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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Coping with adult women now turning attention to DS

113 replies

ang1967 · 29/03/2015 00:24

DS has always been cute (yes every mother says that I know) with big blue eyes and scruffy brown hair but he always drew attention from adult women from about age 14 upwards. Now he is 19 nearly 20 and I am increasingly aware of uncomfortable attention from women my age...

Factor in that he is not particularly tall or muscly; facially he looks more like James McAvoy than.. the Rock or Hulk Hogan per se... which makes him look younger than he is...

Am I being paranoid here or is this creepy?

OP posts:
SolasEile · 29/03/2015 02:30

At 14 or 15, I would have worried, yes, but at almost 20 years old you'll have to let it go. There would be nothing stopping him having a relationship with an older woman if he wanted to. At least you can console yourself with the knowledge that these older women don't pose a threat to his safety unlike a 20 year old woman being targeted by creepy drunk old men. Can he laugh it off or assert himself or does it unsettle him too?

soontobemumofthree · 29/03/2015 02:30

Is it disgusting for a 20 yr old and a 41yr old to have sex?

Inertia · 29/03/2015 02:34

I can't imagine that many 21 year olds have the ability to see 20 years into the future.

Presumably you and his father have taught your son enough social skills that he can reject unwanted advances in a safe and reasonable manner. He's unlikely to face the same level of physical threat that a young woman of 19 might face when rejecting advances from men.

To be honest though, he is an adult and he does have the right to a relationship with any other consenting adult of his choice. It isn't really your place to approve- it's his decision to make.

Original poster
ang1967 · 29/03/2015 02:37

The issue isn't whether he can handle it. He is mentally and socially fine. The issue here is me finding it disgusting

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 29/03/2015 02:42

Let's explore that a bit then.

Do you think you are having difficulty letting him go? Do you think you are finding his independence a challenge?

Original poster
ang1967 · 29/03/2015 02:49

Yes...

Don't most mums a bit...? Don't worry I'm not obsessive, at least not offline

OP posts:
Original poster
ang1967 · 29/03/2015 02:50

soontobemumofthree

do you want your DS or DD having sex with someone you went to school with?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 29/03/2015 03:18

I'm not worried that you're obsessive! But I do think you sound a bit anxious without real foundation.

The fact is that by virtue of being a man, your son is unlikely to ever really experience older women's attraction to him as exploitative. On the balance of probabilities, he won't be physically forced into a traumatic sexual encounter.

There are plenty of examples of age gap relationships which work out, and where they are abusive, they're still more common in an older man/younger woman scenario. And I say that as the child of parents with 18 years between them, who've been married 50 years.

If he genuinely wants to date older women, he will, to no detriment to himself. If he doesn't, he won't, no matter how much attention they pay him.

Honestly, ask yourself why this is troubling you so much? He doesn't seem to be in any danger.

Snappingcrayons · 29/03/2015 03:26

The ageism on this thread is shocking.

Original poster
ang1967 · 29/03/2015 03:31

I guess you're right. It's just its being going on since he was literally a boy and now it feels like they won

OP posts:
Diamondjoan · 29/03/2015 04:02

How does your son feel about it? A lot of boys that age would be happy to have sex with as many of these women as put themselves his way. If all parties are happy with the arrangement that's fair enough, they're consenting adults, as much as it displeases you.
If it creeps HIM out that's another matter.

Coyoacan · 29/03/2015 05:03

How have they won?

glittertits · 29/03/2015 10:24

its still disgusting. imagine being 21 years old and knowing you would bed someone who hasn't been born yet

OP, it is not your place to judge somebody else's sex life as disgusting. Keep your nose out.

Nanny13 · 29/03/2015 11:01

OP.. U really need to get over yourself

KissesBreakingWave · 29/03/2015 11:04

Well, longer ago than I care to think on, I was that pretty teenage boy. The cow-eyed flirting was by turns amusing and annoying.

You might want to advise him that they're uniformly awful people with whom a relationship longer than a single night is a really bad idea (not my own personal experience: my younger brother had a moment of weakness that lasted about six months and ended in Total Emotional Disaster, not that we're still taking the piss nearly twenty years later). And - I strongly suspect, I never responded but the once and it was something of a special case - they'll mostly flee in terror if he responds, too. It's largely about trying to get an embarrassed reaction, bit of a power trip.

ShatnersBassoon · 29/03/2015 11:10

I think it's a bit strange to to have any preference for who your adult children have sex with. If there is no threat to their wellbeing, it is absolutely none of your business. Age difference is probably one of the least worrying factors I can think of off the top of my head.

Millipedewithherfeetup · 29/03/2015 11:26

Have read this thread and wonder what the reactions would be if this was a 19 or 20 year old girl getting this attention, i think the reactions would be different. I fully understand the op concerns!

HoraceCope · 29/03/2015 11:29

that happens to my DS,
I dont like it.
One of the women that became very friendly with him is probably 40, he does work behind the bar and gets accosted.
he laps up the attention.

HoraceCope · 29/03/2015 11:30

A colleague told me how they rescued their son from the house of a woman old enough to be his mother Shock
well I wouldnt go that far

just bide your time op and hope sense prevails

LaurieFairyCake · 29/03/2015 11:41

Yes I think it's horribly inappropriate and if 45 year old men were propositioning 19 year old DD I'd tell them to go away.

If it happened to a DS I would do the same.

I'm not keen on you calling them "drunk cows" but my language about men hitting on DD would be equally horrible like "dirty old bastards".

I don't agree it's the same but it's still inappropriate.

(I dont agree it's the same because the leering at of young women and the everyday sexism that they endure is far worse than what young men suffer from older women as it reinforces patriarchal society and this idea that we're just fucking sexual toys to be leered at)

WyrdByrd · 29/03/2015 11:48

If your son is able to cope with the attention and it's not having a detrimental impact on him, then I'm afraid you just need to get over it.

He may be a teenager, but he's also an adult - it may be irritating on the rare occasions you're out with him, but rightly or wrongly there's nothing you can do about it.

HagOtheNorth · 29/03/2015 11:50

Yes, it is disconcerting, and even when they are young adults you still want to protect them from being exploited or emotionally manipulated.
I've got a DD and a DS, we have numerous conversations and chats about this sort of thing, with anecdotes and strategies being shared in various conbinations. DD is older than DS, who is 20. His Asperger's makes him more naive than the average 20 year old, and he's learnt a lot from her.
I've found that being open to listening and talking is the most useful strategy, and both of them are getting better at spotting red flags in all of their relationships, sexual or friendships or work.
He's an adult, he'll make many mistakes all his life, we all do. It's one of the scary things about parenting....you can't live their lives for them or stop all the dangers, and you shouldn't try.

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2015 11:56

Your language is a bit worrying tbh: he 'belongs' to girls his own age, 'they have won' - what on earth?

I am a middle-aged mother of sons, my eldest is only 12 and already I can see him turning from a soft-faced boy to the handsome young man that he will be soon.
Of course it would make me feel weird if one of my friends made sexual advances towards him in the future, but I would just have to find a way to make my peace with it, wouldn't I?

Is your son at all bothered? Or even aware of this attention?

There are many relationships with 20+ year age differences, admittedly usually the woman being the younger.

I agree it all sounds terribly ageist and tbh I find your interest in what other people might think about your son a bit unhealthy.

seriouslypeedoff · 29/03/2015 12:14

If it was drunk girls his own age acting in the same way, would it be ok?

MymumisaG · 29/03/2015 12:17

What a very strange post! Why do you think you should control or have any say in who flirts with your adult son?? I've got a 19 year old ds who works in a bar who often gets older women trying to chat him up. He thinks it's sometimes annoying but usually funny! Good grief, Mumsnet just gets weirder and weirder .....