Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

Thanks. She just came down to have something to eat despite being warned at 9 to get something 🙄 I don't want life to be so bloody negative but I just can't sit back and allow a room in my house and stuff that's cost us money, to be destroyed by her total laziness.

Yes, well hopefully she'll think twice in future. I know the feeling though - bloody mascara and foundation all over the carpet and quilt cover. Oh joy.

Much sympathy from me Ledkr. Mine is the same. Every time I go into her room and find make up, or drinks or whatever in the carpet I confiscate it. She lives like a slob, in squalor. I asked for washing yesterday. She said she didn't have any, cos she couldn't be fucking bothered to pick it up off the floor, plus it was all mixed in with the clean stuff. I said you do have dirty washing cos I can smell it. I can always smell her dirty washing. I don't get how she can spend hours getting ready then go out in dirty clothes and with furry teeth.

Stick to your guns anyway. Phone removal works a treat in my house, only thing that does.

You must detatch from this being posing as your daughter. She will come back eventually.

I also spent today cleaning teen's room. Filthy, messy, depressing. Things I had bought him - trashed. Money I have spent on books, tutoring, things for school-work to help him because he was struggling- wasted. He doesn't care.

He was throughout rude, aggressive, sneery, thought it was funny that I was wasting my time and my money and that I was upset and angry.

I just don't get it. He has no idea. I wish I could send him away for a while, I really do. Somewhere where they would just do the job for me, where they had the power to put sanctions in place and the resources to inspire him. It is such a waste!

Ledkr

My dd is only 12 and I know not a teen yet, but she is very similar to lots of the comments on here. Puberty came very early so have had the hormonal mood swings for a few years now.
At one point it was unbearable, but now it's so easy because when we do see her we don't want a battle.
I went upstairs and from wednesday she has trashed her room, it was perfect for her to come home to I think it lasted one night before the food wrappers and bottles emerged.
Then books, music, nail varnish and mascara on the carpet.
Dirty underwear, sanitary towels etc, she too is disgusting.
Tomorrow though she will clean it perfectly, she never used to do this at all and nothing would work.
I don't know the answer, with dd it was having to be tidier as she shares a dorm, but I'm told they are all pretty similar in just dumping things.
At least your dd is normal, I think our expectations might be too high

Sympathy from me too. It's horrible when they show such disrespect for property. Why are they such pigs. I go into DDs room and she has the newest carpet in the house and it is covered in black marks which won't come off (mascara perhaps) and all over the room are mugs filled with cold tea. Tea bags are randomly placed on the table or shelf. Empty crisp packets fucking everywhere. Her desk which DH carefully sanded down and painted is totally wrecked. Make up wipes are strewn around the floor with dirty clothes. Her phone screen is smashed for the second time in a year. I refused to deal with the insurance this time. DHs turn. I just can't stand any more.

Oh my goodness. I cannot believe how many f them Are like it.
I'm sure experts would say leave it and my mates say the same but it's my fucking home, I worked my tits off to keep it after exh abandoned me with four kids.
It's all I have in the wod and one day Id like to sell it so I feel it's only right I keep it reasonably maintained!
It's not just meds, it's filth and destruction, stained floors, walls and bedding. Lost and broken stuff that people have bought her.
It does impact on every one.
I was watching dd2 swimmkng today, beaming smile, full of affection and loves to please us. I just beam when she's around. I can barely believe she will one day be as horrific as this hideous creature I have living with me now!

And I do feel ashamed when she has her friends in, despite them probably living the same way, I just can't help it.

So glad I have found this thread. As a mother of DS age 15 I can so relate.

Me too.

It's doing terrible damage to my family, as I and my DD have rows, irritate each other, but understand each other and have always kept communication going. She dislikes her DF (my DP) and lets him know it and as he is a conflict avoider, he just backs off from her.

But my DS! A whole other story. DP never ever asks DS to do anything that DS doesn't want to do, in case it upsets DS, leaving me to the 'baddie', who actually says things like, 'Master Frolic, could you bring your dirty washing down' or 'Master Frolic, have you homework over half term?'

And when I do say these appalling, bullying, unacceptable things - caboooom! DS looks at me with utter contempt and hatred. Last night he said to me that when he leaves home (dear god, yes please) he'll never talk to me or have anything to do with me ever again, and the one thing he's happy about is that I'm too stupid to realise how guilty I should be feeling!!! And storms out of the house.

So my DP and I end up having a massive row.

It's just a vile way to live

A little more optimistically, DD (17) was away on a school trip last week and I dug out her room. She isn't as bad as some on here, but she never vacuums or dusts, and tends to strew clothes on a futon. (A couple of years ago I did tell her that if she cleaned her basin rather than letting it get like one in a backpackers hostel in a third-world country she would have fewer spots ). Anyhow, I expected her to go apeshit about me touching her things, but she actually appreciated it and said thank you . I think that she didn't know quite where to start.

I do remember something going a bit mouldy at the bottom of her bin once and she brought the bin downstairs and said in a plaintive, helpless way, "Make it go away." Just very occasionally they realise that they don't know everything.

When do rude stroppy teenagers become nice adults who can engage in conversation without being offensive, rude and flouncing off in a huge strop?
It is getting me down today. Any uplifting words of wisdom or jokes to cheer me up?

I'm not sure of the moody teenager finishing, although I seem to remember with ds1 and 2 it was about GCSE time, they found no time for being stroppy

I'm not sure with girls as dd not there yet.
It does get better though, hang in there.

Just a suggestion and don't mean to sound smug but dd seems cured, maybe the answer is boarding school. She was up with the lark 6.30 this morning and when I got up at 8.30 her room was perfect.
I gave her praise and told her how well she'd done and she was quite confused that I'd suggest she'd put up with such a mess

I'm sure it's the fact they have inspection, get bad marks, lose house points etc.
Looking back it was horrendous, all the fighting, bad vibe in the house, it wasn't worth it. At the time though I'd try anything to get her to do it, now I realise it was a waste of time and they have to see it for themselves.

Maybe boot camp, guides, scouts, DoE award or something may help if boarding school isn't for you. I'm sure it's not letting others down that made her see it.
Sometimes she'll Skype and I can see the mess that all 3 girls have made, but next day it's perfect, or they are tidying as she is speaking to me.

Newlife different experience here. GCSE time was when most of the issues with dd began. She decided that this was the time to concentrate on her social life!

Not sure how old your dd is but mine is 17 and there is no way she would get involved with DofE etc. Not cool enough for her.

Oh how I would have loved to ship her off to boarding school . I'm pleased it has worked out well for you though.

I read all of this thread last night - It made my stomach churn,, brought tears to my eyes but most of all brought me a sense of relief that I am not alone.

My DD2 (15 last month) is like many of yours - rude, entitled, disorganised, unmotivated, angry and perpetually dissatisfied. I didn't go through any of this with DD1 which has left me totally unprepared for the onslaught of DD2

She often has my in tears of frustration and pure sadness that my household has turned out like this.

Thank you for documenting what you are all going through - it helps a great deal.

Stumbled upon this by chance and am massively looking forward to reading through the posts. A cursory glance was enough to comfort. I need a whole evening to myself, a bottle of wine and the time to start at the very beginning. With a sometimes stroppy, sometimes loving, sometimes demanding, sometimes just a bloody-minded buggery fucking hormonal 16-yo DD, believe me, I need all the reassurances I can get. Thanks. I'll be back......

wardrobe

My dd is only 12, but our older dc 2 men now were terrible until GCSE, but never as bad as dd was
I think the mess is worse with girls as you get the make up and wipes etc.
Th lads were more embarrassed at using cleanser for spots so the cotton wool went in the bin immediately. With them it was dirty sports kit, clothes and was more smelly.
With dd it was just mess. She hates me atm I have ruined her life and she can't be seen in public ever again. She is in her bedroom breaking her heart because I took her to the hairdressers and made her have a fringe.
She had a style she didn't take care of and teachers had noticed/commented on it, she refuses to use clips so now has a fringe. She hates me

The DofE was just a suggestion as I'm convinced a way through is that regimented inspection, forfeits for the group, letting the side down etc.

We haven't done a long summer holiday yet, so watch this space I may be back.
I don't think she would have improved at all if still at home and remember the constant battles, and the strain on family.

Walking on egg shells again tonight. Dd really tired and went into school late today as couldn't get up. She is supposedly doing homework now but on her bloody phone involved in the latest drama.. Just about to remove it but oh god the fireworks

Does anyone feel like they are constantly nagging?
We are trying to check her room daily and make her pick up her rubbish (that she just throws on the fkoor) abd take down the cups and plates (that she's not allowed in there)
So as well as trying to have a reasonable conversation about her options and get her off her phone to go to bed it just feels like nag nag nah which is not what I want really.

Anyone else's children have obsessive relationships? DD is on the phone to her boyfriend from the minute she's up till I remove her phone before bed , it's driving me mad. I don't feel like she's part of this family anymore she just sleeps and eats here, trying to have a chat is like blood from a stone.

Mines just generally like that with her phone bf or not!

Can I canvass how many of you take phones at bedtime?
Dd just can't go to sleep if she has hers but I do feel a bit controlling at times and wish I could trust her more
I've tried leaving it at weekends but she wil be fully dressed, on face time at 3/4 am!

Hi all

My DD is 18 and has been nasty since she was 13, so I have had over five years of it so far.

Everything I do is wrong/embarrassing/pathetic.

She never has a nice word to say. If I call her I get a very angry "HALLO!!" as if she can't quite believe I have had the audacity to call her and my call is just the most ridiculous thing she can imagine.

She has that dreadful entitlement thing as well. She genuinely seems to think I should be buying her designer handbags, ferrying her all over the city ( we live in a city that has as many buses as cars) and basically treating her like a princess.

She never says she loves me or shows me any affection. I am just this hated, objectionable person that she has to keep vaguely onside in case I throw her out, which would be inconvenient for her access to college. She tells me she cannot wait to move out when she finally goes to uni in September and I bloody cannot wait either.

I would love to think she will move out and suddenly have this epiphany of what a selfish fucking bitch she has been but I don't think it's likely.

Ds is 15 and an absolute dream.......

I used to trust DD to keep hers I stupidly trusted her till I heard her talking on three occasions at 3am when I got up for toilet plus her Facebook would say "active 3 hours ago" at 6. This was after numerous warnings , It now goes at 10.30 to be charged in hallway she still tries every night to beg for longer. DD drives everyone mad with her phone she is ALWAYS on it I sometimes hope it breaks so we have her back for the day or two it takes to get fixed!

I leave it on weekends/ half terms!