19 Year old son Drug addict

[alice1971]

Hello.

It is with utter disbelief that I begin to write this message, and I stress that I am in utter shock at what has just happened.

A couple of weeks ago, I was cleaning out my 19 year old son's room when I began to find small little baggies (of which I assumed were cannabis) and thought nothing of it - we had a grown up talk and he promised he would knock it on the head. However, I have just walked into his room to clean it and under his bed was a packet of needles and what I suspect to be either Heroin or Ketamine in baggies. I have no idea what to do, I just confronted him in the living room and he straight up admitted that it was intact Heroin. He says he has been taking it for 2 months and is the reason he was sacked from his job, and failed his As level exams. He has also told me he owes a drug dealer 400 pounds...
Please any advice would mean the world. I am sorry to spread my pain.

Alice

Alice, I'm so sorry I truly have no idea how to comfort you.
I had a similar story with my eldest. It all began when my then 18 year old son began going to raves. I initially found an empty baggie in his pocket, which i believe once contained MDMA when i was doing the washing. He was quick to blame it upon his friends. I sat him down and we agreed that it wouldn't happen again, but over the next few weeks he grew more and more careless, I don't even think he was bothering to try and hide it. I'd find baggies strewn across the floor, and he even began stealing money using my card, however i then found a pipe and suspected he had been using it for something stronger than cannabis. When i tried to confront him he told me that if i loved him i'd let him be free, and if he wanted to smoke crack it was his choice not mine. He stormed out of our house and has had minimal contact with us since. He occasionally asks us for money these days but i believe very little of what he says any more. He tore our family apart.
I don't want your story to have the same ending as mine Alice, so I'd suggest you pay off his debt directly to the dealer, along with a strongly worded letter explaining the turmoil he has caused you. At the very least make sure you educate your son on the dangers of using dirty needles.
There is support out there from others such as myself who will gladly share your pain, so don't lose hope. I'll make sure to say a prayer for your son tonight. Good luck alice.

Janet

Do you have other kids in the house?

I havent had a child who was a druggie but a sibling is. My advice would be to kick him out and have very little contact with him because he will cause you and the rest of the family nothing but grief. Also there is NO WAY id be paying off his debts because if he runs up another one the dealer will just come back to you for the money.

I'm sorry to hear this op

Does he want to give up? Honestly?

Remember the 3 'C's, you didnt cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

It's a bummer, I agree with the 3 C's. With any addiction we all know the person controlled by it has to admit to it. However cruel it may seem to say it, you must not be dragged down by it as well.

Yes I have a 14 year old DD, but she's as good as gold and we have talked about it etc. Kick him out? I don't think I can, where would he go? What would happen? I would feel too guilty.. But if this is the only way then maybe I have to.. Also I fear for DS's life or wellbeing if the debt isn't paid, this extra dichotomy only worsens the already abhorrent nature to this situation. He doesn't want to stop, he loves ket, it's his life and it's tearing me apart.
I think ill take him to rehab but he really does love ket and heroin - I hope he realises that it will ruin his life because the tunnel vision of young teenagers is their downfall.
Thanks for the help and thanks for praying for me - I need one.

Nothing to add - I have no experience of this but it's every parent's worse nightmare. Could you ring somewhere like FRANK for advice?

Get a lock on your bedroom door, your dds bedroom door and a safe.

I don't mean to alarm you but please put any precious jewellery in this safe asap. Your ds if he gets better will deeply regret what he's going to put you through and all you can do now is.protect yourself and your dd.

I wouldn't even bother with rehab until he himself has hit rock bottom and is sick of himself.

You will never win over heroin. It makes you need nothing else but it. It's like the biggest, warmest hug that you just want to keep feeling. The more you are worried for him and try to help him the more separated he will feel from you and heroin will be his family, best friend and lover in one.

For your daughters sake kick him out. Her life will suffer if he stays there. I am speaking from experience.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your son is choosing drugs over his family. Why would you choose him over the rest of your family. At this moment he doesnt want to stop taking drugs so i dont think rehab will work. It will be a waste of time and money.

My brother is a heroin addict of 15 years. Started at 18.

He has been to every rehab centre in the UK - all funded by my DF.

My parents have TRIED everything to get him clean. He is the walking dead & it breaks us all every day, all day - still after 15 years.

None of us have turned our backs on him, however, I wonder IF this was the right path.

Had we shown a bit more tough love would this of kicked him into sorting himself out. Who knows.

He is your son.

I don't know why I'm posting this really, it's not very positive.

But, I couldn't read & not respond.

It's heartbreaking.

Good Luck OP .... You will find strength you never knew you had, maybe contact support groups for YOU, so you are armed with as much info as possible.

Sadly my DB has lost everything, he has nothing (other than his close family) he doesn't have a vein left in his body. My DF has paid drug dealers off, DB has stolen more from us than you can ever imagine. He has been in prison, he has 36 convictions, he doesn't care as Heroin has & will always come first.

I HOPE & wish you all the best that this turns out ok

Thank you all for your help - it is really appreciated and is helping me through this time of war. Currently he is upstairs in his room, and I think that I will just go to sleep and let it go until tomorrow when we have a serious choice. I can here the rings of his cry 'I love ket' and it's making me feel that tough love is the only way to go.
Me and DH will talk to him tomorrow - but I fear for where he will go? The cold streets? He has exclaimed the drug dealer doesn't know our address which is good, but I don't want to let him out for a while. DS knows he has done wrong, and is terribly upset and morose, but he doesn't want to give up - thanks again for all the advice you guys are truly amazing. I keep reminding myself of the 3 c's, I can't cure ket? I can't control ket? Or can i.. I hope there is another way around this.

I agree with all what brandnew said too.

Heroin comes above all. All my Mums jewellery was sold, my car was stolen, my grandmothers phone, credit cards ....

Believe me ... Heroin takes over EVERYTHING

He is probably only upset because you found out and he thinks that you will try and stop him doing what he wants. He doesnt care about you or anyone else.

Tough love is the only way to go. If something bad happens to him if will be his own fault. If he was mine he would be quite frankly told that he either gets clean or gets out of my house.

Addiction is a long path to come back from. He needs to hit rock bottom first and he won't do that whilst being looked after at home. I'm so sorry, it's not good news, you are all in for a lot heartache

No offence reboot but unless you've had hands on experience of a drug addict living under your roof & it's your own child it's extremely difficult for a parent to just do tough love (I do agree with you as this is something my family have never done) 15 years on & we are in the same hell

How difficult for you
It might be the best thing to do but like you I don't think I could kick my child out, yet anyway. Would he agree to see a doctor for help? He may not want to stop but maybe an ultimatum is needed , you don't want your DD around the mess heroin causes. So maybe offer your full support if he agrees to at least make efforts to stop. Bit harsh but I'd consider calling the police and telling him you will if it's under your roof again. Good luck op.

Have been there with my eldest..... One Christmas his younger siblings Christmas presents had gone by boxing day. Anything that was not screwed down disappeared. House trashed when I refused to give him money.....
I have younger kids, he had to go, he was nearly 17, lived in the streets. He did need to hit rock bottom. I remember one situation where I had to pass him in the streets when he was out of it.
I did try to meet him in cafes in town and buy him food. However there was no way I would have left him unsupervised in my home or with the younger children.
His was a "milder" addiction, legal highs were starting at the time.
We were lucky, he is still alive and reasonably clean. A lot of his friends did die.
He eventually came off it himself but it had to be his decision.
Whatever you do to "help" will only facilitate him to go on.

Drugfam charity can offer you support as the family of a person with a drug problem.

You can get support but please don't abandon him. I have a sibling who is a heroin addict, as a family we have been to hell and back but never, not in the darkest moments would we have turned our backs. He needs you. Drug addiction an illness. Supporting your son is not a weakness. There is help and support available for you, it varies from area to area. Might be good to chat to some other mums in the same situation. Good luck op, please feel free to message me if you need any advice or someone non judgemental to chat to.

Spot on Nelly. Am in the exact same position still. 15 years in

Sorry to hear this OP. I used to work at a drug service. This is going to be blunt advice as have ill child but didn't want to read and run.

He's only two months in. The prognosis isn't so bad. Get him to a local drug service ASAP. They will assess him and offer him options re treatment. NB for him to get access to clean needles, get him screened for blood borne viruses if he's injecting, get taught about safe injecting practises. NB for you to get some injectable naloxone to take home and get taught how to use it if he takes too much. Agree with other pp re support for you and security measures.

Many services have dedicated first episode services and for young people and they can do well. It does take time though. Your support will be invaluable.

My brother is a heroin addict. He had been using for about 6 years when he got found out, i believe he wanted to be caught and get help, he did start taking methodone but he still uses and is still an addict. It really is the most evil thing in the world, my brother is an addict and that's all he is, it defines him completely, the person he was is gone.
My mother is in denial, so nothing has really been done and I'm waiting for the phone call to tell me he's dead, there have been times that I've wished that call would come sooner than later so I can stop worrying and hating what he's done and feeling guilty about it.
Sorry to hijack op, it really is a nightmare situation. If he doesn't want to stop he won't but get him to the doctors and referred to other services at least for a check up, HIV and hepatitis tests.
As another poster has said if he won't stop you will need a safe and locks. Also don't believe a word he says to you.

The problem with forcing him to the Dr's and drug advice services is that he will resent you and turn even more inwards and look to heroin to fulfil his emotional needs even more.

I don't know how your finances are or relations you have but sending him to your sisters in Australia or even the countryside could help.

A change of scene and a different routine. Is he using heroin everyday? It only takes 3/4 days of continuous use to have physical withdrawal effects. If he'd just using it as a come down from other drugs every few days or so a different scene could really help. A months holiday somewhere if you could afford it would be ideal also.

He is clearly lying...

He's only been using for two months but it was the cause of him failing his AS's that were 6 months ago? It doesnt add up does it.

OP, I have no advise other than to tell you that you mustn't blame yourself. It happens to all sorts of families.

Whatever happens you must always put your DD and you and your DH first. Support him by all means but make sure you always look after yourself.

I don't know if any of this will help but I have experienced some of what you are going through

Addiction is an illness. There may be an underlying reason why he's using. Not only does the addiction need to be dealt with but also the reason why.

Drugs promise freedom, happiness etc but the reality is they trap you and eventually make you miserable as you become a shell of who you once were and then you're still left with the initial problem that was the reason you started using (as well as a lot more).

We did tough love, not allowed at our home whilst under the influence of drugs and or alcohol but that was late on in the journey (my advice is give him a date to be clean and if he's not boot him out). Hard I know but your family will be torn apart whether he stays or goes.

You are in for a lot of pain and heartache. As others have said look after yourself.

Explain to him that you still love him but can't have him under your roof whilst he's using as its illegal etc etc. Tell him he's welcome anytime if he's clean. Maintain contact, be consistent, support him how you can but don't "enable" or "facilitate" his addiction.

I wish you all the luck in the world.