Please come and talk to me, 13 year old dd

[abyssiniam8]

Just so that I don't dripfeed, dd just turned 13 two weeks ago. Lovely child, never a days problem with her. She does well at school, is popular, sporty etc. Since her birthday, she has changed quite a bit.

Little things really, but noticeable. Last week she wanted a Macdonalds burger after school. I said no as I didn't have time to go there, and really we don't eat Macdonalds all that often, so I was quite unusual for her to ask for one. The meltdown that took place when I said no was just ridiculous. It was not because she was starving hungry as when we got home (straight from school so she didn't even have to wait more than 10 minutes for something to eat) as I made her a sandwich and she didn't eat it.

She has also recently met with some kids from the area and they hang out at weekends. One of these is a boy who is 16. I think that he quite fancies her. He seems a nice kid, he has been to our house before as we do know his parents (not well, but to say hello and have a chat etc).

She is a fantastic dancer and for the next few weeks is dancing in competitions which she has worked hard for. She loves to dance and it is her thing, its not something I have pushed her to do, its is by choice.

So yesterday as practise I videoed her so that she can see and work on anything, quite a normal thing for us to do.

THis morning I got her phone to transfer the videos onto my computer so that she can see it on the bigger screen later today, this also is quite a normal thing for us to do. So imagine my shock this morning, when I go into her videos and last night at 11pm she and this boy have been sharing videos of themselves..... naked, him wanking and her lying in bed naked and touching herself.

I can honestly tell you that I am floored! I am so upset. I know some will say she is 13 and exploring herself etc etc, and its normal. But this isn't normal for her. She hasn't really had any interests in boyfriends until this. I then went on to read the whatsapp messages, and the things he is saying to her are just unbelievable. She is just a young girl, and its like he is grooming her. You are so beautiful, i love your eyes, your hair, you make me horny, show me your breasts etc etc. I am sitting here crying, I am just so incredibly upset right now.

I wasn't happy about her hanging around with the boy to be honest, he is quite a bit older (i have a son of 16 too so I do know what they are like), and although she has told me she hasn't seen him, its quite clear they have been in contact a lot on the phone.....

I don't have anyone to talk to this about, if I said anything dh, this will not end well. He is not a calm person (which I am moreso) and if he finds out I hate to think what he would do. It just better if he doesn't know quite frankly.

So I have now turned off her phone and put it away and I am going to remove her phone from her. I cannot even talk to her about this until much later today, as she is dancing in comp after school, so I really cant let anything show beforehand. The competition is very important to her.

Please can anyone just chat to me.

Gym, my dh went away for work the day after this happened. I couldn't talk to him about it that night, as he came home from work in a terrible mood and I just couldn't. I haven't seen him since then, and it isn't something I want to discuss on the phone or with a message.

I will discuss it with him, but the time must be right.

My hubby would fly off the handle, and then you have two issues to deal with. Also DD may not want her DF to know until things are settled. You have two parents for a reason.

Thank you, I needed to read all of this myself

OP seems to have this in hand.
Disagree with many of the posts talking about involving the police. I believe that is only necessary if the OP's DD is in immediate danger and as all contact with the son was removed from DD (phone and grounded) there was no further danger. Always better to talk to the parties and establish all the facts before going in guns blazing. As it turns out, OP's method worked quite well...

Boy seems to have some issues himself, probably told DD he was 16 because it made him look more mature to her and more 'datable'. Not grooming, very explicit what he was doing but obviously he's a bit older than her so he's been a bit more exposed to that kinda stuff... Possibly worth finding out how much of a baptism of fire it was for her sexually? If it isn't too awkward...

I'd say the boy probably had a crush and being a teenage boy, who tend not to do well with self control and understanding repercussions of their actions as well as the whole hormones thing, he probably got all excited about his new GF and went too far... Sounds like is parents are going to read him the riot act.

Re DH, ask DD whether she wants him to know. She may just want to leave it behind and forget about it.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It must have been an absolute frigging nightmare to see this especially as she is so young.

Tell your dh now, he needs to know, but calmly and carefully. It is going to be hard for him to hear and for you, but he needs to know, you need to both plan what to do.

The school definitely need to know asap, so you can be sure she is not being approached at school or afterwards by him.

Secondly if the photos have gone viral/on the internet you definitely need to contact the police, so they can be removed. If they haven't been posted an immediate meeting with the boy's parents is needed, because they sure as hell are going to be just as horrified as you I am sure. Give them a chance to delete everything and to make sure this never ever happens again.

Lastly your dd needs you to show her you do not judge her actions, that it is natural to have these feelings, do not create feelings of shame, but that it is dangerous and illegal at her age to be filming this. I would downplay the police involvement etc, it will terrify her. If she knows her pictures are on line, then you are going to need to plan how to deal with this at school....

This is every parents worst nightmare, but you are not alone with this problem. Try and gather as much support from close friends and family so you can deal with this calmly.

OP (and the boys parents - because after all he is a 15 yo boy) appear to gave handled this well. Teenagers do daft things. It isn't the end of the world if they do. In this case, it seems as if no actual harm was done and they will (with luck) be a bit more sensible in future.

You know what? This other mother isn't great at boundaries either. Meeting for coffee and joint counselling through their church? She has dealt with her DS, you have dealt with DD, now you need to put some distance between both families. Show your daughter you don't have to do things just because someone else thinks it's a good idea.