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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Christmas sleeping arrangements! My kids not happy, help!

128 replies

Jojorobrob · 20/12/2015 18:50

Hello, I have 3 daughters of my own, I am divorced and have a wonderful partner who I've been with for 3 years, who is widowed and has 2 children. Over Christmas I want them all to stay with me, and they want to, but my eldest daughter has really kicked off over sleeping arrangements, ie, my second eldest daughter will need to give up her room for a few days and move in to my eldest daughters room. I feel I should stand my ground on this as it is my house, I pay the mortgage, and surely what I say goes?? But i'm a pushover and I have ended up telling my partner that he cant come over Xmas. My kids have their own way and are happy now, but i'm devastated that I cant see my partner and I cant stop crying. We want to move in together over the next couple of years too and I just cant see it happening with my daughters acting this way and kicking off until they get their own way?! I just want one big happy family. Can anyone advise me what to do please? Am I being completely selfish? Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 20:48

But it's not a request if the mum insists, is it. It's fine to ask but I think it is equally fine for dd to say she doesn't want to.

That said, I definitely think dd should be contributing what it actually costs to keep her, given that she earns more than the OP. She might be doing this already, I don't think the OP said. And I also agree that the OP should see if hotels are available or rejig sleeping arrangements some other way, if she wants her dp to stay. Dd shouldn't be able to dictate whether he visits or not, only what happens wrt her room.

Roussette · 20/12/2015 20:48

Totally agree SirChenjin. My DCs even when one was paying me some rent had to bunk up with each other when all the cousins come here for Christmas. They didn't worry about that at all, it's only for a night or two.

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 20:53

I suspect she wouldnt mind if it was for her cousins. I think this about the dp and her mum's long term plans. I would talk all this through with her and see if you can alleviate any fears. I think if she was happy to see her dad remarry then you need yo get to the bottom of what is going on here. Possibly she feels more invested in you and so your moving on is affecting her more. Talk to her though and see.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 20:55

The mum hasn't 'insisted' though, has she? She's given into a selfish and immature young woman and now doesn't have her partner to stay for Christmas. Slow hand clap for the DD - she got her own way and has made her mum unhappy. She must be feeling very pleased with herself.

Most adults (and children) don't behave in the way that the DD is though, thankfully.

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 20:58

She hasnt insisted yet, but if she changes her mind as recommended on this thread then that would be insisting.

msgrinch · 20/12/2015 20:58

If she's paying rent then no you shouldn't expect her to share her room!

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 21:02

Yep, that's right - insisting on good manners and flexibility in order to accommodate people who are important to the OP. Perfectly reasonable for a couple of nights to share with your sister.

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 21:04

But is it good manners for the OP to inflict her guests on her dd and make her accommodate them? You can argue it either way.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 21:05

There is no 'inflicting'. They are guests - it's what happens at Christmas the world over.

hufflebottom · 20/12/2015 21:08

Those saying 'if you haven't got space don't have guest' ignore them. If my parents had guests I'd be moved onto the floor in my db's room or as we got older the sofa in the living room. It's kind of the fun of having guests stay.

Your dd for a couple of days can share with her sister. Or give her the number for the local hotel. Don't let her get away with it.

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 21:13

It is inflicting, if they are not your guests and you don't particularly want them there.

An adult can expect their dc to share and accommodate their parent's guests, but when the dc are adults themselves and presumably paying their share, then you can't treat them like kids and make unilateral decisions. They are other adults, whose opinions are as valid as yours. You don't get to make choices for them.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 21:16

Nope, it's not inflicting - it's called being part of a family, accepting other family member's guests with good grace and bunking down with your sister for a couple of nights.

rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2015 21:17

Just bloody TELL her!!!!! It's your house and you want guests to stay. End of.
If she doesn't like it then maybe she'd like to pay probably considerably more than she is now and find her own place to live!
Stop being a doormat OP.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 21:18

And on that note I shall head off. Non - we shall have to agree to differ Smile

OP - don't give in and I hope you and your partner have a lovely Christmas together Xmas Smile

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 21:20

Yes Sir, I think we'd better. My phone battery is about to die Grin

Where is the OP anyway?

Roussette · 20/12/2015 21:21

I can't believe there are those on here saying it's inflicting. The OP's DD seems to have gone from being a daughter in a family with a Mum who is asking "would you kind sharing with your sis for a couple of nights" , to a tenant with no consideration.

Roussette · 20/12/2015 21:22

*mind. Not kind.

VintageDresses · 20/12/2015 21:43

Paying your mum some keep is not the same thing at all as paying a commercial rent.

She's still living in the family home as part of a family and as such compromises are sometimes needed to accommodate other's wishes. This time it's DD1 who needs to compromise for a couple of days. I'm sure there have been and will be occasions when it's one of the other family member's turn.

If she wants her own way all the time then, yes, it's time she became properly independant and moved out.

hedgehogsdontbite · 20/12/2015 22:33

My DD is 22 and sleeps on the floor in her 2 year old brother's room whenever we have guests. Of course she'd rather be in her own room, but she's not selfish and knows it's only for a few nights.

Grace1467 · 20/12/2015 22:46

It's only for 2 nights I think they should stay. Your DD should share in my opinion she's being a bit mean. Can the younger 2 share?
I have very little space but I brought a day bed with a trundle was 100 but so worth it as effectively it's two spare beds it's in my dining room.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/12/2015 22:54

Some thoughts

If the 15 year old doesn't mind sharing why doesn't she move in with the youngest?

Why can't his children sleep in the front room?

Why don't you give up your room for your partner's children to sleep in?

wallywobbles · 20/12/2015 23:08

Noooooooooo

She is really ok with the fact that her selfishness has totally screwed your Christmas? She sounds like she needs to have a long hard look in the mirror.

My 11 YO might try this one, but she'd pull her head in pretty quickly when faced with my reaction. Honestly you cannot put up with this.

She can pay for a hotel, you give her a few nights reduction on the rent this month - everyone's a winner.

Chocolate123 · 21/12/2015 07:09

Change arrangement back. She's an adult tell her to grow up and start behaving like one.

Sundance2741 · 21/12/2015 07:58

Sounds like there's more going on here. Is your daughter finding it hard to accept your relationship? Does she feel threatened that everything could be changing soon? Accepting a new partner into the family must be hard; having his kids as well must be even more difficult.

I can understand her feelings. It is her home too, for now at least. Being a bridesmaid for her father is a lot easier than having several new people to live with. Yes, I know you are not proposing that yet but maybe fears about it underpin this?

Can't you sit down and have a proper talk with her? Acknowledge her feelings. Explain your point of view (over the Christmas issue, I mean) Ask her to suggest a solution to suit you all.

I don't see any benefit in treating her like a small child or insisting she does as you tell her, but also she needs to take account of your point of view.

SirChenjin · 21/12/2015 09:11

And if she says "it's not my problem, you come up with the solution" - then what? The OP really has to work back from her end point, which is that she spends it with her partner, and while she can listen to what her DD says, ultimately she's not asking her to anything which is unreasonable or unrealistic.