14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

Math, let's say that OP has taken your advice and discussed all of the motives and implications with her dd already (she does say they've talked a lot). What now? How do you suggest she stops it?

Right now all the 'it wouldn't have happened if...' and 'I think her motives might have been...' and 'it will end in disaster because...' are moot. How would you stop it, if it was your dd?

I asked IPity the same question, I wish someone would just answer it.

Norah while porn can have many damaging effects, it doesn't get boys pregnant, give them STI's, cause them to curtail their lives "because they're in love" and generally take up as much headspace as a romantic relationship does, so not a good comparison

I would say that sex/porn could curtail their lives and def takes up as much headspace as a romantic relationship. It is addictive remember. Probably a much more dangerous and insidious influence than a romantic relationship is for a girl.

I think posters forget the intensity of teenage emotions.

Not the first time I've read a thread containing comments from math that I have read open mouthed.

Op I think that your dd will learn - maybe subconsciously- several valuable lessons from this experience .

It sounds like she has a good balance of schoolwork, other activities, time with friends and family, and time with the bf. This is a very healthy experience to encourage, and if she has this positive experience she will hopefully have this ingrained as a template for future relationships.

Ditto the fact it seems a healthy, enjoyable, respectful and consensual relationship.

My parents were obsessed - still are! - with what a relationship looks like on paper. Age, income and profession, family background of suitor etc. They don't have the emotional intelligence to know or care much about the dynamic of the relationship itself. They were very strict, so no, I didn't lose my virginity until 18, but I then went headfirst into a vile abusive relationship which ruined years of my life and I still bear the scars.

You are letting your daughter learn the joy and value of a joyful and healthy relationship, and letting her learn how to manage it without it becoming one of those all consuming obsessions.

Making someone feel ashamed and secretive about a healthy relationship is a very confusing and damaging lesson for a teenager IMO. It sends very confusing messages which can lead to bad choices later, as it undermines the devalues the positive choices they were starting to make. You are doing the right thing. And I'd much rather it was out in the open so I could continue to monitor his treatment of her, the dynamic of the relationship etc. All of which is far more important than the PIV issue, and which you wouldn't be able to monitor if they were sneaking round behind your back.

I don't think I have suggested on this thread that the OP could stop this. If she wanted to, then she could by grounding the DD, watching her 24/7, making sure she gets taken to and from school, changing school, perhaps sending her to boarding school.

Heartofgold's post suggests a more softly softly approach to reclaim the DD and if I were to try to stop it, this is what I would do too (it is also how I would feel about this situation):
I firmly believe that your dd is too young to be this involved, she is too young to know the consequences emotionally and physically, she is so vulnerable. If it were me, and this was my dd I would be blocking out plenty of nights to spend on homework, hobbies, friends and with you and not with him. Develop her life in every way you can so she does not come to depend on him. Do not allow him to take over her every waking moment, quietly keep them apart. Insist the school work stays on track and that you do not approve of their sexual relationship, that she is too young and although you are there for her you think it would be best if she stopped (blame the police, the courts if you want to) I think giving him free access to your dd will at some point end in tears, I am so sorry to say.

Or she could try to talk her DD out of it, or talk the BF out of it.
Here are some quotes from the first pages with suggested themes to focus on:
Morethanpotatoprints --
'I don't think she should be made to feel ashamed of herself as accidents happen.
However, I would be helping her to see that it was wrong at her age and that it was my job to protect her.
If you allow it to continue then you are encouraging it, by not stopping it.
Sometimes being miserable is part of learning that some things aren't good for you.
I'm not suggesting you ban her from leaving the house, but a lift back and to from a friends house etc is a good way of deterring the relationship.
At this age she should be doing homework and having a nice group of friends she goes out with, not shagging her bf. Sorry to be so blunt.'

And another from Morethanpotatoprints --
'The boundaries I meant were not to sleep with people until legally old enough.
not to be allowed to a bf house in a bedroom, that's facilitating it.
Teaching them it isn't right and why.
Not allowing it to continue when you know your boundaries have been broken down.
I'm sorry if i sound harsh, but you can do something about it.'

And from TheUnwillingNarcheska --
'You can't ban them from having sex but you can hope that talking to them can help them realise that they feel grown up but they are not.'

From Dancergirl --
'it's about teaching teens that the age of consent is there for a reason and also that you can still have a close relationship without full sex at the moment.'

What I have posted is that she needs to stop thinking all is ok because the DD is now using a reliable contraceptive and because at least her DD is still talking to her and the clinic nurse thought they were a sweet couple.. I think a parent should be willing to risk being extremely unpopular with her children when something comes up that really matters. This is one of those things.

So any talk about respecting the choices of 14 year olds is, to me, both irresponsible and a head in the sand response that would raise eyebrows if it was drinking or doing drugs or deciding not to go to school any more that was the problem here. While some are determined not to accept it, there are many risks to sex so young, and as I have suggested, the choice to have this relationships indicates it is time to do some serious digging into the DD's life.

This is a really serious decision or choice the DD has made, apparently going against the OP's values and with the potential to scupper her academic ambitions too, and if she is truly unhappy about it then it should stop. Meanwhile the implant will hopefully save both of them from the immediate risk of pregnancy. *(And if the implant was inserted on a day not between day 1 and day 5 of her cycle she needs to continue using condoms for several weeks. She can call the clinic for clarification of how long if she doesn't already have advice on this aspect of affairs.).

Norah:
I think posters forget the intensity of teenage emotions
I don't think that is so.
I think some here are more realistic about teenage emotions than others and they also seem to take the role of parent more seriously and to feel less angst about the possibility of hurting their DCs' feelings. Having intense emotions is one thing but acting on them is another thing entirely. Parents have the job of helping teens keep things in perspective.
Another quote from Dancergirl says it better than I can:
14 year olds can and do seem very sensible and mature but as a parent you have to consider now just the now but the future of this relationship. That's the difference, a teenager will be thinking about how madly in love they are, a parent has the experience to look a bit further into the future.

So the options are, trying to talk her DD out of it; which she may or may not listen to; or physical restraint.

Assuming the OP doesn't want to use physical restraint or helicopter parenting and make everything pretty unbearable; she can try to talk her round. Which has a high likelihood of not working. She can try, but I'd say the odds are stacked against that.

I just think the whole thing is subject to luck. Luck on whether your DD meets someone they like enough, and at what age. I'm sure that there's a lot of smug parents out there believing that their DD waiting until after 16 is because of their good parenting. It may be that they've put the fear of God into them enough that they won't, that's true. Or could it be that they haven't met the 'right' boy for them yet; or more than that, they have and they just haven't told them?

I had a boyfriend at 16 who was older than me, and a lovely boy. He was 18. We met when I was 15. We did actually wait until a few months after I'd turned 16, but that was more because at that point we'd been together for 6 months and I felt like I trusted him enough. We stayed together for another 2 years. I didn't tell my mum I'd lost my virginity until I was 17 because I could not be bothered with the lectures and the 'disappontment'. Boring.

It was luck I didn't meet him earlier, because I would have had sex with him earlier too.

So would it be fair to summarise all of that as :

Make it clear you disapprove, various reasons, illegal and so on

Talk to her - motives, consequences

Keep her busy with family, friends and schoolwork

Do not allow her to go to her boyfriend's house if they are allowed in the bedroom unsupervised

Because honestly, it sounds like OP is already doing all that. So there's been days of debate that has really culminated in 'keep doing what you're doing' via lots of unkindness, criticism and 'it wouldn't happen to me'.

Yes nequid I would agree with that!

Sorry I haven't read every single reply; did the OP mention she'd spoken to the boyfriend's parents? I have a DS and I'd prefer to be made aware so I could have my own chat regarding the law, adequate protection and responsibility.

There are some posters here with their heads in the clouds! The 'would never happen to MY DC because I've done my job properly' is sadly misguided. Think on.

math

The OP seems to be doing all that you are asking of her, and as others have said that if she tackles this wrong she will drive them together or drive them away (possibly literally).

But

After you have analysed the dd and found that it not about societies ills, that she doesn't have low self esteem issues and that the Bf isn't coercing her, that she just wants sex what is your next step?

Willow Yes OP did speak to the BF's dad ages ago and asked that they not ever be allowed in his bedroom unsupervised when OP's DD is at his house. The dad agreed.

Unfortunately though the dad's is a (recent?) widow so has a huge amount on his plate at the moment, trying to raise three boys himself, and this is where it happened.

Agree with both Willow and Nequid here. Basically a load of insecure mums telling OP that this would never happen to them because they are much better parents, despite the fact that they are doing exactly what the OP is doing, and they can't get their head around the fact that their attitude means the LAST people their kids would tell if they were having underage sex, is them.

But ignorance is bliss, as they say.

I would just like to point out something re explaining that teenagers aren't emotionally ready for sex etc...
That was the attitude that my mum took. That sex as a teenager was BAD and will be emotionally too hard. She was using her experience as a teacher (you know the 'I've seen it again and again'). There was a lot if talk about me doing well at school and how important it was.
In contrast, I had my friends around me who had bfs and were happy and dealing with things really well indeed.
The result is that I develop a very unhealthy relationship to sex. Not in a 'let's have sex with everyone' but in a 'having sex is a dangerous affair that should be avoided'.
So yes it did well in my studies. But I look back aty teenage years and life as a young adult and I regret that I didn't enjoy them as I should have at that age.

My point is that laying down all the rules and how Bad it can be for the teenager etc etc can be not dissimilar to be not allowing your dd put on her own. There is no physical constrains as such. But the emotional and mental ones can be just as strong and damaging.
There is a need for balance there.

"that she just wants sex what is your next step?"

Actually math spelled out upthread what she would do, but again we have the attitude of sex and romance being an unstoppable force.

If your daughter decided she just wanted to drink vodka or take drugs on a regular basis, I'm sure there would be some going on, even if it did make her unhappy. Likewise if she were 12 and "just wanted sex".

The point upthread about "we usually put them on the implant" upthread is so telling, these girls are using an implant because they aren't mature organised or responsible enough to take daily contraception, but it's ok for them to be having sex, with all the responsibilities or consequences that may bring.

Also, the implant can have many side effects, but it's fine for girls to be exposed to them from a very young age, as what a 14/13/12 year old and the man who's having sex with her, wants is the most important thing here.

As long as you are a cool, liberal parent, nothing bad could possibly ever happen.

IPity - most people here are fully aware that the situation is far from ideal, and that 'bad things can happen'.

Reducing the likelihood of those bad things happening is what most of this thread's been about.

The steps math outlined have already been implemented by OP, so do you have anything constructive to add?

I keep hearing the 'what if she were 12, what if he was 20' argument. But she's not 12!!!!!!!! She started having sex at 14 and a half, not 13 as has been suggested - I have been told when it started, in a few months she will be 15 and he will be 16. That is a VERY different prospect to a 12 year old having sex, so much so that the safeguarding guidelines allow for this. And yes the clinic went through safeguarding and found no issues.

math thanks for your advice for using the implant correctly. Strangely enough the sexual health clinic covered this. In detail.

The "what if she were 12" argument is for those who claim that teenage sexual relationships are impossible to stop and pointless to disapprove of. So, I wondered if this would apply to a 12 year old too.

Also,because we've had people on here claiming to have had wonderful sex lives at 13, I wondered if there was any age where people would drop the cool parent act.

IPity do you think I am being a 'cool parent'???? Or just trying to be realistic about a less than a normal ideal situation.

I personally have not said a thing about teens having sex being great. I am just trying to be a pragmatist. To me personally 12 would be very different and I would certainly be doing all I could to stop it and possibly be looking at police involvement depending on the age of the boy. But Dd tells me this started in April when she would have been just over 14 and a half and Bf would have just turned 16. It's too young yes, but an 18 month age gap I don't think is so hugely unusual. There are nine years between DH and I, and I was sexually involved with him at 16. (and no I wasn't pressured and no I couldn't talk to my mum about it!!!)

Hmm - I think that me and Dh may be math's dream children. We both went to Oxbridge, we both played sport at a high level (I'm a "blue" at two sports FFS, he's an ex junior international).

But we both had boyfriends / girlfriends as teenagers and spent a lot of time sat on the sofa stroking hair / staring into each other's eyes / doing all the things that math seems to think is a terrible waste of time. And then we got to university, met each other and "wasted" even more time on each other.

Such a lovely, happy time. Not a waste. Nothing "missing" from our lives, no holes to fill (except that I wasn't district champion in my top sport - that was a big disappointment when I lost the final ), just teenagers enjoying being teenagers.

As an adult over achiever in my 30s I can now say with certainty what a load of absolutely bollocks most of the over achieving actually was. In the last few years several of my (equally overachieving) friends have been diagnosed with cancer, one has died , others have suffered other serious illnesses, there has been infertility, miscarriages and eptopic pregnancies. On the happier side there have been weddings and births and adoptions and christenings.

We have also had "work" and exam based achievements and disappointments but in comparison to the ones that matter they are so silly and petty I can't be bothered to mention them.

When I think back to my years pre 18 and my "5 happiest moments" they are:-

Getting the grades for Cambridge
Getting the offer for Cambridge
Telling my teenage boyfriend I loved him and him saying he loved me too
Getting through to the district final for my sport
My best friend telling me that I was an amazing friend and she was so lucky to have me.

Bit of a brain dump this - not really sure what the point is. Except that enjoying your life is the most important thing. And meeting someone and falling in love with them is very very enjoyable. As is getting 4 As at A level. So try and do both!

Oh and FWIW I had two medic (girl) friends at Cambridge. One lost her virginity at 14 and one at 21. They both ended up with 2.1s and are no both happily married. Who knows what it means......

IPityThePontipines

How are you gong to stop these teenagers from seeing each other?
Will you be keeping one of them home from school?
Ground them and put bars on the windows?
Chain them to the wall in the house?

Teenagers may not be unstoppable in your view but unless you are going to put them in a chastity device they are damn close.

Lincoln sorry I haven't read all the posts but I think it's great that your dd can talk to you about this!
I'd ignore all the negativity on this thread. Go with your dd to the doctors. Yes, don't facilitate it in your house but I'd avoid losing the good relationship you have. I would have liked to have that friendship with my mum.

It's also possible that DD will break up with bf.

And it's also possible that they will stay together for a while longer and continue to be 'successful.'

I think Maths and I have covered all the possible outcomes!

As for advice Lincoln; IMO the best thing you can do now is to continue encouraging your DD to carry on with her hobbies, school work and other friends and avoid giving the impression that you think your DD's relationship is more important than these other things. If you can try to be neither approving nor disapproving of their sexual activity your DD will have less reason to put more importance on it than if you came down heavily one way or the other. ie if any of her motivation is to either rebel or to demonstrate her maturity then she will see that neither is advanced by being sexually active. IYSWIM - I hope this doesn't sound patronising.

It's possible that the relationship will end before the year she takes her GCSE's and having had a bf, she feels happy to wait to have another bf until she's finished her exams. She might realise that it does take up a lot of time and thought and become cautious about starting up another relationship.

Who knows?

Very best of luck anyway. I hope it works out okay for her.

I'm not saying you do think her relationship is more important than anything else! Just that she might think you approve of it because of your help with contraception IYSWIM. Even though that's not the reason you've helped with it....

Erm, I use the implant because I couldn't trust myself to remember to take a pill every day.

I am 27, married and have a DC. Am I allowed to have sex? Or am I not mature enough because I can't remember to take my contraceptive?

The problem with the BF's dad is that he is a drunk, and not a recent widow but recently split from his wife or partner, and he has two teen sons.

Nequid:
IPity - most people here are fully aware that the situation is far from ideal, and that 'bad things can happen'.

Reducing the likelihood of those bad things happening is what most of this thread's been about.

One of the bad things to happen is imo is having sex in the first place when you are a young teen (something that apparently is not stoppable, teen emotions being what they are, and something every single teen girl is allegedly doing no matter what their mothers may think is going on.) Or perhaps it is only the daughters of parents who are not cool who have a boyfriend at 13 and are having sex at 14, all behind the parent's back, including the OP up until the first weekend of May.

If you don't agree that sex for young teens is a bad idea then IPity's repeated question becomes extremely appropriate and needs answering -- what age is too young?
Suppose a child has her period at age 9, 10 or 11 -- is that too young to embark on the allegedly life-enhancing experience of a sexual relationship with a boy who is a little older? Why is 12 too young, Lincoln, apart from the legal end of things? What if a 13 year old is rather immature for her age? What if an 11 year old has her life completely under control, plays a sport at a high level, plays the lead youth role in the local am dram play, and can cook a family meal and clear up afterwards, etc?

Reducing the likelihood of those bad things happening.. is what many people have posted about, but apparently only those who do not see young teen sex as a bad thing are to be taken seriously while the rest are to be mocked for their naivete and their approach mischaracterised as oppressive.

Meanwhile the word of a teen who has already been caught going behind her parent's back that the sexual relationship started in April when she was 14.5, despite the fact that the OP was worried about the lax supervision at the BF's home and despite the fact that she had observed all the BF's mooning over the DD in her sitting room, is accepted while the assurance of a parent that her DDs have not had sexual relationships at 14 is pooh poohed. Again the strange double standard here. Just because certain posters here had sexual relationships at 13 or because they knew other people who did doesn't mean everyone else must also be in the same boat.

As far as intervention or prevention goes, a good deal of the approach that has been suggested by the posters I quoted would be prophylactic as well as useful after the fact. Despite what is being suggested wrt unstopability, teens do pay attention to parents who try to impart their values.

This is not a matter of parents talking and children dutifully taking notes in one way 'conversations' that are explicitly focused on drugs or underage sex, etc. It is a matter of the general way parents and teens communicate back and forth over a broad range of issues; avoiding the "parent nags-demands ---> teen withdraws" (criticism/avoidance) dynamic is crucial if teens are going to listen or absorb a parent's values and norms. The overall pattern of communication across a broad range of things that comes up is what matters.

In other words, not sweating the small stuff can keep teens receptive. Explicit conversations are less important than ongoing socialisation between parent and teen. Parents can remain the key influence on their teens' norms, and can reduce or even eliminate the need for any explicit talks while increasing the likelihood that teens will listen if the need for an explicit talk arises.

There is no need for a chastity belt therefore, or the draconian approach it symbolises. A parent may be justifiably confident that this sort of socialisation of her children within her family will have the desired result and that her children will keep on talking to her.

I agree with IPity wrt the reasons the implant is preferred over condoms or the pill for young teens. It is also the reason the implant is often preferred for adults, but of course the stakes are much higher for young teens when they forget to take oral contraceptives or get swept away by passion and dispense with condoms.

And I also agree wrt the possible side effects including long term side effects, some of which I have mentioned. How much is too high a price to pay for this wondrous relationship?

Mumoftwoyoungkids, yes we all die eventually. So?

People are allowed to disagree with you math, and there comes a time when there are no new arguments to be made.

We all love our children, we all want what's best for them, and we all make decisions based on our own experiences. Time will tell who's right I guess, maybe all of us given that our DC are all individuals.

If the norm in your family culture is that teens will have sexual relationships at a young age then damage limitation is naturally going to be your primary focus and you may not feel there is any way to prevent this happening, or even that prevention is desirable.

If your family culture is different, then the approach you take to keep it so is also going to be part of your family culture, and the way you communicate will reflect that.