14 year old daughter having sex with boyfriend- eek!!

[lincolnshirelassy]

Over the weekend found condoms in my 14 year old daughter's bag, she has a boyfriend who she has been with a year, he's 16, there's 18 months between them. Asked daughter about it and she admitted she'd had sex with him, she had been afraid to approach me, I have talked to her all along about contraception, emotional side of sex etc but foolishly didn't think they were at that stage yet! Talking at length with her it seems they are sensible and had made a considered decision. She had been planning on going to the local clinic to see about the pill, I offered to go with her, she said her boyfriend had offered to go but she thinks she would like me to come.

I'm obviously not overjoyed about the whole situation, especially as I set boundaries in our house, they're not allowed upstairs with the door closed, I pop my head in every half an hour etc etc, and I'd spoken to her boyfriend's dad as he is a friend of the family and asked him to set similar rules but I just think he is pretty lax about it. I know I can't stop it but I don't want to be her enabler either! Should I get her on the pill? Should I ban visits to her boyfriend's house or would that just make them be more sneaky about it? He's a nice lad and seems to respect her, I don't think there was any pressure there but I hate them slavering all over them in my presence at have pulled them up on it a few times. I suppose what I'm saying is how do I set rules whilst still being approachable if she needs to talk to me? She's a good kid, we have no problems with school, doesn't drink or smoke like a lot of her friends do and overall is pretty mature and sensible, but still ,she's only 14....

So now there's a problem with my daughter's personality or development math???

haven't RTFT, and don't have a teen daughter (so know nothing about this subject really!!)

I do have a niece who started having sex with her then boyfriend at 14.

Everything is rosy in the garden now for your dd as she plays at being a grown up, but the emotional problems come if (more likely when?) the relationship ends after she has invested so much of herself in it.

My niece had a horrible time after her relationship ended after 2 years even though she was very open and honest with her mum at the time. She isolated herself, had suicidal feelings and ended up on AD's for a while and getting counselling. Her mum really regretted the way she handled it (allowed it to continue) and my niece said in hindsight she wasn't ready and wished her mum had stepped in (not sure how!).

I would genuinely be interested in what steps maths and others would take to stop it happening.

If we were to accept that you're right and there are terrible consequences ahead, what exactly would you do in OP's situation?

Not disapproving, or discussing, or questioning, because OP's done that already.

So never leaving them alone together? Never leaving dd home alone incase bf comes over? Taking to and from school, lifts to all activities and watching all activities to ensure she stays there? For how long? And just hoping she didn't end up hating you? And to what end, given that you're not preventing anything really because it's already happened?

Ha ha ha so math can bully and put down the OP countless times yet I am the one that gets deleted.

Nice one MNHQ basically you are saying bullying is ok as long as you do it consistently, repeating yourself over many many posts until the OP agrees with you that yes she is a shit mother

lincoln

I know that I am late to this 'party' but IMHO you're doing fantastically well with this.

Your DD and her BF now know that they can talk to you about this and have your support.

To some other posters

If the OP's DD wants sex she will find a way, it doesn't matter what rules you lay down, what talks you have or how many horror stories you put in front of them.

Sometime the only way to help is to actually listen and help.

nequidnimis
"I would genuinely be interested in what steps maths and others would take to stop it happening."

The problem is that the steps that maths and others would put in place are just stop gaps, (anecdotal) an old friend of mine had groundings, etc. put in place, it worked till she went to uni, then she went completely off the rails. She ended up dropping out and her parents disowning her.

(here is the unsurprising bit) She doesn't speak to her parents, is nc with them, yet she says that its the happiest she has ever been.

"And I agree most girls want a boyfriend. But most girls also feel they have to sexually satisfy boys to have one and are much less certain boys should sexually satisfy them, often trading sex for a relationship. And so it begins. This stuff isn't unproblematic."

Thank you Duolondon. The emotional aspect of relationships is so easily overlooked. Look at the trouble grown women on here have with relationships, yet for teens, everything is apparently rosy as long as no one gets pregnant. Look at the NSPCC study on teenage relationships, v high rates of DV.

I find it worrying that so many on here are singing the praises as to how wonderful it was having sex as a 13 or 14 year old. Is there any actually minimum age? If someone is saying they had sex at 11, or 12 and that was great for them,are we ok with that too?

As for the "teenagers are an unstoppable force" argument, this never gets used when drink, drugs, or school behaviour is mentioned, so why are sexual relationships different.

IMO, the laid back attitude towards girls having such "lovely" boyfriends from such a young age is more to do with society placing such importance on having/pleasing a man as being a major achievement.

Poor girls, never getting a chance to grow and develop for and by themselves.

So what should a parent do after discovering her dd is having a sexual relationship ipitythepontipines?

Nequid what should a parent do if they discovered their child had been taking drugs/truanting/drinking?

No one on here would shrug their shoulders about that, would they?

So what's that then?

Truanting - ask school for support and drive them to/from school.

Drink/drugs - spell out the dangers, withdraw money, seek professional support if appropriate, remove alcohol from house

Ipity Poor girls, never getting a chance to grow and develop for and by themselves

Well you could say the say x10 with regard to boys being exposed to porn.

math because teens can and do delude themselves and sometimes try to pull the wool over the eyes of their parents too for various reasons, and because parents have a responsibility to be smart and not suckers for sentimentality or fairy tales

But adults can delude themselves, or be unaware and in denial of aspects of their personality. The fact that you seem oblivious to this proves my point!!

Nequid - so you'd be the authoritative parent in those circumstances, but your underage daughter having sex is somehow an unstoppable force?

Would you still say the same if the man she was having sex with was 20? Or is that somehow more within your power to stop? Likewise if your daughter was 12. Would that be cool too?

Norah while porn can have many damaging effects, it doesn't get boys pregnant, give them STI's, cause them to curtail their lives "because they're in love" and generally take up as much headspace as a romantic relationship does, so not a good comparison.

Lincoln, I think you should be alert to all possibilities here.

I was referring to and paraphrasing Duplodon's comments:

"I really wouldn't be happy about such a young girl having sex because I am not sure with 14 year old girls it is often as straightforward as 'it feels good', or that this is a great reason to be having a sexual relationship at this age.

"I would work hard to manage my feelings about it, and talk very openly, non-judgementally and with curiosity to my kid about the function of sex in their life at that time. What function does it serve? What values does it serve? Eg being connected, being loving, closeness, intimacy, joy, passion, exploration.. Or... fitting in, avoiding loneliness, seeking independence, wanting maturity, meeting other's needs... I wouldn't put these words in her mouth, but I'd listen and explore and encourage most needs to be met also in other ways. Sex often feels as though it offers far more meaning than it does, especially to very young people. It's not that big a deal if it is a part of a rich, meaningful life.. But where it is a substitute for or serves to avoid discomfort or uncertainty about the self or connection to others it can be damaging.

"We always talked about stuff like this in our house in this way, right back when I was 11. There's nothing wrong with being explicit about morals, values and expectations in your home. Underage sex carries a lot of risks for girls in particular, that's unavoidable.

"And I agree most girls want a boyfriend. But most girls also feel they have to sexually satisfy boys to have one and are much less certain boys should sexually satisfy them, often trading sex for a relationship. And so it begins. This stuff isn't unproblematic."

What is going on here really needs to be teased out. If there are undercurrents of filling in any blanks, taking short cuts to security or maturity or social status, fitting in, meeting the needs of others or feeling she has to in order to secure the means of fitting in, or trying to feel connected or not to lose a connection already established, that pattern of imperatives can haunt a young woman and lead down many a dead end, relationship wise.

And wrt the boyfriend, I would want to know what he saw in a 13 year old girl when he was 15, and what was wrong with girls his own age.

IPity - it's not a situation I've ever had to deal with, but I'm trying to empathise with the OP and have offered advice rather than criticism. And I 'm genuinely interested in what you think a parent should do in that situation?

You raise some interesting points though. I think I would report the 20yo to the police. And I would surveil the 12yo 24/7. But I think I would treat an almost-15yo differently to a 12yo.

Boneyback -- Fwiw, I have never mentioned groundings, removal of phones, changing the wifi or anything else on this thread as a means of dealing with this situation.

the laid back attitude towards girls having such "lovely" boyfriends from such a young age is more to do with society placing such importance on having/pleasing a man as being a major achievement.
Poor girls, never getting a chance to grow and develop for and by themselves.
That aspect of this situation and the blowing off of that element in many of the sentimental comments here is one that deserves more notice. As a feminist parent I have tried to warn my DDs that there are many factors working against their success and there is no need to add to them. We have also had many fruitful conversations about the politics of sex and the politics of media and pressure from peers and advertising, and the values they see expressed both directly and subliminally in media, magazines, music, etc.

Yes poor boys, exposed to the idea that the bodies of women and girls are goods to be consumed, and gaining from using porn the feeling of entitlement to the bodies and sexual services of girls and women. It most definitely is an impoverished view of life. I wouldn't say it is 10x the impoverished view of life that girls acquire when they start to feel that having and keeping a boyfriend is important, at 14. Both approaches are pretty much equal in the damage they do to those who participate. Both embody a flight from real life and both present a poor imitation of relationships as the real thing. I would be very interested in the mental world the 16 year old boyfriend of a 14 year old inhabits.

I agree with this: while porn can have many damaging effects, it doesn't get boys pregnant, give them STI's, cause them to curtail their lives "because they're in love" and generally take up as much headspace as a romantic relationship does, so not a good comparison.

It is the curtailing of lives that does huge damage, and the willingness to do that to themselves for the sake of a relationship with a boy is the problem that needs addressing.

mathanxiety

I didn't say that you did, others have.

It is good that you have warned your daughters of the many factors surrounding this, but you have forgotten one thing. That sometimes it not just the boys that want sex, sometimes its the girl that is the driving force behind it.

We usually try and get implants in the younger girls as it's less worrying all round. It's good she told you, she could have denied it and blamed the condoms on a friend or something. She will be assessed through safeguarding at the clinic, we don't usually allow parents in the consultation by the way. Him being 16 is not great but as she is not under 13 nothing major will come of it, she sounds able to consent if she is mature and sensible. At least you can make sure she is preventing pregnancy this way, condoms aren't safe enough anyway. It's more common than ever to see girls your daughters age in clinic ,usually not as sensible as yours though, hope all goes well.

So how would you stop this continuing math?

What I have really tried to say here is why does a girl of 14 want sex.

I would start with the assumption that there is a lot going on mentally and emotionally surrounding sex and it is not a simple proposition of girl wants sex - girl gets sex. There are all sorts of factors both internal (emotional, psychological) and external (wider culture and local culture) that go into making the leap from 'girl wants sex' to 'girl gets sex', even if we are to accept that this may happen.

It might not hurt to figure out why it was it important for this girl to have a boyfriend at 13.

Okay, that's great. And I appreciate your comprehensive posts on this; they've been eye opening and concise.

But how would you stop this? How would you get a satisfactory resolution to this situation?

Christ, what a vile thread. Cannot believe the amount of shite being spouted on here. Math I always used to think highly of yours a poster but what a horrible side I've seen on this thread, I have literally been reading with my mouth open, unnecessarily vicious. Btw, your DDs are probably having sex already.

Lincoln you are handling this very sensibly. You are an amazing mum and your DD is lucky she can talk to you about it unlike the unfortunate DC of those on here

Sorry, that was in response to BoneyBack.

It is possible that loss of the thrill of being secretive will make the sexual relationship lose part of its attraction.

It is possible that the DD will be dumped by the boy. Summer is coming up after all. Many a relationship gets scuppered when school breaks up for summer and teens socialise more, in skimpier clothes than they wear to school, and many are out later in the evenings with nothing much to do with themselves other than poach each others' boyfriends/girlfriends. Or if conquest was a motive for the BF, summer brings with it the opportunity for that, with the same potential result for the relationship.

It is possible the DD will get poorer results in her exams than she had hoped for and may start to question her priorities if this relationship has been taking up a lot of her headspace. This is unlikely, as a lot of girls are willing to adjust their ambitions rather than steering away from a relationship and all the mental and emotional investment that goes along with it.

The implant sometimes has the effect of reducing libido so the DD herself may get fed up of the boyfriend's attentions. It can also result in moodiness, acne, weight gain, weight loss, hair loss, painful periods, nausea, flatulence, depression, and obsessive behaviour/stalkiness, among others, and problems in the relationship can happen because of these changes.

*(If she is using Nexplanon, hopefully she had it inserted between day 1 and day 5 of her cycle. If not then she needs to continue to use condoms for several more weeks. They probably explained all of this at the clinic.)

At this point though, I would be trying to figure out what is behind it all and taking it from there. If it seems that there have been assumptions attached to a sexual relationship or having a boyfriend that are unhealthy or unrealistic, or an unhealthy/low level of self esteem at play then those are the elements to tackle, and the rest may fall into place. There is not much you can do about the culture surrounding you except to help her see its various elements and work on making her immune to the pressures. As Duplodon suggests, there is nothing wrong with conversation about values and aspirations.

'Btw, your DDs are probably having sex already.'
Thanks for the heads up. We have covered this ground before.