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MrsJayy · 28/01/2016 09:29

What do you want to happen ? Do you want her home or do you want her to buck up and if she bucked up you would be ok with her at the boyfriends

Original poster

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 09:33

Mrsjay Well in an ideal world I want her home, buckling down to work and the boyfriend completely out of the picture (as I said, he's a bad influence). I suppose yes, if she upped the anti at college I would put up with her being away from home a bit more. But would still be sad as I like to see her - it's not all about making her do work. But in my head the two are linked: being at his equals no work.

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MrsJayy · 28/01/2016 09:37

I have had 2 17yr olds and I would be upset as well if mine were faffing like this its about respect I think for herself and you and she is swanning about doing what she likes will the college chuck her out if she isnt going or putting the work in?

MsMims · 28/01/2016 09:38

Would you be willing to let her bring him to stay with her, so she gets more into the habit of being at home and can't use wanting to see him as an excuse?

Alternatively, go down the route of your home not being a halfway house and if she wants to spend so much time at his then she needs to commit and move in fully. I imagine the appeal will soon die down when she can't pop home for respite of a good nights sleep and a proper meal once or twice a week. If the relationship isn't healthy being together a lot more could speed up how fast things come to an end, too.

MrsJayy · 28/01/2016 09:39

What would she do if you said no get your backside home you have college in the morning

Original poster

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 09:47

Yes I have two older DCs and they were not like this in any way, shape or form. So this has been a learning curve. I don't think they'll chuck her out. They pay lip service to it as a blanket rule but have been incredibly patient with her because of the anxiety issues (panic attacks etc). This does complicate matters and I recognise I'm probably too lenient and over involved as a result. We took the hard line in year ten (confiscating phone, lap top, money, grounding) and she's been brought up sensibly with lots of boundaries imo, but then she had a melt down at the start of year 11 and needed a lot of nurturing to get back to school. We have a close relationship I believe. But she's come on leaps and bounds since then and there's no excuse for not coming home. It's not a big thing to ask. When she fails to come home she'll often be upset afterwards and say she's letting everyone down etc. But then repeats the behaviour! It's not as if I'm asking for much - I actually only request it about once a month! The rest of the time she comes voluntarily, about twice a week. I asked her this week coz she'd been gone for six days. Just wondered if anyone had a magic answer, clutching at straws! I'll talk to her again today about it all.

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Original poster

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 09:50

Mrsjay she complies : 'OK then'. But doesn't do it: 'oh I fell asleep' 'oh sorry such and such a friend really needs me bla bla' any excuse. Sometimes she does actually comply.

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MsMims · 28/01/2016 09:50

Do you think she's being pressured to stay out by her boyfriend?

Original poster

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 09:52

Msmims DH won't have him home. Criminal record and linked to drugs. Small time stuff, probably a kid gone off on the wrong track. Maybe a wrong decision on our part but that's how it is. Might have to implement your second suggestion. Want to maintain the relationship though.

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MrsJayy · 28/01/2016 09:53

Sorry no magic solution you sound done in i know you dont want to mention her bf but do you think he is controlling her she sounds vulnerable but maybe a gentle bur firmer line is needed

Original poster

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 09:55

I know she is, she's told me! He has a go at her, whinges on etc. Was worried about abuse but she now says 'he's not angry, just sad/upset'. I am still worried about abuse. I've spoken to her about it. Can't force her to leave him though. Not worried about physical violence, but minor verbal/emotional. But I have absolutely no experience.

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Original poster

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 09:57

Mrsjay was answering Msmims there but I think it answers your question.

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Original poster

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 09:59

You've both been great. I am starting to feel done in but I'm a balanced, happy person normally and I've coped so far. DH a good support when he isn't getting wound up about it all. I'm going to try the gentle but firmer line. Did read one post once that said they wished their mother had intervened more which made me very sad. We have lots of discussions, time for more.

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MrsJayy · 28/01/2016 10:01

Your poor girl talk to her about how she isnt reaponsible foranybodies sadness/upset maybe he says stuff like I am lonely when you are at college stay home with me etc etc.

AgathaF · 28/01/2016 10:35

Could you get her something to read in her own time about emotional abuse and the different forms it can take? I don't know of anything personally, but MNers are a wise bunch, so I'm sure someone will. It seems that she doesn't fully understand what he's doing. She might need to 'discover' the reality for herself, which is why reading material might be good.

Original poster

Peebles1 · 28/01/2016 11:05

Good idea Agatha. I've copied and pasted the post on relationships: Listen Up. I'll get her to read that as a starting point. I think you're right, she probably doesn't realise. MrsJay yes apparently that's exactly the sort of thing he says. It's very complicated. I don't think he's the devil incarnate or anything, but he has definite issues. Anyway we've just chatted and she's getting ready for college, but will talk more tonight. There'll be no overnight miracle but some stuff might go in and cause her to stand back and look at things more objectively. Thank you all for the advice.

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Curiousflannel · 28/01/2016 16:06

Hi. I'm not exactly in the same situation but I understand how it is, in a way, as dd is just out all the time and prefers to be anywhere other than at home. Also does the absolute bare minimum studying. She comes in about 10.30 weeknights and later at the weekend, if she is not sleeping over at a friends. If she had a boyfriend and somewhere to stay like yours Peebles then I'm sure she would be the same and we would see her even less. This house is literally like a hotel to her.

Its hard to advise. I wish my dd WANTED to come home/spend more time at home. She just doesn't and I don't think there is any point in forcing her to be here or grounding her or making things so difficult that we have no relationship at all. I could make her stay in and try and force her to study but it wouldnt work and life would be tense.

I just wonder when they will actually grow up and realise how silly they are being. She is coming up 17 and knows everything, of course, but she is either going to come to her senses or get one hell of a shock when she ventures out into the real world and realises its not as fabulous as she thinks its going to be.

I'm just stumbling along trying to do the best I can, but its so bloody frustrating.

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