Teenage daughter refusing to attend Godmother's funeral, help!

[Alexrose123]

My oldest dearest friend has died suddenly - her funeral is coming up & my 14 yr old is refusing to come - no matter how much I explain how important it is to us. We have tried sanctions of all kinds- she will have to miss an afternoon of school and says she doesn't want to do this, because she will have work to catch up - which is true - and there is an aunt attending she doesn't want to see; but it is so important to me that she be there - for all of us as a family. Should I put my foot down? If so how? Very difficult to make her come against her will. Advice appreciated.

Can i just add as well, that as a former church organist, I have played for thousands of funerals. There have been many, many times when there have been small children/teenagers who have become very, very distressed and that in turn has been very distressing for other mourners. If in the end your child decides to go to this funeral, you should have a contingency plan for what to do if she finds it too much. I have seen adults being escorted from churches etc because it has become too much for them.

Thank you for coming back OP, I'm glad we were helpful.

The only reason why anyone should go to a funeral should be because they want to go be that to pay their respects or because they want to support others there.

There shouldn't be an expectation on children to go in order to support their parents.

Essentially forcing someone to go to a funeral is for the benefit of the living people who are there, which is never the right reason...

Personally I wouldn't want anyone to come to my funeral who felt they were being forced into doing so. After all, I'll be dead, so technically, I won't be there either.

As minister who takes funerals my experience is the same as Redhead11's. On a fairly regular basis I see teenagers completely distraught at the reality of death that is a coffin with someone they loved in it right at the front of church or the crematorium/cemetery chapel. Death and its finality becomes very obvious and the old traditions for managing that finality have long gone in my part of the world.

I do talk to families about how stressful the first funeral can be for older children and teenagers and that exit or coping strategies are good to think about. As a minister I have my own strategies for coping as there are times when I am grieving for members of my own family or friends who have died. Doing mental shopping lists whilst very emotional music is played is one of mine.

So condolences to the OP and the loss of her dear friend. Be kind to yourself in the days and months to come in mourning the loss of a friend. In that mourning your daughter will learn something about love and loss that she will get in a more loving way than at a funeral she maybe isn't quite ready for.

We went through something similar last year. My lovely MIL, who had lung cancer, secondary to pancreatic cancer, entered her final illness. We saw her in the summer, when she came to visit us, and even then, the change in her was obvious - she was not the energetic lady her grandsons knew, and looked very different too - ill and much thinner.

When she went into the hospice, in early winter, ds2 and I flew down to visit her, meeting up with ds1, who is at university in the south of England. We offered ds3, who was 17.5 at the time, the opportunity to come with us, but he really didn't want to go - he said he didn't want to see his grandmother looking even sicker than she had when she'd visited in the summer - she had gone downhill significantly since that visit. He said he had found it very distressing to see how ill she'd been in the summer (though he had concealed that from her and from us at the time), and he knew he couldn't take seeing her much worse, and in the hospice. He said he wanted to remember her well and happy, and didn't want the memory of her in the hospice as his last memory of her.

Dh and I respected his decision - he had good, well-thought-out reasons for it, and so he stayed at home. He did talk to his grandmother on the phone on a number of occasions, so there was plenty of contact, and she knew how much he loved her. And over the following weeks, whilst she was in the hospice, and then when she was discharged home to die, we made sure he knew he could change his mind and we would make sure he got to see her, if he wanted to - but he didn't. I am absolutely sure it was the right decision for him - and I would not have dreamt of forcing him to go and see her.

He and his brothers helped my dh to carry my MIL into the church for her funeral, and I have never been more proud of any of them.

Sdt - you post has just bought a tear to my eye, especially the last sentence. What a mature young man you have as a son.

It made me cry, writing it - thank you so much for saying such a lovely thing, Rivercam.

Alexrose I just wanted to say sorry for your loss.

It is good to see you have managed to support your DD through what is a very difficult time in your life.

I think this is one time changing your mind really is the best thing to do

I don't think I would force her; and you certainly shouldn't be looking to her for emotional support; but 14 is old enough to go to a funeral and it may be best to start with the funeral of someone to whom she was not particularly close. When I was at school we used to be required to attend the funerals of all the old nuns, who dropped like flies; and having attended those funerals made it easier when the time came to attend the funerals of those who were close to me: I had seen the coffin, seen the grave etc..

She is also old enough to consider the question of whether she should attend, out of respect for your wishes and out of respect for her Godmother. Family occasions, whether happy or sad, are squirmingly embarrassing for most teenagers and she will not want to go; but she should be made to understand that going would be the right thing to do

"The only reason why anyone should go to a funeral should be because they want to go be that to pay their respects or because they want to support others there."

This. Many times over.

I'm sorry, but I disagree entirely with your last paragraph vixsatis. I don't think it is morally or ethically right to guilt trip a 14 year old to go to a funeral.

I am going to a funeral this week because I want to support the family. I don't enjoy funerals - who does? But I think it is the right thing to do.

Totally agree too, BunBaker

When it was dh's Grandfather's funeral, my eldest and youngest chose to come, but my middle one didn't want to - I think she was 13 at the time. She loved him dearly but for whatever reason didn't want to come to the service and I respected that. It's not entirely an age thing - as I said, her sister, who is 3 years younger wanted to come, and I was happy with that too.

Absolutely right to respect the individual's decision.

Touche Stillabitupset

Following my argument, then no-one would go to a funeral I suppose. I still don't think a teenager should be forced to go to a funeral. I am thinking about it from the angle of being a parent to an emotionally fragile teenager just now.