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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Some help please.

85 replies

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 13:54

My son is 19 and has two children (another one of the way) I got a phone call from his children's mother a few nights back, she was very upset she told me that he is always horrible to her and has given her an STI I am furious because I didn't raise him to be like this.

I called her this morning just to check if she was ok, she has told me that he can't see the children unless it is in a contact centre and supervised, I don't understand why she is going to make the children suffer.

Yesterday he come home and told me that another girl is pregnant by him, but he has been living with his children's mother, I didn't question him because I didn't know exactly where to start, how do I go about getting answers?

OP posts:

coffeeisnectar · 05/11/2015 14:00

She's not making the children suffer, she's trying to protect them from a father who is verbally abusive.

Quite honestly I think your sons behaviour is awful and irresponsible. I'd suggest you ensuring a good on going relationship with the children's mum if you want to remain part of their lives.

As for getting answers, I'm not sure what else you need to know. He's cheated, got someone else pregnant, has given his partner an STI and is abusive.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 14:05

Coffee I still think that is unfair I will ask her if the boys can come and stay over at mine on weekends, but I think she'll refuse. I know my sons behaviour is awful I won't stick up for him, but I do need to speak to him as there is another little life coming into the world.

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summerwinterton · 05/11/2015 14:07

She is protecting her children from him by the sounds of things.

Why doesn't he practise safe sex? Seems bizarre and so irresponsible.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 14:11

The boys adore him, I just don't think it is fair. And in answer to your question I wish I knew, I guess he is just careless.

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Roussette · 05/11/2015 14:18

In the words of Jeremy Kyle "why doesn't he put something on the end of it??"

19 years old with 2 children and 2 more on the way? "Just careless" is rather an understatement isn't it??

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 14:22

Sorry I should have made myself clearer, it's not two it's one from the other girl. I want to know why he is abusive to the children's mother (she's a lovely girl) and I also want information on the other girl.

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coffeeisnectar · 05/11/2015 15:00

She is still trying to facilitate a relationship between the children and their dad but she probably wants to a) avoid being alone with him and opening herself up to more abusive behaviour and b) prevent him from verbally abusing the children, badmouthing her to the children or stop him from not bringing them back.

You don't know what's gone on. My ex is a nasty piece of work and his parents think "he can't be that bad" and that's why I will never trust them with my kids as he's not allowed near them but they would allow it.

summerwinterton · 05/11/2015 15:06

If he is abusive why should he see the children unsupervised? And if he is abusing their mother - well if he carries on like this he could end up with a criminal record.

VikingVolva · 05/11/2015 15:19

Where is he living now?

Because although you don't say explicitly, it sounds as if she has told him to leave and so he could be anywhere. It's unlikely that he'll have anywhere to go, other than back to you or sofa surfing with friends. If the latter, then requesting contact in a contact centre seems pretty sensible, at least until he gets a new place suitable for the DC to stay over and the immediate fall out settles.

She's not stopping him seeing them, and is being prudent in ensuring that (in the early volatile days at least) it happens in controlled circumstances.

You didn't know that he was capable of cheating, and can't know what he was like as a live-in partner. She may well have extremely good reasons to be concerned about her DC's welfare at this stage. Only time, and responsible behaviour, will ease her current concerns.

And although I can see what you say 'it's not fair' to the DC, the person who has caused all this is your DS. And the best thing you can do is get him to step up and see if he can retrieve anything of the role of a decent father (might be long haul, depending on what the DC have witnessed) even if he cannot be an adequate partner.

It's good that you are still on speaking terms with their mother. If you want to stay in your DGC's lives, then co-operate with her and see them in her terms. Time and trustworthiness over arrangements may well ease contact arrangements.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 15:43

Summer he is not a danger to the boys but I do understand what you're saying. Viking he was at home yesterday but he never slept here, I have no idea where he stayed, he thinks he is a grown man and that I shouldn't ask him questions.

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summerwinterton · 05/11/2015 15:47

How do you know he is no danger? You said he is horrible to her, so he could be horrible to them too. And he doesn't seem to treat you with much respect either tbh.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 15:59

Summer I highly doubt that he isn't abusive to the boys, they are 2 & 4 but I don't know if he is doing it infront of them either. I didn't raise him like this I also want to know why he is doing it.

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patterkiller · 05/11/2015 16:03

What do you expect her to do?wave her children off with an abusive homeless man? Honestly would you have done that when your DS was two years old?

patterkiller · 05/11/2015 16:08

And really why is this in teenagers? Surely you don't see this as a teenage problem. He is very much an adult.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 16:19

Patter he isn't homeless he has a home here but doesn't choose to sleep here, and if DSs father was abusive to me he wouldn't be seeing the kids at all, I placed it in teenagers because he is still a teen, ok can you tell me where to place it and I will.

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AskBasil · 05/11/2015 16:53

Well your DS sounds like a very unreliable and unstable person.

If you want to do good, then the best thing you can do is prioritise the welfare of your grandchildren.

That means facing up to the fact that your DS is a shit father. Sorry, but he is: abusing their mother, is an abuse of them. You need to recognise that he doesn't have rights here, only they do: and they have the right not to be emotionally abused by their father, they have the right to have regular, meaningful contact with him and their mother obviously suspects that he's going to be one of those deadbeats who turns up at contact as and when he likes and regularly lets his kids down. So what she's doing here, is trying to pre-empt that and impose some kind of regular, ordered, commitment about his contact.

Given that he has shown himself to be utterly uncommitted to his children (being abusive to their mother, conceiving a child with another woman to with whom he has no commitment), she is very sensible to try and impose some control, because let's face it, his track record is shit, isn't it? She has the right to protect her children from the flakiness of your son. And a good mother and grandmother, would support her in that. Because you won't be doing your son any favours by validating his shit behaviour and bleating about her unfairness. She's not being unfair. She's putting her children's welfare first. The fact that they adore him is not an argument for unsupervised, chaotic contact - all kids adore their parents, even those who are being horribly abused by them.

I'm sorry you're in this position because it's piggy in the middle and you have the thankless task of prioritising the desires of your adult son or the needs of your grandchildren and I'm afraid it looks as though there is no compromise between one or the other. But if you want a long term good relationship with everyone, the right thing to do, is to support the mother of your grandchildren, even if in the short term, that pisses off your DS. When he's older, he'll understand and be grateful to you for that. Keep the door open there and think of the future. It's very tough. But you have very little power in this situation and you should do the right thing for the long term, not the short.

Good luck.

Fiona4545 · 05/11/2015 17:01

Oh dear. I think either a) she's protecting her children from someone who's verbally abusive or b) she's incredibly hurt by his disgusting behaviour and is saying this to hurt him. You are very restrained not saying anything to him pretty horrific way to treat the mother of his children.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 17:16

AskBasil I know for sure he wouldn't turn up to a contact centre, and I know he is going to react very badly when he finds out, but he has brought this on himself, I split with my children's father 9 years ago and not once did they see their father be abusive to me, I am disgusted at the way he is behaving I am a woman myself and I don't like any form of abuse.

Fiona I think B. I don't really know how to speak to him and I doubt he will listen to me, to be honest from a child he has never listened to me, I've never really had any control over him, and he doesn't speak to his father so I can't ask him to step in.

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Fiona4545 · 05/11/2015 17:20

Has he not mentioned it all to you?

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 17:22

He only told me that the other girl is pregnant

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summerwinterton · 05/11/2015 17:36

A contact centre may be the only way he can see his children.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 17:54

He has just come home, I'll update when I can.

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Fiona4545 · 05/11/2015 18:25

Good luck!

Nonnainglese · 05/11/2015 18:36

He's 19 with a 4 and a 2 year old plus another on the way? And he's given the mother of your two DGCs an STI.

Careless doesn't begin to describe him.

Very best of luck!

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 19:00

Managed to speak to him, he said she is lying about the STI because he'd know if he had it. And that he isn't abusive and that she's attention seeking because he doesn't want to be with her, when I asked him about the other girl he said there's nothing to say.

And I wrong for believing his children's mother over him? She hasn't got no reason to lie.

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