Dd is not talking to me or Dh, over a week now.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

I'm worried ive fucked things up between me and her, that Dh has fucked things up, that she's being a drama lama. Probably a combination. She's 14yo and we haven't had any problems with her until this and im at a loss on how to sort it.

there was an "event" which kicked it all off. She was being loud and a bit annoying. Dh told her to calm down, she didn't. He got up and left the room, she followed. He shut the door as he left the room leaving her and me in the sitting room. She tried to open it and he was holding the handle from the other side so she couldn't get out. Up till this point it was all kind of in jest, Dh wasnt pissed off or angry with her but was more messing about.

She exploded, big overreaction. Screeeching and going crazy. Id got a headache and told her to calm down /stop screeching, etc. I got up to open the door as I hadn't realised Dh was holding it (it does stick sometimes). She carried on screeching and I had had enough. I raised my hand towards her in frustration as I passed her. Opened the door and I went out and went upstairs for some peace. At no point was I ever going to hit her but yes I'm not proud I held my hand up as if I was going to slap her. I wasn't even that close to her.

She went to bed soon after. The next morning she was in a bad mood with me (understaement) and as I came in the dining room she kind of flattened herself against the wall and screamed at me that she didn't want me near her. I pointed out if she still felt that by the following day (Saturday) it was going to make our planned weekend away to an event she wanted to go to a bit difficult and we wouldn't be able to go if I couldn't go near her. I left for work.

She was crying at school that day and the HoY rang Dh to say dd had been upset and said Id threatened her and that Dh had locked her in a room. Dh managed to explain that things weren't quite like that.

Dd seemed ok that evening. Me and her went away that weekend, had a nice weekend away. It was an event for her, not me and I put myself out a lot for her, cost me a lot of money. She seemed happy. She did some xmas present shopping inc stuff for me and Dh.

Since Monday she seems to have got worse. Very grumpy. Hasn't spoken a word to Dh all week. Is barely talking to me. Taking herself off to bed without saying goodnight which is unusual.

I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't like living with people who threatened her. I had a good chat to her. I apologised and said that I thought it had been blown out of proportion a bit. But that I shouldn't have done it, that I was never actually going to slap her but that sometimes people get frustrated.

Things are still bad today. We've been to see family and she was ok while there but said to me that she's only being ok as we were with others. She told me today she just wants to be at school, not having to spend two weeks at home. In the car on the way home she wouldn't talk to us. Scowling furiously at Dh when he spoke to her. She's taken herself off to bed without saying goodnight again.

I don't know tomorrow whether to try apoligising again?

Just ignore the situation and not give her any attention over it?

Read her the riot act and say she's got to accept that if she's screaming like a banshee in someone's face and doesn't stop when asked she can't be suprised if she gets a reaction?

I can't cope with the xmas holidays being like this.

I also agree (have rtft) that there's probably something else bothering her so you should give her a hug and ask if she's ok

And teenagers can be v dramatic, everything is black and white so...

I would go absolutely bonkers if anyone restrained me in a room. How horrible. Definitely needs a sincere apology from both of you.

Hormones? Bullied at school? Think I'd be looking for other reasons. Whatever you do, don't keep apologising and also draw a line under it. Carry on as normal with her re Xmas etc that way she will realise her behaviour has changed but yours isn't going to.

Never underestimate the staying power of a teenage grudge. And never be surprised by how very very quickly everything changes when you're a teenager. You're their hero at breakfast, their zero at lunch, then you make mac n cheese for dinner - hero again.
Don't apologise again. Perhaps your DH should apologise, but he should bumble his way through by mentioning that it is hard to accept that she is now a young woman and that things she thought funny at 12 are no longer appropriate, he will try harder, in fact everyone will try harder to understand that she is now very nearly grown up (and therefore such tantrums are unacceptable, but he infers this DO NOT SAY IT). This kind of talk seems to mollify them a bit.
I've lost count of the times I've been told DD is going to ring SS, DD wants to go into foster care, DD hates us.
I think we're nearly through it now, and I think she is beginning to see that actually she loves us a heck of a lot, warts and all.

That's so normal.

Teenagers are struggling with adult emotions but developing brains. Give her space. She's testing where your boundaries are. Don't allow the rudeness, but equally, give her space to work it all out.

You'll laugh about it one day.

Oh yes, you will laugh about it one day.
We've just starting laughing about how, following one particular vicious Sunday afternoon in this house, DH sneaked round the back to have a crafty fag and calm down - to be confronted by DD climbing out of her bedroom window to escape the sheer hell of home. I don't know who was more shocked to be caught out!
However, refusal of the creme egg is worrying...

My DD hates me to dreading Christmas holidays. She was (and has all bloody week) been having major fallouts on the phone screaming, swearing and shouting very loudly. I gave her plenty of options/chances before asking for her phone (it had been going on for hours) she refused, I asked over 30 times calmly and politely. She told me to "fuck off" I removed it physically. She also told school I'd "assulted her" keeps throwing the word "abuse" about and has slagged me off to anyone who'll listen. I didn't even make contact with her just did a snatch and run , she had plenty of polite warning. Aaarrrrggghhhhhh

Tricky

Would you and DH behave like that to an adult? (Holding door shut and raising your fist?)

I am not sure, but maybe you are treating her as if she is a small child.

Maybe treat her a bit more like an adult? I have a 13yr old and dignity is an important thing to him.

But anyWay, how to move on now.... Start treating her a bit more like a young grown up and less like a child?

She couldn't have realistically thought I was going to slap her from where I was and also how I raised my hand.....it wasn't a serious threat.

And at 14 she is going to know that, is she? Raising a hand is a huge threat, often used to intimidate grown women in DV situations. It works, because it's bloody scary!

But yeah, you expected to be able to threaten your daughter, and have it not change a thing. She is showing you that you have betrayed her trust. She is allowed to do that. And this is a good lesson for her that she is allowed to feel the way she does.

It's parenting, showing her that actions have consequences. Yup...and the dd actions are the consequences for her family.

None of you on here would tell a grown woman, whose husband had raised his hands to her to "get over it" or accuse her of liking the drama.

None of you seem to be putting yourself in the dd's shoes. Being threatened with violence is massive, and would not be dismissed, as it has on this thread, is it were man against woman, yet because there is a child involved, you need to "show her who's in charge" by "reading her the riot act"

Fuck me.

"say she's got to accept that if she's screaming like a banshee in someone's face and doesn't stop when asked she can't be suprised if she gets a reaction?"

Perfect victim blaming mentality.

And if she has the misfortune to become a DV victim, she will take beating after beating because she will believe it is her fault.

Come the fuck on!!!

Sit her down, make sure you and DH have given her a clear, straightforward apology, then ask her "how do you think we should move forward?" as a starting point for talking about the changes you all need to make. Listen to her properly, if she is talking about how she is feeling then acknowledge those feelings. Talk about how her behaviour and the fallout has made you feel. Avoid blame, be open and honest.

It's not victim blaming. There was an incident when're the parents acted stupidly and thoughtlessly. There were elements of a misjudged joke that turned into something more serious.

But the child was not hurt. And assuming there is no history of abuse or violence she is massively overreacting.

Her father needs to apologise, her mother already has. The DD needs to learn about lapses in judgment.

She also needs to learn that her sort of behaviour is unacceptable. I am all for everyon recognising that what her parents did was wrong, but she needs to know that her behaviour contributed to it.

What different name said. I would be upset to be treated like this, a door held against me and a hand raised to me.

I have a lot of sympathy for your DD. Your DH definitely needs to sit down with her, talk to her and apologise. The fact you want to "read her the riot act" over this speaks volumes.

The way she has reacted shows this has upset her very much. I know very well the teenage sense of proportion can sometimes be out of kilter but this is clearly a huge deal for her. I think it's important to "model" proportionate and correct behaviour and also reactions to teens and I would start with your own. You have upset her, allow her to tell you honestly why she feels upset, apologise (and mean it) and move on.

As pp said, if your DH had acted to you the way you both acted towards her, people would be giving you the number for WA. As a man, my DH is very aware of any behaviour that could be perceived to be threatening due to his size and gender, especially where DDs are concerned and would always always walk away in a situation where it could become an issue.

You are concentrating on her reaction to your behaviour (which you perceive to be an over reaction) but not looking properly at your behaviour and how she perceives your behaviour. Maybe you could all learn from this episode?

(I will say though I have a fear of hands near my face due to precious violence so DH is aware not to reach over my head to get something out of a cupboard etc. He knows, and I know my fear is irrational as he would never hurt me, but he still watches his actions so he doesn't upset me. He doesn't say my reaction is irrational, he just modifies his behaviour to adapt to it).

If this had been a adult female posting that she thought that her partner was going to hit her, her feelings wouldn't be being belittled like this.

Hysterical overreacting on some posters parts. She's being a teenager you are being stumbling thru parenting said teenager I would sit her down and say we were all in the wrong here you most of all but it's time to stop being a drama llama and move on. She is clearly not a 'victim' if you scream like a banshee in someone's face there will be consequences you don't like. Your dh left the room to avoid her she shouldn't have followed him and needs to be told that. Actions have consequences.

I am astounded at the dire warnings of future DV being thrown around here.

Fucking hell. If a teenage girl is throwing a hissy fit, screaming the odds and generally being a spoiled brat are parents just to ignore it? OP had had enough. She raised her arm as she walked past, has apologised for it sincerely and accepts it was not her finest hour.
Her DH held the door shut for a matter of seconds and people are hysterically accusing him of "restraining" her? I sometimes think that MNetters sometimes live on a different planet. Although I agree the DH should apologise - it was a bit ill-thought out as a prank.

And as for the DD...well she'd be on extremely thin ice in my house. She needs to understand that she can't behave like that.

So she's managing to contain her terror and trauma when other people are around?
She also managed to get over her strop when you spent a weekend together doing things she enjoys?

And then recommenced the strop when you got back?

She's going to milk this for weeks if you don't nip it in the bud now. You've apologised. She needs to do the same. I'd be having VERY stern words if I were you. Silly little drama queen. She's built herself up into quite the tragic, abused heroine in her head hasn't she?!

Honestly I'd sit her down and tell her for once and for all, you are closing the incident.
Apologise for the final time, then tell her that you will not have your christmas ruined by her extended bad feeling. Say you love her and will look forward to spending time with her when she has decided to behave calmed down, but until that point you will be carrying on enjoying the festive season despite.
Then do so.

Got to sit being fussed over by HoY who she has a bit of a girl crush on

Ooh, I luffs that bit.

When DD (also 14) is in a good mood we can talk about why she flies off the handle sometimes. She says she "can't help it", which is how I read things. Pure immaturity. We can talk rationally when she is receptive, no point when she's still stuck in her storm.

I don't give extra attention.
She can try emotional blackmail until the sun freezes over, it won't work with me. DD knows & suddenly snaps out of her mood, I find.
I model back to her how to be calm in the face of an out-of-control person.

Yrs ago I realised I am the solid rock cliff & DD is the tempestuous sea. It's an enormous comfort to her, ultimately, for me to stand firm & consistent & dull, even when she's all over the place.

Problem with reading the riot act is it's still attention: another one of my DC spent yrs getting his kicks out of getting told off. It's not a good cycle to get into. We're still human & totally right to say "That's hurtful", "You're being totally unreasonable" & even "go to your room NOW until you can calm down." But I say it once clearly rather than repeating in misguided attempt to insist they acknowledge & become rational while they are still mid- tantrum.

Teens really are so much like toddlers.

Raising the hand sounds like a "Please STOP" gesture, not a precursor to violence.

If it was abuse op would've smacked her round the face. My mum never hesitated before slapping me round the face from the age of ten. By the time I was 14 my dad would hold her back and I'd barricade myself in my room. I'd never know what I'd done wrong.
Why did dh refuse to let her out of the room?
Stop talking about it, you've apologised, she should apologise for shrieking at you and dh for not letting her out. But you can't make them. We're all human and make mistakes but we need to learn from them. Have a look for anger management techniques for the family to do. Op you feel bad, an abuser never feels bad or apologises. My parents abused me and my dcs and have never apologised of admitted they were wrong.

I went to the gym early this morning. Came back and dd comes downstairs demanding that I feed her. Asked her what she wanted. She said she didn't care, she was starving, thag Dh had refused to feed her. I asked her if she wanted a toastie, didn't get a reply. Started making her one.

Dh came in tne kitchen I said to him that I hear you wouldn't make dd any food. He said that wasn't true. She had asked him, he had asked her what she wanted. Never got a reply. He asked if she wanted toast she said no and flounced off.

She admits that Dh asked her what she wanted, offered her toast and that she went back upstairs. And somehow she equates that to Dh refusing to feed her.

I said she's got to stop exaggerating. She started screaming that she hates us, doesn't want to spend time with is because I tried to hit her and Dh locked her in a room. I calmly told her she's exaggerating again, that I was never going to hit her but that if she felt threatened I was sorry. She is adament that I tried to hit her. Ive repeatedly told her that I was never going to hit her......and I think she knows that.

Told her she's got two choices, she either carries on like this and is miserable or we all draw a line under it, be nice to each other and gave a nice christmas.

She stormed off upstairs in floods of tears and is in her bedroom typing furiously on her PC. Said she doesn't care about christmas.

Hormones?

I did this when I was 14. My dad was shouty and I made him into an abusive awful parent. Told my school, told my friends, it was awful. I look back and cringe. I completely agree that it's an attention thing but she will be convincing her self it's true.