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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage daughter refusing to attend Godmother's funeral, help!

89 replies

Alexrose123 · 15/03/2015 18:25

My oldest dearest friend has died suddenly - her funeral is coming up & my 14 yr old is refusing to come - no matter how much I explain how important it is to us. We have tried sanctions of all kinds- she will have to miss an afternoon of school and says she doesn't want to do this, because she will have work to catch up - which is true - and there is an aunt attending she doesn't want to see; but it is so important to me that she be there - for all of us as a family. Should I put my foot down? If so how? Very difficult to make her come against her will. Advice appreciated.

OP posts:

balletgirlmum · 15/03/2015 20:55

At 14 I would have been able to cope. Maybe your children are like me Paula.

My brother would have fallen apart at that age & barely coped at our grandmothers funeral when he was 18.

SirChenjin · 15/03/2015 20:57

Scottish culture is not different to England when it comes to death, not at all - you're also assuming that everyone who has posted is English.

balletgirlmum · 15/03/2015 20:59

Well the culture amongst my welsh family was that women didn't go to funerals at all!

My mum found that rather strange when they attended the funeral of my dads Welsh great aunt. She was the only woman there, even the deceased daughter only went to the wake.

SirChenjin · 15/03/2015 21:31

Everyone is different when it comes to funerals - you really can't generalise and say that one particular part of the UK behaves like X and the other like Y.

Messygirl · 15/03/2015 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Messygirl · 15/03/2015 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChillySundays · 15/03/2015 22:44

Most children would not be using the excuse that they can't miss school unless they were worried about what would be going on. I expect she is scared to go to the funeral and personally I would not be pushing my DC to go if they didn't go. Plenty of time to be dealing with that in the future.

I went to a funeral when My DS was that age. The deceased wasn't anywhere near as close as your friend but plenty of children were going. Didn't give my DS a choice - I didn't take him. IF it had been a closer friend of mine who he had been more involved in I would have given the choice.

I am an adult and I hate the thought of attending funerals.

IHaveBrilloHair · 16/03/2015 02:35

The first funeral I went to was my Mum's, I was 8 months pg and terrified, I didn't want to go at all but obviously that wasn't an option.
It was fine, as fine as a funeral for your Mum can be, but to push anyone to go just strikes me as awful.

SirChenjin · 16/03/2015 07:49

No idea re N Irish/English culture - I presume that again it will vary from family to family, individual to individual given that N Ireland is part of the UK. Regardless of what happened 100 or more years ago, we now live in very different times thankfully - the DD does not want to go to a funeral in 2015 and shouldn't be forced to do so.

ssd · 16/03/2015 07:53

14 isnt too young for a funeral, really ridiculous statement there, showing even though you have now discussed this with your dd you still dont understand the issue.

Bunbaker · 16/03/2015 08:07

14 is too young for some and not too young for others. DD is 14 and has some psychological issues at the moment. There is no way I would inflict a funeral on her just now.

SecretSquirrels · 16/03/2015 14:49

No, 14 isn't too young to attend a funeral of someone that mattered to them.
On the other hand attending a funeral to pay respects to a person you don't know or to please someone else is an adult thing to do.

You have done the right thing though on this. Pick your battles.

Messygirl · 16/03/2015 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SukieTuesday · 16/03/2015 15:40

How odd. It would never occur to me not to take DC to funerals. I think I went to my first at 8 and if a relative had died sooner I'd have gone to one sooner. Death is part of life.

Bunbaker · 16/03/2015 15:44

When MIL dies (she is 86 and not in good health) I will ask DD if she wants to go to her funeral and will leave the decision to her. If she doesn't want to go so be it. If it happens during her GCSEs then the exams will take priority.

however · 16/03/2015 23:19

I'm with Paula.

Bunbaker · 17/03/2015 07:09

I'm with Paula in her last post, except for forcing a child to go to a funeral.

A funeral is an emotive affair. Why make things worse by forcing an unwilling teenager to be there, and make her miss school in the process? DD is 14, and missing a day at school means she misses a lot. I must admit that I am a bit of a Nazi when it comes to school attendance, and IMO a funeral of someone she isn't very close to does not trump being at school.

Jackieharris · 17/03/2015 07:29

I think it's disrespectful to the deceased to have someone at a funeral who doesn't want to be there.

HSMMaCM · 17/03/2015 07:35

I wouldn't force her to go. Not everyone goes to my welsh or Scottish relatives funerals either.

YesILikeItToo · 17/03/2015 07:48

I did judge a cousin who didn't attend his grandfather's funeral, but as an adult I agree with the majority here. If you take funerals in your stride, the 'how many funerals have you been to' thread would be an eye opener. Many MNers hadn't been to one, or only to one. Another group had been to lots and lots. Not saying it's regional, but there was a difference based on what type of funeral people would expect to attend. I will go to a funeral to support a bereaved friend in mourning. This is normal where I live. Not everywhere, though.

TheFirstOfHerName · 17/03/2015 07:48

I'm really sorry for your loss, but I don't think you can make someone go to a funeral, and in my opinion you are on dodgy ground trying to coerce them.

One of my closest friends died two years ago and she was the godmother to one of my children. We gave all of the children the choice to attend or not. They all chose to attend, but it wouldn't have been a problem if they had chosen not to.

Same with my brother's funeral last year.

TheFirstOfHerName · 17/03/2015 07:54

Have now read the rest of the thread.

OP, by listening to your daughter, and taking her needs into account, you are truly doing the right thing. You are building up her trust in you, which is really important at her age.

Mrsjayy · 17/03/2015 08:01

Oh I. Am sorry for your loss but if your dd Is so against going I wouldn't force her I know you want to attend as a family but for whatever reason your dd just can't face it don't make her

Mrsjayy · 17/03/2015 08:09

Ah I read on op maybe once your friends headstone is in place your dd could put flowers down

Redhead11 · 17/03/2015 08:11

I don't think there is any point in forcing her to go. DD1 refused to come to her grandfather's funeral a few years ago at an older age than that, but that was more to do with hurting me - and she succeeded. I don't think you should rely on a child for emotional support at a funeral, either. You should rely on other adults.

That said, some kids are ready for funerals at 14 or younger, but everyone is different. It is, of course, your choice and i am very much of the general view that teenagers are children, i am the adult and they do what they are told. however, in this case, i think i would leave her at home.

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