14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

Give it a rest math nobody is listening....I didn't even bother to read your post.

Why not start your own thread that way you will not be hijacking this one with all your armchair psycho babble.

OP has your DD spoken to you since it all came out?

A big fat to you too Regina .

Wrt your thoughts on my opinions 'I'm sorry you feel that way', as they say.

No need to be sorry, I'm not, just stop taking over the thread

You have done nothing but beat the OP with your perfect parent stick and it is soooooooo boring now.

Now run along dear I am sure there are other parents you can use your stick on somewhere on this site.

I can't imagine any parent accepting at face value the word of a teen who has not volunteered information but has basically been discovered doing something she felt she should hide from her parents.

I would call the grain of salt approach 'common sense'.

I would also place in the category of common sense the asking of questions about how much time elapsed before the sexual relationship started and the matter of who initiated it and who is and has been taking responsibility for the contraception. None of this is clear from the thread.

I was not aware this was your personal bailiwick, Regina.

Ha ha ha you really are a one. You just keep plodding away regardless. Even the OP has given up on her own thread because of you.

Are you this naggy in RL?
Do you constantly just go on at people until they agree with you or switch off?

It appears I am the only one still listening and even then I don't read your whole post. I am only replying due to MN being quite low key today and I am ill so not up to much.

I am still listening and I think math asks some very pertinent questions.

Maybe she does but they are lost in amongst the prefect parenting and the beating of the OP.

However she now has a new audience with you AF so I will make like the OP and leave you both to it.

I am not a new audience, have been here all along

Hi Regina come back! thanks for asking yes she has spoken to me about it quite a lit since it came to a head, I have 're-iterated all the various things about mutual consent etc etc she seems happy, everything as normal, carrying on school activities etc and has seen BF just twice in the last few weeks both under extremely close supervision! I am satisfied as I can be that there is nothing untoward about any of it. She is at the clinic on Thursday to have an implant and has organised all this off her own back and wants to go alone, but with me 5 minutes and a phone call away if needed. She has behaved in a mature and responsible way IMO. math you do speak a certain amount of sense particularly in your earlier posts but you have an overbearing way of presenting your parenting style and hone set up (which obviously work very well for you)as if they are the holy grail to which we should all aspire, people parent in many different ways, some of which will be less effective than yours, some more so. Returning to the thread again and again to labour the same point and thrust your overblown opinions about my daughter's social situation, ambitions and psychological state I am finding quite exhausting. There is a possibility of course that you are right, that she has been co-erced in some way, or has some terrible gaping whole in her psyche which sex is filling, or is jeapordising her future. A possibility. There is also a possibility that all is just as I see it, she is a happy, successful teen (the usual teen strops etc not withstanding) who simply has decided she loves a boy and wants to sleep with him. Not everything has to have a deep, hidden root cause. Some things are that simple.

Hi Lincoln I kept math amused while you were gone.....

I am pleased your DD is still being as open as she is with you and the implant is a better form of contraception. She will choose her own path in life and all you can do is guide her in the safest direction you can. I think you are a very good parent regardless of some posters views .

ApplePaltrow, I saw the same phenomenon in my own schooldays. Many of my classmates have grandchildren now

So they've failed big time?? Wasted their lives?? Is that what you see?

Just in case you find this useful, I first had sex with my bf when I was 13. He was 2.5 years older and we had been together for a year.

It was absolutely 100% my decision and I was totally the one calling the shots sexually. Our relationship continued for several years, the sex was good, and I never regretted it.

It never affected my schoolwork or anything else. It was just something nice we did sometimes when we were together, no big deal. I went on to do very well academically, and was in fact the first person in my school ever to go to Oxbridge.

In fact, I think the fact that I was already sexually active when most of the others started making a big deal about it was a considerable advantage, as when most of them were wasting their time obsessing about sex at around exam time I was focussing on my exams instead.

The fact that my first experience was so positive was also very helpful later on in life when I was briefly involved in less healthy relationships. My experience gave me a reference which meant that I could tell when things were less than healthy, and move on with considerably less trauma than I would have experienced otherwise. So far from being emotionally damaging, I found it was emotionally protective.

I got married to dh at 21, still married over 20 years later. Was never pg until I had dc in my 30s, hardly a teenager.

TBH, I feel that making that big a deal about sex is very, very counterproductive. Much better for young people to discover these things when they start to get the urge, than to bottle it up for years and years. Also the older they are, the more likely they are to have been overexposed to porn these days, which brings a whole raft of other issues. I would rather they had real experiences in the context of a loving relationship than that they built their idea of normality from that. We are lucky to live in a place and time where free access to good contraception removes almost all the risk from sexual experimentation if used appropriately.

This is so sad. S and I really sympathise with this. It's such a difficult age. Thankfully our child started a bit later but it is still such a worrying and distressing time.

Sending you a hug and a cup of tea

Thanks liara and victoria yes it is stressful and a bit of shock when you aren't expecting it, but to me working with DD rather than being at odds with her is really important to me, so long as she keeps talking to me I can retain some control over the situation without being to dictatorial IMO, much better that I know and she keeps coming to me however uncomfortable that is!!!

"ApplePaltrow, I saw the same phenomenon in my own schooldays. Many of my classmates have grandchildren now"

"So they've failed big time?? Wasted their lives??"

Where do you see that?

..............
I do not think you are in any way in control of this situation, Lincoln. Basically you found out something by accident and your DD has now told you to back off. She is telling you she wants you to keep out of it all. I think my suspicion from upthread may be right -- she is trying to tell you she is handling everything and has no intention of involving you in this no matter how tits up it all goes for her or has already gone for her.

Engaging in a sexual relationship that you hide from your parents is not a healthy way of developing independence from your mother or expressing developing maturity. Trying to keep your mother at arms' length once she finds out, likewise. You are a bit more than five minutes and a phone call away from what is going on in your DD's life.

I do not know why you think she has come to you or will keep on coming to you. Nothing in this situation indicates that. She did not come to you in the first place you found the condoms and asked her what was going on and she has now told you she can handle everything from here on out and made it clear she considers this to be only her business.

Math I have reported you. You just will not leave the OP alone you are not being fair or supportive and you are saying the same thing over and over again.

She's not keeping her at arms length. She has her as back up! OP knows when her daughter is going to get her contraception sorted and will be on hand to support her if the daughter needs her.
I think the OP is being a fantastic parent. Most people would have no idea if their 14yo was having sex. The OP has a good enough relationship with her daughter that she knows what is going on and is available for guidance if needed.
I was having sex at 15 OP, and I'd have killed for the sort of relationship you have with your daughter.
ignore the pearl clutchers.

Applepaltrow said
By 18, pretty much everyone had fallen to the achievement level of their parents. Pregnancies all over the place. People refusing to go to uni because of their boyfriends. This isn't an attack but I do think sex at 14 is at least a warning sign and I would put all my energy into getting her into Oxbridge (or whatever you think is best

You Mathanxiety replied
ApplePaltrow, I saw the same phenomenon in my own schooldays. Many of my classmates have grandchildren now

So I asked
So they've failed big time?? Wasted their lives??"
I presume you are talking about the dire failure of the DCs not making it to Oxbridge

I really annoys me, and dawned on me prob when I was about the ages of Math that getting your DCs to Oxbridge or whatever does not mean you are a good parent. It means they have got into a university.

It doesn't guarantee that they will go on in life to successful marriages, to contribute in a big way to the future of the poor or unfortunates in the world, to be admired and loved generally, to bring up well adjusted children who contribute in a good way to the world (rather than being hell bent on getting their DCs into uni), that they won't become alcoholics, or have severe long term health problems.

It's just one thing in life. In British society it is a big deal, we are obsessed by academic success and the money that will bring. But that is not a good thing imo.

math you have now descended into talking utter bollocks and being quite insulting to boot, just because I wouldn't bow down to your point of view. I don't think you can even be reading my posts, I'm not sure how talking to me regularly and agreeing when she is going to the clinic (I am giving her a lift there incidentally she would prefer to go to the appt alone) is keeping me at arm's length. Keep posting if it pleases you but I certainly won't be reading any more of your posts, you are not here to help just to press your opinions on me whilst slagging off both me ans my daughter just because our approach to things is different to yours .

I think you sound like a lovely understanding mum. I was in a similar situation as your daughter but my boyfriend at the time was slightly older. Fast forward 20ish years and we are still best of friends-we have been to each others weddings ect and I don't feel damaged at all!
I had a friend who's parents banned her from boys-she was walked to and from school ect. She still managed it-you do not want to know where. At least you know who your daughter is with and she is safe.

Thanks home

Norah

What the hell are you going on about? I only brought up school because the OP brought it up. And the rest of your post is inverse classism anti-education bullshit. Being a good parent is about giving your kids options. Not shutting them down at 15. That doesn't mean they have to go to Oxbridge but that does mean (in 2015) giving them an opportunity for an education.

God, what a joke. The rest of the world is desperately trying to educate women because it sees how powerful it is to enable educated women to better themselves. Women literally under threat of bombs and acid are still trying to get an education. Kids in slums with parents paying for school because they see how important education is. But in the UK, nooooooo. Tall poppy syndrome is rife. Success is "bad". "Just because you go to university doesn't make you a good person" whine a bunch of lazy anti education troglodytes in one breath but a minute later bemoan all the "toffs" running the country.

Anyone who believes that their kids dropping out at 14 pregnant is some sort of parenting triumph is not fit to be a parent. You know - a lot of the parents of my friends who fell pregnant were so happy. Their kids couldn't leave for uni and had to stay close. And of course, they got to play with a baby again. Because for them (and I assume you) that's what parenting is. Playing with a baby. For some of us, it's about the responsibility of taking care of an incredible person and moving heaven and earth to give them the best opportunities in life.

Norah:
It doesn't guarantee that they will go on in life to successful marriages, to contribute in a big way to the future of the poor or unfortunates in the world, to be admired and loved generally, to bring up well adjusted children who contribute in a good way to the world (rather than being hell bent on getting their DCs into uni), that they won't become alcoholics, or have severe long term health problems.

Neither does working in Tesco, does it?

And I would prefer to see my children going to those good universities than the children of many other people, and ending up in a position to contribute in a good way to the world. It is easier to find the time and the means to contribute when you are not working three jobs to make ends meet and have an excellent education, and perhaps even a specialisation in some useful subject like medicine or economics or urban planning.

What a silly screed your post was. There is no virtue to any specific position in life, and no guarantees no matter what way you turn. But it stands to reason that credentials matter, and an excellent education can be used to benefit more than just yourself.

'inverse classism anti-education bullshit' sums it up very well. I agree with your post 100% ApplePaltrow.

Lincoln -- Our approach to things is very similar, as I have pointed out before. We have daughters who are involved in similar activities and with similar objectives, and apparently you approve of all of it including the Oxbridge ambition. Maybe Norah missed this part of your posts? Anyhow...

You seem to be an optimist about this situation you have discovered. I would be a pessimist, just based on the fact that the situation was discovered by you and not discussed with you until you broached it yourself, and because your DD waited until your intervention to get serious about contraception. I would be very worried that not just boys but maybe babies have become a status symbol and I would be digging deeper here. I do not think things are as simple as loving an older teenage boy when you are 14. I have never had any time for the Disney view of life.

It would of course be nice if she talked to you and keeps coming to you, but she has not done this. She has chosen a very dangerous way in which to assert her independence.

Mathanxiety: why do you keep on talking to a person who does not want you to do so?

Seriously: what is motivating you?

It's just ... odd.

From the outside, it looks like you are determined to "win". It does not look like you are motivated by wanting to help. Is that the person you want to be?

If I was Mathanxieties teenage child and I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, I don't think i'd be telling mum in a hurry, given her strength of feeling and funny ideas about sex.

I was having sex at 14. As we're a fair few of our mates. Our parents had no idea.