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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Found plan b in daughter's room. What to do now?

86 replies

teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 16:40

Hi all,
I'm a newbie here, so please bear with me!
Today, I was putting clothes by in dd's room, she is 16. I opened one of the drawers to put socks away and at the bottom seen something sticking out. I rummaged around and pulled out a box of the morning after pill. I looked inside and there was none in it,. This was about an hour ago and I am shocked and feel physically sick to my stomach.
Dd has being going out with her boyfriend for 5ish months now and they spend a lot of time with each other. I've always been open to her and made it very clear that she can approach me with any question or problem she may have. I guess in a sense I was being naive in thinking that she wouldn't have sex just yet.

She is currently at hockey practice and will be home in an hour, I would really appreciate some advice on how to tackle this. I realise i can't stop her having sex but surely I have the right to know and ensure that she is being safe and using protection?

Many thanks :)

OP posts:

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 24/03/2015 16:43

You don't do anything! You violated her privacy and have no moral leg to stand on.

ssd · 24/03/2015 16:45

FFS, no moral leg to stand on, shes her mother!!

op, try to stay calm and wait till the right time to talk about this

and good luck!!

NerrSnerr · 24/03/2015 16:45

You don't have the right to know. It's her body. If she wants to talk to you about it she can approach you.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 24/03/2015 16:46

So what if she is her mother ssd? That doesn't give her the right to rummage around in her daughter's drawers.

Fairylea · 24/03/2015 16:47

As she's 16 I don't think there is too much you can do but you can certainly start a conversation about safe sex and if she knows you put stuff away in her room you can mention you saw the packet - I would. If she knows you go in her room and saw it putting stuff away I think it's fair to mention it in a non judgemental way and just ask if everything is okay.

LaurieFairyCake · 24/03/2015 16:47

If it's normal for you to put clothes in her drawer it's possible she wanted you to see it.

I would tell her Id seen it when I was putting her socks away and ask her if she wants to go to the family planning for regular contraception (ours has a special teen evening and parents/carers don't go - very teen friendly) ask her if she was ok and say if she did want to talk to me then she could. Light and friendly

And I would say that I'm going to leave your washing on the bed just in case she would rather it was private.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/03/2015 16:48

Nope, no right to know, and I appreciate you say you're putting socks away, but perhaps just lay stuff on her bed/outside her door in future?

By all means use this discovery to have another chat about safety etc. But don't mention in the chat what you have found. Keep the door fir communication open wide with her.

Original poster

teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 16:49

Surely I have the right to know whether she is being safe and using protection. I don't want her being frivolous and thinking she doesn't have to use a condom because she can just go and get MAP. As her mother, understandably, I don't want to end up pregnant or with a bloody sti. ssd thank you, it's hard to stay calm, but I'll try my best

OP posts:

BaronessEllaSaturday · 24/03/2015 16:51

Surely I have the right to know whether she is being safe and using protection

No you don't have the right to know. You can discuss safe sex with her but it is her body and her choice and if she does not want to discuss it with you then that is also her choice.

lemonyone · 24/03/2015 16:51

I'm with laurieFairycake.

I'm afraid the genie has been let out of the bottle on this one as far as sex is concerned. If she has a BF for 5 months I guess it would be naive to think she wasn't having sex. You don't sounds 'hysterical' about it, more like a person who didn't think they would have to deal with this so soon.

I would come clean that you accidentally found this, and just say that you are there for her if she needs help with choices.
Your DD may initially feel very trapped and deny-y, as I would have felt, so try and keep it light if you don't want her to shut down on you.

Original poster

teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 16:52

I appreciate everyones point of view! I feel I should make clear, that the box was half covered, half sticking out. Maybe rummage was the wrong word to use.

OP posts:

lemonyone · 24/03/2015 16:52

Yep, I'm with the others.
At 16 you have no 'right' to know, but you have the right to be concerned and to keep things open with her.

NerrSnerr · 24/03/2015 16:52

You can want to know that she's practicing safe sex, but legally you don't have the right to know.

As pp said, use this to talk about safe sex but I wouldn't tell her you found the box.

Pagwatch · 24/03/2015 16:52

I think how you proceed is going to depend upon your deciding what exactly you want to achieve.

What do you want to achieve?

If you want to convey your emotions - upset, worry etc - then I am not sure you can do anything that will have a good result.

If you want to try and talk to you daughter to reassure her that she can talk to you and you want to support her, then organise those thoughts before you approach her

Ultimately we can only give our teenagers our best advice and reassurance of our unconditional love. I think I would raise it in that context.

Honeypot1 · 24/03/2015 16:52

Didn't want to read and run. Having 2 DD I can empathise, but mine are VERY small so have no direct experience! But I was a young girl once and know I had intercouse with my then BF, & although my parents were really supportive I was too immature to know how to say; tonight's the night, mum IYSWIM (I'm not sure I would ever want to hear that actually?!)

I'd like to think she would come home and we could talk about it calmly. Say from the outset she's not in trouble, but you'd like to know why 1) she wasn't prepared for intercourse (worst case being that she didn't want to ) and assuming it was consensual, that 2) why did she hide this incredibly grown up subject from you? If she now sees herself as a woman it is appropriate for you both to act assertively, treating each other with respect. If this is to become a regular occurrence is she aware of the risks non-barrier protection can bring?

And finally, do you know the BF? Is it the intercourse, the choice of partner or the fact she's hidden from you that hurts you most?

If you have time, sit and work out exactly why this bothers you & workout how you can deliver the valid reasons for your concerns assertively.

Best of luck, this is big one!

Gileswithachainsaw · 24/03/2015 16:53

Maybe write a note saying how you found the pills and won't mention it unless she's ready to talk, and explain that she can talk to you about anything and if she would like you to give her some money or buy condoms them to ask.

???

Cathpot · 24/03/2015 16:53

If she needed the MAP she has had unprotected sex, or possibly had a condom fail and is being careful. I would absolutely talk to my DD in this situation. You can approach it from the worried about her taking precautions angle and if the conversation stays calm it might open up a channel of communication because the fact they have slept together is now out of the bag. I do understand the privacy issue but you weren't combing through her diary you found out by accident. It is possible to have a positive loving and helpful conversation here. Maybe give yourself some time to get your head round it?

Original poster

teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 16:55

Thanks lemonyone, I guess I don't want my little girl to grow up and now is just the time to face reality. I will keep the lines of communication open and if she wants to talk then she can but I will emphasise the need for protection and keeping safe to her :)

OP posts:

TheRealMaryMillington · 24/03/2015 16:55

You don't "have the right" to know anything, but being pedantic aside, don't whatever you do say anything like that to her!

You do, I agree, have the responsibility to support her to be doing whatever she's doing as safely as possible.

Laurie has good advice. Keep it light, and potentially let yourself calm down and find the right moment. i.e. not the minute she walks in the door.

lemonyone · 24/03/2015 16:56

I certainly wouldn't hide the fact that you've seen Plan B in the drawer. If you do, any advice you give after that will probably have a 'leakage' of guilt/nervousness/falseness overlying it as she will probably figure out you found it and trust you even less.

I'd explain about the socks, apologise and tell her you'll leave her clothes on the bed in future and then talk about how to make sure she's a bit safer in future.

lemonyone · 24/03/2015 16:58

Good luck. I hope I'm as calm as you are being when this happens to my DD in a couple of years time.

Original poster

teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 17:00

Thank you to all the advice so far, I didn't realise I would get so many replies so quickly. Honeypot1 I've met him a fair amount of times, he is a confident/ jack the lad sort, but seems to genuinely care about dd. Definietely going to have a relaxed chat about protection and the importance of it, I'm also considering putting her on the pill, I feel like a can of worms has been open and I need to be on top of things and make sure she is as safe as possible.

OP posts:

frog51 · 24/03/2015 17:02

At least by getting the morning after pill, she has had some foresight into avoiding an unwanted pregnancy, albeit it not the best method though. So, congratulate yourself on raising a daughter to think responsibly in this day and age..it is something not all of us manage to do. She is 16 and able to do whatever she is doing without your knowledge or consent at all so, if I were in your shoes, I think I would just try and offer some advice on reliable birth control and protection from STDs. Better to keep her onside and feeling able to talk to you than alienating her and doing the opposite just because she can! Hope it all works out for you both x

Fairenuff · 24/03/2015 17:02

I would just tell her what you told us OP. Just say that you were putting some clothes away and saw the MAP box. Ask her if she wants to talk about it. Remind her than condoms are important for sexual health and should be used at all times.

Tell her that you are always available for a chat if she wants to talk at a later time. Give her some time and space to think about what she wants to say to you (if anything).

Don't be cross, don't judge and don't lecture.

bloodyteenagers · 24/03/2015 17:04

It doesn't mean she is not using protection.
I have taken the Map. I was on the pill, had a severe case of d&v that lasted 4 days. Few days later I had sex, we used a condom which split and not wanting to take a chance that the pill was ok, I took the map.

But no you don't have the right to know anything medical about her. She may be your little girl still, but you have to accept that she is growing up.

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