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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD going to tell school I am "abusing her"

51 replies

LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 07:44

Btw it's quite the opposite ! My abuse involves her phone being charged in the hall way overnight from 11. I gave her multiple chances but have heard her on the phone at 2 and 3 am when she has to be up for school at 6.30. She went ballistic over this and spent 3 hours crying, screaming and making threats. I should add her phone bill was £110 this month so she's pretty lucky she still has it.

The second part of my abuse is I wouldn't let her stay off school today. I have had 2 letters about her attendance and last week when she "swore" she was so ill was asking to go out at 4 and didn't seem ill at all. She is saying its a bad tummy but she's not actually had a bad stomach. I hate starting the morning like this Sad

OP posts:
PennyHasNoSurname · 12/01/2016 07:49

Id just say 'go for it'

When they know what the situation is maybe theyll realise she falls under the "little shit" category rather than "abused child"

How old.is she?

ZenNudist · 12/01/2016 07:58

I don't have a teen so my advice is worthless but if be inclined to laugh at her.

In reality I'd probably say go ahead see what school make of this 'abusive' behaviour !

BombadierFritz · 12/01/2016 08:02

Is she unhappy, or bratty? I'd wonder about bullying or harassment with the late night secret calls plus time off school. Either way, yes take the phone at night but dont leave it charging overnight - fire hazard

Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 08:03

She's 14 and thinks boundaries should not apply to her ever. At school or home. She is now begrudgingly getting dressed and texting me (from her room) about how "awful" I am and if she gets in trouble st school today I'll only have myself to blame Hmm. The bloody joys

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rudolphistheboss · 12/01/2016 08:04

Could you say 'that's a good idea' and set up a meeting with the pastoral care team at school? It might be worth discussing the school refusing with them if you're already getting letters about her attendance. They might be able to support you or suggest some strategies to help get her into school?

Ledkr · 12/01/2016 08:04

Ok. I am a social worker, dh a copper and we do both the things you describe.
If she tells the school that they will chuckle and send her back to class!
My dd cannot cope with having her phone either abd so I take it at 9 and she has evebtualky accepted it.
Ignore the tantrums and just get on with it.
Tell her if she doesn't like the times you will just get the phone cut off and she can get a ten pound pay as you go one!

Penfold007 · 12/01/2016 08:06

How long has the behaviour been going on and what age is she? I would be very concerned about the reason behind this behaviour.

Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 08:06

She's not unhappy but bratty yes. Unhappy when I say no or ask anything of her , or try and encourage homework. She is definetly not bullied and can actually be quite unpleasant to others and likes to interfere in everyone else's arguments to "stick up" for her friends.

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Audreyhelp · 12/01/2016 08:09

Sounds like a normal teenager to me . Just try to ignore don't open textes from her.

Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 08:09

Penfold - she has pretty much always been urm fiesty. We tend to follow a pattern of pushing the boundaries then me enforcing her kicking off- eventually she accepts begrudgingly and thinks settle down for a week or 2. She hangs with the "cool" kids who don't have curfews or boundaries (according to her) so life just isn't fair.

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Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 08:10

*things

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Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 08:11

I won't open but they still pop up (bloody phone) !

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fieldfare · 12/01/2016 08:18

She still has her phone after running up a £110 phone bill?!
Are you working out a plan for her to pay this extortionate amount back or are you just letting it slide?

Tell her to crack on with it if she feels she must, student support will see that she's being utterly ridiculous and send her back to class. A quick email to her support worker might be in order to, just to keep them apprised of how things are at home. They might instigate a conversation with her to see if anything comes to light you're not aware of yet.

Our Dd (13) thinks we're completely stupid for having the rule that all devices must be downstairs at 9 when she goes up to bed, I care not one jot!

fidel1ne · 12/01/2016 08:21

£110!? You're paying it? Time to redraw the rules for future bills, isn't it? Do you think paying it is sending a message? A message that it is worth kicking off about overnight charging because at heart you are a mug?

Penfold007 · 12/01/2016 08:21

No doubt the cool kids put a lot of pressure on her so she can remain in their gang.
I'd be putting some serious restrictions on her phone usage but then I couldn't afford £100 plus mobile phone bills.

fidel1ne · 12/01/2016 08:23

We tend to follow a pattern of pushing the boundaries then me enforcing her kicking off- eventually she accepts begrudgingly and thinks settle down for a week or 2.

It probably seems fruitful to her to do this if she's believes everything is up for 'negotiation' browbeating

Easy for me to stand at a safe distance and make these dispassionate observations, I know Smile

Audreyhelp · 12/01/2016 08:27

Well at least she settles for a week or two , just looking on the bright side.

YouBastardSockBalls · 12/01/2016 08:28

I'd put a cap on her contract too. £110...! There would have been all manner of shitstorms if I'd done something like that at 14.

Yy to offering to plan meeting with school.

fidel1ne · 12/01/2016 08:30

Did she understand that 'no means no' when she was younger? Did your 'nos' used to mean no? I think you need to adapt some toddler-taming tactics TBH.

Ragwort · 12/01/2016 08:31

As others said, let her get on with it. My DS threatened to ring Childline to complain about me - I handed him the phone Grin.

differentnameforthis · 12/01/2016 08:31

110gbp phone bill & on it until 3am = isn't old enough or responsible enough to own one.

MaisieDotes · 12/01/2016 08:33

DD is 14 and I turn the wifi off on her phone before bed. She can keep the actual phone but as all socialising is done over the Internet there's no fun to be had once the wifi is off.

She can't do anything on 3G as, while I bought her the phone (iPhone 5s, bloody expensive) I'm fucked if I'm paying a bill for her, so she's responsible for her own credit which she never buys.

Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 08:34

Ragwort- I've left her to it she has left for school now and said bye so she's over it! (For now).
She has always hated the no word goes into meltdown then gets over it gradually. She knows I don't care what "everyone else is allowed to do" but still insists on telling me all day.
I can't afford phone bill either they have agreed instalments (which I'll take off her pocket money) I've had her data cut off to as she can't manage it even with 6 a month.

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Audreyhelp · 12/01/2016 08:35

Don't think it's that hard to run up that phone bill if you are not on the correct contract not all phone companies will cap it.

fidel1ne · 12/01/2016 08:36

She has always hated the no word goes into meltdown then gets over it gradually

Have you ruled out PDA/ASC at any point? That's quite striking.