14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

math why do you think the OP's dd HAD to go to ask her mum about the pill and the condoms and the sex?
I doubt that her dd felt she had to ask permission first.
But that has nothing to do with the fcat she feels confortable to go and see her mum when she feels she needs to.

All the stuff about shooting yourself in the foot etc... that's something to say to her dd, not the OP. I'm pretty sure the OP is aware about that!

Fleur I agree. teenagers want to be able to take their own decisions. They usually feel like they can (even if they actually can't really take good decisions on some subjects).

What a weird turn this thread has taken! It's a discussion board op, if you don't like people being able to comment, then don't make a thread about it!!

Apple my 3 Dcs have 3 degrees, 2 masters and soon (hopefully) a phd between them (and lots of travel and years of working in the real world) you are a complete numpty and missing the point.
Their friends who got pregnant at school ALSO have degrees and good jobs and lives, AND they have DCs who themselves are now working towards their exams and planning their futures.

I had sex with my boyfriend of the same age at 14, after a year together. We planned it all very carefully, and were always double safe. My mum found out and threatened to call the police and have him arrested - tbh it was the beginning of the end of our relationship because to me it felt as if she thought I was stupid, and her arguments seemed entirely based around our age, as opposed to our maturity, how safe we were, or how healthy our emotional relationship was. I'll happily say that the sex we had was probably the most meaningful and emotional I ever had, because it had been so carefully considered.

The more she tried to stop us, the more determined we were, and for me it led on to doing other things she didn't want me to do just to prove a point.

I think having open dialogue and a good enough relationship with a daughter, or a son for that matter, is the only way to manage the situation. The age of consent is fairly arbitrary anyway. Her reaction taught me that sex is dirty and wrong if anything.

chips have you read the whole thread? No problem with commenting, no problem with having an opinion different to mine but math has made the same daft point a dozen times I'm just a bit bored of her posting y he same thing again and again, if it was new material fine but she's stuck on repeat until I agree she's right it seems

Evening all

math, here's the difference between what I've done and what you did:

• I posted a question directly to you. When you didn't respond the first time, I posted it again
• You have posted dozens of times directly to, and about, the OP. She has explicitly asked you not to do this, a number of times, and you have ignored

They're not remotely comparable.

You really do seem only to be in this to "win". I'm clear about my rationale. I'm trying to get you to stop, as it's behaviour that has the potential to hurt other people. In fact, the OP has pretty much intimated that she is being hurt by your behaviour and you're still continuing. Honestly, it just looks like horrid behaviour from where I'm standing. I can't be the only person.

Please, take a step back. Please try to relate this back to real life, not just an argument on a discussion board. There is another woman, maybe round the corner from you, maybe at the other end of the country. She's asked you not to talk to her or about her several times; she's made clear that it's upsetting her; you have a moral choice to make: do you continue, or not? Are you going to carry on despite knowing that it will upset her? Does it bother you that she might have a really shitty awful evening as a result of what you write about her relationship with her daughter? Is that in line with how you like to think of yourself?

Thank you home but it won't ruin my evening, truly there are enough people offering balanced views which have really helped

lincoln, I'm glad to hear that!

"math why do you think the OP's dd HAD to go to ask her mum about the pill and the condoms and the sex?"

I don't think she had to .

The OP thinks it was important that the DD talked to her. She has mentioned it a few times now, in the context of feeling more in control of what is going on, after her initial shock at finding condoms she had not suspected were there or being put to use.

Mink -- yes I do know a lot of teenagers thanks to having five DCs aged 13 to 25 at this point, and I was once a teen myself and knew many when I was a teen too. What I am posting here is based on many years of observation.

Norah, have you ever wondered why bringing down teen pregnancy rates is of such concern to governments, and especially to the UK government since the UK has the highest rate of teen pregnancy in Europe? Can you imagine any negative consequences to teen pregnancy?

I am in awe of all those successful women of your acquaintance who have managed to get on with their lives despite falling pregnant as teens. You know some truly exceptional women, in every sense of the word. Barnardos reports that '72% of young mothers are currently not in education, employment or training, compared with about 10% of 16- to 18-year-olds generally.' So hats off to those you know who have defied the odds, because they are steep odds.

math you are spinning the statistics to suit yourself. You should be a politician. It is of course true that many teen mums are NEETS at the time of their babies being pre-school but fast forward ten years and many of these young mums have forged successful careers. It is wrong to assume teen mums, like those having teen sex, are not aspirational. I have two friends who were both teen mums. One is currently doing her degree in midwifery. The other is a hugely successful self made business woman with a chain up upmarket boutiques. I'd love for you to discuss your opinions with them.

math like I suggested above - you have 5 DCs you haven't yet brought up 5 DCs, come back in 15 years and tell us how it went.

Children with supportive parents usually do well whatever setbacks life throws at them and this is the situation here.

Then OP why post the thread? You obviously think 14 year old sex is awesome as is teen pregnancy. Clearly you have plenty of defenders on the thread willing to attest to the wisdom of 14 year olds raising children.

They can be midwives or run their own upmarket boutiques! And they'll be saved from a horrid life at university under a nasty tiger mom like me, yet somehow have phDs. They won't be able to understand statistics but they'll be happy and they'll be nice people

What exactly is the problem?
Congratulations!

apple that is not the impression i get at all.
I get the impression that the OP having been horrifued to find out her DD is already having sex has accepted that now she is she is unlikely to stop and that talking to her and helping ensure she has adequate contraception might be a better option than locking her up and/or trying to find a time machine and prevent it having happened in the first place.

You cannot change what has already happened.

Its a pragmatic approach which is frankly more use than a smug well it wouldn't happen to my dc approach.

apple you're just sounding a bit childish now tbh, throwing your toys out the pram because I have a different opinion to yours. Your last post is the weird desperate ramblings of a woman trying to enforce her opinions on others and feelings. Anyone who require reads my posts can see it have not said he as long the things you claim is have.Truly bizarre to say I think teen sex is 'awesome'
'awesome' and somehow think it's a great idea for 14 year old to have babies. Obviously I don't, hence the contraception route.

Soooo many typos sorry new phone can't work it yet!!!

they won't be able to understand statistics but they'll be happy and nice people
Of course. I stand corrected. I'd much rather have children who could interpret sets of data (which incidentally can usually be manipulated in hundreds of ways to prove your point, the general election statistics being a prime example) than them be happy and nice. Who wouldn't???

I think most people acknowledge that underage sex and teen pregnancy is far from ideal, and is to be discouraged.

But the horse has bolted and OP only found out afterwards.

So repeatedly banging on about how bad it is, what her dd's motives may have been and why her dd didn't talk to her mum in advance are all moot points.

When faced with this difficult situation OP aimed for pragmatism. She had a dd who was academic and busy with extra curricular activities, but who never-the-less had time for a long and equal relationship within which they had mutually decided to have sex after organising contraception. When confronted, her dd was honest about the situation and felt able to ask for some practical support.

It's not what most people want for their 14yo daughters and OP had been taking steps to discourage it with 'door open' rules and so on, but it's not the most awful of situations either.

She is now in a situation where she can advise and gently influence the situation, while making sure her dd is safe. If anything goes wrong her dd has somewhere to turn.

To all those posters who would come down hard and take a very different approach - we get it, we really do, but repeating this into infinity isn't changing anyone's mind. Why can't we accept that people parent differently and offer OP the support she came on here looking for?

nequidnimis

Please show me one post where I've said that the OP should be discouraging or even trying to stop her DD having sex? I didn't blame the OP at all. My first post stated that the average women loses her virginity at 16 and so 14 is young but not even that young! She's the one who is insistent on interpreting everything as some sort of attack.

lincolnshirelassy

Well you would know because I don't think you've had your dummy in your pram for a long time. You asked for advice. I pointed out that I didn't think that underage sex was as huge a deal as underage pregnancy and so that would be my focus. You kept saying that your daughter was super smart and bragging about where you went to university and I pointed out that doesn't protect your daughter from teen pregnancy. You went crazy defensive and then Norah started insisting that university is somehow bad and that wanting your kids to go to university or not get pregnant as teenagers makes you a snob and a tiger parent. The statistics things was obviously sarcasm because somehow Norah is obsessed with teen pregnancy being a good thing and you both seem to think that two anecdotes nullify hundreds of statistical studies.

Honestly, you're defensive and you don't listen. You don't want to listen. You don't want to hear any other opinions. You want people to praise you for being a good parent. Fine, just be honest. You're a good parent. I actually don't think anyone was saying you weren't. I don't think any parent can stop a teenager having sex if they want to. I have actually never said anything contrary to that on this thread.

Honestly, that's my problem with these threads and people's "help". People just go too fucking far. For them it's not enough to say "look, parenting is hard and we have to trust teenagers to make good decisions. You've done really well. Just support her. It'll be fine".

It has to be "Having sex earlier helps you get better grades at school! Anyway, university is bad. I know plenty of people who went to uni and they were snobs and they peaked too soon and ended up stacking shelves at Asda but I know tons of teen mums and they did way better!

It flies in the face of statistically proven socio-economic fact and it's just stupid. It's like someone posting a thread about being obese or smoking and people posting anecdotes about their nan who was 30 stone and smoked a pack a day and not only lived to 100 but she climbed everest at 95! So what? We all know what the studies say. Why do people have to pretend or rely on lies and misrepresentations? Why not just tell the truth?

The truth is that having sex at 14 is just not that big a deal! It certainly doesn't make you smarter than anyone else. It doesn't mean that you'll do better in your A-levels or have better boyfriends or whatever nonsense claims people have made on this thread. It's not ideal but it's really not that big a deal.

I feel like people on mumsnet have to build some narrative where their child and their choice is the perfect choice. Which is fine as we all do that to some degree but they have to completely ignore all sociological data to do so. And then they get defensive and crazy when you point out that not only do they have no evidence for what they are saying, there's plenty of evidence against it. It's just ridiculous.

Bottom line is that 14 is not an ideal age to have sex. But when it happened it isn't much you can do to stop it. All you can do is make sure your child is well informed and knows how to protect themselves of a pregnancy at such an early age.

So OPs attitude to this is what I would do also in this situation. Even though I wouldn't be happy about the whole situation. Sometimes you need to find the half full part of the glass and go from there.

I really feel for OP getting so much flack about this

It's obvious she wouldn't WANT her DD to have sex @ this age , what parent would ? But .. She has approached it in a balanced way & appears to have a great open relationship with her DD

I am the parent of a 15 yr old girl & have a good transparent relationship with my DD . She says she feels she can come& talk to me & has other friends with VERY strict parents who are hvg sex with their boyfriend behind said parents back

Lincoln : I think you are doing a great job . You have a supportive relationship with your daughter & she can obviously talk to you

The " Moral High Ground " posters on here need to have a good long think .. As parents none of us WANT this ... I dread to think what they would do if they found out similar of their children ??

Good luck with dealing with this lincolnshirelassy .. You are doing fine

Norah -- I have brought up several of them. The youngest two are 13 (soon 14) and 17. So far so good. They are nice people. The oldest three are nice people who have got into good universities; two of them have graduated. I am a supportive parent. Presumably you are a parent yourself?

As to the anecdotes about the teen mothers people have known who have succeeded -- I'm sure they are nice people all the same. The ones I know did not manage to own their own businesses or get degrees (but they are nice people and good company). Weirdly, they are very insistent that their DDs do not take the risks they did.

Nequid -- the DD's motives are really important here. Unless she has her eyes firmly set on the Oxbridge medicine future Lincoln says she does, and keeps them there, then all the good advice about contraception in the world isn't going to do any good. That is why it is important to try to figure out what she sees as the benefits of an older boyfriend and sex at this point of her life, whether they bring her some status among her peers, and whether a baby might confer status too at some point down the road. If there are girls in her peer group who are likely to raise the ante by having babies then that aspect of things needs to be guarded against.

Nothing can change what has already happened but to get a better handle on what is going on and what is likely to happen in the future, motivation needs to be ascertained and the social circle needs to be examined and monitored.

I agree with some of your points math, which is why it's so important for OP to keep the lines of communication open - it's the best way for her to get answers to those questions and be approachable if things go wrong.

Personally I think it sounds like two horny teenagers decided, after a year together, that they were ready, and I don't think there needs to be a bigger reason or motive than that.

But if there is, then a supportive mother is more likely to hear about it IMO.

the DD's motives are really important here. Unless she has her eyes firmly set on the Oxbridge medicine future Lincoln says she does, and keeps them there, then all the good advice about contraception in the world isn't going to do any good. That is why it is important to try to figure out what she sees as the benefits of an older boyfriend and sex at this point of her life, whether they bring her some status among her peers, and whether a baby might confer status too at some point down the road. If there are girls in her peer group who are likely to raise the ante by having babies then that aspect of things needs to be guarded against

Maybe she's simply in love with her boyfriend and enjoys sex with him? Some girls mature earlier and it's not certainly not incompatible with achieving highly. Indeed when I was at Med school, years ago, there were a number of girls who had started very early, one married her school BF and they are still happily, a couple had terminations (obviously not ideal but perhaps a reflection of the times, being afraid to get contraception, the whole Gillick debate at the time) others just had sex as younger teenagers and all seemed very happy and well adjusted- and indeed have continued as such.

Most research (in Scandinavia and the Netherlands for example) suggests that a more open and accepting approach to teenage sexuality and sex education actually decreases teenage pregnancy. Burying our heads in the sand and pretending it doesn't happen is only likely to encourage risk taking behaviour.

OP I think you have handled the situation as well as you could have :)