Dd is not talking to me or Dh, over a week now.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

I'm worried ive fucked things up between me and her, that Dh has fucked things up, that she's being a drama lama. Probably a combination. She's 14yo and we haven't had any problems with her until this and im at a loss on how to sort it.

there was an "event" which kicked it all off. She was being loud and a bit annoying. Dh told her to calm down, she didn't. He got up and left the room, she followed. He shut the door as he left the room leaving her and me in the sitting room. She tried to open it and he was holding the handle from the other side so she couldn't get out. Up till this point it was all kind of in jest, Dh wasnt pissed off or angry with her but was more messing about.

She exploded, big overreaction. Screeeching and going crazy. Id got a headache and told her to calm down /stop screeching, etc. I got up to open the door as I hadn't realised Dh was holding it (it does stick sometimes). She carried on screeching and I had had enough. I raised my hand towards her in frustration as I passed her. Opened the door and I went out and went upstairs for some peace. At no point was I ever going to hit her but yes I'm not proud I held my hand up as if I was going to slap her. I wasn't even that close to her.

She went to bed soon after. The next morning she was in a bad mood with me (understaement) and as I came in the dining room she kind of flattened herself against the wall and screamed at me that she didn't want me near her. I pointed out if she still felt that by the following day (Saturday) it was going to make our planned weekend away to an event she wanted to go to a bit difficult and we wouldn't be able to go if I couldn't go near her. I left for work.

She was crying at school that day and the HoY rang Dh to say dd had been upset and said Id threatened her and that Dh had locked her in a room. Dh managed to explain that things weren't quite like that.

Dd seemed ok that evening. Me and her went away that weekend, had a nice weekend away. It was an event for her, not me and I put myself out a lot for her, cost me a lot of money. She seemed happy. She did some xmas present shopping inc stuff for me and Dh.

Since Monday she seems to have got worse. Very grumpy. Hasn't spoken a word to Dh all week. Is barely talking to me. Taking herself off to bed without saying goodnight which is unusual.

I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't like living with people who threatened her. I had a good chat to her. I apologised and said that I thought it had been blown out of proportion a bit. But that I shouldn't have done it, that I was never actually going to slap her but that sometimes people get frustrated.

Things are still bad today. We've been to see family and she was ok while there but said to me that she's only being ok as we were with others. She told me today she just wants to be at school, not having to spend two weeks at home. In the car on the way home she wouldn't talk to us. Scowling furiously at Dh when he spoke to her. She's taken herself off to bed without saying goodnight again.

I don't know tomorrow whether to try apoligising again?

Just ignore the situation and not give her any attention over it?

Read her the riot act and say she's got to accept that if she's screaming like a banshee in someone's face and doesn't stop when asked she can't be suprised if she gets a reaction?

I can't cope with the xmas holidays being like this.

I would also

Sorry - I would also check to see that she is not telling the world and his wife on the internet that you punched her and her dad locked her in a room. At the least, it could make her embarrassed when she has come out of it, but at worst it sounds like she is convincing herself that it happened, and you could be getting brought to the attention on SS or her school.

You may have to explain that to her.

I do think that you need another talk, and another line in the sand. She is now playing you like a Stradivarius.

Well done for eating the creme egg.

Unlike other posters, since this is sudden problem in a previously harmonious household, I don't think whole of OP's usual parenting needs to be thrown out.

Don't be afraid to let her stew, OP. Gently let her know the ball is in her court, though. Your door is always open but not for abuse.

I just think you need to stop all the emotional drama and calm things down completely in your home. That's where the initial problem blew up, from everyone getting drawn into her drama and over reacting. You have had a talk with her and apologised, which I think was right, but I don't agree you need to give her another unconditional apology or anything like that. Just carry on with life in a very restrained and calm manner, enjoy your Christmas and let things die down. Try to get your Dh to do the same. Don't make it into a power struggle by trying to make her be nice, or taking down the tree.

If it was me, I would be taking to her, saying that you've apologised and DH is apologised but as adults you want to move on from it.

I would emphasise your desire to treat her like an adult and your expectations that she behaves like one eg makes her own food. She isn't a toddler that can't be trusted not to even make toast!

If she is generally good, working hard at school and giving you no problems, just a bit lazy, I would just keep treating her as much as possible as an adult, and you and DH showing her by your own actions how adults behave eg being kind to each other, treating each other respectfully etc. I would ignore any low level snipiness or those heavy teenage sighs/eye rolls mine like to do I would be saying as she is getting older she can be trusted and is expected to cook things for herself, organise her schoolwork etc and you will help if needed or asked but you recognise her desire to be treated as an adult and that's what you'll all do.

I have to say your DH saying he will take the tree down isn't the adult thing to do. At the moment in your house it seems like everything revolves around her a bit, at least mine are diluted as I have to deal with one after the other I would definitely been encouraging and noting good adult type behaviour and not responding to anything less than this unless it's truly awful.

Does she ever offer to cook for you, or make you a cup of tea even? I think encouraging empathy and kindness is really important and I find if I treat my DC kindly they do appreciate it and try and give back. Well most of the time

(Our house is probably a bit different in some ways though as I am disabled so they have to help out, I am really conscious of not over burdening them but equally they seem more "caring" than some of their friends)

I was like this at 14 to 15, before I was shocked into playing nicely by both my parents. And I was clipped round the ear hole several times (thoroughly deserved, actually).

If you keep pandering to her and apologising, it will get worse, believe me. You need to change how you deal with her behaviour because she already knows that you'll keep 'begging' her to be nice. Don't. Don't enter into any further discussion with her and for goodness sake stop making sandwiches and snacks for her - she's more than old enough to get her own. Family meals? Tell her what you're having and it's up to her if she eats with you. If she doesn't then she can make a snack of her own.

She's pushing your boundaries now and will continue to, so you need to raise the bar in order that she has something to push against whilst still coming off not too badly. If you keep the bar low, her behaviour will escalate and it won't be pretty. Do not engage with infantile antics - you are her parents, not her friends.

My DF was always 'the bad cop' and my mum the good. One day, she didn't stand up for me, but stood side by side with my DF. That was my turning point - it scared me. DM had always been 'the protector' but I'd pushed her so far that she no longer played that role. I knew then that I'd shoved that boundary really really hard, but by them changing how they dealt with me, it forced me into either becoming far worse or toeing the line.

I chose the toe the line because I wasn't making myself happy either.

Stop saying your sorry she is being a Drama Llama and is lovlng twisting you both her poor lovely sounding Mum and Dad around her little finger and saying that you punched her is a bloody awful thing to say,OP that is not an exaggeration it's a lie and a bloody dangerous one for her to be telling!

She's a teenager and although that can be a horrible time(I bloody hated being a teenager)she is not seriously ill,dying,living in a hell hole with evil parents that abuse her so she needs to stop and she needs to stop now!

I had a really bad childhood,think along the lines of SS should have been involved but I never ever treated my parents the way your DD has been treating you both and I really would have had plenty of valid reasons for acting in that way.

I'd tell her enough is enough,it's nearly Christmas and you and her Dad want to be able to enjoy Christmas.If she carrys on sulking and not talking let her,it won't harm you and it won't hurt her but it could be a valuable lesson learnt for her.It won't be long and she'll be a young adult,so now would be a great time for her to learn to do some things for herself,like making breakfast and helping round the house and to learn that playing the injured party for ages and ages soon wears thin for those around you.

Thanks everyone.

Tree is staying up.
I will ignore the sulking,metc now and see if she gets bored of it. You're right, ive said sorry enough.

I will give her the xmas presents. Mainly because I'm soft and I can't stand the thought of her not having any. Also because if we didn't it would be another reason to hate us. I can see it now, "poor me, my parents are so nasty they didn't get me any presents, etc".

Also one of her presents is a card game which she's desperate for....im hoping she might be so keen to play it that she actually agrees to play it with us on xmas day and maybe we can actually have some fun, family time.

At least my dog still loves me in the mean time!

Op....please behave in your normal happy day to day manner with your DH. Keep up the tree.

Daughter is manipulating you both and is doing a great job of it. She has you apologising over and over.... total centre of an exaggerated drama.

Tell her drama is over. As a matter of fact tell her also.......get your own breakfast, sort your laundry, and if you want any sort of a Christmas with gifts....switch off the drama....now go put the kettle on and we'll have tea and cake and talk about something nice.
So you put the kettle and sort cups, I'll get the cake.

If she doesn't respond, have tea and cake yourself, be as normal as you can, don't stop talking to her but stop grovelling. xx

Must agree. Do not apologise to her one more single time. You have said sorry multiple times and it's having no effect on her mood, other than to further make her think she's been terribly wronged. Fgs stop now.

My DD still hates me to. She said she's "leaving and never coming back" but then asked if I'd still pay her phone contract

They all love bad attention in DDs crowd anyway. She has also changed me removing her phone to injuring her to get it. It's quite depressing to feel you do everything to make them happy and they still hate you. I'm hoping your situation improves by Christmas.

You have apologised, that is enough. I was the full time top of the class drama llama when I was 14.
My DM took absolutely no notice of my selfish antics and just told me she wouldn't listen to a screeching madam who was only concerned about herself.
Your dd is making the proverbial mountain out of a molehill and is probably enjoying herself
Don't worry about school, terms over now so she can't create act 2 there.
Also don't worry about ss, they are far too busy for teenage strops.
Just carry on as per normal, if she wants to eat she knows where the kitchen is and she won't go hungry will she?
Seems to me she's milking the argument and getting as much mileage as possible out of it.
Ignore the tantrums, when there's no audience she won't perform

I agree with Sugar21

Unfortunately SS are not too busy for 'teenage strops'. If she were to tell her version to them there would be an investigation which is why it is better to diffuse this properly. The apologies do seem to have a 'but' at the end of them so she hasn't got what she deserved. An impasse is never a healthy stage to reach, I do think talking calmly and openly about it is the best option or she will just seek sympathy elsewhere. Do you really believe she is just making this all up for no reason? That she is perfectly happy and everything is fine with her? It doesn't sound like it and it sounds like communication has completely broken down. I work in Child Protection in a school and I wouldn't ignore this allegation if it came across my desk. Getting to the bottom of why she feels the need to exaggerate this is important or you are storing up problems. Yes, you don't need to indulge her but it's hardly the behaviour of a perfectly happy, contented 14 year old.

While I appreciate that you didn't intend to hit her, and raising your hand was an instinctive reaction, I'm not sure that telling her that you were never going to hit her is helping. Neither is telling her that she's exaggerating.

Your husband shut her in a room with you and you raised your hand to her. You have to both be sorry for that, without excuses, as you'd expect her to be if she'd raised her hand to you. If this happened a week ago and your husband hasn't apologised yet, that's horrendous. He should, even if he thought he was being funny. It's clear that she didn't think so, and whether it's hormones or just teenage-ness or she really did feel trapped and threatened, he should have apologised for causing that.

I'd let it go for a while, and in a while once she's calmed down, text her and call a truce. Everyone was wrong. Your husband shouldn't have locked you in a room, you shouldn't have raised your hand, she shouldn't have reacted like a child.

I would look at anger management and calming techniques for all of you, because they'd probably help her, and you did raise your hand.

If she carries on and won't accept a truce, then just let her know that you're ready when she is, and carry on as normal. Ignore the mood. She'll snap out of it.

For what it's worth, my sisters were hell for things like this, especially with 5 of us in the house. We're all the right side of 18 now, and this is a thing of the distant past.

Just wanted to say that your 12.15 post sounds like the perfect response well done try and keep that up and have a think about how much you are doing for her. Longer term think about her role in the family. If she has no responsibility for any chores or even basic caring for herself she is going to struggle with growing up. Stop making her breakfast unless you are making yourself some, does she lay or clear the table? Does she make her bed tidy her room? At 14 my ds cooked every Tuesday as I didn't finish work til 8.30. By 15 he was planning shopping and cooking the meal. You need to be more of a team and less of a golden child pampering service and she will respond accordingly. Ignore all the dv/child abuse hysterical posting this is fairly standard teenage behaviour change your reactions and she will have to change hers. I really disliked my teenage dd and thought I was the worst mum in the world she's bloody lovely now.

Has she actually apologised for her behaviour that led up to the incident? Some apologies do need a but, because life is very rarely that simple that only one person is in the wrong.

No she hasn't. She did say today that when she was following Dh out the room she was doing it because she wanted to say sorry to him. I'm not convinced to be honest but didn't tell her that.

Oh PUHLEEZE

That's always my 12 year old DSs line when he's been sent to his room for back chatting...... "But I was just about to apologise!!" when he patently wasn't.

Just say "Oh were you? Oh well. Apologise now then. Then come and apologise to me. Then DROP THE DRAMA".

Well touch wood everything is back to normal.

She's been shut in her room (her choice) all day. I had the idea of a take away curry for dinner, figuring she would have to come and sit down to eat of she wanted to join in and she loves curry.

Worked a treat. By the end of dinner she'd even stopped scowling at Dh. Is back to normal chatty self, telling crap jokes which we laughed along with a bit more than usual. Am so relieved.

like little light switches....

Or the stormy sea turned to calm & balmy overnight.

That's great.

Excellent, glad to hear it.