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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage daughter refusing to attend Godmother's funeral, help!

89 replies

Alexrose123 · 15/03/2015 18:25

My oldest dearest friend has died suddenly - her funeral is coming up & my 14 yr old is refusing to come - no matter how much I explain how important it is to us. We have tried sanctions of all kinds- she will have to miss an afternoon of school and says she doesn't want to do this, because she will have work to catch up - which is true - and there is an aunt attending she doesn't want to see; but it is so important to me that she be there - for all of us as a family. Should I put my foot down? If so how? Very difficult to make her come against her will. Advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Nolim · 15/03/2015 18:30

I dont have advice sorry, but if i hadnt been close to her i would refuse to go too.

balletgirlmum · 15/03/2015 18:33

There is no way under the sun that I would force my child to attend the funeral of a relation, never mind a friend. It's a very personal decision & you shouldn't expect a child to be there for you.

Myself & my brother were given the choice as to whether we wanted to attend our grandfathers funeral. We were close. I attended my brother did not.

SirChenjin · 15/03/2015 18:35

Why on earth are you trying to force another person to go to a funeral? Shock The decision to go should rest squarely with your DD - back the heck off.

Hulababy · 15/03/2015 18:37

I wouldn't force her, or even try to blackmail or punish her for not going.

Maybe she just doesn't want to go to a funeral. She may not feel she needs to go to say goodbye, or maybe feels that to go would be too upsetting/stressful/distressing.

You can say why you would like to her to go with you, but equally I think you have to accept how she feels about it to.

thenextday · 15/03/2015 18:38

So you want to take an unwilling sulky teen to a funeral?
Leave her at home.
I don't go to funerals if I dont feel close to the deceased.

NerrSnerr · 15/03/2015 18:41

You really shouldn't have to force anyone to go to a funeral.

LynetteScavo · 15/03/2015 18:42

I would explain to her how sad you are she won't be joining you, but I wouldn't to force her into a situation where she knows she will be very uncomfortable.

WeeMadArthur · 15/03/2015 18:43

You can't force her to go, and neither should you punish her for not going.

IHaveBrilloHair · 15/03/2015 18:46

I would never make her, I told do 12th she didn't have to attend my Dad's funeral, but she chose to.
I didn't go to my Grandads when I was 13, just not something I felt ready for.

Cleanbean · 15/03/2015 18:47

You can't force someone to go to a funeral! Were they close? You don't need to go to a funeral to say goodbye. Please respect her decision.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 15/03/2015 18:47

You can't force anyone to a funeral

Fairylea · 15/03/2015 18:47

If it wasn't a close relative or someone she was close to I don't think you should make her go, especially as it's a school day surely everyone will understand she can't miss school if you tell them that?

AnyFucker · 15/03/2015 18:48

Let her make up her own mind

DramaAlpaca · 15/03/2015 18:49

Agree with everyone else. You really can't force her to go. Respect her decision and certainly don't punish her for not attending.

Sorry for the loss of your friend, OP.

Viviennemary · 15/03/2015 18:51

I don't think any 14 year old should be forced to go to a funeral if they don't want to go. She shouldn't be punished for not attending. Nobody likes going to funerals and when she is an adult she will be obliged but until then just let her be.

fallenstar27 · 15/03/2015 18:53

Sorry for your loss.

I didn't go to my great grandfather's funeral when I was around 13ish. I don't regret it, it was the right decision for me and I'm glad my mum didn't force the issue when I plucked up the courage to tell her I didn't want to go. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/03/2015 18:53

I agree - if she doesn't want to go, don't make her. Why make a day that will already be sad and stressful for you even more stressful?

Condolences on your loss.

Tinofroses · 15/03/2015 18:53

Alexrose did your dd know your friend well? My dd does not like a couple of my friends which is fine. I would not force her either.

Bakeoffcake · 15/03/2015 18:53

No you shouldn't force anyone to go to a funeral they don't want to go to.

Please don't make her go OP.

MrsPresley · 15/03/2015 18:54

I wouldn't force her to go.

My DD 13, didn't want to go to the funeral of a close relative last year, she hadn't been to one before and was actually frightened of what she didn't know and didn't want to see me and other family members upset.

Sadly, she has been to 3 this year, the first one being one of her closest friends Sad but she wanted to go, and this made a big difference.

You really do have to respect her wishes on this.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 15/03/2015 18:59

Agree with everyone else, you are being unfair to your dad.

I chose not to attend my Nan's funeral at a similar age, just couldn't cope with it. Thankfully I was offered that choice.

Funerals are difficult things. I think for children, it needs to be their choice.

FishWithABicycle · 15/03/2015 18:59

She will probably regret not going when she's an adult, but you can't deal with that by forcing her to go. You'll only cause resentment and it'll make her blame you. Teenagers are just naturally very self centred, but you can't force them to grow up to soothe your own feelings. No one should ever be forced to attend a funeral against their will.

Bunbaker · 15/03/2015 19:04

Sorry for your loss, but you shouldn't maker her go if she doesn't want to. DD is 14 and there is no way I would make her go to a funeral if she doesn't want to go.

I get the impression that this is more about what you want.

fuctifino · 15/03/2015 19:05

Don't make her go. She must have her reasons for not wanting to, respect her decision.

I didn't go to my Nan's funeral as a late teen. To this day, I am glad I didn't.

usualsuspect333 · 15/03/2015 19:07

You are very wrong to use sanctions to make her attend a funeral she doesn't want to attend.

Leave her alone to make her own mind up.

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