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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD going to tell school I am "abusing her"

51 replies

LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 07:44

Btw it's quite the opposite ! My abuse involves her phone being charged in the hall way overnight from 11. I gave her multiple chances but have heard her on the phone at 2 and 3 am when she has to be up for school at 6.30. She went ballistic over this and spent 3 hours crying, screaming and making threats. I should add her phone bill was £110 this month so she's pretty lucky she still has it.

The second part of my abuse is I wouldn't let her stay off school today. I have had 2 letters about her attendance and last week when she "swore" she was so ill was asking to go out at 4 and didn't seem ill at all. She is saying its a bad tummy but she's not actually had a bad stomach. I hate starting the morning like this Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 08:41

She 100% has traits of both but doesn't meet all criteria!

It's always data she goes over on so I'm just blocking it for now she will still have wifi !

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Snowglobe1 · 12/01/2016 08:44

I threatened to call Childline on my mother once because she told me I had to put my (washed, dried and ironed) laundry in my chest of drawers.

She laughed and handed me the phone.

fidel1ne · 12/01/2016 08:47

It sounds exhausting. I'd stick her on a PAYG SIM and do the turning the router of at xPM thing. Though by the sounds of it you'd have to be prepared to ride out the reaction.

Gatehouse77 · 12/01/2016 09:00

Sounds like hard work and a pissy-offy way to start the day.

Stick to your guns. As a rule, ours are not allowed any gadgets upstairs. There have been exceptions, with permission, and some without!

I get the "you're so strict, no one else has to do this, everyone else can do that," etc. My stock answer is "I'm not their parent and I'm raising you the way Dad and I believe is right. Moving on..." They give up. Eventually!

Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 09:15

DD gives up eventually but is persistent to say the least Grin.

I'm hoping one day she will understand I'm not out to single handedly destroy her life.

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CocktailQueen · 12/01/2016 09:30

And she still has her phone?? I'd have confiscated dd's phone for that. if she's old enough to have a phone, she'd old enough to keep tabs on how much she's spending on it. If she can't behave, I'd take away her phone when she gets in after school and give it back to take to school. No phones upstairs. I take dd's phone in the evening anyway.

Think you need to man up and start parenting more firmly.

But yes, tell her to go ahead and tell school she's being abused. Actually, I'd make an appt to discuss her attendance and behaviour there too if you've had letters about it!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/01/2016 09:31

Just one thought you might want to consider - I noticed you took on her language in your post around the word "abuse"
So, both in the title and in the OP .... you say "My abuse includes ..."
Language can be a powerful thing and you might want to re-phrase using your own understanding of the situation eg. She is mightily P'eed off that I take her phone off her in the evenings after she ran up a huge bill last month.
She thinks if she tells her teachers about it they will be on her side about this.

I think that simple re-phrasing kind of keeps more of the appropriate parental power with you IYKWIM
This might all be a bit counselley and woo for you I don't know - I think it's called re-framing
But worth a thought?

fessmess · 12/01/2016 09:39

You could've written that about my daughter. Won't take responsibility for her actions, her friends don't have these rules etc. She went over her phone budget by £100 and we offered her a choice; pay us the money or lose data on your phone. She now has now data on her phone. I've just googled PDA after a previous poster and that is my daughter to a tee. In floods now as I feel we may have an explanation for her unusual behaviour.

Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 09:46

I am being sarcastic I am aware it's not abuse, that's her take on the word no. I have manned up Hmm she just kicks against it.

Fessmess- they have to comply with camhs to get any support. DD doesn't and refuses so it's impossible. It's bloody difficult!

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YakTriangle · 12/01/2016 09:56

If it were you, I'd get her a pay as you go phone, maximum of £20 a month credit put on it otherwise she pays for it herself by doing chores, and the phone would be removed at 10.30pm and put in my bedroom over night so she can't sneak out and get it while it's charging. But I'm horrible, probably.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/01/2016 10:06

Yeh, I know you're using it sarcastically, it was just a thought. Probably partly I don't really do sarcasm. No biggie
I would get her a pay as you go with a small amount of credit too.
That might work better - we all have those type of phones and only use ocassionally
If you don't change anything nothing changes?
Call more of the shots she's only 14

Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 10:07

I have another year on this contract I called vodaphone but the cancellation fee was so huge it was just not an option. Your not horrible your sensible !

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fidel1ne · 12/01/2016 10:07

I've just googled PDA after a previous poster and that is my daughter to a tee. In floods now as I feel we may have an explanation for her unusual behaviour

Oh dear, now I feel bad. Have a look at the NAS website Flowers

WhyDoesGastonBark · 12/01/2016 10:08

Let her... Then tell her how much she will miss out on in foster care... She won't get £110 mobile phone bill then...

Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 10:10

Why does- I love it!
DD fits pda apart from the role play bit she most definetly has no imagination and has always hated role play!

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Kennington · 12/01/2016 10:13

I would do something about that bill - it is madness. Could you get her a pay as you go package.
Maybe take her phone off her by 10pm so she has some other down time before going to sleep.
Tell her the cool kids will not be so cool in 20 years when they have all failed their exams.

fidel1ne · 12/01/2016 10:14

(I mean that the web has some wacky stuff on spectrum conditions but the NAS is a 'safe source')

The role play thing is interesting, lots of aspies HATE and are baffled by make believe. There must be some middle space between HF-ASC and PDA. They are related, after all.

fessmess · 12/01/2016 10:15

Don't feel bad at all. I'm off work with stress of dealing with my dd's outbursts and temper tantrums. Over her life people/teachers have said she may have dyspraxia, has a large personality, is obsessive, is anxious and if you stand your ground and be firm she will fight to the bitter end. She has a brilliant imagination and as a child would totally immerse herself in roles and dictate to all around how to play these games. She has been referred to cahms and we're waiting now. Oh, she has mild add and autistic traits.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/01/2016 10:16

Someone else could have her phone (with it's existing contract) - like you
Then get her another cheapie one with very different expectations of how it's going to be used?

fessmess · 12/01/2016 10:16

I'm going now as although I have found this thread enlightening it's not for me and my dd, it's for op.

Good luck op.

CallieTorres · 12/01/2016 10:22

teenagers are hardwired to be horrible! its a fact!

I agree with pp, you just need to stay strong, remember you are not the first parent to deal with this and wont be the last - she WILL get past this stage, it will take a long time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel

What is your plan with her phone line? are you going to make her pay for it somehow?

I offer my DC the number for childline and point them to the phone when i am being unreasonable, (asking them to clear their floors so we can walk on it)

specialsubject · 12/01/2016 10:33

let her try reporting you.

and sell that phone, she can't be trusted with internet use. You don't need huge bills in addition to all your other troubles. Whether she has real troubles or is just a brat, unsupervised internet access won't help.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/01/2016 11:44

Another thing I think I'd try letting her see you're fine with having a pretty open dialogue with school about things - as you say that can and should include things like her problems with attendance and behaviour which school have raised with you?
If she wants to mention that she has a problem with you taking her phone at night to allow it to be recharged (amongst other things like her not having it!) then she can certainly do that. But hopefully she may begin to see just how likely that is to get her anywhere!

OccamsLadyshaveToo · 12/01/2016 13:30

Hi OP

Sorry you are going through this. RE the phone - I know it's too late now for the recent bill, and you'll probably have to ride out this contract, but for future reference my DD (also 14) is on a Tesco contract. £10 a month including a socially acceptable Motorola phone with 4g (by her anyway - can't speak for your DD) and it's capped so she can't go over by any more than £2.50. She often uses up the £2.50 buffer, but I let that go.

It's saved no end of arguments in this house. She's learned to make sure she's on the wifi where possible and plan her data usage around the renewal date each month. Otherwise no data for the rest of the month - and best of all it's not my fault!

I have lost the battle about getting the phone off her in the evenings, but she knows that if she can't get up for school the next morning she'll lose it that night.

Good luck. It's not an easy age and it sounds like you're struggling more than most.

Original poster
LucylucyD43 · 12/01/2016 15:22

Sorry been busy today! She has paid some with her Christmas money the rest in instalments (from her pocket money). No data now but unlimited texts and calls so hoping it won't happen again!

I think she is a mixture of a bit of other stuff mixed with spoilt brat like behaviour. She will get over the no phone in bed but not straight away I suspect I'll have a bit of a daily battle on my hands for the moment.

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