14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

Yes

In my defence I cut and pasted from the pp.

Although some of the parents here do seem to reign over their families

OP: as with most parenting questions, you have to pretty much ignore those who have not been presented with the problem, and believe they never will be.

Pragmatic is probably the best response. I would not make any sort of pretense at not being disappointed at her choice, even while being glad of their reasonably responsible way of going about it.

I cannot be bothered to sort through 13 pages of proudly perfect parental pontificating to find if you have ever said you intend to discuss the situation with the boys family? seems they should have the bare facts at least, even if they react with unconcern.

It has been my observation personally and professionally that it is often the girls in families where it is assumed sex will not be part of the lives of the young teens or where the idea of them having sex is bizarre or indeed those that are kept on a very close reign are among the first to rebel.

You quoted me in that little observation up there. It is bizarre to me that my 14 year old would have sex because she is barely through puberty, her breasts aren't even grown although she has periods and there is no way physically it would be good for her to engage in an activity which could put her growing body through a pregnancy. Also because her social set up makes it highly unlikely. Not because I have any idea that teens aren't sexual beings. She is as likely or not to "rebel" than your child or any other child of a parent on this thread. The presumptions/assumptions/stereotyping on this thread are going both ways.

Rebel against what by the way - rebel against the idea that she deserves better than a sexual relationship before she is fully grown??? Should I tell her that it is a good idea so she can "rebel" the the other way? Should I do this in our conversations about drugs and honesty and work ethic too?

And for what it's worth, I have already commented that the OP seems to be doing the best she possibly can for her daughter in the particular situation she is in.

I apologise canyouforgiveher I lazily quoted from a later comment by Math without seeing the original, well balanced post.

I think you may be reading a different thread from the one I am reading, Nequid. The OP herself stated she used to jump out of windows to meet her BF and have sex as a teen. The question of family culture or ambivalence comes up here. She also states that she has a very good relationship with her DD but also says that the DD had not felt she could come to her to talk about the sexual relationship. There are several obstacles to acceptance of your version of things, elements of the picture you paint that are not in accord with statements the OP herself has made.

"So you believe (from your post)that the only place that they would have sex is at the "lax parents" house?
How are you going to keep your DD on the "close reign"? Are you never going to leave her side again?"

BoneyBack, the OP says she checks in on the DD and her BF every half hour when they are at her home. This is what she considered adequate supervision.
"I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc,"
There are those who would consider a 'no going to bedrooms with your boyfriend under any circumstances' rule a better approach.

She also said she has spoken to them both on the matter of the slavering that was going on. I honestly believe that if the two of them were openly mooning over each other, then it would have been clear that neither of them was ready for a serious relationship (one involving sex). I have a gut feeling that people who don't have a concept of the notion of 'a time and a place for everything' are mature enough to be having a sexual relationship. They are also ime the people most likely to embark on one. Certainly to me it would have suggested there was more going on than just the PDAs, and the fact that the BF was doing this openly in my home and in my presence would have indicated that he has no sense of propriety.

I remain most interested in the home this boy is living in, and in whatever is really going on there, why a boy of 15 (now 16) can't get a girlfriend his own age, what is so attractive about one who is 13 (now 14). I would also like to know more about the relationship between him and his father whose drinking is enough of a problem to cause the OP to be concerned about him.

Aren't relationships between boys and girls a school year or so apart very common? They certainly were in my school days, my DH's school days and my Mum's time too. I don't think it's a character flaw.

cathy I don't think any age gap of 18 months is particularly unusual, it was usual when I was at school and seems to be so now

'I think it helps some parents to believe that they are totally in control. Oh no, it would never happen in my household.'

To all those who shake their heads sadly at my naivete, are you all sure your children are not doing drugs? Presumably all is square on that front in your homes? If you are confident your children are not doing drugs, what gives you that confidence?

I have heard from my friends in the knitting circle that the young people can easily buy drugs these days, and they have whispered to me that drugs are taken quite frequently at parties and hops since they can make you feel quite jolly...

Of course teens are sexual beings, and of course they are curious about drugs and alcohol, and cigarettes, all of which are really easy to lay your hands on, even in school at lunchtime (because where there's a will, there's a way apparently) but is it easy to believe teens are not doing drugs and if so why? The fact remains that most teens are not having sex at 14. Why are those teens able to keep their pants on? Why do some have the will and some don't?

...................

I find it hard to believe this girl experienced no pressure or that the BF is a well-adjusted teen from a happy home.

Lincoln:
'His relationship with bf is extremely poor and I have tried on a number of occasions to get him to see his GP and get some treatment. At the moment bf's Dad is not really capable of parenting which is another reason why I will be restricting visits to their house. I have to make the rules or no one will..'

Lincoln:
'Norah the Dad is a worry, not just because he isn't really in a place where he can parent his son at the moment but also because he is our friend. But I have tried to help and get him help, but if he refuses to acknowledge he needs it I'm stuck. Luckily the older boys stepmum is also a good friend and lives just a few minutes from them still, she keeps a discreet check on the boys and my dd too (though her and bf's Dad are NOT on good terms)'

The OP had enough concern about the BF's father to have tried to intervene as a friend and help with his drinking problem or possibly she was referring to the entire situation -- poor relationship with ex/poor relationship with his son/drinking and possibly depression. I can't believe a teenage boy from a dysfunctional family (by definition someone with a drinking problem whose latest relationship has gone tits up, who is not in a place where he can parent is presiding over a dysfunctional home).

I would like to know what the 'extremely poor' relationship is, if there have been any incidents of abuse, and in what ways the father is not 'in a place where he can parent his son'. I would like to know if there has been any abuse of anyone in the home by the father, and what relationship the BF uses as his model for relationships.

If a relationship starts when the boy is 15 and the girl is 13, then something is awry imo. 13 is a very young age to be dealing with a teenage boy who is older. 13 year olds have absolutely no experience or BF/GF relationship model to fall back on apart from Disney films.

At 13 the life experience difference between her and a BF of 15 is very wide. If the girl was 15 when the relationship started and the boy was 17 (with 18 months age difference) then that would be different.

A 13 year old girl in a relationship with someone even 18 months older is in a vulnerable position. The level of vulnerability is magnified by local and broader culture, pressure from peers, family culture, and personality and upbringing and family culture of the boy involved.

Math you are making yourself look increasingly daft with every post. Just give it up, for Christ's sake.

Math

"the OP says she checks in on the DD and her BF every half hour when they are at her home. This is what she considered adequate supervision.
"I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc,"
There are those who would consider a 'no going to bedrooms with your boyfriend under any circumstances' rule a better approach."

That assumes that the bedroom is the only place where they are alone long enough to DTD.

God yes, give it up.

Math, aren't you just saying the same thing over and over again, like a slightly ignorant tourist speaking slow English to a Spanish waiter? We all know what you're saying, but some of us still don't agree. Incredible isn't it? You're imparting such wisdom, yet some of us still think it's bollocks. We're all going to hell in a handcart.

Math, may I ask who is keeping an eye on your own children's activities whilst you're learning about the perils facing children these days from the wisdom of your knitting circle?

Math you don't have bloody over analyse.

I shagged at 14 because it felt good. There is no back story, no long lasting damage, no fucked up home life, no fucked up schooling.

Seriously, I'd love you to analyse me. Please explain why I felt the need to have sex?

And that's cool monkey, but there's a lot of research that suggest that underage sex can have long term consequences that are less than helpful in the context of young girl's lives. A lot of girls at 14 will also be like Canyou's dd, not at all sexually developed or mature enough for sex to actually feel good.

I don't think there's any need to make a meal of it and analyse it to death, but at the same time I do think it's okay to put limits on young teens engagement in adult activities, which includes full sexual intercourse.

I don't think limits needs to mean prohibition. Just things like limiting how much time they have out of the house/with the boyfriend, diverting where possible, withdrawing various privileges if they don't comply with curfews etc. I've a friend who works with seriously troubled youngsters who are youth offending and restricting access to things like hair straighteners, money, lifts and computer games can really support young people in sticking to house rules.

There's a lot of research in general that parents who don't keep a very close track on where their kids are and what they are doing, who they are hanging around with, often end up with kids in greater trouble than those who do. Redressing this is a fundamental aspect of a lot of youth interventions in social care across all sectors of society.

Honestly, some parents have successfully managed to put limitations on the behaviour of seriously violently offending, addicted kids on court orders. I think it's possible to restrict how much sex a 14 year old from loving, caring, communicating home is having and communicate about this respectfully and without naivety. Or why not just give up parenting them entirely, if you have no impact or influence over them other than taking them to a family planning clinic? (not directing this at OP, but to the general idea that there's no potential to limit any teenager ever without turning your home into some sort of fortress and putting a chastity belt on them).

Well quite,BoneyBack, but it seems the OP is also thinking the bedroom is the place they are most likely to dtd. Otherwise, why would she be popping her head around the door every half hour? And presumably since the pair are never allowed to be alone in the house someone else would be likely to walk in on them if they were to try it in the sitting room or the kitchen, etc.

I don't think 18 months and 1 school year apart is unusual either. I think people forget what its like to be a hormonally-driven teenager. Age limits are an anathema to them and I don't think you can expect them to see it from the point of view of a mature adult - that's not what they are.

I didn't have sex at that age, but it wasn't available to me (girl's school, not much opportunity for hooking up with the opposite sex). I do remember being 15 and thinking that if I had the opportunity for a shag I would have taken it before the 16-green-light appeared on the horizon. I certainly knew who I fancied and had sexually-related thoughts at 14. I don't think that was any kind of character flaw. People reach that point at different times, imposing specific age limits on it is very artificial.

I would also take a pragmatic approach to it. I'd want to be sure she wasn't being pressurised, but I wouldn't assume that her being 14 automatically meant that she was. Its not ideal, but if she's already gone there I would help with sorting reliable contraception and I wouldn't be treating her like some sort of harlot.

Would like to comment so place marking for later in the day.

The question is really the age of the DD and her life experience vs the age and life experience of the BF. Not really the age gap here.

13 is awfully young to have started an exclusive relationship with a boy who has 18 months of life experience more than she does. 13 year olds are susceptible to all sorts of pressures, even though they might not have the experience to identify elements in their relationships as pressure. And 14 yer olds are not that much better. Their insecurity makes them very vulnerable to exploitation.

Many would not be able to distinguish serious pressure from a boyfriend to have sex from proof that he 'loves' her.

Duplodon's posts from upthread say it all better than I could when it comes to the most likely context of sex for a young teen girl:
"What function does [sex] serve? What values does it serve? Eg being connected, being loving, closeness, intimacy, joy, passion, exploration.. Or... fitting in, avoiding loneliness, seeking independence, wanting maturity, meeting other's needs... I wouldn't put these words in her mouth, but I'd listen and explore and encourage most needs to be met also in other ways. Sex often feels as though it offers far more meaning than it does, especially to very young people. It's not that big a deal if it is a part of a rich, meaningful life.. But where it is a substitute for or serves to avoid discomfort or uncertainty about the self or connection to others it can be damaging.

And I agree most girls want a boyfriend. But most girls also feel they have to sexually satisfy boys to have one and are much less certain boys should sexually satisfy them, often trading sex for a relationship."

FireCanal
'I don't think you can expect them to see it from the point of view of a mature adult - that's not what they are.'
There is much more that teens do not see in the same light as adults do but apparently sex is a sacred cow.

I do not know where the expressions 'harlots' and 'character flaws' are coming from on this thread in relation to the DD.

Duplodon, I agree and can't imagine that many wouldn't. OP appears to be doing what you suggest already.

Where you see references to more extreme methods of prevention it is in response to those posters who persist in insinuating that OP hasn't done enough, in a 'she has done everything except..' context.

For example, see the last post from math where she yet again raises questions and concerns that she would want answers to, as if this has never occurred to OP, and as if OP has not already discussed all of this with her child, and as if OP hasn't repeatedly said that she has.