Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Please come and talk to me, 13 year old dd

107 replies

abyssiniam8 · 03/08/2015 07:32

Just so that I don't dripfeed, dd just turned 13 two weeks ago. Lovely child, never a days problem with her. She does well at school, is popular, sporty etc. Since her birthday, she has changed quite a bit.

Little things really, but noticeable. Last week she wanted a Macdonalds burger after school. I said no as I didn't have time to go there, and really we don't eat Macdonalds all that often, so I was quite unusual for her to ask for one. The meltdown that took place when I said no was just ridiculous. It was not because she was starving hungry as when we got home (straight from school so she didn't even have to wait more than 10 minutes for something to eat) as I made her a sandwich and she didn't eat it.

She has also recently met with some kids from the area and they hang out at weekends. One of these is a boy who is 16. I think that he quite fancies her. He seems a nice kid, he has been to our house before as we do know his parents (not well, but to say hello and have a chat etc).

She is a fantastic dancer and for the next few weeks is dancing in competitions which she has worked hard for. She loves to dance and it is her thing, its not something I have pushed her to do, its is by choice.

So yesterday as practise I videoed her so that she can see and work on anything, quite a normal thing for us to do.

THis morning I got her phone to transfer the videos onto my computer so that she can see it on the bigger screen later today, this also is quite a normal thing for us to do. So imagine my shock this morning, when I go into her videos and last night at 11pm she and this boy have been sharing videos of themselves..... naked, him wanking and her lying in bed naked and touching herself.

I can honestly tell you that I am floored! I am so upset. I know some will say she is 13 and exploring herself etc etc, and its normal. But this isn't normal for her. She hasn't really had any interests in boyfriends until this. I then went on to read the whatsapp messages, and the things he is saying to her are just unbelievable. She is just a young girl, and its like he is grooming her. You are so beautiful, i love your eyes, your hair, you make me horny, show me your breasts etc etc. I am sitting here crying, I am just so incredibly upset right now.

I wasn't happy about her hanging around with the boy to be honest, he is quite a bit older (i have a son of 16 too so I do know what they are like), and although she has told me she hasn't seen him, its quite clear they have been in contact a lot on the phone.....

I don't have anyone to talk to this about, if I said anything dh, this will not end well. He is not a calm person (which I am moreso) and if he finds out I hate to think what he would do. It just better if he doesn't know quite frankly.

So I have now turned off her phone and put it away and I am going to remove her phone from her. I cannot even talk to her about this until much later today, as she is dancing in comp after school, so I really cant let anything show beforehand. The competition is very important to her.

Please can anyone just chat to me.

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 04/08/2015 21:28

I think you handled it well.

Northernlurker's advice was the best IMO.

NewOrleansGirl · 04/08/2015 22:20

imperialblether I am unclear of the basis of your criticism. Have you read the Sentencing Guideline for possession of indecent photograph of a child or making indecent photographs of children under CJA 1988 and PCA 1978? These offences carry severe penalties including orders such as SOPOs. I do not agree they should be applied to a child but the law says they do apply to anyone over the age of criminal responsibility. When a report is made to the police they take over. I have seen victims of serious sexual offences be prosecuted by heavy handed police who care about statistics and "solving" crimes. I don't agree with it but it is naive to pretend it doesn't happen and encourage the OP to believe the police would only help her daughter and criminalise one of the children involved in this because he happens to have a penis.

NewOrleansGirl · 04/08/2015 22:44

If anyone is interested the Association of Chief Police Officers had to issue guidance as they were aware of police forces focusing on prosecuting children rather than dealing with safeguarding issues. The guidance which advocates not following this approach can be found here www.ceop.police.uk/Documents/ceopdocs/externaldocs/ACPO_Lead_position_on_Self_Taken_Images.pdf

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2015 22:48

NewOrleansGirl, you have really seen 13 year old victims of grooming prosecuted for sending images of themselves to the person who's grooming them? If the child is telling the police a crime has been committed, why are they then prosecuted themselves?

This is not a situation where a woman says she's been raped and is then prosecuted for lying about it. The OP clearly states that the phone records show her daughter is being groomed and persuaded into sending photographs of herself. She is a month off 12 years old.

I don't believe that if the OP reported this to the police, that her daughter would be charged.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2015 22:51

Yes, 2.4 clearly states:

As per Department for Education guidance, the focus of investigations should not be on the behaviour of children who have been the victims of abuse or exploitation but on the adult offenders who ‘coerce, exploit, and abuse children and young people’1.

bestguess23 · 04/08/2015 22:59

The OP is the only person here who knows the ins and outs of this case. Based on the information she has she is dealing with it herself, admirably too IMHO. If she is confident that they both willingly participated and doesn't want to involve the police then that is her decision to make. The law surrounding this is complex and open to interpretation but it makes for interesting reading.

NewOrleansGirl · 04/08/2015 22:59

Yes I have seen victims prosecuted for exactly this type of "offending". The ACPO guidance was issued because it is a real problem. Police don't want a sexual offence reported to them which isn't then solved. It causes problems for them in their statistics. Far better to have a complaint made and two people shown as prosecuted for it. I have seen children prosecuted when they have been victims of even more serious abuse (child prostitutes who had been trafficked into this country). I don't want to out myself but there was a Court of Appeal case about it and ACPO guidance that these children are victims and not to be criminalised. You can see in the media on a daily basis errors and poor judgment from the police in relation to their handling of victims of sexual offences. I don't agree with it, but it is sadly what happens. Obviously many officers are great and act appropriately, but some are incompetent, poor trained, focusing on statistics and criminal justice and not on victims/seeing the case in light of all the circumstances.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2015 23:03

But it's the CPS that decides if it's a Crown Court case, isn't it?

MadamArcatiAgain · 04/08/2015 23:24

As an aside , I am appalled by the standard of maths on this thread

  1. The girl is 13 months off being 12 years old not 1 month
  2. A 13 and 16 yr old cannot have an age difference of 5 years
mummytime · 04/08/2015 23:30

MadamArcatiAgain sorry but in England Police may well prosecute - especially as such images rarely stay between two people, it is classed as underage porn. My DCs school certainly warns them about such things.

But all those arguing about the legal issues - you do realise the OP is not in the UK don't you? So its a bit irrelevant to her. I also suspect it is somewhere where they are less active in teaching young people about the dangers of such behaviour.

MadamArcatiAgain · 04/08/2015 23:33

Well exactly but that is whay I am arguing that she should not go to the police.Anything to do with sex, violence or drugs puts the lid on workinmg with children or vulnerable adults in the future.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 04/08/2015 23:34

DD turned 13 2 weeks ago, why is the maths a main point? Does it matter? Is that the real issue? A 12 year old was sexually exploited, seriously?

bestguess23 · 05/08/2015 00:03

How is she 13 months off being 12 if she turned 13 two weeks ago? The issue with age is that British law (yes, I understand the OP is not British but the debate drifted into UK law) is that a 12 year old and 13 year old are treated entirely differently in British law when it comes to child abuse crimes.

NewOrleansGirl · 05/08/2015 06:57

imperialblether I would not expect the case to go to the Crown Court. This should be dealt with in the Youth Court given the ages of the children. Whether a case goes to the Crown Court when it involves youths depends on a number of factors and it is not the decision of the CPS but the Court, or in some cases it is set out in the law. There is no such thing as British law. If the OP was in England or Wales the information I have outlined would apply. Scotland has an entirely different legal system and different laws. Does anyone know where the OP is based?

Hellionandfriends · 05/08/2015 07:23

Well done for bringing the attention to the mother. However (despite the sobs) this in itself will not be enough to ensure your DD and other pre teens/young teens are protected from the young man. How do you know the mother can resolve this?

You should have told the police. However at least let his school know so they can do workshops on on line safety and discuss legalities about preying on pre teens.

The mother needs to know that you nearly went to the police and that you will if you get a sniff of anything else happening.

MumOfTheMoment · 05/08/2015 07:37

Just turned 13 to (potentially) nearly 17 is almost 5yrs.

HTH.

MumOfTheMoment · 05/08/2015 07:40

Or 4yrs maybe. Ignore me Blush leaves thread

tiggytape · 05/08/2015 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
abyssiniam8 · 05/08/2015 12:13

Hi everyone.

Just another update. Mum phoned me last night, after having the discussion with boy. He handed over the phone quite willingly, but everything had already been deleted. Admitted to pushing dd, but doesn't know why. Claims never done this before. Only last night did I find out he is 15, and only turning 16 later this year. Dd says he definitely told her he was 16, I don't know why he would lie about this....... Mum says he is failing in school, had a low self esteem, lots of issues since beginning of this year - nothing changed at home, not sure if there is an underlying issue. She says though, that he has been talking non-stop about dd (for the past month or so, so prior to this happening). He told his mum that he thought she was so beautiful and has beautiful hair, pretty eyes etc etc, some of the same things he said to dd in the messages. So now I am wondering if it is a bit of puppy love rather than intentional grooming as I previously thought.

His family are quite religious and he is now going to see a councillor from their church. They have offered dd counselling too if we feel she needs it. We aren't members of this church, so I am not sure about this.

He has had his phone removed and has been grounded. He asked for a message to be passed on to dd, to say that he was very sorry and didn't mean to disrespect her.

His mum and I are going to meet up on Saturday. She also has thanked me for contacting her about this, as she had no clue, and also because they had discussed sending images etc, but seems that fell on deaf ears. She also told me that he had uploaded a shirtless pic of himself onto his profile, they had had a big argument about this and she made him delete it.

At this stage, I don't think i will be reporting this officially, but that said, when dd does get her phone back, there will be different rules in the house regarding phone use, passwords etc.

Obviously I am still upset about it, as is she.

But some good news is that she placed first for her dancing, so we are focusing on this now and it was nice to see her smiling again.

OP posts:
NewOrleansGirl · 05/08/2015 12:48

OP thanks for updating us all and sounds like two sensible parents parenting their children and dealing with the situation appropriately rather than immediately assuming the worse and over reacting leading to over the top intervention by third parties. You and the other mother sound like very responsible, considered and reasonable people who are dealing very well with a difficult and sensitive situation. I hope when my DC are teenagers I am as good a parent.

MadamArcatiAgain · 05/08/2015 13:29

OP's DD was only 12 until 2 weeks ago. If the boy turns 17 today, then the age gap is practically 5 years (minus a few weeks).

NO!!! It is practically 4 years (minus a few weeks)the diference between .13 yrs 1m to 16yr 11m is 3 Yrs 10m. It HAS to be under 4 years!

MadamArcatiAgain · 05/08/2015 13:31

But as it turns out the boy is still 15 so age gap is 2-3 yrs.

tiggytape · 05/08/2015 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merrygoround51 · 06/08/2015 10:14

OP - this seems like a sensible approach, but I would create distance now between yourself and this family, no shared counselling and coffees. That will send mixed signals to your DD

gymboywalton · 06/08/2015 10:31

if i found out that my husband had found indecent images on my child's found and had 'dealt with it' without telling me , i would be both furious and unhappy. I am just as much a parent as my husband. i can't believe you haven't told your daughters father.