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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old DD smoking

27 replies

AradiaWitch · 25/07/2015 10:10

I have just found out that my DD has been smoking, I am devastated. I had a talk with her last night and she says she doesn't want to stop. I smoke and I hate it, it's one of the worst mistakes I ever made and she knows this. I try to keep it away from the kids and smoke outside. I am divorced from her Dad and he smokes weed around her whenever she is with him and I am scared that will be next.

DH has gone mad with me and told me to make her smoke a pack of 20 one after the other or ground her. I honestly don't know what to do. I am so disappointed and upset but don't know whether to punish her or what? DH and I now not speaking because he thinks I am being too soft. What should I do?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 25/07/2015 10:13

if you smoke, and her dad smokes, then shes bound to smoke too. Thats what happens. Youre wasting your time being upset

TeenAndTween · 25/07/2015 10:14

Could you both quit together?

Where is she getting the cigarettes from? How is she funding it?

gamerchick · 25/07/2015 10:15

How can you punish her for doing something you both do yourselves?

SirChenjin · 25/07/2015 10:16

Yes, absolutely punish her with whatever consequences mean the most to her (not sure about the 20 one after the other, but I know a few older people who had this punishment and swear by it...). Where on earth is a 14 year old getting the money for cigarettes anyway - they cost a bloody fortune - so cutting off her money would be a first step. If it's birthday or Christmas money then make sure she's given material goods or experiences instead.

You could also think about giving up yourself - no point in 'do as I say, not as I do'. Lead by example.

HuckleberryMishMash · 25/07/2015 10:16

I don't think punishing her is the way forward.

Nowadays smoking is generally seen as quite uncool by young adults. Chances are that by the time she's twenty she'll have stopped because it's seen as an antisocial habit nowadays much more than it used to be. That is unless she sticks with the same friendship group.

I enjoy the occasional cigarette, but now literally no one in any of my friendship groups smokes so I never smoke when I'm out for an evening. Ten years ago quite a few of my friends smoked. Everyone has quit now though.

bestguess23 · 25/07/2015 10:17

The only way forward I can see is to set her an example and quit, suggest you both do it together. It will probably mean a lot to her that your health will improve.

JustDanceAddict · 25/07/2015 14:19

I think you need to give up together. Easier said than done, I know, but it will be worth it in the long run for both of you. Also ask her dad not to smoke weed around her (ffs, what are some people like?!?!). Smoking is just gross, sorry. I'm in my 40s and I don't really know anyone who smokes. IT's just bleugh to me!!

specialsubject · 25/07/2015 18:02

where is she getting them from? It is illegal to sell stink-sticks to children so it would be interesting to find that out.

but there's not much to be done while you set the example; while taking it outside is slightly less antisocial (except for any poor sod downwind) you still reek of it so she knows.

time for a team effort to quit. Help is available for free.

specialsubject · 25/07/2015 18:03

oh, and does her stoner father drive under the influence?

Original poster
AradiaWitch · 25/07/2015 21:46

If it was as easy as just quitting I would have done that by now. Hmm

Also if it was easy to just quit I wouldn't be half as upset as I am. It is precisely because I know how hard it is that I am so bothered by her smoking.

If I had caught her drinking would the advice be "well she's seen you drink so it's your own fault. Stop drinking"?

I fully realise that it's not great the fact that I smoke. I was hoping for advice on how I can discourage her or warn her. I feel terrible enough about the fact that I smoke already.

OP posts:
bestguess23 · 25/07/2015 21:49

Why would it be any easier to get to stop than you? Would warnings and discouragement stop you? Why not go with her to the doctor and both access all the help you can to stop. You can't parent with a do as I say not as I do model, it never goes well.

bestguess23 · 25/07/2015 21:50

*sorry, it should say why would it be any easier for her to stop than you?

stargirl1701 · 25/07/2015 21:51

It's more than 'not great'. You have set smoking as the normal pattern that she has experienced in her life since infancy. Statistically, with both parents as smokers, she was highly likely to start as a young teen.

It is very hard to stop - for you and her! Start with yourself as her role model. Get in touch with NHS smoking cessation and stick with it for her sake as well as your own.

Florriesma · 25/07/2015 21:53

Oh dear.

You do realise it doesnt matter what you say about smoking, whilst you smoke she will too. You and her dad have normalised it.
I say this as a child of a smoker. By the time i was early 20s and it was no secret we were all lighting up together. Whenever dh and i tried to five up we could guarantee that my df would turn up with 200royals that demanded to be smoked.

Dont be that parent. I gave up precisely because i knew if i didnt i coukd look forward to my dc smoking.

Have a very non judgemental chat with her, then book yourselves into a smoking cessation course. If you want her to give up you are going to have to lead by example.

CordeliaFoxx · 25/07/2015 22:02

Both my parents smoked, I am the only 1 of 3 that smokes, so saying it was bound to happen is bull.

She says she doesn't want to give up, so I don't see how you giving together helps, if she wants to smoke she will find a way. I started smoking at 14, I funded this with my dinner money, pocket money and swiping my parents.

Cut off her cash supply, and make sure she can't get her hands on yours, other than than I don't see you can stop her, if she's determined enough she will find a way - sorry that won't be a popular answer, but it's an honest one.

CordeliaFoxx · 25/07/2015 22:04

Swiping my parents smokes - not them!

afreshstartplease · 25/07/2015 22:06

Both my parents smoke

All my grandparents smoked

All my friends at school smoked

I didn't and still do not smoke.

NerrSnerr · 25/07/2015 22:09

She thinks smoking is normal because you smoke. It's up to you to set an example, however difficult that is.

SirChenjin · 25/07/2015 22:10

Well, making good use of all the smoking cessation services would at least be a start on the road to giving up - it's possible to quit if you're absolutely determined. If you do anything regularly which is not great, then you can't expect your child not to turn round and say "well you do it". You're on a hiding to nothing when they do.

bestguess23 · 25/07/2015 23:07

There are many studies that prove a child is far more likely to become a smoker if their parents smoke. Of course there are always exceptions but it doesn't reduce the risk factor.

Fairylea · 25/07/2015 23:17

I think you should tell her that you're going to give up and she is giving up with you. Then get some proper help together. My mum smoked 40 a day from 15 until 50 and managed to give up with the help of champix from the gp so honestly there is hope! (She's 67 now and hasn't smoked for the last 17 years!)

Also, is your dd buying them herself? If she is I would stop all pocket money / ground her etc. Make her realise smoking is not optional.

Another thing. ... if you stop smoking yourself you will be able to smell it on her much more easily so you'll know if she's lying to you about it or not.

CordeliaFoxx · 25/07/2015 23:25

Do none of you remember being 14? My mum giving up wouldn't have made any difference to my smoking, I would have found other resources! She's probably smoking with her friends who will have cigs, so unless she is permanently on house arrest, you won't stop her.

SirChenjin · 26/07/2015 09:59

Yes, I remember it well Cordelia - and if my mum had told me to stop doing something that was bad for me that she did, the first thing that would come out of my mouth was "well you do it, so you can't tell me not to".

So -

  1. Stop smoking yourself so she can't throw the above back at you. Lead by example and show her you acknowledge how difficult it is to give up, but that it can be done. It's a vile, disgusting, massively unhealthy habit.
  2. Put consequences in place. You're smoking? The your phone contract stops forthwith, and from now here's a cheap phone from Tesco that your too embarrassed to take out of your bag and which only allows you to make calls (or whatever consequence means the most to her).
  3. Cut off her money supply. No lunch money - packed lunches from now on. No presents of money - goods only.
  4. Keep minimal cash in your purse - cards for everything and hide your cash (although if my kids stole from me there would be absolutely fucking hell to pay - seriously)
ginmakesitallok · 26/07/2015 10:05

I honestly believe that the "it's too hard to stop" is just an excuse. If you really want to stop it's not hard, it's easy. I stopped over 2 years ago, smoked 20/30 a day for over 20 years. When I finally decided to stop it was easy.

SoupDragon · 26/07/2015 10:09

I was hoping for advice on how I can discourage her or warn her.

Give up together.

You haven't got a leg to stand on otherwise.

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