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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Found plan b in daughter's room. What to do now?

86 replies

teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 16:40

Hi all,
I'm a newbie here, so please bear with me!
Today, I was putting clothes by in dd's room, she is 16. I opened one of the drawers to put socks away and at the bottom seen something sticking out. I rummaged around and pulled out a box of the morning after pill. I looked inside and there was none in it,. This was about an hour ago and I am shocked and feel physically sick to my stomach.
Dd has being going out with her boyfriend for 5ish months now and they spend a lot of time with each other. I've always been open to her and made it very clear that she can approach me with any question or problem she may have. I guess in a sense I was being naive in thinking that she wouldn't have sex just yet.

She is currently at hockey practice and will be home in an hour, I would really appreciate some advice on how to tackle this. I realise i can't stop her having sex but surely I have the right to know and ensure that she is being safe and using protection?

Many thanks :)

OP posts:
HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 24/03/2015 17:06

I know that you said you didn't rummage, but I know that my mum did, when I was a teenager. Knowing that she had looked through my things made me never open up to her about anything to do with my relationships or sex or anything. And I still don't. There are loads of things that I would have really liked to have shared with her over the years, but I haven't felt able to get over that breach of trust. And we have a great relationship in other ways.

I understand that you're concerned. And worried. But tread very carefully.

NerrSnerr · 24/03/2015 17:06

Please don't tell her 'you're putting her on the pill'. By all means talk to her and offer to support her in that if it's what she wants but it is her decision, not yours.

SylvaniansAtEase · 24/03/2015 17:08

I'm also considering putting her on the pill

  • if you even think that you have the right to dictate that to a 16 year old, I am not that surprised that she has not taken you up on your offer of a conversation about safe sex.

You seem to think you are dealing with a child here - you are not. You really are not. You need to understand that and honestly respect it if you are going to maintain good relations with her on this.

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 24/03/2015 17:11

I think you should talk to her. If she knows that you put her clothes away, she can't be that bothered about you finding the morning after pill.
I would just gently tell her you found it by accident and ask her if she wants to discuss anything and have a talk about safe sex. Good Luck

malefridgeblindness · 24/03/2015 17:11

Reassure her.

Tell her you found the plan B while putting socks away, tell her to make sure she takes steps to avoid STIs and tell her that you realise she's 16 and has a private life of her own but you'll always be there for her in need and she can come and talk to you about anything. I would mention the different contraception options - LARC may be more suitable for her than the pill or condoms.

Original poster
teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 17:14

SylvaniansAtEase I suggest you read through the thread again, because I did not ever say that "she did not take me up on my offer of safe sex". We have had many open discussions in the past where she has asked me questions and I have given her honest answers and advice. Excuse me for being concerned about my daughters well being.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 24/03/2015 17:14

Whether you write in a note as Giles suggests, or go in and say it privately, keep it just that simple. Don't try to force a conversation about it right there and then. Just express your concern, and leave the ball in her court.

At the moment, all you know is she had unprotected sex/condom fail once, and that she was mature enough to deal with it rather than go into denial. This is GOOD. if she was smart enough to do put the thought and effort into locating Plan B, she may well be smart enough to be better prepared in future. (If you get the chance to say well done, do. It would have been so easy for her to stick her head in the sand, even here in the UK where a teen only needs ask for Plan B!)

Also: be prepared to find her having sex and needing the Plan B is not related to the current boyfriend. It may pre-date him, much as you don't want to think that.

Original poster
teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 17:15

*safe sex discussion

OP posts:
Dumbledoresgirl · 24/03/2015 17:19

I can only answer as if this had happened with my dd (who is 15).

Firstly, I can't believe there are those saying you should not be opening her drawers to put clothing away! And suggesting you leave the clothes at the door?! That is certainly not something I would consider saying to you. Searching around in their private things is not on but putting away clothes is entirely another matter imo.

But that aside, if it were my dd, I think I would have to mention that I had come across the packet when putting away her socks. I agree with a pp that, putting the packet there and knowing that you are in the habit of putting her clothes away, does suggest that she may have wanted you to find it.

Personally - and this is personal to me - I would not want my dd using MAP as a means of contraception except as an emergency one off so I would try to talk to dd about getting herself sorted with something else instead.

I agree that I wouldn't like to think of my dd having sex at such a young age but she is above the age of consent and I think you have to respect that. Of course you don't stop being her mother, so your aim should be to guide her, if necessary (you may find she is using condoms and one split, hence the MAP - in which case, she acted responsibly and very sensibly, don't you think?) towards a better form of contraception. Whatever you do, don't jump in with disapproval. Your role has to be supportive.

Original poster
teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 17:21

Thank you for all the helpful advice. I feel like I haven't put myself across in the best of ways, I've been all over the place due to the shock of it. I will advise her that because she is now sexually active then it would probably be best if she went on some form of contraception. I will make it very clear that I am not angry or disappointed at her maybe just a little shocked that everything has happened so quickly and I will emphasise to her how I am always here for her.

OP posts:
Rivercam · 24/03/2015 17:22

I feel very ignorant. When I read the title, I initially thought it was referring to the pop group Plan B! Then wondered whether it was referring to drugs, as Plan B (the pop group) aren't a cringe-worthy band. I didn't know there was a morning-after pill called plan B.

Can't offer much advice. However, I think if I was in your situation, I would mention I found the pills whilst putting the socks away, and invite her to have a discussion about it /contraception/consensual sex if she wanted it. If poss, stay calm, and be receptive to her talking. She may feel embaressed and not want to talk, or talk later once she has digested that you know the truth. (Easier said then done)

Do you always put the socks away? If so, she may have wanted you to find the pills, and iniatiata a discussion.

Hope it goes well.

Rivercam · 24/03/2015 17:23

Just read your update. It sounds a good plan.

Momagain1 · 24/03/2015 17:27

Firstly, I can't believe there are those saying you should not be opening her drawers to put clothing away! And suggesting you leave the clothes at the door?!

I find the idea of putting their clothes away for them at that age silly, myselff, so backing the service level diwn one notch to leaving the washed, dried, ironed, folded for their own putting away sounds very reasonable as a step on the road to adult responsibility and privacy.

i present my 7 year old with a basket of folded laundry and his unmatched socks for him to match and put away. It ends up unfolded in the process, but you have to start somewhere. By age 14, his sisters were doing their laundry themselves. But i worked outside the house then, he may get his done a bit longer.

Original poster
teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 17:28

That made me giggle Rivercam I appreciate your support :)

OP posts:
swazza · 24/03/2015 17:28

Pmsl at the poster who said you had "Violated her privacy" by being a mumand putting clothes in her drawer!!

As a mum of teen daughters this is pretty grim stuff to have to deal with as a mum. Despite the law saying at 16 they can have sex with who they like,to us mums they are still our daughters finding their way in the world and its only natural to not want to think of them being sexually active and at risk from all the things that can go wrong there.

Just have a little chat about safe sex in a general point of view way and see if she opend up. From there you can gently go down the road of acknowledging that she has been with her bf a while and offer some advice/suggest the pill or what ever you feel is appropiate.

All the best - really feel for you!

Egog · 24/03/2015 17:30

I think your update sounds good, you obviously care a lot about your daughter.

It might be worth you not mentioning that you're shocked though, (obviously you are, but she doesn't need to know that!).

Things have happened quickly for you, but she might have been thinking about things/planning safe sex for a while - at this stage you just don't know. By not expressing your shock you are much more likely to have an open, calm conversation where she doesn't feel judged.

No matter which way you broach it, she's going to feel like a rabbit in headlights - for both your sakes I hope channels of conversation remain open.

Good luck!

Original poster
teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 17:30

Momagain1 Dc do get waited on hand and foot, but if I didn't do the laundry and left children to do it themselves, it would never get done. I think after this though, I'm going to insist that the be a little more independent

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 24/03/2015 17:31

As for putting clothes away.
I don't do that either. But then I don't do her washing either. When I do move her clothes because I need to the space or whatever, I put them on her bed. She knows where her clothes go.she knows how she wants them.
Don't tidy teens bedrooms, or change their bedding either.

Original poster
teatimeandtantrums · 24/03/2015 17:33

Thank you swazza and Egog for your advice! It was 1000x easier when they were toddlers sigh

OP posts:
Meow75 · 24/03/2015 17:36

Please don't assume the sex was not barrier protected.

Within the first couple of weeks of starting a sexual relationship with my first boyfriend, we were unfortunate enough to have a "lost" condom (due to inexperience, I guess) and one that burst. We sorted out the MAP both times, and I only had a conversation with my mum a few months later when she asked if I was on the Pill.

DH and I still don't have any children 21 years later. Smile

Viviennemary · 24/03/2015 17:36

As others have said there's not a great deal you can do as she is 16. But I would be really disappointed if this was my daughter. I don't think I'd mention it. Because I'd be too disapproving.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 24/03/2015 17:39

If she is old enough to be having sex, then she is old enough to start doing her own laundry.

I think your method of approaching it sounds good, and I like the idea of it going hand in hand with expecting her to be more independent.

maras2 · 24/03/2015 17:45

I didn't know that you could get more than one dose of MAP.Thank goodness for that.It must be a faff having to go to the chemist after every misshap.She sounds sensible but would be better off with more regular contraception.Come clean with her and have a chat.My mum did with me nearly 50 years ago and I am greatful to this day.

Dumbledoresgirl · 24/03/2015 17:45

I find the idea of putting their clothes away for them at that age silly, myselff, so backing the service level diwn one notch to leaving the washed, dried, ironed, folded for their own putting away sounds very reasonable as a step on the road to adult responsibility and privacy.

i present my 7 year old with a basket of folded laundry and his unmatched socks for him to match and put away. It ends up unfolded in the process, but you have to start somewhere. By age 14, his sisters were doing their laundry themselves. But i worked outside the house then, he may get his done a bit longer.

That's great. But I, for example, work from home and part of what I do for the family is the laundry. That includes putting clothes away. It didn't prove a problem for my eldest when he left home and suddenly had to do these things for himself. Funnily enough, it doesn't take long to learn.

The bottom line is, some people get their children to do their own laundry and some do the family laundry all in one go. Neither way is right or wrong. But if a mother is doing the family laundry, I find it laughable that she should leave her daughter's things at the door rather than enter the room and put the things away for her.

BalloonSlayer · 24/03/2015 17:52

Well maybe she wanted the OP to find it.

If she really really wanted this kept a secret she could have deployed some cunning secret-service technique like, oh I dunno . . . throwing the empty packet in the bloody bin?

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