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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd is not talking to me or Dh, over a week now.

112 replies

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 19/12/2015 22:27

I'm worried ive fucked things up between me and her, that Dh has fucked things up, that she's being a drama lama. Probably a combination. She's 14yo and we haven't had any problems with her until this and im at a loss on how to sort it.

there was an "event" which kicked it all off. She was being loud and a bit annoying. Dh told her to calm down, she didn't. He got up and left the room, she followed. He shut the door as he left the room leaving her and me in the sitting room. She tried to open it and he was holding the handle from the other side so she couldn't get out. Up till this point it was all kind of in jest, Dh wasnt pissed off or angry with her but was more messing about.

She exploded, big overreaction. Screeeching and going crazy. Id got a headache and told her to calm down /stop screeching, etc. I got up to open the door as I hadn't realised Dh was holding it (it does stick sometimes). She carried on screeching and I had had enough. I raised my hand towards her in frustration as I passed her. Opened the door and I went out and went upstairs for some peace. At no point was I ever going to hit her but yes I'm not proud I held my hand up as if I was going to slap her. I wasn't even that close to her.

She went to bed soon after. The next morning she was in a bad mood with me (understaement) and as I came in the dining room she kind of flattened herself against the wall and screamed at me that she didn't want me near her. I pointed out if she still felt that by the following day (Saturday) it was going to make our planned weekend away to an event she wanted to go to a bit difficult and we wouldn't be able to go if I couldn't go near her. I left for work.

She was crying at school that day and the HoY rang Dh to say dd had been upset and said Id threatened her and that Dh had locked her in a room. Dh managed to explain that things weren't quite like that.

Dd seemed ok that evening. Me and her went away that weekend, had a nice weekend away. It was an event for her, not me and I put myself out a lot for her, cost me a lot of money. She seemed happy. She did some xmas present shopping inc stuff for me and Dh.

Since Monday she seems to have got worse. Very grumpy. Hasn't spoken a word to Dh all week. Is barely talking to me. Taking herself off to bed without saying goodnight which is unusual.

I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't like living with people who threatened her. I had a good chat to her. I apologised and said that I thought it had been blown out of proportion a bit. But that I shouldn't have done it, that I was never actually going to slap her but that sometimes people get frustrated.

Things are still bad today. We've been to see family and she was ok while there but said to me that she's only being ok as we were with others. She told me today she just wants to be at school, not having to spend two weeks at home. In the car on the way home she wouldn't talk to us. Scowling furiously at Dh when he spoke to her. She's taken herself off to bed without saying goodnight again.

I don't know tomorrow whether to try apoligising again?

Just ignore the situation and not give her any attention over it?

Read her the riot act and say she's got to accept that if she's screaming like a banshee in someone's face and doesn't stop when asked she can't be suprised if she gets a reaction?

I can't cope with the xmas holidays being like this.

OP posts:
MaisieDotes · 20/12/2015 12:27

She's so deep into it now she can't give up without losing face.

But... why can't she make her own breakfast?

JE1234 · 20/12/2015 12:27

Your denial about this is excruciating. You raised a hand to your daughter, which is a threat, regardless of whether you carried it out or intended to. You did threaten her with violence and until you address that and are truly sorry she will continue to play up. You have lost her trust. Yes she is exaggerating with regards to the door but you are also minimising what happened to her. You both need to sincerely apologise and mean it, she is hurting and you fucked up. She's a kid and she's had a scare, be the parents and help her past it.

Original poster
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 20/12/2015 12:32

Why can't she make her own breakfast?

Because she's a lazy. I do tend to do everything for her and I know I shouldnt. I think sometimes with only one dc who drags their feet over everything it's just easier to do stuff. I know ive made a rod for my own back.

She can do toast and when I'm at work she will make her own toast. I guess if I'm home I don't mind making her her breakfast.

She has an easy life here, doesn't do any chores as ive given up nagging.

Oh, I pointed out that she was ok with me last weekend when we went away. She said that was because she didn't really have to much Time with me (I took her there and she went into the actual event with friends she met). But in the car she was fine, talking to me on the drive there and back....so it was obvious that she can be ok when she wants something.

I'm just at the end of my tether and really upset. Dh says he's packing the xmas tree up today and taking the decorations down.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 20/12/2015 12:33

I have said sorry for threatening her and mesnt it. I told her I shouldn't have done it but that I was never going to hit her.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 20/12/2015 12:37

She sounds a total madam, you've apologised (more than once) - what more are you and your DH supposed to do? Teenagers think the world revolves around them, yes I've got a 14 year old - I did smack him last week (I am not proud, I was at the end of my tether with his rudeness - I apologised, he accepted it, we moved on).

I suggest you just stop pandering to her, she is clearly relishing all the attention and drama.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 20/12/2015 12:37

Has your DH apologised to her?

JE1234 · 20/12/2015 12:37

Maybe showing that you understand that she didn't interpret it like that is important. A threat of violence is a threat of violence regardless of your real intention. She is unlikely to believe you if you don't acknowledge that her interpretation of it was reasonable. You then have a much more secure ground to reason with her over exaggeration. It sounds like you all need to sit down and talk calmly, try not to minimise her experience of it and find a way forward. She's a teen, it will feel very real to her and like no one understands her.

Original poster
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 20/12/2015 12:37

Yes he has.

OP posts:
PurpleHairAndPearls · 20/12/2015 12:38

At 14 she is more then capable of making her own breakfast btw. Mine make pretty much 90% of their own meals. And quite often they make mine too.

Original poster
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 20/12/2015 12:41

I did say that if she felt I was going to hit her then I'm very sorry.

When she was bringing it up again today she initially said "you punched me and Dad locked me in a room". So she is most definetly exaggerating it. When I pointed out I hadn't laid a finger on her she said "well you tried to".

OP posts:
PurpleHairAndPearls · 20/12/2015 12:41

"I told her I shouldn't have done it but that I was never going to hit her"

I always say to my DC that an apology that contains the word "but" isn't an apology Smile

Seriously though she obviously doesn't believe either you or DH are actually sorry or really see your behaviour as unacceptable.

What is she like generally? Any other DCs and what is their behaviour like?

Original poster
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 20/12/2015 12:44

No other dc. She's normally fine apart from being a bit lazy. Works hard at school, is well behaved.

OP posts:
AIN · 20/12/2015 12:44

I think you need to think about how your apology has come across? Was it a genuine apology or was it more of an "I'm sorry but..."? How would you feel if you had felt threatened by you DH? Could you you just draw a line under it? I would try not to make a drama out of it but give her a genuine apology with no mention of her behaviour (as it comes across as an excuse for yours). And then say you will give her some space and you love her very much.

Original poster
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 20/12/2015 12:45

I went and found her and made wha I felt was quite a lengthy and sincere apology. I can keep repeating it but I dont think it will do any good.

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyRabbit · 20/12/2015 12:52

JE1234 - are you having a laugh?? Yes this girl has obviously been scared out of her wits. You can tell, by the way she's quietly making her own meals, and creeping round the house so as not to draw attention to herself Hmm

The more information you give about this spoilt little brat, the more I think it wouldnt have done her any harm if you HAD clipped her round the ear hole.

It's time you put a stop to this but from the extra bits you've written I suspect you'll carry on pandering to this child until she deigns to leave home.

MaisieDotes · 20/12/2015 12:53

I don't think you should keep repeating it, at all. You've apologised and that's it.

This is a power struggle and she is using the fact that you and your DH were in the wrong to gain position.

She needs to realise that although you and your DH were wrong that that doesn't mean you will be eternally in her debt.

At this stage I would really be ignoring the strop completely and "here's your creme egg DD, I'm leaving it here on the table for you" etc.

MuttonCadet · 20/12/2015 12:53

Please stop apologising to her. You've said sorry, nothing actually happened, she's being a total diva about this.

Don't let DH take the tree down, enjoy your Christmas and please don't give her any gifts, you need to nip this in the bud.

Thanks
Original poster
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 20/12/2015 12:54

Oh I've eaten the creme egg. Blush. Smile

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyRabbit · 20/12/2015 12:55

Apologising is one thing. You are GROVELLING. Stop it. Take charge. Enough. Time she apologised for her part in the whole episode. Grrrr. Horrible girl.

gamerchick · 20/12/2015 12:57

Christ on a bike at this thread, no wonder teenagers are running rings around adults these days Hmm

OP stop apologising and stop the pandering she's feeding off it. Also your husband is feeding it by the way he's reacting.

You both need to be parents and get her told. She can make her own breakfast, any other meals just make and put to one side. She can eat them or not. If she does the screaming abdabs then order her out of the room and physically put her out if she refuses. Treat it like a toddler having a tantrum. Tell her if she wants to be treated like a grown up then she can damn well start acting like it.

Do not apologise again despite what the bleeding hearts trying to make this your fault.

It is your fault in a way because you created this by taking the easy way out on all the things she should be doing. That needs to stop now or she'll struggle when she leaves home.

Don't cancel Christmas though or take decorations down. It's still Christmas for you and your husband, concentrate on that and invite her to join in.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 20/12/2015 12:59

YY Gamerchick.

BabyGanoush · 20/12/2015 13:00

Taking the tree down is just so weird, would that not punish you and DH equally? Sounds like your DH is a bit of a drama queen as well. He gives her too much power and plays along in this dramatic saga by offering to escalate it, silly bugger

You need to stop babying your DD, it is not good for her, even if you don't mind it as such.

It is not good for kids to be denied independence, at 14 she can get her own breakfast (and tidy it up!) at the very very least

abbsismyhero · 20/12/2015 13:02

my son was two when he began making his own breakfast repeat the words HELP YOURSELF next time she demands food you need firmer boundaries about the food issue

my fifteen year old is on a bitch fit this morning deliberately winding her brothers up refusing to shower refusing to get downstairs being loud volatile etc she has been warned repeatedly shouted at (up the stairs not in her face) told off and had her phone removed she is still talking to me and is watching her brothers right now so i can type this she is not holding a grudge accusing me of things hysterically or misbehaving in anyway

perhaps there is genuinely something else going on and your both easy targets?

(bitch fit is how we describe unreasonable uncalled for tantrum behaviour by the way its not calling her a bitch just to be clear)

EssentialHummus · 20/12/2015 13:02

I think I'd be telling her, From the way you're acting/behaving, it seems like you're still upset at me and Dad for what happened on Day. I apologised to you afterwards, and I expect us to get on with all our lives now. If there's something else going on, or if there's something I don't understand, please let me. Otherwise I expect you to act in a civil way towards me and Dad - we're not here to pander to you.

The fact that she can act civil when out and about, then strop at home, seems a sign of someone playing up rather than genuine unhappiness. I wouldn't cancel xmas, because it hands her more power, but I'd not give gifts etc unless she was acting appropriately. You love her unconditionally, but that doesn't mean that she's unconditionally entitled to gifts and treats.

cranberryx · 20/12/2015 13:02

I think this might be the beginning of many battles. I was like this as a teenager, especially around this age.

It might be worth filming the interaction next time (webcam/phone on side?) so you can show her how her behaviour was unreasonable. I know I had that selfish teenage blindness, where I was so hard done by and 'abused' when I really wasn't.