Please come and talk to me, 13 year old dd

[abyssiniam8]

Just so that I don't dripfeed, dd just turned 13 two weeks ago. Lovely child, never a days problem with her. She does well at school, is popular, sporty etc. Since her birthday, she has changed quite a bit.

Little things really, but noticeable. Last week she wanted a Macdonalds burger after school. I said no as I didn't have time to go there, and really we don't eat Macdonalds all that often, so I was quite unusual for her to ask for one. The meltdown that took place when I said no was just ridiculous. It was not because she was starving hungry as when we got home (straight from school so she didn't even have to wait more than 10 minutes for something to eat) as I made her a sandwich and she didn't eat it.

She has also recently met with some kids from the area and they hang out at weekends. One of these is a boy who is 16. I think that he quite fancies her. He seems a nice kid, he has been to our house before as we do know his parents (not well, but to say hello and have a chat etc).

She is a fantastic dancer and for the next few weeks is dancing in competitions which she has worked hard for. She loves to dance and it is her thing, its not something I have pushed her to do, its is by choice.

So yesterday as practise I videoed her so that she can see and work on anything, quite a normal thing for us to do.

THis morning I got her phone to transfer the videos onto my computer so that she can see it on the bigger screen later today, this also is quite a normal thing for us to do. So imagine my shock this morning, when I go into her videos and last night at 11pm she and this boy have been sharing videos of themselves..... naked, him wanking and her lying in bed naked and touching herself.

I can honestly tell you that I am floored! I am so upset. I know some will say she is 13 and exploring herself etc etc, and its normal. But this isn't normal for her. She hasn't really had any interests in boyfriends until this. I then went on to read the whatsapp messages, and the things he is saying to her are just unbelievable. She is just a young girl, and its like he is grooming her. You are so beautiful, i love your eyes, your hair, you make me horny, show me your breasts etc etc. I am sitting here crying, I am just so incredibly upset right now.

I wasn't happy about her hanging around with the boy to be honest, he is quite a bit older (i have a son of 16 too so I do know what they are like), and although she has told me she hasn't seen him, its quite clear they have been in contact a lot on the phone.....

I don't have anyone to talk to this about, if I said anything dh, this will not end well. He is not a calm person (which I am moreso) and if he finds out I hate to think what he would do. It just better if he doesn't know quite frankly.

So I have now turned off her phone and put it away and I am going to remove her phone from her. I cannot even talk to her about this until much later today, as she is dancing in comp after school, so I really cant let anything show beforehand. The competition is very important to her.

Please can anyone just chat to me.

my dd was groomed at 13 over KIK. Luckily I caught it before it got to the stage you are at, but we did involve the police, and they took her phone away. she's now 15, but the grooming was so clever, I still don't think she truly believed that was the case. she had fallen for him, and hated me for ending it.

good luck, she will need lots of love and support from you

believes, not believed!

I think I'd be inclined to be very very gentle on approaching her, and the boy. School will or should have told both the dangers of sharing what is essentially pornographic material, and at 16 the boy is well aware this is against the law as she is underage. Route one - you involve the police. That will cause havoc with your relationship with DD. Route 2 you meet calmly with DD, the boy and his parents and try to sort out things sensibly. I would be very firm though in making it clear to the boy just how serious what he is doing is and that you could easily have made this a criminal matter. hopefully they will respect you then and you can build a few bridges? Teenage hormones take over even sensible kids. Maybe they will have more respect for you if you handle it calmly. I'd be devastated if my DS at 16 ended up in trouble with the police because he'd been an idiot and got carried away. That said I would read him the riot act in private. Good luck. DS is probably behaving oddly because she knows what she is doing isn't something right.

I wouldn't mention it to DH. Go to a cafe or something with her after the comp and talk to her about it as calmly as possible. Don't get angry or upset and try not to blame her as he may have coerced her into sending the messages. Get in contact with the boy's parents and make sure they don't see each other again. Make sure the pictures don't end up on social media.

Depending on the specifics of the law in your specific country it would be wise to involve the police. Not least of all to stop him distributing the videos elsewhere. You have no reason to believe he has at the moment but I wouldn't take the risk. If you can see her face at any point this could haunt her for a long time, I know it's a worst case scenario but worth considering. He needs to know a 13 year old is not a consenting adult!

Just to say that I hope that you have managed to talk to your DD. I am so sorry op, this must be incredibly tough for you. I personally would contact the police too but I appreciate that it is a tough decision.

What a shock for you abyssiniam8. You say you have a 16 year old son, perhaps you could get him to talk to his sister about Internet safety ( without explaining to him what you've seen) . I think you have to talk to the boy's parents and show them their sons recording - you could pretend you have concerns that he will get himself into trouble.
Best of luck whatever advice you choose.

Thank you everyone. Just to update, after the competition yesterday I had a chat with her and told her what I had found on the phone. I wasn't sure how she was going to react, but she was just stony faced, expressionless and didn't say a word. It was difficult. Later on when she started to talk she said that she felt pressurized by him and that she loved him (knew that one was coming....). I have removed her phone, which she didn't seem upset about, but I think that she is relieved that it is out in the open now. This morning she said that she thinks he doesn't love her as much as she loves him this nearly broke my heart and that she knows now that she shouldn't have sent anything, but also that he shouldn't have asked.

I have messaged his mother and asked her to please check the boys phone and to delete anything that hasn't been deleted. I have told her what I found and worded it that I am concerned about any photos being there, so that I haven't gone in all guns blazing and accusing her son of anything. How they then deal with their son, it up to them. At this point I have decided not to involve police. I haven't said anything to dh either, as he came home from work in a foul mood, and to be honest I couldn't be doing with him in a mood and this all in one day.

I have grounded dd, and said that she is able to have her best friend here to visit, plus the one girl from up the street over to our house, but I am not allowing her out, to hang out with the neighbourhood kids for a while. I have done this to protect her really, as now that I have messaged the boys mother, I don't know if he or his friends will try to intimidate her if he does bump into her. And I have removed her phone completely for now. When i figure out how to disable any online use, I will let her have it back as her dance music etc is on there.

I am a bit calmer now, but I don't ever want to go through what i did yesterday, ever again. Its been a wake up call for me too, as you hear of these things happening, but you never believe it will happen to your own child.

She is opening act with her solo dance later today, I am trying to just get her to focus on the important things now, in one way this is a good distraction as she is dancing nearly every day for next two weeks.

Thanks again everyone for all the advice and comments, you have helped me far more than you all know.

I think you have handled this really well. And you are right to keep a very close eye on her and keep her very busy.

I would urge you to go one step further though. Arrange to meet the boy's mum for a coffee. Tell her that you have done what you need to do to make sure these photos stop and never get shown. Make sure she understands exactly what happened and the age of your dd. That there will be no future contact. Check that she actually saw the message you sent in case he saw it first and deleted it. Or denied what's happened.

Oh and just so that everyone knows how serious you are, make it clear that if he tries to contact your DD in any way or if there is evidence that the photos have not been deleted, then the police will be called without hesitation.

I think you've handled this very well. She obviously has a lovely relationship with you and sounds like a very sensible girl. I think the steps you've taken are reasonable. It's important she knows that you are wanting to keep her safe not punish her. Is there anything nice the two of you could do together some time soon? Maybe a meal out after a dance practice? Something unexpected like that might cheer her up a bit. The other thing to think about is that her self esteem has probably taken a knock so if you can praise her for anything she does that will help build her back up a bit.

Great, I'm glad your daughter is opening up. I would echo pp, if you don't hear back from her I would chase up in case the message didn't get to her. She also may have only seen pictures of your dd, if any, and think this is one sided. You could also do with reassurances from her that he definitely hadn't already passed them on to anyone or moved them to another device. I work with vulnerable children and cases like this come up more frequently than anyone would expect. The damage limitation is important because once they are shared they spread like wildfire, people often forget the seriousness due to her age. If she was 12 in any of the photos or videos it becomes even more serious, in British law at least. I hope this wraps up quickly and your dd is ok.

Another quick update. His mum got the message and phoned me. She was as mortified as I was. She was sobbing crying whilst speaking to me. She just kept apologizing for what had happened. We are going to meet up on Saturday, just her and I to talk it through some more. She suggested we all get together (including the kids) but I think that's a bit much for now, and by then dh may not know as he is away for the rest of the week.

Northern, yes thank you for the tip of going somewhere with dd alone. I do think her self esteem has taken a bashing and she is upset, I noticed she didn't not eat a morsel of breakfast this morning, nor much supper last night. I will be keeping a close eye on her.

Its good that you have a decent parent willing to discuss. Remember to stay calm and nutural!! Easier said than done.

Definitely no kids at the meet up. It's great news that his Mum is on board. I have to say I think you've handled this admirably and have most likely strengthened your relationship with your dd.

So glad to hear the Mum is taking it seriously and supporting you in how it's dealt with. I think you've handled this really well - personally I will be taking it as a bit of a wake up call that this sort of thing isn't just something that you read about in the papers, it does happen to real people well strangers on the internet.

13 is very different to 16, 16 to 19 fine, but 13 is a child.

I would not meet with this boy at all and to be honest I wouldnt be getting into a big conversation with his mother. He is her problem, you just want to ensure that those photos are deleted and his mother is aware of his behaviour.

Bless your daughter :( that first heartbreak always hurts the most. I swear things were never this complicated when I was younger and I'm only 23!!!

I think definitely spoil her for a bit, shopping trip, cinema, etc. bit of mum and daughter time needed. Sounds like you've handled it really well.

I didn't get a chance to read the whole thread. I am a criminal lawyer and unless you were absolutely clear that she was being groomed by him and not that he actually likes her and this was teenage "love" I would definitely not go to the police. Your daughter will put this down to experience and get over it. Police interviews, possible arrest of a boy she cares for, potential criminal prosecution, her having to give evidence at Court, undergo medical exam etc is a huge undertaking that will harm her and affect her for the rest of her life. People don't realise how stressful being part of a criminal investigation is. Yes he is older, but it doesn't automatically mean he is preying on her. He may genuinely like her.

Thanks for the update op. I am really glad the boy's mother is taking this very seriously. I hope that your DD does well.

I don't think this is grooming.It is not an adult but a boy of 16 to her 13.Girls are usually a couple of years ahead in maturity than boys, so I don't think the age gap is much of a deal.Even in my day this wouldn't have raised an eyebrow.I don't think the Police have any interest in criminalising teenage lovers
Your DD has comitted the same sex crime as the boy by sending indecent images to a minor.What is she got a caution for it? Would this come up on a background search if she wants to work with children?

Sexual offences are taken very seriously by the police and this would appear on the criminal record of your daughter and the boy. Sexual offences aren't deleted in the same way as other offences on reaching adulthood and they could both end up on the sex offenders register.

Oh for god's sake, NewOrleansGirl, what a load of crap!

How is a groomed young girl going to end up on the sex offenders' register?

Would you think a girl who is raped should be charged?

Have you read anything that the OP wrote?

The balance of power is always taken in to consideration. If they were a couple and if was two sides the police are unlikely to be interested. There is an exception to this that I mentioned earlier, if she was 12 at any point when this was occurring it changes entirely. Given that she is only a couple of weeks into being 13 that would be a bit of a concern. The police will only get involved if it looks like grooming or an imbalance of power was involved.