What to do when they literally lie down all day?

[fartmeistergeneral]

DS 16, on study leave, not studying (I'm passed worrying about that, have covered this topic so many times, putting my hope in his final year), lying down all day. Basically gets up, has breakfast and lies down on his bed on his phone for the next 10-12 hours.

I'm working, my husband is working and my ds2 is at school. I've told him to take the dog and empty/fill the dishwasher every day but apart from that I'm not sure what to do. I basically just want him vertical and doing something - ANYTHING - every day. He has a job but that's only one day at weekends with no prospect of the hours increasing at the moment.

He's only doing 3 subjects to exam (don't ask) with 2 to go and they're not 'content heavy' subjects. He's not going to revise anyway, I can't go down the road of asking/making him study - that way madness lies, I know, I've been there.

What should I do about the incredible lack of movement?? He says of course that 'everyone' does this. I feel like I have no respect for him at the moment, I know that's an odd thing to say, but I feel we're all out working our pans out and I come home and he's in his dressing gown!!!!

This is easy for me to say as my dcs are only little but I think that is completely unacceptable.

If he is not revising now what makes you think he will change suddenly next year?

I'd tell him he needs to do something or else he gets snob and pays you board....?

He may well not change next year but believe me we've tried everything and have now just accepted that he'll have to discover the hard way. I don't take digs at the moment but certainly happy to, I just know that saying 'revise or pay digs' will mean that he lies about revising OR he is open about not revising and will pay! And he's STILL doing nothing all day!

It's very hard to get a 16 year old to do what you want them to do. Things change very quickly at a certain age!

Tbh if they weren't showing evidence of revision I would be sending them back into school to do it. The school is open still and you can request teachers see he is there and working.

So I would give him the two options, he has until Friday to show you evidence of revision being started or he can expect school truant officers at the door Monday morning. You also want help with housework and dog or he can hand key to house over and spend the day outside instead of in bed whilst you work

He's virtually an adult, I wouldn't and couldn't live with an adult in my house behaving this way

It's impossible to get them to do anything in this situation. DS2 was exactly the same, didn't revise at all, sat around on his Xbox all day, did his exams, didn't do very well, changed schools for sixth form and left after the first year.

He's now 20 and admits he wishes he'd worked harder and not wasted a year, but he was intent on doing what he wanted, sitting around in the park with his mates.

However, he's now an engineering trainee with a big firm, at college one day a week and his friends are all gradually heading towards uni, despite all being adamant they weren't going to stay in education.

They do get there eventually, but it drives you nuts trying to force them to work, it's very typical of boys to be like this, but when they see their peers moving on, it gets them thinking.

Good luck.

I really can't see teachers doing that. Also I can't call his bluff because truant officers wouldn't be at our door on Monday morning and he's savvy enough to know this. You're right, he's a young adult and he needs to get his arse in gear. I'll think of a list of things he can do tomorrow and will get husband to do the same!!

Whattodo, thanks for this. His friends are definitely heading places and although he knows this, it's just not a reality for him yet. It's going to be a shock!! I almost wish I could fast forward time to exam results and university acceptance letters (I shall go to my room when he goes out and scream into my pillow I BLOODY TOLD YOU SO!!)

Yes, my DS was very disappointed when he got his results and was told he couldn't stay on (independent) because his points weren't high enough - I'd told him a thousand times that it could happen but he knew best of course. All his peers jumping up and down with their results papers while he disappeared outside with me in hot pursuit.

It's so hard at this stage, but all it took was a year of faffing around and suddenly he and his friends have become more focussed and realise that the adult world is waiting for them. Working a day a week behind a bar or whatever just doesn't cut it. It's tough watching it happen though.

Incidentally, DS1 didn't get the grades he needed for his first choice uni, so took a year out working and did some ringing around in October for the following year and got a better place than his original choice. He's graduated now and doing well. A year out is often no bad thing when they have so much growing up to do.

"Misplace" his phone charger?

The phone charger thing won't work unfortunately, we've been there! He just gets one from his friend.

I've told him I'll have a to do list for him tomorrow and he's made noises as if he won't do it. I'm not sure what consequences I can impose for that - grounding won't work as his hard working friends aren't going out at the moment anyway!

Get himn to do stuff that the whole family need, rather than just you. So he preps dinner, does the washing up and the clothes washing or nobody eats, nobody has crockery and nobody has clothes. Including him. If you have to do it, then he needs to find somewhere else to live. It's part of being 16. and make sure you take the wireless internet thingy to work with you and only leave it once he has started showing willing.

What about unplugging the router and taking that to work with you? Would that help?

Have you checked whether his school is offering study facilities? Most of them do these days.

Oh god poor you. I feel for you massively. Something about boys means they just cannot see consequences.

When I was young a friend of mine who had been at an expensive private school and messed about was doing nothing at all aged 18 when the rest of us were going to uni. His father took his house key and chucked him out from 8-6 every day. The first two days he sat in the pub and then realised no one was laughing and got his act together.

Hmm, I had this problem with DS during study leave.
He does household jobs, he did revise, but it was the lack of exercise and daylight in the week that bothered me.
The supermarket is a 4 mile walk there and back, with a couple of significant hills.
I stopped buying three things he likes to eat and gave him the money to go and get them, one at a time. So he walked 12 miles a week just doing that

www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/articles/emotions/teenagers/sleep.shtml

tbh, it's like wondering why toddlers need a nap

MY DD 16 goes on study leave this Friday. She will also spend hours on her phone and on her laptop messaging her friends. She has done very, very little revision.

She will be going into school in between exams and she has a few hours work and some voluntary work lined up for the long summer holidays.i refuse to have her lying around on her bed all day.

i feel for you. Could you try some visualisation with him and just ask him to visualise himself opening his results and be standing beside his mates opening theirs. My ds eventually realised that his friends who said they were doing no revision were actually swotting like mad. Would you consider showing him this thread.

Different situation as DD 16 studies really hard BUT the same in terms of a sedentary life. She literally wakes up and starts revising in bed, texts me to bring her breakfast in bed and stays in her room all day apart from maybe a 30 minute break to play the guitar downstairs.
If I don't take her food she won't eat at all, so I don't feel that's an option.

An an exercise addict I can't imagine lying on my bed all day. It's so unhealthy. But you're right, impossible to get a 16 year old to do anything they don't wish to.

My 13yr old does this often, lolling around on the bed and skypeing, whilst ordering noodles from the takeaway of Mum
It really doesn't bother me, there's worse things she could do.

He's a teenager and teenagers, especially 15-19 year old ones know everything (mine are 19 and 16 by the way). He will kick his heels a bit, get some bad results, see his friends go to do better things and eventually understand he has to compromise and it was his fault not yours. Either he will find work and work hard at a good vocational subject such as mechanics, plumbing, electrical, etc., all deeply undervalued in the UK but provide lots and lots of small and more successful businessmen. Or, he will bunker down and go back to college, FE, part time or full time, perhaps working a bit in a supermarket or something like that and pick the GCSE's, Level II quals he needs to do something vocational like teaching, nursing, firefighting, etc.

He'll get there OP and whilst he does you are doing the hardest, most thankless task on this earth. So have and some and just find the strength to make sure he continues to know right from wrong, the fact you expect him to earn a living and that you love him to bits even if at the moment you don't particularly like him. Teenagers can be very, very hard to like.

Beaufort that is such a lovely helpful response!!!! Thank you! drinks a reassuring glass of wine

He probably wanks quite a lot too.

I've read everyone's posts and nice to know I'm not alone. Sure they will make it in the end but wish I had a crystal ball!!

Demented.., natch!!