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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to you get teenages to respect their elders, eg grandparents

30 replies

conway · 08/06/2015 20:24

My mum and dad are getting on and my mum has a hard time caring for my dad.
On Sunday I decided to take my mum out to coast for a couple of hours with my 14 year old boy and 9 year old.
My teenager spoilt the whole day as he didn't want to be there but wanted to rush back to watch football with his dad.
He spoilt the whole day with his rudeness and I felt so sorry for my mum who treated us to a lovely lunch.
It is so hard pleasing everyone.
Does anyone else have a similar experience?

OP posts:
2catsfighting · 08/06/2015 20:58

TBH I wouldn't have taken a 14 year old, they aren't known for their empathy generally. However,my Ds became much more sympathetic when he hit 16, and now he is older will even occasionally write to his grandparents!

saoirse31 · 08/06/2015 21:24

Also, clearly not the case for you, but not all elders or grandparents are worthy of respect. sorry off topic...

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/06/2015 18:42

I would have hauled him over the coals and told him to buck his ideas up or he'd lose his phone. One day at the seaside out of the rest of his life won't kill him. We all have to do things we don't want to sometimes.

eyebags63 · 09/06/2015 19:26

TBH would have left him at home to watch football. Can't see any 14 year olds being thrilled by a day out at the seaside with parents and grandparents.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/06/2015 19:28

Do teens have to be thrilled about everything? Since when? how will they learn that sometimes you do things as a family and you might not choose to spend your day with your grandparents but it means an awful lot to them so suck it up buttercup and you can watch the footie when you get home!

Chasingsquirrels · 09/06/2015 19:36

Much the same way as with younger children - if they don't treat you/other with respect then they don't get the same benefits extended to them as they otherwise might?

DS2 was rude to me earlier (cross because he asked for help with his homework and didn't like the way I explained it!). Tue is youth club night. I sure as hell wasn't taking a rude child.

IMHO you don't have to like something/someone but you do have to be a generally pleasant person to be around (obviously if someone is abusive to you then you don't! But I'm making the assumption that grandma isn't).

But then I don't have a 14yo so who knows! Likely I'll be leaving them at home in a pit of their own once I do.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/06/2015 19:40

Chasing - that's exactly how it is with my 14 year old!

googoodolly · 10/06/2015 08:46

I would have left the 14 year old at home with his dad, tbh, unless grandma specifically asked for both her grandsons to be there?

BackforGood · 12/06/2015 00:04

I would have left the 14 yr old at home too - unless they specifically asked if they could come for some reason, and then I would have explained this was 'Grandma's day' and she wouldn't probably be wanting to spend time at the fair or whatever.
That's not about respect though - that's about being grumpy, which is a phase most teens go through. Doesn't mean he doesn't respect his Gran - although, as someone else pointed out, by 14, the Gran should have had time to build the relationship with him anyway.

I can compare 2 Grans in our extended family. One has always had her Grandchildren over for sleepovers, been around to give them lifts to place, made the effort to go and watch them play their sports, taken them bowling in the school holidays, babysat for them, taught them how to bake, talked to them about their interests, helped them clean the hamster out, etc.,etc.etc., the other one has always wanted to come round and sit in the front room talking for the evening. Then go home. Guess which Gran has all her dgc (now late teens and mostly 20s) who all still want to spend time with them ?

By 14, you can't really "make" teenagers want to be with someone. Yes, you can encourage them to be polite, but that's not quite the same.

Loafline · 12/06/2015 07:19

I would have taken him aside at the first signs of bad attitude and explained that if it continued with the bad attitude things would not go well for him in terms of watching football/xbox/pocket money in the near future. I'd say we all have to do things we don't want and a shitty attidude does not make a boring family event more interesting or bearable for anyone.
I don't encourage my dcs to respect their elders, if their elders have earned respect then they will get it but I do expect them to be polite regardless of their feelings.
Mostly though we try to take the oldies out without the kids - it's much more enjoyable for everyone.

wishingchair · 12/06/2015 07:25

Backforgood - that's exactly how it is with us. The one who has never played with them, just expects love and affection as though her position of grandmother demands it. They do love her but wouldn't choose to spend time with her.

Bonsoir · 12/06/2015 07:26

A teen who has been cooped up at school all week shouldn't be expected to entertain grandparents for a whole day on Saturday. You were expecting too much.

HearTheThunderRoar · 12/06/2015 13:00

I'm shocked at some of the replies on here tbh. My DD (16) always visits my mum (150 miles away) in her rest home every few months. DD comes out for lunch, makes decent conversation with her etc. In fact DD was coming with me every fortnight last year for the whole weekend to help care for my mum who could barely walk before she got put in a rest home. Yes, I am sure she would rather be at home with wifi but she's family. No way would she be getting away with that behaviour.

Bonsoir it was a couple hours, not the whole day. Just because they are teens doesn't mean they should get away with being rude to relatives or not visiting them. Of course it's not going to be the most thrilling for them but it's not a great hardship every now and again, especially when it can cheer up the GPs. Besides we have got to do stuff sometimes we don't want to do.

Mabelface · 12/06/2015 13:04

Mine would have been roasted at the first sign of rudeness/attitude and threatened with vile and horrible punishments. Rudeness and disrespect will not be tolerated in my house.

BertrandRussell · 12/06/2015 23:11

I don't necessarily expect them to respect their elders- I'm not that hot on respect as a concept. But by God, i expect good manners and there is hell to pay if I don't get them. Well, there would be if i didn't, but I do.

And it is utter, utter bullshit to say that a 14 year old can't, or shouldn't be expected to act nicely for a couple of hours to please his grandmother.

Bonsoir · 13/06/2015 08:23

Grandparents do not deserve respect/attention merely because they are GPs. Like everyone else they need to earn it.

SomewhereIBelong · 13/06/2015 08:31

Maybe you landed it on him wrong?

Our weekends tend to go either - Sat homework, Sun fun, or Sat a bit of homework/fun and Sun Gran's for lunch (45 min each way) and rest of homework.

So if expectations were get all stuff done that needs to be done on Sat, then footie on Sun, and you said we're off to the beach with gran instead, then I'd understand the reluctance.

BertrandRussell · 13/06/2015 08:38

I find it depressing that people have such low expectations of teenagers.

Bonsoir · 13/06/2015 08:57

I have very high expectations of teenagers and, tbh, my DSSs have more than risen to the challenge, including not bowing to undeserving elders!

bigTillyMint · 13/06/2015 10:40

Did they have a close relationship when they were younger? I think you reap what you sow.

My DC are 14 and 15 and adore DH's parents who we see every couple or three months and have always shown how much they love them through what they say and do. They love spending time with them.
They would be polite and respectful to my DM, though would be secretly aching to get away because she has never forged the same sort of relationship with them.

SurlyCue · 13/06/2015 10:51

I agree with the "reap what you sow" comments.

If a child has grown up seeing and knowing their grandparent, getting to know them as a person and not some obligtory visitor you have to be in your sunday best for then they are far more likely to want to see them as a teen. If they only saw them now and again and had no real relationship with them then you cant expect them to want to give up their sunday chill out time to put on a performance for them. Rudeness however isnt acceptable no matter who they are talking to so there needs to be comsequences for that.

Loafline · 13/06/2015 10:51

My dcs grandparents are the sort that expect love solely by their status, no effort has been made by them, little interest is shown and so it's to be expected that my dcs have little affection for them. The dcs are not rude, but they do not wish to spend time in their company - and i don't think that's an unreasonable position.

BertrandRussell · 13/06/2015 11:03

"you cant expect them to want to give up their sunday chill out time to put on a performance for them."

Why not? I would certainly expect my 14 year old to put in a decent performance for a couple of hours to support me, or to give pleasure to someone else who had been having a hard time. Particularly if there was a nice lunch in it for him!

SurlyCue · 13/06/2015 11:08

If you re-read my post properly you will see that i said "you cant expext them to want to give up their sunday chill time" i disnt say you shouldnt expect them to do it.

BackforGood · 13/06/2015 22:39

Betrand - I have very high expectations of my teenagers. They fulfill those expectations and, as such, are all very busy people. Older people often compliment them on their behaviour / charm / commitment to helping out / etc. as they are doing this type of thing all the time. The older folk at Church love them all. However , Church is a place they choose to go to. The jobs they do and things they volunteer for, are things they choose to volunteer for. The commitments they have (with things such as volunteering with younger sections in the Scouts or Prefect Duties at school) are things they have volunteered for.
What isn't clear from the OP, is
a) how often he's expected to give up half a day at the weekend to go on an outing with his Gran
b) whether he wanted to go, or if there was something else he wanted to do at that time

A special meal for a birthday or whatever - yes, I'd expect a 3 line whip, but expecting a teen to enjoy an outing they don't want to be on, doing things they wouldn't choose to do, and then moaning about their sullenness does seem a little...'what did you expect' to me.