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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Coping with adult women now turning attention to DS

113 replies

ang1967 · 29/03/2015 00:24

DS has always been cute (yes every mother says that I know) with big blue eyes and scruffy brown hair but he always drew attention from adult women from about age 14 upwards. Now he is 19 nearly 20 and I am increasingly aware of uncomfortable attention from women my age...

Factor in that he is not particularly tall or muscly; facially he looks more like James McAvoy than.. the Rock or Hulk Hogan per se... which makes him look younger than he is...

Am I being paranoid here or is this creepy?

OP posts:
HagOtheNorth · 29/03/2015 13:06

No, I don't Horace.
I dislike manipulation and unrequited lust aimed at an inexperienced person by a more experienced and much older person, whatever the gender or sex of the individuals concerned. Especially when pressure is applied to go further than the youndger person wants to, and they don't have the skills or experience to know what to do and how to stop it.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/03/2015 13:10

To me, it depends on who is giving the attention.

A friend of mum's who has known the boy since he was young - yes, that's incredibly icky and I wouldn't blame her for being annoyed by that. I suspect that's the category the wedding 'flirting' fell into and I'd be annoyed by that.

Drunk older women on a hen night - I don't think age even comes into it, it's drunk people being pains in the arse. OP's son obviously shrugs that off, OP should probably learn to do so too.

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2015 13:10

IMO it all depends on how he handles it or is affected by it.

Italiangreyhound · 29/03/2015 13:10

I think you are not being unreasonable and I would be equally protective of my children (once they are teens or late teens) if anyone - male or female - was giving them unwanted attention (I have one girl and one boy).

If it were my friends or DH's friends, who were giving the unwanted attention) I would tell them (quietly) that this is not appropriate and I was not happy with it. I don't think it is unreasonable to say that . If it is just a bit of fun a TRUE friend would stop when they realised it was upsetting and if it was because a friend really did have designs on them they would need to chose whether to pursue attempting (a possibly futile) relationship with my child or being friends with me, not both.

Can you talk to your son? About this? See if he is aware of it, see how he feels? If he is uncomfortable then maybe you can help him work out a polite way to steer thse women away from him, and how to react if anyone does overstep the line into aggressive behaviour. This is what I would do for either ds or dd at an appropriate age.

Just (IMHO) make sure your agenda is helping him navigate this time and not simply about your own embarrassment or uncomfortable with people being attracted to him, because IMHO it is not fair to put tht onto him.

YonicScrewdriver · 29/03/2015 13:11

DailyFail, there is no such offence as statutory rape in the UK.

OP, i would find it weird if friends of mine and relatives who had known him since he was young were interested - but I'm surprised that a hen do would bother you so much unless your DS seemed intimidated?

TheFairyCaravan · 29/03/2015 13:12

I've got a 20yo son. I wouldn't like the idea of women my age flirting and leering at him, or going futher than that with him. I wouldn't like the idea of a 44 yo man flirting with a 20 yo woman either. I find it quite creepy, tbh.

BitOfFun · 29/03/2015 13:16

I never fail to be astonished by the level of some posters' capacity for obtusely taking offence over an issue they patently have zero understanding of. I suppose I shouldn't be.

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2015 13:16

Yes, I think we can all agree that huge age gaps make us feel uncomfortable, but I thought the question was how the OP could deal with the attention her son is getting? Confused

Fwiw, I have an aunt who eloped when she was 16 with her then 37 year old fiancé - they got married in Gretna Green and are still together some 50+ years later. The family was appalled at the time - understandably. But at the end of the day there was nothing they could do and, in this case, it turned out fine. Well, other than that she now has a very much more frail husband to look after, but that's another story.

HagOtheNorth · 29/03/2015 13:16

flirty/PITA/sex pest/sexual predator.
It's one of those unfortunate learning curves for an adult, deciding when it becomes more than you are prepared to tolerate and when it becomes uncomfortable or scary. The point is different for everyone and it's something your mum can't tell you.

HoraceCope · 29/03/2015 13:21

Am I being paranoid here or is this creepy?

was the OP's question.

i dont think you are being paranoid OP.

HoraceCope · 29/03/2015 13:23

A boy i know who is 19 nearly 20, known him since he was 6 but not seen him for some years. He is now gorgeous. DS has another friend who is also gorgeous.
they are a no go.

I guess if I was out with other women having a drink I might flirt, as long as I didnt know them or their mothers!

HoraceCope · 29/03/2015 13:24

but i dont leer or perve anyway.

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2015 13:26

Yes, it is creepy but also, whether we like it or not, part of life.

I am an old gimmer, but I remember the unwanted attention from when I was about 11. Yes, I developed early, but that just made it worse: body of a woman, mind of a child.
The only thing my parents could do (and did do) was to give me the tools and the confidence to stand up for myself.

By the time I was 19 (and was waitressing) I could handle unwanted attention quite nicely Grin, and what my parents made of it did not come in to it.

That's why I feel it depends more on how the OP's DS is handling the attention than her feeling of distaste - understandable as it is.

Sparklingbrook · 29/03/2015 13:33

As the Mum of two teens, this has never crossed my mind. When they are adults I hope they can deal with any unwanted attention from anyone whatever their age.
I also accept that it will have nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Timetoask · 29/03/2015 13:51

That is really creepy op, maybe the best thing to do is to tell him upfront about what might be happening and prepare him to stop engaging.

oneowlgirl · 29/03/2015 14:07

I'm with you Op - seems very creepy to me. My DSs are much younger (oldest is 8) but I'd be very weirded out if my friends started flirting with any of them as they got older & I'd definitely be telling them where to go if they did act inappropriately with any of them.

One of my DHs friends was propositioned by a friend of his mums when he was 16 (he was & is particularly good looking - could easily be a model) & she kept hitting on him for years until he moved out of home (she would be round a lot & always did it when his mum left the room). He never told his parents as he was afraid of their reaction & didn't want any hassle as she was married, but he certainly didn't like it & felt very uncomfortable in his own home when she was there. This is completely unacceptable & just because it happens more to females, doesn't make it ok when it happens to males.

[Although random drunk flirting is par for the course regardless of people's age, so not a lot you can do there!]

cosytoaster · 29/03/2015 14:18

I think if it's not bothering him you should stop thinking about it - end of.

DailyFailSideBarOfShame · 29/03/2015 14:44

Yonic so it would be just rape then? If the roles were reversed and the very willing consenting 15 yo girl lost her virginity to the 40 yo male next door neighbour, but in this case as the minor who was 'seduced' was a boy, it's….what, exactly?

YonicScrewdriver · 29/03/2015 14:52

Hmm, not sure.

I agree with you that it is not meaningful consent that a 15 year old can give to a 40 year old) - but I think in the UK this isn't "automatically" rape without further question (which I think is the case for the statutory rape in the US)

Perhaps we should have a statutory rape provision in the UK.

HagOtheNorth · 29/03/2015 15:19

'When they are adults I hope they can deal with any unwanted attention from anyone whatever their age.
I also accept that it will have nothing whatsoever to do with me.'

It will when they come home upset, embarrassed or pissed-off and want to rant or unload on you. DS had to deal with the angry response of one woman when he told her to fuck off grabbing him and got a stream of homophobic abuse from her, with mockery.

Sparklingbrook · 29/03/2015 15:21

Oh in that case I am totally wrong then Hag.

HagOtheNorth · 29/03/2015 15:27

Not totally wrong at all Sparkling, just don't think that you are not going to be involved if they can't deal with something. Smile
At least DS didn't respond physically, he walked off.

Sparklingbrook · 29/03/2015 15:30

I think I will be as involved as I need to be TBH, it is quite possible that no such incidents will occur, or it won't be me they come to to unload on for that matter.

I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it, as I have no idea where DS will even be when he's 19/20.

HagOtheNorth · 29/03/2015 15:41

Nobody does really, playing it by ear is the best way that I know.

Original poster
ang1967 · 29/03/2015 17:29

Thank you.. your advice has all been useful

OP posts:
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