14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

In your family culture? what's that supposed to mean?

I am not talking about ethnicity.

I am talking about the sort of attitudes and assumptions families hold, the sort of things that strike them as no-brainers, or aspects of life that don't have to be consciously thought about.

And I am not talking about 'class' either.

I have an almost 15 year old dd and an almost 14 year old dd.

the idea of either of them having sex is bizarre. Neither of them are fully grown -despite having hit puberty - they are barely getting their heads around periods.

And no, they aren't having sex while I stick my head in the sand.

I have the book about the differences in US/Danish attitudes (Not Under My Roof) and I agree with a lot of it but by god 14 is different to 16/17

Op, your situation is unique to your daughter and you have to do the best you can by her and it sounds like that is what you are doing.

But as the mother of daughters that exact age, I would not want to live in a society that thinks it is just ok no probs for a 14 year old girl to be having sex. It is and should be way more complex than that - because 14 year old girls, never top of the list for rights/what they deserve, actually deserve more than this.

Math, it is so offensive to suggest that anyone who finds out that their child has had underage sex - no matter how shocked and disappointed they are - must have a family culture where this is the norm and damage limitation is their primary focus.

Have you read any of the dozens of posts on here from people who kept it from their families because they knew they would be horrified?

Have a look on AIBU where a poster has revealed that her strict father called her a slut and even now she can't forgive him. It wasn't the norm in their house or in the houses of the people who posted similar experiences in that thread.

I have four teens, a steady stream of their friends through my house, and I teach secondary. Anyone who thinks this can't happen to their family because of their superior moral values is deluding themselves.

And how you deal with it once you find out will differ because, you know, people make different decisions,and just because it's not what you'd do doesn't mean that it's kind, wise or serving any purpose to continue alluding to the fact that those people are inferior, morally bereft fools.

'family culture'?? What on earth does that mean math??? I agree with nequid that that is really offensive. Our family don't have a 'culture' of having sex at a young age. Read my OP, I did not 'expect' her to be having sex at a young as he, I was in fact really quite shocked.

I am guessing that Math means the families where generation after generation of women have their first kids at 15.
It's not difficult to work out surely?
At my recent school reunion (I am 49 btw) I discovered that there are great-grandmothers who were in my year. And one great great grandmother.

And I say that those families clearly have a family culture where it's normal to have sex at a very young age. How could it be seen as otherwise? It's not offensive, it's biological fact.

If Math does mean families who have children in their teens, how is that relevant to this thread? It clearly doesn't apply to the OP.

It's offensive if she is implying that the reason the OP's DD is sexually active at 14 is because of her family culture.

Honestly Math, your head is buried so far in the sand. You remind me of schools who say they have no bullying problem. Any scool who says that is in denial aboyt the bullying problem at their school, it exists everywhere. Your insistence that teen sex couldn't happen in your house, because of your parenting style is equally blinkered IMO.

I still think it's an extremely odd comment to make drank. And not our family culture! I was 23 and married when I had first DC which may seem young by today's standards but was a considered decision. My mother was 29, aunties were 26 and 31 and my cousins 36, 33 and 27. All of us married. We were hardly teenagers!!! So no I have not been going down the prevention route because it's a matter of family culture, but because it just seems the sensible thing to do in the situation!

I showed this thread to my DDs (16 and 18, not sexually active, I am not naive enough to think that's a result of my parenting, both just haven't met anyone they're that interested in yet) and they snorted at some of the posts.

They are in a naice academic school, with naice academic friends from lovely successful families with no culture of teenage pregnancy but many, many had sex at age 14-15, many without their parents' knowledge. They now have great places at university, have done well in exams and seem happy and well adjusted.

Like the OP I also think it's too young but were it my girls I would do exactly as she has. Stopping them seeing each other, locking them up, chastity belts, or even nagging them incessantly about what a bad idea their relationship is would just drive them further together like Romeo and Juliet and promote risk taking.

According to 'research statistics' I read 1/3 of people in the UK have had (heterosexual) intercourse before the age of 16. The most common age for first time of intercourse is 16.

According to 'research statistics' I read 1/3 of people in the UK have had (heterosexual) intercourse before the age of 16. The most common age for first time of intercourse is 16.

Sorry.

"But as the mother of daughters that exact age, I would not want to live in a society that thinks it is just ok no probs for a 14 year old girl to be having sex. It is and should be way more complex than that - because 14 year old girls, never top of the list for rights/what they deserve, actually deserve more than this."

Precisely. I know we live in a time when the worst thing you can do is disapprove, I think there will be negative consequences to come. Although,looking at the NSPCC survey, some of those consequences are already being suffered by our teenagers.

I'm still waiting to hear why you can't possibly stop a 14 year old having sex,but it would be no problem stopping a 12 year old.

Another thought, those who say you can't stop 14 year olds having sex,what if their boyfriend was abusive? Would you still be quite so powerless then? I sincerely hope not.

Finally, considering Mumsnet has a very wide readership,I wonder if some of you are aware of exactly who might be out there, reading that 13 and 14 year old girls love full penetrative sex and their parents can't stop them having it.

What an unpleasant post IPity.

Have you read the thread?

I think just about everyone disapproves of underage sex and would prefer their child to wait.

I also think just about everyone knows that it is possible to stop a 14yo from having sex, and some methods of doing so have been discussed. Some of math's suggestion had already been tried by OP. The debate has largely been about whether, in certain circumstances, those methods become counterproductive.

I feel so sorry for OP, having her DS and a difficult family situation referenced so unkindly by anonymous posters determined that their way of parenting is the only way. By all means disagree, and offer advice, but what now are you trying to achieve?

And your suggestion that by talking about this we are somehow placing teens in harm's way, is disgusting.

Honestly, your last paragraph is beyond the pale.

Some people really don't know when to just FTFO leave it, do they.

IPityThePontipines

"I'm still waiting to hear why you can't possibly stop a 14 year old having sex,but it would be no problem stopping a 12 year old."

For one if the police where called they could remove the boy from the situation, as has been pointed out they are not as interested when the age gap is close.

But

Have you answered how you would stop them from having sex?

Boney - exactly the same way I'd stop my daughter doing anything else I believed to be harmful for her, by keeping her on a very close reign and filling her life with more positive activities. There certainly wouldn't be anymore going round to houses with "lax parents"

That's my job as a parent. It would be exactly the same and equally difficult as keeping a determined teenager away from drink or drugs, but for some reason some on here seem to think 16 year old boys are a special category of unstoppable force who can't be prevented or resisted.

Btw, I stand by the last paragraph of my previous post. Lots of people read Mumsnet. Lots of people are brought here by Googling, it's not just mothers reading here, so think before you post.

Erm IPity she isn't allowed to the house with 'lax parents' I mentioned way up thread I was not going to be an enabler. He is allowed here, they are allowed out to do normal teen stuff, but despite limiting opportunities as much as I can I think it would be daft to assume I can remove ALL opportunities

(sorry post above was me, name changed for different thread and forgot!)

Canyouforgiveher Tue 26-May-15 04:31:16

"I have an almost 15 year old dd and an almost 14 year old dd...
...the idea of either of them having sex is bizarre...
...as the mother of daughters that exact age, I would not want to live in a society that thinks it is just ok no probs for a 14 year old girl to be having sex. It is and should be way more complex than that - because 14 year old girls, never top of the list for rights/what they deserve, actually deserve more than this."

-- This is what I mean by 'family culture.' A family environment where it is assumed sex will not be part of the lives of the young teens and where parents are aware of the sort of pressures and temptations that exist and work to counteract them without using the sledgehammer or chastity belt approach.

I also mentioned in my post about family culture that families have styles of communication that ensure that socialisation into the family norms takes place with a minimum of lecturing.

This style of communication I have in mind (I referred to it in an earlier post) would not include the possibility of anyone being called a slut.

In families where that happens, values and outward appearances are mixed up. That confusion has been absorbed by the teens. Quite often, somewhere along the line the demand/withdraw dynamic has emerged and communication has shut down.

(My earlier post on communication styles -
'This is not a matter of parents talking and children dutifully taking notes in one way 'conversations' that are explicitly focused on drugs or underage sex, etc. It is a matter of the general way parents and teens communicate back and forth over a broad range of issues; avoiding the "parent nags-demands ---> teen withdraws" (criticism/avoidance) dynamic is crucial if teens are going to listen or absorb a parent's values and norms. The overall pattern of communication across a broad range of things that comes up is what matters.

In other words, not sweating the small stuff can keep teens receptive. Explicit conversations are less important than ongoing socialisation between parent and teen. Parents can remain the key influence on their teens' norms, and can reduce or even eliminate the need for any explicit talks while increasing the likelihood that teens will listen if the need for an explicit talk arises.')

If the OP's family culture is not one where young teen sex is one of those things everyone assumes will happen, then the pressure factor needs to be examined - pressure from the BF and pressure from peers. The OP has stated that many of her friends drink and smoke. It is not unlikely that many of them are also having sex.

Thanks for running all of that by us again math.

I've only skimmed it but think it's another one where the response has to be 'OP has already done all of that'.

IPity - if anyone unsavoury is reading this thread they will learn that some teens want to have sex with their long term boyfriends and girlfriends, and that there are circumstances in which a parent may tolerate that this is happening. Hardly revelatory stuff.

Why is it so hard for some people to understand : OP had all the usual rules in place, kept and continues to keep her DD busy with activities, family and friends, insists on schoolwork being a priority and has a close, communicative relationship with her through which they have discussed the motives and consequences.

She was not delighted at the discovery, she was shocked. She did what felt right, and many here - based on instinct or their own experiences - agreed. She said at the beginning she would not facilitate it and she came here for advice. None of that sounds like lax parenting from a family that has a culture of underage sex to me.

Short of 24/7 surveillance, permanent grounding, police involvement, boarding school or chastity belts (all of which you might consider if she was 12 or in an abusive relationship IPity since you keep asking this question but ignoring the answers), it sounds to me like OP has done everything you would expect.

IPityThePontipines
"exactly the same way I'd stop my daughter doing anything else I believed to be harmful for her, by keeping her on a very close reign and filling her life with more positive activities. There certainly wouldn't be anymore going round to houses with "lax parents""

So you believe (from your post)that the only place that they would have sex is at the "lax parents" house?
How are you going to keep your DD on the "close reign"? Are you never going to leave her side again?

With respect to your wishes about who could be reading this thread, I can see the many holes in your answer.

I think it helps some parents to believe that they are totally in control. Oh no, it would never happen in my household.

I have always served incredibly healthy food at home, we have a family culture that encourages fresh, clean food. It doesn't stop my DDs as they became teenagers mainlining biscuits and other junk as soon as they're away from the house, it's one of their ways of asserting their independence.

It has been my observation personally and professionally that it is often the girls in families where it is assumed sex will not be part of the lives of the young teens or where the idea of them having sex is bizarre or indeed those that are kept on a very close reign are among the first to rebel.

Teenagers are inventive and where there is a will, there is a way, sex doesn't just happen in the houses of 'lax parents' I know girls who have lost their virginity in the loos or under the bushes at parties, or by leaving school at lunchtimes.

This is a bit poor as my only contribution to this thread, but it's rein not reign.