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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Christmas sleeping arrangements! My kids not happy, help!

128 replies

Jojorobrob · 20/12/2015 18:50

Hello, I have 3 daughters of my own, I am divorced and have a wonderful partner who I've been with for 3 years, who is widowed and has 2 children. Over Christmas I want them all to stay with me, and they want to, but my eldest daughter has really kicked off over sleeping arrangements, ie, my second eldest daughter will need to give up her room for a few days and move in to my eldest daughters room. I feel I should stand my ground on this as it is my house, I pay the mortgage, and surely what I say goes?? But i'm a pushover and I have ended up telling my partner that he cant come over Xmas. My kids have their own way and are happy now, but i'm devastated that I cant see my partner and I cant stop crying. We want to move in together over the next couple of years too and I just cant see it happening with my daughters acting this way and kicking off until they get their own way?! I just want one big happy family. Can anyone advise me what to do please? Am I being completely selfish? Thanks in advance

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 19:59

Paying rent to your mum doesn't absolve you of all familial responsibility! She needs to share her room for a few nights, end of.

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 20:00

I guess it comes down to whether you think of your house as primarily yours or whether you consider your kids have equal claim, given that it is their home too.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 20:02

Not really. It's more about all mucking in and doing what needs to be done in order to accommodate guests.

Bakeoffcake · 20/12/2015 20:05

She's only being spasked to share with her sister for a few nights!

That's what happens in families unless you have extra bedrooms. Her age is irrelevant as is the fact she pays rent.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 20/12/2015 20:07

It's nothing to do with 'whose house it is'. Most normal families would shift people around and double up in order to accommodate guests.

gleam · 20/12/2015 20:08

Making your dds share when they don't want to, is not going to lead to 'one big happy family', imo.

Have you sat down with them and talked through their objections?
Do the other children break their stuff or is it pressure on the bathroom of 7 people in a house or what?

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 20:10

Sometimes we have to do things for other family members even though we don't want to - that's what being a family is all about.

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 20:11

But the dd is taking the view that these are not her guests and therefore not her responsibility. Her mum wants them but is making dd accommodate them.

FishWithABicycle · 20/12/2015 20:11

God almighty.

21yo is an adult. Book a b&b room for her somewhere, she can come back for mealtimes and have her own room a taxi ride away.

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 20:13

Sir you could turn that back to the mum and say that she should not inflict guests on her kids if they dont want them.

I know that if I was 21 and fully paying my way, I would expect my personal space to be just that!

Flingingmelon · 20/12/2015 20:13

She's twenty one and she can't share a room with her sister for a few days?

Unless she's actually renting the room from you she needs to suck it up.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 20:15

That's right - she isn't seeing them as her guests, which shows what a very immature and selfish person she is. If it's going to cause her problems then she should be looking for alternative arrangements.

Once Christmas is over I'd be thinking very seriously about whether I wanted my adult child who behaved that way in the house. Sounds like she needs her own space where she can dictate how she lives her life as opposed to being flexible and responsive to the needs of other family members.

Roussette · 20/12/2015 20:16

But will the DD be 'fully paying her way'? Gas, elec, rates, running costs of a house, insurance. Doubtful. Should kids dictate what a Mum does with her house just because she pays a bit of rent?

It's two nights, how selfish not to just share a room.

BifsWif · 20/12/2015 20:17

You need to reverse your decision. You are at real risk of damaging/killing your relationship if you keep pandering to your daughters demands.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 20/12/2015 20:21

She is 21?
I'd tell her to suck it up.

BackforGood · 20/12/2015 20:21

I agree with everyone else - she needs to get over herself. when you have people staying, you all squish up and make room. It's not like you are moving them in and asking for this to be a permanent arrangement. I'd be inclined to tell her that's where her sister is sleeping for the few days, and if she doesn't like it, then she needs to find an alternative place to sleep herself.

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 20:25

All she is demanding though, is to keep her own space and not have to accommodate her mum's boyfriend and kids.

I think that she is letting you know she isn't happy about the idea of permanent change and you need to tread carefully if you dont want her to feel pushed out. I think that is where this is coming from and is more than just selfishness.

independentfriend · 20/12/2015 20:30

You may not ever achieve one big happy family. Each of the people involved is an individual with their own relationship with everybody else involved. Asking people to give up their personal space for house guests is a big imposition, regardless of who owns/rents the house. Lack of personal space = potential trigger for arguments, particularly over Christmas. Your eldest daughter's response if you push this, might be to choose to spend Christmas elsewhere. I suggest starting smaller than having your partner and two additional children staying - can they sleep in a hotel and locally and come to you during the day, if it's too far for them to travel to you for the day?

wannabestressfree · 20/12/2015 20:32

It's Christmas.... Goodwill to all men etc. Can you appeal to her better nature? compromise on at least Christmas eve and Christmas day? I get it though as we have had 'issues' with all being together but we stick together and explain how important it is for us to spend time like this together.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 20:32

Your eldest daughter's response if you push this, might be to choose to spend Christmas elsewhere

That sounds very much like blackmail...and if any of my adult children tried this one with me I would be very unimpressed and extremely disappointed in them.

SpendSpendSpend · 20/12/2015 20:32

Could your dp children stay in the lounge for the night?

Maybe you could get some fold up beds from ikea and store them away afterwards and then they could stay more often but they sleep in the lounge on them

Nonidentifyingnc · 20/12/2015 20:36

Yes, but the mum is trying to force this arrangement and big happy family on a dd who clearly doesnt want it! Goodwill applies to the OP as well as to the dd. Some people really do value their own space and giving it up for something you don't actually want, is a big ask.

seven201 · 20/12/2015 20:36

You need to sit down and explain to the 21 year old how devastated you are. She is being completely selfish and using you as a doormat! If she doesn't listen perhaps write her a letter or ask her dad to have a word with her? Please don't give in, you deserve a happy Christmas.

Youarentkiddingme · 20/12/2015 20:38

Although I don't agree with the older DDs attitude you have to consider that she's an adult renting a room - if that was a rented room in a shared house you wouldn't expect her to double up with other renters for one of them to have visitors.

However you would expect if renting a room on a shared house basis you were also responsible for your own food shopping, bills, washing etc.

This is where I think you need to re evaluate the agreement that your DDs rent covers. If she isn't going to make compromises then neither do you.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 20:43

She's not being asked to give up her own space - she's been asked to share her room for 2/3 nights with her sister. Keep it in perspective.

If she is unable to be sufficiently mature to accommodate a perfectly reasonable request which happens throughout the world at this time of year in millions of homes then it's time to re-evaluate the living arrangements.

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