Some help please.

[LoveYouDarling]

My son is 19 and has two children (another one of the way) I got a phone call from his children's mother a few nights back, she was very upset she told me that he is always horrible to her and has given her an STI I am furious because I didn't raise him to be like this.

I called her this morning just to check if she was ok, she has told me that he can't see the children unless it is in a contact centre and supervised, I don't understand why she is going to make the children suffer.

Yesterday he come home and told me that another girl is pregnant by him, but he has been living with his children's mother, I didn't question him because I didn't know exactly where to start, how do I go about getting answers?

OP I'm not being horrible. I'm being realistic. I was in this position 20 years ago (mother of small child). I had no problem with my exMil other than her complete denial about her son's faults. Ultimately it led to her not seeing DD for 10 years because I couldn't trust her to protect my child. It took her 10 years to wake up to the reality of her feckless son. Her biggest regret is that she allowed her blindness to him to come between her and DD. She's now a changed woman and protecting DD and their relationship from him is her priority now. I'm trying to help you.

So why post then? Do you want everyone to tell you your son is a fabulous father, what a terrible situation he's found himself in, poor poppet, and you're totally doing the right thing in sorting everything out for him even if that means deceiving your grandchildrens' mother?

Honestly OP, people are giving you this advice because they've seen this over and over again.

You're in a terrible position, everyone recognises that.

But you will not get what you want (a happy relationship with your grandchildren) if you do the wrong thing at this point.

Killing the trust of the mother of your grandchildren, would be the wrong thing to do.

You don't have to listen to anyone here, you can respond defensively and get angry when we point out the bleedin obvious (that he's incapable of being a father) and start blaming the women he's involved with, for his behaviour. But you are not the one with the power here, the mother of your grandchildren is. And if you throw away her trust, you may find that long term, you won't be having a relationship with her children. It doesn't sound like your DS will fight to have a relationship with them and if he doesn't, you won't, unless you have a relationship with their mother, which is independent of your relationship with your son.

It sounds like at present, you do have a relationship with her that isn't dependent on him. You can choose to throw that away if you want, but it's the only card you hold. It's not in your interests to throw it away.

I have no doubt you want to support your son OP. However, your support means that you overlook his faults. You enable him to hang around the house on a weekend whilst you bear the brunt of childcare for two LOs. What does he do to make anything happen? Is he trying to make amends for his appalling behaviour with his (ex)P?

How hard does he try to make amends for abusing the mother of his kids, for getting another woman pregnant, for inflicting an STI on the mother of his children?

I can imagine exactly what you are thinking you've said it. "Phew. I've managed to talk her round, I can have the kids at the weekend, DS can see them, everything will be OK, he won't kick off now". This is a sticking plaster solution to an immense problem, your son is out of control. Is he grateful to you? Is he thanking you from the bottom of his heart for mediating between him and the mother of his kids? Is he offering to do lots every weekend to make this happen? Or will the kids be dumped with you whilst he goes off with the next woman he's made pregnant.

And I don't understand why you think my son is going to go around impregnating women.

Er, maybe because he has 2 children and another on the way and his is only 19

OP. I think you're getting some harsh responses here but perhaps because others have been in this situation from the GF position but not yours.

He is your son. You love him. But you admit you have no control over him and haven't for years.

That's an awful thing for a mother to feel and to admit. You say you don't know why he is like this as your other children are different. Some angry and as a consequence; abusive men occur with no idea where it stems from but often there is something in their childhood or adolescence that triggered it. That's not to say someone else or something happened and there the fault lies - it's not about apportioning blame, it's about understanding.

But right now, you're falling into the trap of saying he loves his kids, does things with them and therefore is a good Dad. I worked with abusive men for a long time and I heard it all the time from GFs, wives and Mums.

Only the most extreme personality doesn't love their kids. On the whole, most people do. And a lot of abusive men wouldn't physically hurt their kids. And their DPs and their Mums say 'they'd never hurt a hair on their head' and 'oh the DC love their Dad so much, he snuggles up watching DVDs with them, plays football etc'.

There's more to being a Dad than that. And you can love your kids but if you're hurting (emotionally or physically) their Mum whether in front of them or not then they will know. And that's not being a great Dad.

Step back. Stop rescuing him. Keep your GC safe but realise that your son hurts people he's supposed to love (including you).

What does his father say about all this?

Op I encouraged my ex mil to have a relationship with her grandsons, separate to that of her son. She was welcome to my house, I fed her, I did e dry thing I could for her to do that independently of what was happening with my ex. She chose to support him. All the time. She became his flying monkey and would only call when the dc wouldn't talk to him. She'd defend his awful behaviou. They don't trust her. I don't trust her. She has no relationship with them

Listen to what people are telling you. You need to play the long game. For the relationship You want with them

You need to play the long game. For the relationship You want with them

^^ This.

You are enabling your DS to act like he is.

Good God. I'm so pleased I am not part of your family. It sounds shocking. Poor bloody kids.