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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Christmas sleeping arrangements! My kids not happy, help!

128 replies

Jojorobrob · 20/12/2015 18:50

Hello, I have 3 daughters of my own, I am divorced and have a wonderful partner who I've been with for 3 years, who is widowed and has 2 children. Over Christmas I want them all to stay with me, and they want to, but my eldest daughter has really kicked off over sleeping arrangements, ie, my second eldest daughter will need to give up her room for a few days and move in to my eldest daughters room. I feel I should stand my ground on this as it is my house, I pay the mortgage, and surely what I say goes?? But i'm a pushover and I have ended up telling my partner that he cant come over Xmas. My kids have their own way and are happy now, but i'm devastated that I cant see my partner and I cant stop crying. We want to move in together over the next couple of years too and I just cant see it happening with my daughters acting this way and kicking off until they get their own way?! I just want one big happy family. Can anyone advise me what to do please? Am I being completely selfish? Thanks in advance

OP posts:
DickDewy · 20/12/2015 19:16

You are too soft.

We have a complete houseful at Christmas. I told my teen boys they would have to share a room. They wouldn't dream of objecting because I am scary, there would be no point!

Original poster
Jojorobrob · 20/12/2015 19:19

Thanks so much everyone!!! At least I know i'm not being selfish!! I'm still not sure what to do. Believe it or not, yes they do all get on!! Its just that they wont share their space basically! xx

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 20/12/2015 19:23

Hmm. What was the split between you and their dad like? I'm not jumping on the "they ate unreasonable bandwagon " as some have. By the time I was 18 my parents had two divorces behind them and my mother had met her third partner.

I don't think it's that simple and without knowing the whole story couldn't possibly comment. I know that from 18 years old I never felt I had a home and it would break my heart if either of my children felt that - ever.

Having said that I hope you find a compromise and all have a happy Christmas. Perhaps next year book a house away with plenty of bedrooms so there is neutral territory to share.

I feel for all of you x

Roussette · 20/12/2015 19:23

Ridiculous. Please change your mind and stand up to your DD. Mine are young adults and they've ended up sleeping on the floor in the lounge to cope with family being here at Christmas.

SpendSpendSpend · 20/12/2015 19:24

I think its you being selfish op.

At 21 or 15 i would not be happy with being told i had to give up my room, my personal space, my bed and have someone around my intimate personal belongings.

Your house is not big enough to accommodate extra guests so you dont have them over to stay.

And i understand you pay the mortgage but its not just your home its 3 other peoples too.

My mum used to do tricks like this. "Its my telly, not yours" etc etc was a favourite line of hers.

Shes selfish too

Squeegle · 20/12/2015 19:27

spendspenspend, how old are you I wonder? You sound rather immature. It was your mum who was paying for your home I presume?

VintageDresses · 20/12/2015 19:27

You never, ever have guests unless you have rooms for everyone Spend?

I agree, I don't like my house, my rules because it's everyone's home, but those of us fortunate enough to have nice homes can still occasionally share them.

SavoyCabbage · 20/12/2015 19:29

21! Shock

Of course you are not being selfish or unreasonable to expect her to share with her own sister so you can accommodate guests in your own home.

I'd be asking her what her plans are to move out for a start.

As for Christmas tell her that that is what is happening. As an adult she can of course make alternative arrangements. Stay in a hotel for example.

Youarentkiddingme · 20/12/2015 19:30

Does your DD pay rent/housekeeping? If yes then I'd offer a reduction for sharing but tell her it's happening.

If not I'd just tell her he's staying, she is sharing the room you pay for and if she's rude and ruins Christmas you'll happily discuss how much she can pay next year to rent the room ensuring its her own space and she doesn't have to share it. Then walk away and don't discuss it.

mamapants · 20/12/2015 19:30

How old are the other two children? Can they share with your other daughters or sleep in living room or something?

nilbyname · 20/12/2015 19:31

Would the 21 be more inclined to share with the youngest?

You need to tell them
What's happening, and don't let them boss you about!

ChishandFips33 · 20/12/2015 19:31

Please reconsider OP, not so much for the message it will send to your eldest but to the message it will give your partner - he needs to know he matters and that your future together matters.

Original poster
Jojorobrob · 20/12/2015 19:31

Well their dad was seeing someone else, and has since married her since we divorced. My 3 never stood in his way and in fact were bridesmaids and that crushed me!! So I suppose I am angry that their dad has always had their blessing but they are objecting to me getting on with my life!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jojorobrob · 20/12/2015 19:33

Yes she does pay rent so I feel I do have to "do what she says". She works full time, earns more than me actually!!

OP posts:
Notimefortossers · 20/12/2015 19:34

The 21 year old (an ADULT?!?!!!) is kicking off about sharing with the 15 year old for a couple of nights . . . and you've given in and cancelled the Christmas you want?? Fuuuuuuuuuuckin hell OP! Sort it out!

Bakeoffcake · 20/12/2015 19:35

OP, I have a 21 year old dd. she doesn't like giving up or sharing her room either.

However if we have visitors, she knows it would be incredibly selfish of her to make a fuss so she just gets in with it.

I really think you should sit her down and tell her that after getting advice on MN thinking about it again, you want to spend Christmas with your children AND your partner, therefore she will be sharing a room with her sister for a few days. and if she doesn't like it she can find a hotel for herself

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 19:37

She works full time, earns more than me actually

Excellent - that means she can pay for the hotel!

SpendSpendSpend · 20/12/2015 19:37

Squeegle

Im late 20s, but i am a mother myself and pay the rent on my own home but i dont see it as my rules because i pay the rent.

I dont have guests to stay as i dont have the room for them.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/12/2015 19:38

Your children sound like brats and you sound like a doormat. How has this dynamic come about?

Bakeoffcake · 20/12/2015 19:39

Jojorobrob
Yes she does pay rent so I feel I do have to "do what she says". She works full time, earns more than me actually!!

You're very wrong here. Just because she pays rent doesn't mean you have to "do what she says"

Would a wife have to "do as she was told" if they were a SAHM? No, that's nonsense.

It's YOUR name on the house, she is 21 and if she doesn't like the way you run things, then she can always find alternative accommodation.

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 19:47

How do you plan to manage this space issue in the future? I think your dd is sending a message that her room is her room and she wont be sharing it so that your fella and his kids can move in. I think she is taking a 'thin end of the wedge' approach. She sees Christmas as the first step towards a more permanent share. Tbh, I wouldn't want to share my room either.

So you have to make some choices, going forward. Are you going to ask her to move out so your dp can move in? Or buy a house big enough to accommodate all the kids in rooms of their own? Does she work and contribute? If she is in full time education, I would view her as a child and not an adult capable of being self supporting. If she works (or is actively seeking work) and pays her way, then she is buying some rights to her own space. If whw is a work shy layabout then tell her to suck it up. Lots of variables which affect how I would handle her.

My instinct is to say tread carefully. You dont want her to perceive she is being pushed out in favour of your dp.

Youarentkiddingme · 20/12/2015 19:48

Ok, she's 21 and earns more than you.

Simple solution. DD, you are an adult and have a right to chose what goes on in your own home. So as you are earning now and renting off me I'm giving you 2 months notice to move out. I can't and won't have my tenants dictate my life for me.
I'm totally against parents making a child feel unwelcome in their home (I know because my parents do it to me) - but if she can't act like a loving DD then treat her as an adult tenant.

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 19:49

X posted with you.
I'm sorry but I do think that if she is paying her way, she is entitled to her own space.

mineofuselessinformation · 20/12/2015 19:50

Tell the oldest that you'll knock those nights off her rent, as she'll be sharing - but then add it back on as the additional costs of food and drink at this time of year.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 20/12/2015 19:57

She has got her own space. She is just being asked to share it with her sister for a couple of days. Being part of a family is about learning to compromise sometimes, so letting her have her own way because she's thrown a fit is really not a good idea. She's not a toddler and should know better.