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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage daughter refusing to attend Godmother's funeral, help!

89 replies

Alexrose123 · 15/03/2015 18:25

My oldest dearest friend has died suddenly - her funeral is coming up & my 14 yr old is refusing to come - no matter how much I explain how important it is to us. We have tried sanctions of all kinds- she will have to miss an afternoon of school and says she doesn't want to do this, because she will have work to catch up - which is true - and there is an aunt attending she doesn't want to see; but it is so important to me that she be there - for all of us as a family. Should I put my foot down? If so how? Very difficult to make her come against her will. Advice appreciated.

OP posts:
paulapantsdown · 15/03/2015 19:15

I totally disagree with all of you! This is a child we are talking about here, she goes where her parents tell her to go. We buried my MIL this week, there was absolutely NO QUESTION on whether my teenagers wanted to go or not - they had a responsibility to support their father and pay their respects to their grandmother.

Your mothers best friend falls under this category too.

I'm pretty liberal about most things and easy going with my kids compared to a lot of people, but they are not adults - I call the shots about the important shit.

I think the weird way many English people behave around death plays a part in the replies you have had here. Funerals, weddings, births, illness etc are all part of life, and children need to learn how to behave in these situations.

Bunbaker · 15/03/2015 19:18

In my experience 14 is a horrible age, well it has been so far for DD. A funeral is the last thing I would force her to go to. Do you actually know any 14 year olds paula?

Dealing with a sulky teenager at a funeral would not be on my bucket list. Besides I'm not even sure the school would authorise the time off as it isn't a close family relative.

Messygirl · 15/03/2015 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fugacity · 15/03/2015 19:21

When I was 14, both of my grandfathers died within 2 weeks of one another. My parents wouldn't allow me to go, which was very typical of the time.

It should be a personal choice.

yetanotherchangename · 15/03/2015 19:24

I would try to work out what is holding her back from going. If it really is the catch-up school work, or perhaps she doesn't want to have to make small talk with relatives, then I would be very firm in expressing that you feel let down that she can't honour her godmother in this way. However, if you have the slightest inkling that she may be using the school work as an excuse because she is scared of funerals or because she doesn't feel reading (for example) to cope with other people's grief, then I would go easy on her. Ultimately it does need to be her decision I think.

Starlightbright1 · 15/03/2015 19:24

It is important for you but not for her at 14 she should make her own mind up about a funeral

DurhamDurham · 15/03/2015 19:26

I wouldn't force either of my two girls to attend a funeral, one of them chose not to come to their grandma's funeral, not because they didn't went to say goodbye but because they chose not to miss school. It is a very personal choice and I don't believe anyone should force another person to go to a funeral, especially at 14 years old.
You want to go and pay your respects to your friend, I think it's important that you do so but equally as important that your daughter is allowed to miss it.

CarlaVeloso · 15/03/2015 19:30

She's young. Funerals are unsettling to any of us but can be a very frightening and bewildering experience to a young person. She may be a bit scared, either of her own feelings or the actual mechanics of it all. I so remember being mildly traumatised by my uncle's funeral when I was about 9/10. So many adults weeping, including my father and then the coffin and burial part felt a bit creepy.

I really wouldn't push it although you are entirely reasonable to want her to be there and to feel disappointed about it.

eyebags63 · 15/03/2015 19:55

I am surprised at some of the responses here. In my opinion everybody deals with death in their own way and nobody should be forced to attend a funeral if they don't want to, whatever the reasoning behind that decision. I would also not judge anybody who decides not to attend.

People, even a child, can "pay their respects" in their own way.

Would your friend really want you to force your DD along against her wishes, really?

SirChenjin · 15/03/2015 20:12

Paula - please don't use English to mean British.

Quangle · 15/03/2015 20:13

OP hasn't said why Dd doesn't want to attend. She implies it's because of missing school work which is not a good enough reason. At 14 you are old enough to know when your mum needs support or when making an appearance because it's a significant event is important.

If she can't face it and is scared that's one thing but if it's because she cba or doesn't get it then I agree with Paula. But it's hard to make her go. What is she saying OP?

Notrevealingmyidentity · 15/03/2015 20:14

Paula sounds lovely...glad my parents respected the fact I was a person in my own right rather than force their views on me in regards to funerals.

SirChenjin · 15/03/2015 20:18

I'd be questionning why I felt (as a fully grown, mature adult) that I needed the support of my 14 year old DD and why I felt that I had to react by issuing threats more than I would over why my 14 year old didn't want to attend a funeral. As to making an appearance - most adults will a)not be paying much attention to whether or not a teenager is there and b)won't care much one way or another.

Tutt · 15/03/2015 20:22

Why on earth would you make a child go, this is one time that the discussion should well and truely be a childs.

I acctually it would be really awful parenting if you make her.

I didn't go to a funeral until well in my 20's, my DS has never been. Your child is not your emotional pillar she is far to young.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/03/2015 20:24

OP, your DD is adamant that she doesn't want to attend and has given you a reason. I think you should accept her decision.

Sorry for your loss.Thanks

eyebags63 · 15/03/2015 20:31

paulapantsdown
Children do not have a responsibility to emotionally support anyone, let alone their parents. I would be worried about any fully grown adult that felt the need to force a child along to a funeral to provide support for that adult.

thenextday · 15/03/2015 20:38

I didn't go to MILs funeral.

Original poster
Alexrose123 · 15/03/2015 20:42

Have taken on board everyone's comments and had a chat with DD - explaining she doesn't need to come to the funeral and we respect her views. Really appreciate the advice - it was difficult to be objective, I was so close to my friend but agree now that maybe 14 is too young for a funeral.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/03/2015 20:45

14 isn't too young for funeral if they really want to go

This lady was your friend, not hers.

AnyFucker · 15/03/2015 20:45

You have just banked some teenage brownie points Smile

Quangle · 15/03/2015 20:46

They don't have to but by 14 you should have an idea when it's necessary to show a parent some support. We had a death in the family recently and I was very proud to see my nephews holding their Nan's hand and cuddling her as she buried her mother. Her mother was not a relative to my nephews (complicated) but they knew that being there meant a lot to their nan. That's not too much to expect of a 14 yo. Perhaps she's really scared and doesn't want to see her mum break down - but seeing people deal with loss is part of growing up.

balletgirlmum · 15/03/2015 20:47

I was 15 when I went to my granddad funeral & coped but I didn't go to the graveside.

The first graveside I went to was a friends mum when I was 19. I'm so glad the first time was someone I wasn't close to as it is was traumatic.

Glad you are respecting he decision OP.

paulapantsdown · 15/03/2015 20:48

SirChenjin I did mean English. Scottish and Welsh culture is very similar to my own Irish culture in the sense of the more accepting and relaxed attitude to dying and death, not the uptight attitude that lots of English people have about it, where its all terribly distressing and funerals are things to protect children from. I've been to dozens of funerals in my lifetime since I was about 8 or 9, just like I've been to loads of weddings and met loads of newborns. Its just another part of life.

Thanks for that Notrevealingmyidentity, I actually do love my kids and of course I treat them as people in their own right and respect their wishes. You don't know anything about me or my relationship with my children. I just don't get this whole, precious child must not be forced to do anything they don't want to malarky! I don't FORCE my kids to do anything, but I am raising them to understand that even as teenagers there are social expectations that we must all must try to meet. Sometimes in life you have to suck it up and do things you don't especially want to for the greater good, and to support others. Fourteen is old enough to learn that.

But maybe I'm just a horrible parent hey!?

balletgirlmum · 15/03/2015 20:54

Social expectations are behaving at cousin Mary's wedding.

Not forcing them to attend a traumatic event they may not be emotionally ready for.

Quangle · 15/03/2015 20:54

Paula I'll join you in the horrible parents club! Fwiw I'm English but had an elderly family and had been to loads of funerals before I went to my first wedding aged about 18. Certainly at 8 or 9 it was a normal expectation that we would go. I agree that it's probably easier this way - attending lots of funerals of elderly people who were random aunts and second cousins. Also as my mum was a single parent a) she will often have had no choice but to take us and b) We were happy to support her. She's as tough as old boots but there's nothing wrong with wanting a show of strength as a family.

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