DD never at home

[Peebles1]

Have posted before but slightly new topic. Since meeting her boyfriend 6 months ago DD has not stayed home for more than two nights in a row. He has his own place. He's a very bad influence but that's not the issue. The issue is this constant staying over at his. We have no leverage. She could move out and live there (she's 17, upper 6th form). But she gets nothing done at his. No college work, no decent night's sleep, no decent food. I can see the appeal - own little escape pad, nearer to friends/college/work etc. But I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to come home more often. We've discussed her living with him in an adult way but she says she doesn't want to!!!!!! I try to stay detached and balanced and I think I do a lot of the time (eg. lack of college work, constantly being unreliable etc..) but this one thing keeps sending me over the edge and we end up falling out again. Anyone else going through or been through similar?

I hope she is OK pebbles

Thanks Mrsjay. She stayed home last night so that was good - but only coz her bf was out! I'll keep plodding on and hope that things improve. Curious, when did your DD start staying out all the time? Since sixth form? How is she doing at college? Are they concerned or does she manage to keep on top of things? My DD had a different bf last year who didn't let her stay over as much, but she also stayed at friends', like your DD.

Can you invite her boyfriend round to yours regularly? Dinner, pub meals, that sort of thing. If he's continually unwilling, she may see that as a bad thing from him. If he does come round often and get involved with your family life, it might let him see how you all are as a family and give him a lead to follow with her a bit, and you may get to know him better (which may be a good or bad thing, or course!). Still, better under your roof than away really.

DH won't allow him here coz of criminal record and continuing drug involvement. He's not like someone out of Breaking Bad! But nevertheless DH is adamant about this rule and I can't say I blame him. He's an idiot who has made mistakes but is continuing to make them and we don't want DD dragged into it. I have met him now and then though - if giving DD a lift and picking him up on the way etc. Happens rarely since she passed her test. He's pleasant in person etc.

I know your husband isnt keen on him but keeping him away is pushing her further to him so isolating her and making him more desireable(spelling) and exciting will her dad not budge at all on this.

I think your DH is making a big mistake here.

Make him welcome. He doesn't have to "approve" of him, but it sets you against each other.

I think that I would try to make a deal with your DD and suggest - she stays home certain days of the week (like midweek/whilst at college) and then go to bfs "for the weekend". Or something.

Much easier for her to say she is going to be at her folks if that is somewhere he is not banned from.

Peebles, it does sound as though this is a very worrying relationship. The comment about him not being angry but sad is v concerning I think - he's making her feel as though his poor behaviour is her fault. Classic manipulation/abuse. The involvement with drugs would also really worry me. Have you told the school any of this? They may have someone whose jib it is to speak to kids in this sort of situation? I know our local comp has a dedicated counsellor and a team who specifically help students who find themselves in difficult circumstances.

Have a look at these pages maybe -

www.teensagainstabuse.org/index.php?q=helping

www.lfcc.on.ca/warning_signs.html

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/teengirls/Pages/relationshipviolence.aspx

m.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html

There's some really good advice on there I think.

It must be very difficult - I would talk to your DH again if I were you - if your DD is being controlled by her BF, she may need help & support to leave him or even to see it for what it is. Although it sounds as though she's not totally happy with it already.

I think your DH is making a big mistake too and is contributing massively to the problem. Both from the point of view that he is making the bf seem more glamorous to your DD, and also, where will it go in the future? Supposing they stay together and move in properly in a year or so. What then? Will he still not be allowed in your home? I think that's the fastest way to a very poor relationship with your DD.

If she's not sure on going to uni could you help and assist her with her choices for once she's finished college. Maybe help her find info on a job in a local company or an apprentice. Show her all the different options and in a way that's not patronising show her the full options of what they entail. Eg uni is 3 years of fun but debt, hard hard work and no guaranteed good job; apprenticeship will be tough and low pay and a job may be dull, poorly paid and it may take a long time to build up her prospects. I think it's important she does what she wants to do when she's 25+. For her that's a long time away but the next few years will influence what she can be doing at 25. Support her in whether to go to Uni or not, which even if she gets the grades she should may not be what she wants to do. Then you could perhaps discuss with her that if she were to go down the route of getting an apprentice or job that she move out or pay some board. She sounds like she'd decide to live with her boyfriend and then that period might be enough for her to realise that she likes her job but not him, that she's a bit more mature working and he's just a college boyfriend during her rebellious cool college time. It must be hard to balance supporting her and not pushing her away by still being her parent. Perhaps the reality though of that in 6 months or so once she's finished college she needs to move out and get on with her job will be enough for her to realise that it's best to stay at home for a while and work hard to get the life she wants (and hopefully meet a more sensible boyfriend). I was difficult at that age, I just think it's important to not push her away and make her shut down communicating with you. Good luck!

I was like your dd when I was her age, I practically moved out at 17 and didn't really want to be home. I thought I knew it all and was head strong and quite stubborn about a lot of things - no one could tell me what to do or what was right. I do regret some of the things I done but I guess most people regret things they done when they were younger - I don't think things have turned out badly though.

My mum and dad also didn't like my choice of BF and banned him from the house which didn't really go down to well - he wasn't a bad fella just a bit rough around the edges, he didn't have the best education and had no real aspirations though, back then there wasn't really any drugs (early 80s) around but everyone had a drink or three. I thought they banned him because they thought it would put me off him but it just made me dig my heels in even more.

Once I left him I went home for a few yrs but I went and done the same with someone else. I went the first time because I wanted to experience life for myself, to stretch my wings and to find out what the world was like on your own - it wasn't as bad as my mum and dad were making it out to be, or at least I didn't think so. The main reason I went home is because I didn't have enough money to get a house on my own, if I had more money and could afford to have lived on my own I would have done so because I liked having my own space and being independent. They both still supported me in the sense they come and visited the house I lived in and we would see each other quite a lot.

Good advice all, thank you. DH and I do have endless discussions on whether we're pushing her away and towards him. DH is adamant though - he can be an arsey character. He simply would not be able to be civil to this guy, so it would probably be even worse. I know DH may be in for a bit of a bashing now, but he is usually a reasonable guy. We've both spoken to her about why we don't approve, calmly, but that we can't stop her. She doesn't kick off, just looks sad. Her and DH have had a difficult relationship over the teenage years, it's at its best now but they're not very close.
Re: abuse. Thank You for the links and I'll look at it all later. She told me he'd shouted at her, punched walls, jealous of her friends and other boys, wants her with him all the time. This was a month ago. I said enough was enough, she had to finish it etc. She went to do so but he cried, said sorry, went to doc's and got meds to help (I think he has adhd. Does that make sense? And of course smoking pot won't help). So she 'gave him another chance'. Since then she says he doesn't do this anymore and if he starts getting worked up she tells him to stop and he does. She's not a shy, quiet girl she's outwardly confident and sticks up for herself. But then we get the 'I'm sad' manipulative business from him so I'm not so sure. He's two years older, by the way, and does bar work. Don't have an issue with the age and believe in giving people a fair chance, but it doesn't sound good. Also, he's a massive drama queen - always dragging her into some nonsense and exaggerating everything. And he tells lies. She knows all this but still doesn't leave! I don't even think she's madly in love. She's different to how she was with previous long term bf, who she loved. Think it's definitely a rebound thing. I think she knows it's going nowhere but it's convenient at the minute. My concern is her safety and messing up her future while she's wasting time with him. For example, she's considered working with children or in healthcare, but suppose she was caught with drugs on her (he's still on suspended sentence) and ended up with a record. Maybe I'm being paranoid but maybe it could happen? And yes I've said all this to her.
Thanks also to those sharing stories of when they were that age. It's all helpful.
Sorry for very long post. This has turned into a lot more than 'not coming home' but it really helps to get others' views.

Willconcern, I've told school she spends all her time at bf's and he's a bad influence but nothing more. Didn't know they may have someone specifically to talk to her about this sort of thing. I'll look into it.

I dont think anybody will flame your Dh he doesnt want him in your house which is fair enough. Would your dd be up for going out for dinner you and bring the Bf with her.

Hi Peebles. Dd started being out all the time when she started 6th form, though tbh she was out a lot over the summer after GCSEs but that was fine. Although she has kept the same close friends, they have expanded the group with new ones at 6th form and all they want to do is hang out together every day, hence the being out all the time. Unfortunately they are not a very ambitious or academic group and a few of them have dropped out (one is a musician, another does nothing) but they seem to be nice kids so I'm not worried there. Dd is just about keeping up with the work, although I never see her doing any and two of the subjects have course work and are easier for her. She didnt do too badly in mocks despite doing no revision and thats what frustrates me so much. She is clearly intelligent and could go so far if she would only put in the effort! I would be over the moon if she decided to stay in one night a week and study. Talk about low expectations!

Anyway, sorry for hijacking your thread. My dh would be the same about not having anything to do with the bf btw, so I can relate to that. You seem to be handling things very well and your dd is lucky to have you.

Thanks curious. No you didn't hijack it, I'm interested. It's possible your DD will scrape through to uni and change her attitude once there. I have lots of friends and family who did that. Some kids just aren't ready/mature enough at 6th form. It's good they are nice kids too. Also she's only lower 6th (I think) so time yet. Last year my DD didn't buck her ideas up till Feb half term but she passed (not very well but never mind). It's frustrating when you know they can do better but I think we're both right in standing back re: work. It's their life after all. So hard to do though!!

Dd does not want to go to uni. Its a shame coz I think it would be great for her (and me ) but its her choice. The only thing she wants to do is not going to happen realistically as she is not passionate enough about it and you have to be to succeed in this area. I'm sounding vague but don't want to give too much information.

I'll just have to stand back and hope things turn out OK.

I'd like to join in if I can. Dd is never at home here as well although she only sleeps over at friends on a weekend. What is it about girls these days? She is 17, going on 25, and another one who knows it all and thinks I treat her like a baby. I don't think I do. I might nag her a bit and tell her to go to sleep, which she takes no notice of, but I give her a lot more freedom than I used to. She wants more!

She isn't a bad kid at heart, but I must admit I am feeling a bit hurt that she is out all the time and seems to prefer anywhere except home. I am taking it all a bit too personally but from reading other posts it looks like I might not be alone.

Is anyone else's dd out every single night? Or do you not allow it. Tbh I don't think I could make her stay in without starting world war three.

Hi worriedmum. Thanks for the wise words. Don't know what to think really. She's almost 18 and he has his own place, so I think it's slightly different to your situation in terms of our control. If DH allowed him here they'd probably only flit in now and then for a meal or something as they'd still prefer the privacy and central location of his place (we're in a village).
Re: the meal, DH would really object to that as it would seem like we were condoning the relationship. I'm free to do as I choose of course, but I too feel uneasy about it. Taking someone I think is such a bad influence and probably abusive for a nice meal. I do see them about - bump into them now and then coz we don't live in a big place. I'm always pleasant to him etc. But don't fall over myself to be friendly. Mixed messages I know. It's all very difficult.
No school don't know. They just know he's a bad influence. DD wouldn't see a counsellor coz she doesn't think abuse is a problem. Or she won't admit it is. But anyway I'll keep doing what I'm doing. We have a good relationship so that's one positive.
I'm keeping fingers crossed that your DD really isn't seeing the bf. Keep up the good work!

Hi chocolate. Yeah my DD was like this last year, when she was with another bf. She rotated between various friends and his. It wasn't as bad as now, but she was still gone a lot.
She has anxiety and she said she couldn't be home alone coz she'd overthink things and end up having a panic attack. She needed distraction all the time. Obviously we are all home, but we don't keep teenage hours so she'd be alone post bedtime. Her brothers are at uni, but she preferred it when they were home to talk to. Just mentioned all that incase your DD has something else going on re: simply preferring to be out.
Also, we are in a village away from the excitement of town. Not sure if you are similar and that's another reason your DD prefers to be out?
When it got really bad this summer we insisted on her coming home two nights a week. That's how bad it was! She agreed. But would either come back at midnight (pointless) or come in after college then flit out about 8 and again come in at midnight (equally pointless). This led to lots of rows of course, until in the end we backed off and said she could move out if she wanted (she didn't) and she was almost 18 and it was her life etc etc. She's been marginally better since in terms of coming home more, and certainly we all get on better.
I don't have the answer though. All my friends seem to have lovely hard working teens who comply! I do have two of them so can't be the worst parent in the world, but it's very draining isn't it?!
Try not to take it personally - I'm sure your DD doesn't mean it that way. I just try and do nice stuff with her now and then and spend time with her when she is home, if I can.
By the way, she went on meds for anxiety in Dec and that's so much better. Also tried therapy. Just incase folk think we ignored the deeper issue!!

Hi. Yes my wicked plan was for her to go to uni and escape, but she's also the classic 'won't work' teen. Capable but lazy (plus her anxiety problems of course, which complicate everything and mean we don't like to put pressure on). Basically he's a bad influence and example re: work and work ethic, plus he's a massive distraction. So add that to her natural inclination and there's a good chance she'll fail. However, she does want to go to uni, has applied and has had a really good, achievable offer this week (low grades). It's not a top uni but we don't care about that and I think it might suit her. Other times she feels uni is not for her (fair enough) and may consider getting a job after college. That's absolutely fine - it's her life. I just would rather she kept her options open and also get away from him. On a positive note she's been complaining about him quite a bit recently so I'm hoping things are on the wain. Does your DD work hard at college? What are her plans for after?