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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Some help please.

85 replies

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 13:54

My son is 19 and has two children (another one of the way) I got a phone call from his children's mother a few nights back, she was very upset she told me that he is always horrible to her and has given her an STI I am furious because I didn't raise him to be like this.

I called her this morning just to check if she was ok, she has told me that he can't see the children unless it is in a contact centre and supervised, I don't understand why she is going to make the children suffer.

Yesterday he come home and told me that another girl is pregnant by him, but he has been living with his children's mother, I didn't question him because I didn't know exactly where to start, how do I go about getting answers?

OP posts:

Fiona4545 · 05/11/2015 19:11

Not wrong to believe her. depends on how honest he is generally but he may not want to admit his wrong doing or see his behaviour as acceptable.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 19:18

He is generally honest just don't see why she'd make it up, especially the STI

OP posts:

Roussette · 05/11/2015 19:21

Honest? I think not. You need to take your rose coloured spectacles off OP. He has got another girl pregnant whilst living with the mother of his 2 kids. Careless is a rather mild word I would have said...

TrojanWhore · 05/11/2015 19:24

"he said she is lying about the STI because he'd know if he had it"

Does he mean he's been tested?

Or did he miss SRE at school and therefore does not know that STIs are not necessarily symptomatic in all people?

DrewsWife · 05/11/2015 19:25

Her seeking a contact centre is a positive step. She isn't cutting all contact. She is ensuring that he sees the children. That's a very positive step. She is ensuring that her child is in a non confrontational situation. One where there are lots and lots of toys. So father and child can play without the child asking what is wrong with the situation.

At the beginning of a relationship breakdown of access often is the first to go.

As the child's mum she is being responsible.

He will need to apply for access set by the courts.

Your job is to be there for the children. To not interfere with what she is doing. This could cause your relationship with her to breakdown.

You can't say what happens when you aren't there. He might be lovely but he is likely a typical 19year old boy and is sharp and coarse.

(I am the mum of a 19 year old)

If he was with her and then had an affair then he needs to realise how wrong his actions are.

You are going to be Gran to two gorgeous bundles. You MUST remain neutral.

DrewsWife · 05/11/2015 19:29

Also want to say. If social services become involved (unsure if they are) then they will grill her to prove to them that she is safeguarding her children.

She won't be finding this easy. Take round some chocs. Have a cuppa with her and spend time with the kids.

Don't talk about anything. Just be there. That's all you can do.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 19:38

Roussette I am very disappointed in him, and he is normally honest about things. I am not sure whether she knows about the other girl or not, should j make her aware? Or do you think I should wait for him to tell her? Which he probably won't. TrojanWhore I don't think he has been tested as he has said that he would know if he had it, sometimes there are no symptoms I can't really tell him he needs to go and get tested. DrewsWife hopefully I can speak to her and make her change her mind about going through the courts I will go and visit her tomorrow and I hope to God she doesn't get social services involved.

OP posts:

Fiona4545 · 05/11/2015 20:19

She doesn't know . She deserved to know I'd give him a right bollocking (adult or not).

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 05/11/2015 20:37

Fiona I know she deserves to know, but it could break her.

OP posts:

AskBasil · 05/11/2015 21:21

If he definitely wouldn't turn up to a contact centre to see his own children, then he's not actually able to put their needs first, is he? Which means he's not functioning as a parent.

I think you know where your loyalties have to lie, OP. It must be very hard for you, this is your son, but you know he's not going to function as a decent father to your grandchildren at least in the short term. All the more need to support their Mum and be a good Gran.

I hope you're getting some RL support yourself.

Roussette · 05/11/2015 21:21

But why OP, can't you tell him to get tested? I'd be telling my DS to do that. I would not be pussyfooting around. If he's man enough to be the father of 3 children at 19 years old, he's man enough to hear a few home truths from his mother.

Not all STI's are visible. It's so easy nowadays to go off and get tested, you get the results by text in no time, there is absolutely no excuse. What if he does have an STI, who will he be passing it on to? Is it just this other girl he sleeps with or are there others? As fiona says I'd be giving him a right bollocking.

Honestly... he can't be that honest if you know he isn't going to fess up to the mother of his children.

Fiona4545 · 05/11/2015 21:37

Plus if he hasnt been tested the mother of his new baby no doubt has it. Many STDs can seriously affect unborn babies. I'm pretty sure if you were going to lie about something it probably wouldn't be an STD and not something you'd really want people to know.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 06/11/2015 07:05

He went out yesterday night and didn't return, I am going to text him and tell him he must get tested because the STI could affect the new born, and I've decided not to tell the children's mother about him getting the other girl pregnant.

OP posts:

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 06/11/2015 13:05

Hi just a quick update, I have spoken to the boys mother she has agreed to let me have them over at my house every weekend, so relieved that she isn't going to go through the courts, my son come back this morning tried to speak to him again but got nothing but abuse from him.

OP posts:

Roussette · 06/11/2015 15:10

So the two DGC's are coming to your house every weekend? Is this so that your charming DS can see them? Does the mother of the children know that? Or does she think you are just helping her?

If your DS is going to see them at your house, nothing has changed has it? Does he often subject you to a torrent of abuse? By you having them at your house, you are just enabling him to do exactly what he wants, aren't you. Do his DCs witness the sort of abuse you have just had directed at you?

What an awful mess and what sort of father is he, what sort of role model for his DCs... don't answer that, I think I already know

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 06/11/2015 15:35

Rousette Yes so he can see them, I'd like them to come around every weekend as I don't see them as much as I'd like to, I am not going to lie she probably thinks I'm helping her. To be honest he has been abusive from a young age and has always did what he wants, I can admit that I've never had any control over him, he got permantley excluded from his primary school and moved to a specialist school, he wanted to go to a mainstream secondary school he behaved well for the first year then started to play truancy then got permantley excluded.

His abuse to me isn't an every day thing and he will always come an apologise, he is very good with the boys would never abuse them physically or verbally.

I know this is a mess, my other two children are completely the opposite.

OP posts:

Roussette · 06/11/2015 15:44

I do think the mother of the children has a right to know that he is at your house seeing them. If she was talking about a contact centre, surely she doesn't want him round them without supervision? You can't go against that.

You say he is good with the boys and wouldn't abuse them physically or verbally, do you know this for a fact?

I'm sorry if I'm sounding so harsh. You just have to be upfront with the Mum, you cannot go behind her back. If you do, the chances of you seeing them become nil.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 06/11/2015 16:29

Rousette I'm sure she would already know that he'd be here as this is where he lives, he stayed out last night I can only assume he was at the other girls house.

I can honestly say that he wouldn't abuse them physically or verbally they are only 4 & 2.

Ok I will tell her that he will be here, and whilst they are here it will be me looking after them, when they've come over to stay before my son hasn't lifted a finger.

OP posts:

Roussette · 06/11/2015 17:12

Des he play with them? Does he interract with them? Does he make them a meal, take them to the park, read them a bedtime story?

It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 06/11/2015 17:34

Yes he does the only thing he doesn't do is cook them dinner, he is good with them.

OP posts:

VikingVolva · 06/11/2015 17:54

"I'm sure she would already know that he'd be here"

Don't work on assumptions, tell her.

And always remember no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. You know he's been abusive to you, you know the level of trouble he's been in at school. You do not know what happened between him and his ex, nor how far the DC have either been on the receiving end or have witnessed it (itself a form of abuse).

I know you want it to be true that they, perhaps uniquely in his life, have never seen his bad side. But you do not know this, and no matter how much you say it or try to will it to be the case, can you make it so.

It doesn't sound like he is remotely facing up to this. Maybe one day he will. But you can forge a relationship with your DGC that is completely separate form him. But if their mother thinks that you'll be seeing them when he is out, then discovers he was there, she might end that contact. That is why you must be completely transparent with her.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 06/11/2015 18:45

Not long ago called her, I told her and she said she doesn't want him seeing the boys unless in a contact centre "you don't know what he is like" that's what she said to me and also that the eldest swears at her and tells her to shut up, and she can't punish him for it because it's not his fault because that's what he hears, she ended the phone call saying she needs to think things over, so hopefully she'll change her mind.

OP posts:

Roussette · 06/11/2015 22:17

You cannot expect to have your DGC every weekend in order for your son to see them then, can you? She has stated she does NOT want him seeing them unless in a contact centre.

Original poster

LoveYouDarling · 07/11/2015 10:18

I wish I wouldn't have told her now, surely she would have known my son would be here. I'll speak to her again and hopefully she'll come round, because I know for sure my son isn't going to want to see them in a contact centre.

OP posts:

Fiona4545 · 07/11/2015 11:03

He obviously doesn't care so much if he wouldn't be willing to do that. I would def tell her but maybe reassure her that you will supervise contact.

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