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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Christmas sleeping arrangements! My kids not happy, help!

128 replies

Jojorobrob · 20/12/2015 18:50

Hello, I have 3 daughters of my own, I am divorced and have a wonderful partner who I've been with for 3 years, who is widowed and has 2 children. Over Christmas I want them all to stay with me, and they want to, but my eldest daughter has really kicked off over sleeping arrangements, ie, my second eldest daughter will need to give up her room for a few days and move in to my eldest daughters room. I feel I should stand my ground on this as it is my house, I pay the mortgage, and surely what I say goes?? But i'm a pushover and I have ended up telling my partner that he cant come over Xmas. My kids have their own way and are happy now, but i'm devastated that I cant see my partner and I cant stop crying. We want to move in together over the next couple of years too and I just cant see it happening with my daughters acting this way and kicking off until they get their own way?! I just want one big happy family. Can anyone advise me what to do please? Am I being completely selfish? Thanks in advance

OP posts:

MaybeDoctor · 21/12/2015 09:54

I think that, while she is a young person rather than a child, she probably still has very real feelings about you 'moving on' from her original family set up and having this new 'family' encroach upon her own family space.

If you want to see your partner so much, why don't you go to his place and let your children spend Christmas at home with your DD looking after them or go to their father?

I just think that every action has a corresponding reaction and don't be surprised if, in years to come, your DD puts boyfriends and partners first at special times of the year.

Sundance2741 · 21/12/2015 10:06

I didn't say she was. Just that consulting her daughter and maybe a bit of compromising (on both sides) might get her what she wants.

Nonidentifyingnc · 21/12/2015 11:01

I dont see the OP offering any compromises though. She basically wants her dp and his kids to stay and hasn't offered to give up her room to make it happen.

SirChenjin · 21/12/2015 11:52

Sundance - forget the last bit of my post, if the DD says (as I suspect she will, given her approach to date to a perfectly reasonable request) "it's not my problem, you come up with the solution" - then what?

I suspect also that the OP has made plenty of compromises over the years for her DD, and will continue to do so - it's called 'being a family'. Now she's asking for a small favour from an adult in return. Again, perfectly reasonable - and most normal-thinking people wouldn't store it away and decide that all future Christmases will be spent apart from her DM as 'punishment', esp. as there is nothing to suggest that they don't have a good relationship.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/12/2015 12:12

SirChenjin
"I suspect also that the OP has made plenty of compromises over the years for her DD, and will continue to do so - it's called 'being a family'"

I would say that its called being a parent, and any parent that used that against a child that they had (at whatever age the child is) needs to have a long look at themselves

AllThatGlistensIs · 21/12/2015 12:17

Jesus Christ.

At 21 and earning more than you I'd be telling her if she refuses to accommodate your guests in your own home she can sod off and get her own place.

Find your backbone OP.

SirChenjin · 21/12/2015 12:23

I completely disagree Boney. There comes a point in every adult child's life where you stop expecting the traffic to be one way - and any adult incapable of doing what millions of other people do over Christmas (i.e. be flexible to accommodate guests, irrespective of who those guests are) needs to take a long look at themselves, as well as working on their manners, ability to deal with a small, temporary change and personal resilience.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/12/2015 12:31

SirChenJin

The OP's daughter (IMO) should be being flexible, but she is no longer a child, she pays rent etc.

Maybe the OP would have had more success if she had treated her DD like an adult instead of a child? There comes a point where issuing demands is just going to backfire.

With my cynical head on, wouldn't the OP's situation become so much easier if the eldest left home? A room for the partners children, no need to move house etc.

SirChenjin · 21/12/2015 12:41

Paying rent (although it's not rent, unless there is a formal rental agreement) does not absolve you of familial responsibility - or the need to be flexible to accommodate guests, and adults generally recognise this without the need for long covnersations.

I agree with you on the last point. It does sound like the DD would be better in her own place where she doesn't have to demonstrate any level of flexibility for 2/3 nights a year.

RufusTheReindeer · 21/12/2015 12:53

non

Sorry to lower the tone but i think that the OP is going to share her room and has no problem with it

RufusTheReindeer · 21/12/2015 12:55

I do agree withnon in that its probably deeper than being selfish

But i think that the 21 year old needs to share, if its that much of a problem re rent maybe the OP can deduct the two days from the rent

RufusTheReindeer · 21/12/2015 12:56

And how is dd with inviting boyfriends and friends to stay?

Floralnomad · 21/12/2015 13:06

I think people have had lots of opinions on this thread with very little information , how old are the partners children ? How much rent does your eldest pay ? Does your eldest have boyfriends stay over ? How far away does the partner live ? , without the answers to these questions people are simply replying based on their own family dynamics .

Roussette · 21/12/2015 15:00

Lord alive, it's two bloody nights. If any of my DCs objected, I would be really really disappointed in them, and consider them selfish. (and yes I am talking of a similar age and paying rent)

Whoever suggested that perhaps the OP should consider giving her room up is joking surely. So the 21 year old lies like the princess and the pea in her bed whilst her Mother (who could well be in her sixties) sleeps on a sofa or the floor next to her?

Paying rent and being over 18 doesn't give you the right to be selfish, no wonder there's a load of entitled adults around. We're talking two nights not six months.

Roussette · 21/12/2015 15:02

As for deducting 2 nights rent for the nights she would be giving up her bed... well, yes... and then I would add all the extra costs that the daughter won't be paying to prove a point.

Ragwort · 21/12/2015 15:12

Is this the first time your partner (surely a boyfriend if you are not living together?) has stayed over night with his children?

If so, it is understandably a bit fraught with being Christmas and all the usual expectations and family traditions around Christmas.

And are you really 'crying' because you can't see him over Christmas - this will not impress your children.

I think it is a very difficult situation and has probably not been handled very sensitively, are your children happy that he and his children are sharing Christmas with you? It is not as simple as sharing bedrooms when your own relatives come to stay, having to bunk up so that your mother's lover can stay overnight is a bit different and and is perhaps uncomfortable for your DD.

Nonidentifyingnc · 21/12/2015 15:54

The OP is unlikely to be in her 60s. Her oldest child is 21!

As an aside, where is the OP? I agree with the poster upthread who said it is very difficult to say, with little info to go on. It's true that we are making assumptions based on our own dynamics. I hate it when OPs disappear in the middle of their own threads.

kilmuir · 21/12/2015 22:05

Goodness, how about the stroppy 21 year old sharing for 2 nights because thats a nice thing to do! Everything should not be done to suit her and her strops.

Snazarooney · 21/12/2015 22:18

What did you do last year and the year before?

I agree that the younger 2 could share instead.

mrsjskelton · 21/12/2015 22:33

Wow 21. She needs a kick up the bum and to be told to like it or lump it! You pay the bills.
You make the rules. Simple.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 22/12/2015 09:00

Get the younger two to share. I do think it's unfair to expect the DC who is paying rent to give up her space when the others don't have to.

Ragwort · 22/12/2015 09:02

The OP is unlikely to be in her 60s. Her oldest child is 21! - off topic but I will certainly be in my 60s when my DS is 21 .

VintageDresses · 22/12/2015 09:06

Surely it's the fact that her youngest is 9 that makes her unlikely to be in her 60s

SanityClause · 22/12/2015 09:10

I'm guessing there's s bit of relevant back story we're missing. The girls like their father's new wife enough to be bridesmaids, but dislike their mother's new partner enough to refuse to give up a bit of personal space for a couple of nights.

Kaz2200 · 23/12/2015 15:52

I agree that the girls are perhaps bring selfish, but I remember when I lived at home that whenever family or parents friend came to stay it was never parents that were inconvenienced, always the children -.

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