Some help please.

[LoveYouDarling]

My son is 19 and has two children (another one of the way) I got a phone call from his children's mother a few nights back, she was very upset she told me that he is always horrible to her and has given her an STI I am furious because I didn't raise him to be like this.

I called her this morning just to check if she was ok, she has told me that he can't see the children unless it is in a contact centre and supervised, I don't understand why she is going to make the children suffer.

Yesterday he come home and told me that another girl is pregnant by him, but he has been living with his children's mother, I didn't question him because I didn't know exactly where to start, how do I go about getting answers?

You sound like my ex mil. And she never sees her gc now because I can't trust her. You sound very naive and a bit wet. Sorry but if I was you dil I wouldn't let you have the kids either. You are putting your abusive son above the needs of two very small kids.

Oh and she has agreed to let me have the kids but I must be in the house at all times, I knew I could reason with her :)

You just did!

That's good if you are there you'll be in a position to see more how he interacts with them. It might be tricky when new brother or sister arrives but he needs to take responsibility for that he is an adult and you can only help so much.

Loveyoudarling that is very rude. I'm sorry but you do sound incredibly naive as far as your son is concerned. You are enabling his behaviour - he buggers up and you sort it all out for him seems to be the way of it and maybe that's why he is acting like an irresponsible feckless idiot. What effort is he putting in? Nowt I can see, he just buggers off to the other women he sleeps with and has got pregnant.

So you have talked the mum round to letting your son see the DCs at your house? Does she actually realise that he will be seeing them on a weekend albeit with you there?

I think it is naive to believe that a man who can be abusive to his mum and his partner would always be patient and kind to two demanding small children. 2 and 4 year olds are very challenging, and even wise, experienced, loving parents will struggle at times. I certainly wouldn't particularly trust a man with your son's history to take care of small children.

Rousette she has agreed to let the boys stay over at mine on weekends and she knows that my son will be present, I knew she'd come round.

What my son does in his spare time is up to him, if he wants to go and get other girls pregnant what say do I have in that, he is 19 I have already said I have no control over him, he does what he likes.

Ciara if he needs help with the boys whilst they are here I will help him, my son is not an animal he isn't a danger to his sons and he can be left alone with them.

So you're proud you've talked her round to this. Yes he is 19, and he should be standing on his own two feet but you are his safety net, smoothing out his problems, enabling him to see his DCs despite being abusive to their mother and to you. I would not be rolling over and devoting my self to a son who abused me or the mother of his children, and who lied and cheated too.

What responsibility does your son take? What does he do to try and mend this situation? Last I heard he just went off with the other woman for a night. In one breath you say he doesn't lift a finger, then you say he does lots with the kids, which is it?

If the mother only wanted contact with your son supervised in a contact centre there is a reason. Yet you keep saying he isn't a danger to his sons. He has a short temper and as a PP said, his patience would be worn thin with two little ones. Yet, you can see no wrong and are now happy that you have talked round the Mum. One minute you are saying he can be left alone with his sons as he can be trusted, then next you say you have promised to the Mum to be there at all times with them. Which is it?

Wouldn't say I am proud but glad she isn't going to go through the courts. He isn't taking any responsibility to be honest with you I don't really think he cares. I said he doesn't lift a finger when they are here, when he was living with their mother he did so a lot as she worked part time. I promised the mother that I will be there all the time just to give her a peace of mind, if she really thought he was a danger to the kids she wouldn't have went and had another child with him, or stayed for so long and she would probably take him back.

OP, I am sure you will help, and I am not saying your son is a danger to his children if he is taking care of the boys with you nearby and not for long hours. I was just responding to your belief that he would never do them any harm: "he is very good with the boys would never abuse them physically or verbally".

If this were my son, I would be concerned about his anger management around small children because they can be difficult, as we all know!

By the way, you say "he is not an animal he isn't a danger to his sons". I am pretty sure that humans males are a greater danger to their own young children than almost any other mammal.

Ciara he isn't your son so you really don't need to worry :)

Op I trusted my ex mil to 'supervise' contact. I thought that it was obvious to her that meant she was meant to be there when my ex had the dc. She let him take them out and he was awful to them, and was then surprised when I told her it wouldn't happen again.
If you've talked her round by saying you will supervise, then you are in fact responsible for them. You can't just help him. In my mind and I would expect hers, the children are in YOUR care with him seeing them

"I know for sure my son isn't going to want to see them in a contact centre."

So you know for sure, that your son doesn't love his children enough to see them if the circumstances aren't exactly right for him?

Why the hell should he have any contact at all with them then?

He's not fit to be a father if he wouldn't agree to see them in a contact centre if that's what it took to see them. And you are enabling his shit parenting and you'll end up alienating their mother.

You've started to minimise his abusiveness and claim that he can't be that bad and she'd have him back, to justify the wrong you are doing by enabling him. Her behaviour isn't the issue here, his is. He simply shouldn't have any unsupervised contact until he shows he gives enough of a shit about his kids to see them in circumstances he wouldn't choose.

What are you going to do when his new woman finds out he's a twat and throws him out? You going to have her baby round as well? And the next woman and the one after that? At what stage are you going to put the welfare of your grandchildren above your own selfish wish to play happy families with a son who is incapable of being a father?

I know for sure my son isn't going to want to see them in a contact centre

Wow. What a total Jeremy Kyle style scumbag. 19, 2 children, 2 more on the way with different women, abisive to the mother of his children, can't even bother himself enough to see his children if he has to inconvenience himself.

I can not believe you are enabling his terrible bahavioir. You better make sure you protect your GC and do actually supervise them and your son at all time.

AskBasil my son loves his boys you aren't anyone to tell me otherwise, you don't know him; he will have access to them when they come and stay over here.

I don't know the other girl and I don't know how he treats her, she must think something of him if she slept with him unprotected and is keeping the baby? I don't know she could just be keeping the baby so she can hold on to him.. I am not in their relationship or a fly on the wall so I will never know unless he tells me.

And I don't understand why you think my son is going to go around impregnating women.. I am not being selfish I just don't want her getting the courts involved.

he isn't a danger to his sons and he can be left alone with them.

Are you intending to stand by your promise to ensure you're with the kids all the time? Or did you just say that so she'd agree?

What will you do when he's annoyed at you and wants to assert his 'I can do what the hell I like' by going out and taking the kids with him?

Sorry OP but you're deluded. Your son does not love his boys. If he did he'd walk across broken glass to see them. But he won't see them at a contact centre and can't even be arsed to try and sort something out, leaving it to his mummy to do it for him.

"AskBasil my son loves his boys you aren't anyone to tell me otherwise, you don't know him"

I don't need to know him. You have stated very clearly, that he wouldn't see them in a contact centre if that was the only way he had of seeing them.

Parents who love their children, go through hell and high water to see them. But your son won't deign to go to a contact centre, because he doesn't want to. Because his kids aren't worth it.

Can you really not see what that means about the quality of his love for his children? Because everyone else on this thread can and you are in denial about it.

Ha ha PMSL that the new pg girl is trying to trap him with the baby. Even if that's true, then they would deserve each other because he sure as hell is this a good un.

If he was a decent human beating he would wear a fucking condom.

You sound completely blind to his faults.

hedgehogsdontbite no I won't be it will be weekend and I have other children to take care of, and you are also no one to tell me he doesn't love his kids, I find that very insulting, I am not in denial about anything, I always say the truth.

Whois what about her though? Why is the blame being put on my son for not wearing a condom, why wasn't she on the pill or why didn't she go and get the morning after pill? I don't know how long they have been seeing one another for. People are really starting to be horrible now.

The truth is that if you don't follow through on your promise to their mother then you will very quickly find yourself cut out of your grandchildren's permanently.

*cut out of your grandchildren's lives permanently

Hedgehog she is a nice decent girl, she wouldn't do that.. There you go again making assumptions.