14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

Please excuse numerous typos!

The ones I know did not manage to own their own businesses or get degrees

When I was young a classmate who became pregnant informed me she worked twice as hard at uni so she could provide a good home for her DD! And that's decades ago.

Good for her.
The people I know who got firsts did not have dependent children. Or 2.1s or 2.2s, etc. The families I know whose DDs had babies as teens and who went on to university or to any third level education generally all had to muck in to take care of the baby to allow the mother to keep up with her studies, with resultant loss of income on the part of the grannies for the most part and much retooling of retirement plans. But no amount of anecdote will erode the grim stats.

The question remains -- why would someone with a bright future risk shooting herself in the foot in such a serious manner? Even if you factor in the amount of time spent with the BF as he moons over her, strokes her hair and holds her hand on the couch is time she could be spending getting to grips with trigonometry or having fun with a hobby and a group of friends.

I don't think it's as simple as falling in love and wanting to take things to the next stage with teens this young. Children simply do not bypass the many stages of social and emotional development that occur between 12 and 16 in as short a time frame as this. Taking risks with your own academic future and the lifestyle of your family is not a sign of maturity, unless biological development is the only kind to take into account.

The question remains -- why would someone with a bright future risk shooting herself in the foot in such a serious manner? Even if you factor in the amount of time spent with the BF as he moons over her, strokes her hair and holds her hand on the couch is time she could be spending getting to grips with trigonometry or having fun with a hobby and a group of friends.

Are you serious? What age is acceptable to have sex then? Because judging but what you are writing above it sounds like any sex before UNI or any sex before the end of uni when you are handed over a degree is "shooting yourself in the foot".

Having fun with a hobby and a group of friends- this is her way of having fun, she is experiencing her first love which is a fantastic feeling altogether!

Honestly I don't know what your experiences are but I feel quite gobsmacked that somebody can dismiss first love (regardless if sex is part of it or not) as a nuisance that stops your child from seeing other friends. There must be a balance yes, and I understand there is in op's dd's case, but feeling that every second spent next to her bf is a waste of time is wrong.

I am not encouraging my 14 yo to get a girlfriend but when he will as long as there is a balance between study and seeing her I will be happy for him. Because first love is special and it doesn't need to be looked upon as a "nuisance" for your child.

(We will now go into "first love should be when you are older and more mature" aren't we?)

I may be wrong but I feel that math has no trust in her kids experiencing the "normal" teenage life. And this is quite bad as the kids will do it anyway but keep it hidden from their parents.

Don't dismiss love at 14 as "childish", I had my first boyfriend at 14 and we have been together for 4 years. We had sex when I was 16. I still have lovely memories from falling in love with him till the end. It was like a magical relationship which I never experienced again (and I wouldn't want to because everything was so intense).

I can't really understand why this needs to be a negative experience?

She doesn't see it as shooting herself in the foot, math. Have you forgotten how teens think?

She really likes him, and has successfully combined schoolwork and hobbies with a boyfriend for over a year and plans to continue doing so.

I teach in secondary and can say with some certainty that most girls, no matter how high achieving, no matter what their parents think, would like a boyfriend. It is certainly the number one topic of conversation

I stand by what I said earlier - those parents congratulating themselves on having daughters who are sensibly staying away from boys are kidding themselves. Their daughters just haven't met anyone they like enough yet.

Also children don't bypass any development stages, they just start earlier. I guess you read that statistically puberty starts earlier than many moons ago, why do you think she jumped developmental stages? And why is it fine in our society to be proud that our kids are academically advanced but be horrified that they dare trying to be emotionally and physically advanced?

Also Math I may have skipped that post but I can't see anywhere what you would do in the same situation. With steps, not being vague, not stating "I would find out how this happened" but HOW you would find out that info if lets say is not volunteered?

Math
The families I know whose DDs had babies as teens and who went on to university or any third level education generally all had to muck in to take care of the baby to allow the mother to keep up with her studies

No, no, no, - it was the seventies, she had nursery care at the uni for baby - got a good degree.

This was the 70s and the rest of us were pretty immature and amazed at how well she coped.

There was a thread on here recently or a blog about the damage caused to girls through having anal sex, and thought to be due to being pressured by boyfriends into it (due to them having seen it on porn) and as they copied the porn it was aggressive. It caused the girls seepage, requiring surgery etc, and there was no mention of the girls being over 16 so I presume different ages. So I am astounded we are having this debate at all. Sex is everywhere nowadays except maths household

My DCs have 'the normal teenage life'. It's just that 'the normal teenage life' where we live does not include the sort of early sex that some here think of as normal. What is normal here is the sort of homework and sports and extra curriculars the OP's DD enjoys.

I am not talking about physical maturation of secondary sexual characteristics. I am talking about brain development and its impact on emotional, psychological and cognitive development. I have not forgotten how teens think. I believe it is precisely because there are serious flaws in teen 'thinking' that the job of parents to save them from themselves by steering them away from behaviour and activities that can have very serious consequences.

The brain does not mature physically until the early 20s, lagging far behind the rest of physical development, and its physical immaturity accounts for a lot of the cognitive and emotional immaturity that most people (but apparently not you, Fleurdelise) observe in teens. According to you, a child can accordion almost a whole decade of social-emotional, psychological and cognitive development in the space of maybe three years. Perhaps you believe that young teens who are sexually active have somehow managed to develop super brains of some sort? They do not 'start earlier' on brain development.

People whose cognitive development is still ongoing lack good judgement. Anticipating consequences of their actions can pose a challenge. They can be impulsive, hasty and even selfish. There is a reason 14 year olds do not get to vote or drive and why it is recommended that they not be employed as babysitters.

Brain development is also responsible for the ability to regulate emotion, and until the brain is fully developed teens can also have difficulty putting events and perceptions in proper perspective. Regulation of emotions and moods is another important offshoot of brain development. Sex hormones that are new to the body further complicate this element of the maturation process.

I think it is realistic for parents to take all of that into account when dealing with teens and not be carried away by warm and fuzzy sentimentality along the lines of 'Don't dismiss love at 14 as "childish"'. I look to statistics and actual facts of real life and not to fairy tales for inspiration and I hope to impart that approach to my DCs too.

And why is it fine in our society to be proud that our kids are academically advanced but be horrified that they dare trying to be emotionally and physically advanced
Because the job of teens is to prepare themselves for adulthood, and adulthood includes holding down a job that will support them and their future families and allow them to live independently.

We are concerned when we see them engaging in risk-taking because we are adults and we can see where many risks lead. We understand that they are immature and incapable of taking all factors into proper account when making decisions and therefore we try to keep them on a path that will end up well for them and not result in enormous and unnecessary struggle and the loss of most of what really is 'normal teen life' -- widening your social circle, deepening your friendships, going to parties, enjoying hobbies or fitness, watching tv or browsing youtube or reading without having to change a nappy/feed/settle a baby to sleep, sleep in on a Saturday morning, make impromptu trips to the beach, see friends at the cinema or head out shopping without having to scramble for babysitters for your toddler, at 17.

'first love is special'
"Gobsmacked" is not adequate for the attitude of which this is emblamatic.

Kvetch 'Many teenage pregnancies are in fact planned but other people refuse to see or accept that.'
Oh yes indeed they are, and that is one of the points I am making here. And many a teen has had an 'accidentally on purpose' contraception failure because deep down she wanted a baby in her life. It is therefore really important to figure out how the decision making process took place here.

A mother could ask casual questions about other girls' boyfriends, what sort of relationships they have; about girls who don't have a boyfriend; whether the current boyfriend had ever had a girlfriend before and what she knows about that relationship if there was one, how did it start and end, how long did it last, what did it consist of; whether the boy wants to go to university or what sort of plans he may have for his future; how the boys in her boyfriend's peer group view sex is it a matter of 'conquests' for instance, or how do the boys see themselves in relation to each other what boy is considered the coolest/alpha boy and why; are any girls going out with boys their own age, who are the coolest boys her own age, why are they cool; What girls have a boyfriend who is in the same age bracket as her own boyfriend; about girls who have become pregnant among the peer group how are they seen, how are their babies seen, and how is their new lifestyle seen; about girls who are also having sex in the peer group how are they seen; about ambitions for the future among both the boys and the girls -- are all hopes and ambitions talked about or are ambitions of an academic kind (if any) kept quiet while ambitions in the field of relationships are popular topics of discussion; what girl is considered the coolest, what girls are considered the dorkiest/ nerdiest/ lamest/ lowest forms of female existence and what makes them so; what girls are excluded from any charmed circles that may exist and why. And any more avenues to explore that appear to be potentially fruitful.

There are lots of ways of skinning this particular cat. It is important to figure out a way of getting this done and forming a mental picture of the teen culture in which the DD lives and what temptations she may succumb to. There is no need to present the DD with a form to fill out, and you can use your own wording. Be smart about it so there is no hint of an interrogation taking place, with no passing of comment on the answers. You can chat in the car, or while you're spending time together watching tv or walking the dog or hitting a tennis ball around or whatever it is that you do together normally, with your questions interspersed among other topics or remarks about your own youth. You can sometimes glean information by eavesdropping if you're driving a group somewhere too.

The information is not going to be volunteered. It's not even information. It is the teen's snapshot of her own life that is being ferreted out and it is going to be impressionistic. It won't form a coherent whole to the average young teen but an alert adult will be able to see the way the wind is blowing.

And an alert adult will also see where the teen is bullshitting her.

So math in your last post basically what you are saying is it should talk to my DD about her friends, boyfriend, social circle and life in general ??

Oddly enough I do that. Every single day. I don't understand how you have turned the simple act of chatting at length with children about anything and everything into a lengthy essay, it's hardly rocket science to realise it's a good idea to know as much about their lives and thoughts as possible. I have already said Dd talks very openly to me and at length, yet you have still written a lengthy list of questions I should grill her with. I already know the answers to every single question you pose because strangely enough we do chat at home, over dinner, on walks, in the car, on the sofa before bed, on the way to swimming galas, on the way to school, on weekends away, tucked up in bed watching TV....I believe it's called parenting.

Are you the mother who didn't know her daughter was having sex?

'I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! '

Or have I confused you with someone else?

I don't see what good cracking down on the DD will do and preventing her from seeing her BF. I don't think there's any best answer here, but the OP obviously has a good relationship with her DD, and what's done is done now. I find myself in agreement with kvetch. I think a lot of posters have forgotten their own youth.

It can't be undone now, in any case. And if the DD is determined to have a sexual relationship with her BF, nothing is going to stop her. It will happen. She's making what she believes to be an informed choice, so the least the OP can do is ensure she's on good contraception; perhaps some form of implant rather than a forgettable pill, though.

I agree with some of the posters here in principle, and according to the letter of the law it's wrong. A line has to be drawn somewhere. But if we all look back for a moment, to our own memories; if our parents forbade us to do something and even took measures against it, it made us all the more determined to do it. And thereby probably engaging in bigger risks than they might have originally done; like having completely unprotected sex for example.

To all those giving the information about brain effects and the science side of things; how would you deal with this? Would you put the fear of God into them so that they wouldn't dare step out of line and have sex in the first place? Put a stop to the boyfriend? Move her school? Chaperone her to and from all activities? Physically restrain her from leaving the house? Honestly, real life when you've got a head strong teen in front of you? Not a loaded question, I'm just interested to know really, because I can't imagine how I'd go about stopping this.

Working with kids of this age, I really wouldn't be happy about such a young girl having sex because I am not sure with 14 year old girls it is often as straightforward as 'it feels good', or that this is a great reason to be having a sexual relationship at this age.

I would work hard to manage my feelings about it, and talk very openly, non-judgementally and with curiosity to my kid about the function of sex in their life at that time. What function does it serve? What values does it serve? Eg being connected, being loving, closeness, intimacy, joy, passion, exploration.. Or... fitting in, avoiding loneliness, seeking independence, wanting maturity, meeting other's needs... I wouldn't put these words in her mouth, but I'd listen and explore and encourage most needs to be met also in other ways. Sex often feels as though it offers far more meaning than it does, especially to very young people. It's not that big a deal if it is a part of a rich, meaningful life.. But where it is a substitute for or serves to avoid discomfort or uncertainty about the self or connection to others it can be damaging.

We always talked about stuff like this in our house in this way, right back when I was 11. There's nothing wrong with being explicit about morals, values and expectations in your home. Underage sex carries a lot of risks for girls in particular, that's unavoidable.

And I agree most girls want a boyfriend. But most girls also feel they have to sexually satisfy boys to have one and are much less certain boys should sexually satisfy them, often trading sex for a relationship. And so it begins. This stuff isn't unproblematic.

Worry not regina I am trying to let it roll off me! I do know what goes on in dad's social life! I know where dd is at all times. She doesn't go to house parties because she doesn' like drinking, her social life revolves around shopping, cinema, sleepovers (yes I drop her off and pick her up so I know who's house she's at), swimming club and school do's.

dd went to clinic Thursday, Bf came for tea at ours first and he went with her. She has had an implant put in. When they came back I sat with both of them and had a lengthy discussion, reminded then off my rules again and they told me in detail what questions they were asked at clinic and what advice they were given. They did not try to avoid talking to me or 'keep me at arm's length' quite the opposite. They have behaved responsibly and the clinical manager who saw them said so herself, said they were a sweet couple, they asked about the legalities and she went through all the child protection bits and bobs and said that they did not need to worry as the guidelines on applying the law would not apply in their case.

I did not want dd to be having sex at this age but I feel so far it has been handled ok, she is protected now and really is not afraid to talk to me when she b email needs. Far from ideal but I think it's the best position we could be in in this situation.

Lincoln I'm impressed at your attitude towards all this and glad your daughter, and bf (that can't be easy), can talk so openly with you about it.
I lost my virginity at 14 and don't regret it. Partly due to the open and honest relationship I had with my mother. She did the same as you are doing, I felt it put me in control, and if I'd ever got to the stage I didn't want to do it, I knew I could talk to mum about it
It's not ideal she's sexually active at 14, I'm sure we all want our little girls to wait until their wedding day (Pft), but it's reality we have to deal with. I hope my 2 girls feel they can talk to me when they get to that age too.

Regina, I have no words.
You are out of order.

Maybe but you needed pulling down off that pedestal you had put yourself on.

You have continuously lambasted the OP over her parenting skills and making out YOU are an amazing parent that has always known every step your children have made and that they were not able to keep important things from you because you policed their lives so closely.............when in truth you are NO better than the OP and you are simply a parent just like any other whose children tell you what they want you to know.

And my point remains -- a lot of what teens say should be taken with a grain of salt and constant discreet probing is necessary, and that is what I do, because teens can and do delude themselves and sometimes try to pull the wool over the eyes of their parents too for various reasons, and because parents have a responsibility to be smart and not suckers for sentimentality or fairy tales.

I agree with your post 100% Duplodon.
There is so much more to this than meets the eye, and motivation needs to be ascertained.
And I also agree that 'there's nothing wrong with being explicit about morals, values and expectations in your home.'

Not because we want our little girls to wait until their wedding day (pft) but because having sex at 14 can be an indication of other elements of a daughter's personality or socio-emotional development that are much more serious in the long run than having sex (even though that in itself is not without risk.)

Good morning
Just a Sunday morning request for a bit of peace and love
Thanks so much