14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

Firstly I am a mum of 3 my eldest is 14 she too has a boyfriend, last year an 18 year old showed an interest in her I went mad grounded her for about 8 months because she lied & gave out her number etc. I was scared, angry and upset she lied.. Then I thought back to being 13 when I too lied about what I was doing as I didn't have an open relationship with my mum. I was flattered by an 18 year old and was pregnant at 13. Why ? I couldn't talk to my mum not just about sex but about feelings, how to feel loved apart from having sex etc.
This experience was very traumatic and after mum still didn't spk to me I started to rebel.
Fast forward I'm now 31 and facing these situations myself and as I said at first I went mad, now having thought about it I would rather my daughter come to me and we chat about what the options are, although she hasn't yet her & her bf have only been together a few weeks I have tried to be more open and have made it clear no matter what I'm here. I only wish I had this option myself. You are doing the right thing this is not only coming from a mum & a teen nightmare but a sexual health nurse also. Good luck x

Thanks Tash

I assure everyone I do not have funny feelings about sex.

Just questions about a relationship that may have started when a girl was 13 and was not discussed with the mother until she found the condoms, and a common sense approach to the big picture.

As an aside, it is interesting to note that apparently nobody suspects the mother of having 'funny feelings about sex' despite what she reported about her DD's explanation of why she kept the sexual relationship hidden from her (in plain sight) -- 'she had been afraid to approach me'.
['If I was Mathanxieties teenage child and I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, I don't think i'd be telling mum in a hurry']
I am puzzled at the double standard here, as well as the double standard wrt sport, academic attainment, ambition/Oxbridge/medicine. When I do it my children are overscheduled and I am some sort of a Chinese tiger mother but apparently it is fine for the OP to have her DD involved in a great many activities, etc.

I think there is a lot of projection going on here -- it is sad to hear of people's poor relationships with their own mothers, but I think many are projecting your experiences onto me and my DCs. It is possible to have a good, honest and open relationship with your DDs and still have those DDs busy with sports, homework, extra-curricular activities, and for them to be committed to success in school and avoidance of risk taking. It is a matter of finding a balance, striking the right note, avoiding the sledgehammer approach, ensuring your children understand they have choices but knowing where those choices may lead and what the risks/benefits are.

Math do you really think a 14 yo (or a teenager of any age) no matter how close the relationship is with the mother would come and report "I had sex yesterday!"?

I had the closest relationship with my mum during my teenage years including discussing sex matters and so on. In detail.

However when I did sleep to my BF at the time (which she knew off having a very close relationship, he was coming around our house, he was an extremely nice boy and adored me and my parents loved him in return) I did not tell her. She found out from a close friend who spilled the beans thinking my mum knew about it.

When I smoked I didn't tell her.

In fact I remember hiding a few things from her, not because I didn't think she'd understand but because I wanted to be a grown up and distance myself from my parents.

I know now and I knew back then that she was in fact my best friend. I would talk to her about everything that worried me, about everything however I didn't want her to know about me having sex. It is only natural to keep certain things away from your parents because you want intimacy and independence.

So the question is Math do you really expect your teenage kids to come and tell you when they had sex?

OP I think you have done great and everything you could have done without damaging your relationship with your DD. You have more chances of being in control and aware of her life this way than starting a proper battle.

I have a 14 yo DS but to be fair I have not forgotten how it feels being that age.

Ok, reread the thread and can't work out when the OP shifted into victim mode.

There's a lot of anecdotal nonsense on this thread. People are pretending that it was "lack of good parental conversations" that gets kids pregnant but if that's the case, you'd expect to see teen pregnancy spread equally across the entire economic spectrum. Instead it's related to class, education and father-absence. This isn't anecdotal, this is statistically documented fact.

No offense Tash but you think that you had a kid at 13 because your mum wasn't understanding enough and you being understanding will stop it (assuming you want it stopped?). The likelihood is that the socio-economic factors that led to your teen pregnancy were in place well before you even met your boyfriend and my guess is that the same is with your daughter too.

Same with having sex - by the time you find the condom, it's too late to change anyone's mind. The time to do that was in the preceding 12 years. I don't think parents have any control over teenagers and what they do.

math, I'll ask again with a little twist: why are you persisting in talking to - and about - someone who doesn't want you to do so?

What is your motivation? Are you trying to "win" or help? Are your actions congruent with that motivation?

Apple I was answering Math my reply wasn't to you at all. But I have to say that you and Math seem to have an overly invested wish for your view of 'success' in your children.

Fine if it all goes according to plan, not so good if you are the child that gets pregnant, fails to get into the 'best' uni, or fails through some other reason, but not probs for you, you prob cast them out ....

apple I'm not a victim thanks. I feel perfectly in control here despite you and math telling me repeatedly I'm not. As for all the stuff about teenage pregnancy and babies being status symbols there is some truth in that but it's just as snobby as thinking academia is the be all and end all. Yes as I've said it's important but if any or all of my dc's didn't go to uni but were happy I couldn't give a shit. I don't know if with your post about early sex being related to class, deprivationetc you are trying to suggest that you think myself and my daughter are at the low end of the economic spectrum or you are just being a snob, 'class' is an outdated concept and I hate it but if you would like to pigeon hole us we are affluent and what you would no doubt call middle class. My mother has maids waiting on her as a child if that helps you and math form a better picture, seeing as you clearly value people according to their jobs, income and possessions, not their qualities as human beings

"Math do you really think a 14 yo (or a teenager of any age) no matter how close the relationship is with the mother would come and report "I had sex yesterday!"? "

Let's ask the OP that too Fleurdelise. She wouldn't have said her DD 'had been afraid to approach me' if she hadn't expected her DD to approach her. She seemed really relieved to be finally in the loop.

You mention that you 'wanted to be a grown up and distance myself from my parents.'
I have asked the OP whether she thinks this is going on with her DD. It is a risky way to assert your independence, a very tempting shortcut to a version of adulthood that is peddled in the media and perhaps in the DD's social circle, and sometimes the desire to have a baby goes along with that. There are many peer groups where having and keeping a boyfriend is a major marker of status, and also many where having a baby for your boyfriend has status attached to it, and confers instant grown up-ness without having to go through all of the years of slogging through sixth form and university, or any of the fears of that long trek -- of failure and the open ended future.

Norah -- 'Fine if it all goes according to plan, not so good if you are the child that gets pregnant, fails to get into the 'best' uni, or fails through some other reason, but not probs for you, you prob cast them out'

Let's ask the OP about her DD's many extra curricular activities, her academic prowess, and her ambition to go to Oxbridge and study medicine. Or is that sort of ambition only ok if you demonstrate you are willing to shoot yourself in the foot or take risks that are disproportionately going to affect a teenage girl?

HomeHelpMeGawd, I am very tempted to ask why are you persisting in talking to someone who has no interest in talking to you...

Regardless of the reason OP thought her dd didn't approach her the reality is that not many teenagers will admit or announce loudly that they are having sex.

I doubt it that with her ambitions OP's dd wanted a baby. Whatever the ambitions are. I think the OP stated the Oxbridge ambition because she wanted to show that her dd does have them and are aiming high.

Having sex doesn't exclude ambitions and the desire to succeed in life. Whatever succeeding in life concept that may be.

The reality is that even though my mum was my best friend and I would talk to her about any subject I wanted to, I still wanted to become an adult that makes her own decisions. And this is natural for any teenager.

I don't think is healthy to think you can control your teenager. I don't think you should even aim to do that. I think it comes to a point where you are there for them when they need you but take a step back and hope for the best.

Trust and communication takes you further than the desire to organise your child's life to what you imagined it to be.

Or is that sort of ambition only ok if you demonstrate you are willing to shoot yourself in the foot or take risks that are disproportionately going to affect a teenage girl

No its taking into consideration normal life. You seem to have a strict formula for raising children and a rigid view of what you want for them/ what in your view is best for them, but not all children are the same. Are all your DD the same? I'm gobsmacked that you are so determined that your method is best. I am one of 5 siblings, we are all very, very different.

I have raised my DCs, you aren't there yet math. I would have more interest in your views if you had. Come back in 15 years and tell us how it went.

math I don't know what all this 'let's ask the OP' crap is as I've already long since stopped listening to you after you switched from advising to constantly criticising, therefore I won't be answering any of your questions as whatever those answers are you will be using them as a stick to beat me with in your next post. Where does this determination to be 'right' come from? Why can't you accept that others have different opinions and ways of doing things to you? fleur thank you yes I mentioned dd's ambitions and activities as it had been suggested several times that boyfriends are the death of both these things, in my experience that's not true, however neither am I scheduling her to the point of her having no free time, she has Mondays and Thursdays after school free currently and some down time at weekends, they do need time just to chill. And I still can't quite believe a 13 year old has 5 hours homework a night, when do they eat???

I think if you think back to your teenage years instead of thinking what you would do now as a parent.
Quite a lot of my friends had sex at

Looking back to my teenage years I think what kept me away from "trouble" was the fact that I could communicate with my mum WHEN I FELT LIKE IT.

So she was the first I would go to when I would fall out with my BF, I would cry and she would be there for me. Same with any other issues. Now I know she was able to maybe manipulate (even though I hate that word) easier through advice and chat than by having a go and be unapproachable.

She also managed somehow to keep my boyfriend close. He would also go to her to moan/complain/discuss about my teenage tantrums (jealousy, fall outs).

So she was able to know what I am up to by being his friend and also mine. She was also putting a lot of responsibility on his shoulders with regards to me (can you please make sure she is home by 12 back from that party? You know we trust you! Type of thing).

This kept me out of trouble for 4 years while my friends where out being rebellious my mum was keeping me safe with the help of my BF. And yes I was having sex. Out of love, with one person (and the parents new about it). But I was a really good teenager compared to some of the things my friends where up to. (Random sex at parties, lying to their parents they are sleeping around a friend's house but sleeping with their boyfriends, clubbing while their parents thought they are safe in a friend's house etc).

*parents knew - sorry I am typing off my phone

Norah and lincolnlassy

yes, we are all tiger moms who will cast our kids out on the street if they come home with Bs! That's totally, er, real life and not some working class fantasy of how the other half live.

You keep banging on about your fancy degree but you seem to be offended (and confused) by statistical data so I doubt your mumsnet bragging is anything close to the truth. You might have well as said "university is not for the likes of us!". Middle class people generally care about their children's future and they don't demonize people who do. Wanting your kid to get knocked up and not wanting them to go to university in case they turn into someone who is "not a good person" and "doesn't take care of others". Ding ding ding! It's a tell. You have it.

middle class people generally care about their children's future Of course working class people do not include suppose. Speechless.

apple I have a very mentioned my degree ONCE when I was asked directly by another poster if I went to uni. I do not keep banging on about it. I couldn't give a toss whether you think I'm making it up or not, I don't judge people by their standard of education or salary. I don't judge them at all. The discussion was about teen sex, it was you and math who started on with all the amateur psychology/social demographic bollocks. Next you'll be telling me dd was clearly fixated in one of the psychosexual stages, or I didn't hug her enough as a child. Give it a rest.

Typo sorry include should be I in first sentence!

fleur the point you make about being able to go to mum when you feel like it is an excellent one. Dd may not be approach in me with every detail of her and Bf 's relationship (and I don't want to know!!!) but I am 100% certain I will be the first port of call if she needs me. She has always come to me with anything that's worrying her and I know she'll continue to

'She has always come to me with anything that's worrying her and I know she'll continue to.'
Except in the case of this relationship and her plans to sort out the pill, which she had not mentioned until you found the condoms. I think you are being over-optimistic on this one.

'Having sex doesn't exclude ambitions and the desire to succeed in life'
I would be very concerned that the risk-taking indicated less than full commitment to the Oxbridge medicine track that Lincoln said her daughter is on, and that she finds all her extra-curricular activities less than fulfilling.

I would be asking if she was looking for something in this sexual relationship that she felt was missing elsewhere, or why she felt this was an enhancement to her life. A sexual relationship at 14 (and possibly 13) is a shortcut to adulthood and I would be concerned that she was willing to take that shortcut, and wondering what she thought she was avoiding by skipping pretty much straight from childhood into an adult lifestyle.

I am laughing really hard at the idea of a steady sex partner keeping you from random sex at parties and all the other things teens apparently are unable to keep themselves from doing if they are not getting it in their own bedrooms -- 'my mum was keeping me safe with the help of my BF'. Are you trying to say that teens have uncontrollable libidos that must find expression somehow? And what sort of people did you associate with?

Oh so off math surely you are even boring yourself now, didn't even bother skim reading your latest post as you'll no doubt be repeating the same tired point until everyone gives in through sheer exhaustion

math

are you trying to say that teens have uncontrollable libidos that must find expression somehow?

Em have you met teenagers? Were you ever a teenager?...pretty much a lot of them do have out of control libidos. I wasn't having sex at that age but boy did I waste a lot of time thinking about it and about boys and relationships. And a lot of people did have sex at parties, at school on occasion, in cars, in parks and all sorts.

It is damage limitation at this point.