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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Please come and talk to me, 13 year old dd

107 replies

abyssiniam8 · 03/08/2015 07:32

Just so that I don't dripfeed, dd just turned 13 two weeks ago. Lovely child, never a days problem with her. She does well at school, is popular, sporty etc. Since her birthday, she has changed quite a bit.

Little things really, but noticeable. Last week she wanted a Macdonalds burger after school. I said no as I didn't have time to go there, and really we don't eat Macdonalds all that often, so I was quite unusual for her to ask for one. The meltdown that took place when I said no was just ridiculous. It was not because she was starving hungry as when we got home (straight from school so she didn't even have to wait more than 10 minutes for something to eat) as I made her a sandwich and she didn't eat it.

She has also recently met with some kids from the area and they hang out at weekends. One of these is a boy who is 16. I think that he quite fancies her. He seems a nice kid, he has been to our house before as we do know his parents (not well, but to say hello and have a chat etc).

She is a fantastic dancer and for the next few weeks is dancing in competitions which she has worked hard for. She loves to dance and it is her thing, its not something I have pushed her to do, its is by choice.

So yesterday as practise I videoed her so that she can see and work on anything, quite a normal thing for us to do.

THis morning I got her phone to transfer the videos onto my computer so that she can see it on the bigger screen later today, this also is quite a normal thing for us to do. So imagine my shock this morning, when I go into her videos and last night at 11pm she and this boy have been sharing videos of themselves..... naked, him wanking and her lying in bed naked and touching herself.

I can honestly tell you that I am floored! I am so upset. I know some will say she is 13 and exploring herself etc etc, and its normal. But this isn't normal for her. She hasn't really had any interests in boyfriends until this. I then went on to read the whatsapp messages, and the things he is saying to her are just unbelievable. She is just a young girl, and its like he is grooming her. You are so beautiful, i love your eyes, your hair, you make me horny, show me your breasts etc etc. I am sitting here crying, I am just so incredibly upset right now.

I wasn't happy about her hanging around with the boy to be honest, he is quite a bit older (i have a son of 16 too so I do know what they are like), and although she has told me she hasn't seen him, its quite clear they have been in contact a lot on the phone.....

I don't have anyone to talk to this about, if I said anything dh, this will not end well. He is not a calm person (which I am moreso) and if he finds out I hate to think what he would do. It just better if he doesn't know quite frankly.

So I have now turned off her phone and put it away and I am going to remove her phone from her. I cannot even talk to her about this until much later today, as she is dancing in comp after school, so I really cant let anything show beforehand. The competition is very important to her.

Please can anyone just chat to me.

OP posts:
GinAndSonic · 03/08/2015 08:18

If you go to the police the chances are both your daughter and the boy could recieve cautions. Its illegal to distribute explicit images of under 18s. She has sent and image (illegal) and recieved an image (also illegal) as has he. www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/10983055/Teenage-girl-given-police-caution-for-sexting-explicit-selfie-to-boyfriend.html

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 03/08/2015 08:29

I would rather she was cautioned than carried on, whats next? She may be being blackmailed, sent the video in good faith and hes asking for more or threatening to show everyone. Pop down to the station and have a chat with someone. Let them look into it, there maybe more to this and the police can access computers and phones. You might be saving more than one person. Police are there to help.

Original poster
abyssiniam8 · 03/08/2015 08:31

Hellion, how do I do that please? Disable the online facility... She has a Nokia Lumia and all i can see is to set the flight mode, is it something I should do with the service provider?

They are at different schools, and not on holidays at the moment.

Thank you everyone, and Northern, yes she will be angry and thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 08:31

I would rather a caution too

Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 08:32

I'll ask my brother

sebsmummy1 · 03/08/2015 08:32

In bit sure how interested the police will be seeing that both parties are considered children.

OP do you know the boy's parents?

sebsmummy1 · 03/08/2015 08:34

*Im not

Original poster
abyssiniam8 · 03/08/2015 08:36

Seb, I do know his parents, but not that well. We live in the same street and if we see each other out and about, will stop and say hello etc. However, the first day that the boy was here, i asked him for his mothers number. He was very shocked that I had asked him, and asked me why I wanted it. On that day, they were all out in the street and I couldn't see them (its a circle) and I had to go out. I couldn't find dd so I went to his house to see if they were there. They weren't, but I asked him for the number just in case something that like happened again.

First of all he gave me the wrong number, he had left a digit off. When I queried it he gave me the right one. I thought nothing of it until now......

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 03/08/2015 08:41

There's some useful advice about how to approach it with your DD here:

www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents/What-to-do-if-you-find-out-your-child-has-been-sexually-abused-or-exploited/

They suggest talking to CEOPs or the NSPCC to get advice on how to proceed, e.g. Calling the police.

Moojay · 03/08/2015 08:47

Not a mum of teens yet myself, but thought I'd throw this out there after having a little think about how I was a teen complete nightmare

Could she be feeling pressured by this boy and not know how to handle the situation thereby the Mcdonalds melt down was her trying to remain in control of something no matter how small.
He sounds like he knows what he doing re manipulating a young teen and I do think it would be best to tackle this head on, involve your DH, he has a right to know and the repercussions of hiding this from him are not going to be positive.
Your DD may well be secretly relieved that you've found these although do expect the mother of all hissy fits due to embarrassment. It certainly sounds like she's struggling to cope with it herself

I would also be very wary how you deal with this boy, the police as first port of call may be safest. You run the risk of him sharing the material out of spite at being caught as it were, the police being involved would make him think twice about committing further crime.

Finola1step · 03/08/2015 08:48

Just a quick question. Are you UK based OP? The reason I ask is that most schools here are on summer break, including Scotland. The advice you have been given in here is good. But details regarding the law and agencies to contact for support may be UK specific and therefore of no use.

SycamoreMum · 03/08/2015 08:49

Oh wow so he might have planned it all along? Shock

Jesus. I'd throttle the shit out of him and his. I know its not helpful but thats just disturbing to me.

I hope your cutting your daughter off the phone and internet for a long time.

tiggytape · 03/08/2015 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springlamb · 03/08/2015 08:57

Unfortunately I think you need to take the decision NOW whether you're going to the police or whether you wish to handle this between the two sets of parents. If the latter, then I'd get into the car and head to the boy's house now. By swift intervention with him and his parents you may be able to carry out damage limitation.

Finola1step · 03/08/2015 08:59

Just a quick question. Are you UK based OP? The reason I ask is that most schools here are on summer break, including Scotland. The advice you have been given in here is good. But details regarding the law and agencies to contact for support may be UK specific and therefore of no use.

Finola1step · 03/08/2015 09:00

Apologies for the double post. Phone wasn't showing the first one Blush

sebsmummy1 · 03/08/2015 09:01

If the parents are decent people then they would be absolutely horrified I'm sure. Lots of 13 year olds do have sex with 16 year olds, so I'm not quite as horrified as some on here. Having phones just makes the process so much easier and whilst I can see why people are mentioning grooming, to me a 16 year old encouraging a girl he fancies to send him naughty photos just isn't the same as a 48 year old trying to do the same.

With all of that said you do need to do something. I think you must tell you husband and between you decide on whether to approach the police or approach the parents and then the police if need be.

theconstantvacuumer · 03/08/2015 09:04

Just a thought: your daughter may not be the only girl he is exploiting. If you contact the police first, they will be able to investigate without giving hm time to get rid of any other photos/footage from his phone.

RJnomore · 03/08/2015 09:04

Ok first of all as horrific as this is it is unfortunately not uncommon these days. Whatever you do decide to do about handling it can you get your dd to watch some of the videos on the ceops site. There is one particularly about this which is very good.

Everyone's advice will focus on your child which is right and good but can I add a plea for you to look after yourself, it's such a shock you have had and so much to handle.

tiggytape · 03/08/2015 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
abyssiniam8 · 03/08/2015 09:10

Finola. Not I am not in the UK, I didn't want to dripfeed but really think where we are isn't that important. I have received wonderful advice. Even though our child services and police are a bit different from UK, it is something that is available - I am still not sure of how to pursue this.

Thank you Tiggy. I honestly do believe that she is the victim, and I have read through all her messages now, and from day one of the messages, he has been grooming her. Even his first message to her was about how beautiful she is. She send him the video after he asked her repeatedly to do so..........

I am of the feeling that I don't want to say anything to his parents just yet either. I do realize that he could now move on and do the same to another young girl, but my priority right now is to get my daughter and me through this as best as we can. Once my head is clearer, I may change my mind.

I wish that I had monitored her phone sooner. Why didn't I even notice that she had keylocked her phone? I feel like I have failed her as her mother. She has been abused and groomed, right in front of me, and I didn't even know.

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 03/08/2015 09:18

It is a big deal, boys treat these videos like trophies, its not normal! Girls could always lie about sleeping with boys, but now they have proof their kudos goes up. They share these amongst their mates, the girls are then trapped, to do more or get others involved. Their reputations are in tatters. So but it is serious. She may or may not thank you for this, but police involvement will stop him and his mates in their tracks.

tiggytape · 03/08/2015 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Taylor22 · 03/08/2015 09:31

You need to go to the police now. No pity party. I can't imagine how hard this is for you but right now you need to act not feel. This is a child protection issue and you need to do what's best for your daughter and that's going to the police to ensure she's safe.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 03/08/2015 09:55

How many times do we see a criminal in the paper, and then other victims come out of the wood work? He did it to me too ... if they had been brave the crime would have been punished. Be brave OP dont let others be in your position.

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