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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Advice Needed - found an empty condom box in sons room

101 replies

Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 10:31

Ok, here goes, my son is 15, so is his gf.
This morning I found an empty condom box in his room.

He is at school right now and I am not sure how to approach this when he gets home.

We've always had a good relationship and he knows he can come to me with any questions (or so I thought) and he often asks advice and has had no problems talking to me about sensitive subjects in the past.

I think I am both shocked that he is having sex and disappointed, both that he is having sex and that he never spoke to me about it, (although we both know I would have advised against it and would definitely not have wanted it to happen in my house, while I was downstairs (Yes they do go to his room, but we have a door open policy and I am often in and out of the room and upstairs pottering about, which I thought was enough, obviously not)!

I have always said that if you are not mature enough to talk to me about it you aren't mature enough to consider doing it.

Which he seemed to understand and seemed on board with.
They have been together almost a year and although I'm not totally naive I just really never expected this.

What would your approach be?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 24/02/2015 10:34

Well he might not be having sex, he may just have taken them out of the box and have them in his wallet or bag. I don't have teenagers, mine are younger , so I am not the best person to advise you, but I would talk to him about the fact that they are still under age, and that the consequences of her getting pregnant at 15 would be pretty horrendous for both of them. I would also think about talking to his girlfriend's parents tbh, and working things out between all of you. 15 is so young.

slippermaiden · 24/02/2015 10:37

On a positive side he has thought about protection. As previous person said, he may not have used them yet. Also it's a tricky subject for him to bring up with you, maybe it would be easier for him if u bring it up?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 24/02/2015 10:39

I would be happy that, talking to you or not, he is comfortable enough to buy and use condoms.

I am a 30yo woman and have never felt the need to discuss my sex life with my mother - does that make me too immature to be having sex?

Id say to him that you are aware that he has bought them, and are glad he is confident enough to buy them and can he make sure he always uses one.

If you would have advised against it then maybe that is why he hasnt raised the issue with you.

Id also wager it very unlikely that they are DTD while you are in the house. They prbably arent even dtd in your house.

MaudeLebowski · 24/02/2015 10:41

This is wholly positive. Your son has access to contraception and is using it.

15, whilst too young legally, is not too young for many people.

I started having sex at 15. There were no negative effects.

She is a long term girlfriend. It could be so much worse.

You need to get a grip, honestly. OF COURSE he wasn't going to consult you before he had sex. He's a horny teenager, and if he is anything like my 3 adult children were in their teenage years, he wasn't planning it for a long time - it just happened, he liked it, and it keeps happening.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 24/02/2015 10:43

"speak to the parents of the 15yo girl and try and work something out between all of you"

What? The actual?

This cannot be a serious suggestion?

elelfrance · 24/02/2015 10:47

I think even the most mature, well-adjusted, responsible 15-year-old boy would not talk to his parents before having sex.
Yes thats hard to hear, but its pretty normal, and previous posters are right in saying that it could be worse, he's using protection, he's in a relationship...you can't really ask any more of him

Heels99 · 24/02/2015 10:47

OMG re speaking to the girls parents, what would the op ""work out between you"? What is there to work out? You cannot stop them be glad they are taking precautions but remind them that no method is 100 %

Original poster
Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 10:48

I know you are right, It is great that he has accessed them and is using condoms and yes he may not even/yet be using them for sex.

And of course he was never going to say to me, mum i'm planning having sex with my gf tonight but it's just the shock of knowing I guess and he's only 15 I really would prefer he wasn't having sex!

Sad
OP posts:
PureMorning · 24/02/2015 10:50

Buy him some more?
I know it's hard to think about but at least he is using protection.

SirVixofVixHall · 24/02/2015 10:54

Well the girl's parents may not know she is having sex, and she is still a child. Of course its good he has bought condoms but condoms don't always prevent someone getting pregnant. And getting pregnant right before her GCSEs would be a nightmare. Or at 15 full stop.

Heels99 · 24/02/2015 10:59

But what would they work out between them? A rota of available beds?

acatcalledjohn · 24/02/2015 11:03

I am a 30yo woman and have never felt the need to discuss my sex life with my mother - does that make me too immature to be having sex?

Exactly that. I am of a similar age to ThinkIveBeenHacked and the thought of discussing something so private with my mother just doesn't seem right.

Going by how sex is viewed by the majority of teens today, I am quite pleasantly surprised to hear he's got a steady girlfriend and is thinking about protection. So even if he is having sex, he's being sensible and responsible about it, indicating your talks with him have had a positive effect.

Original poster
Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 11:07

I will talk to him about the risks and advise him where to get condoms.

I do think if it was the other way around I would want her parents to let us know, so perhaps I should talk to her but I will talk to my son first I think.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 24/02/2015 11:10

Depending on your relationship with him, it's probably a good time and excuse to have a discussion about contraception and how a "belt and braces" approach might be appropriate due to their age. If he's big enough to be having sex he's big enough to have a discussion about contraception.

This is not the same as having a discussion about sex, those conversations are between him and his lover(s).

TheBooMonster · 24/02/2015 11:10

I personally would replace the box, possibly with a note reminding him that you're there if he wants to talk about it and a reminder that condoms aren't 100% effective and she should consider going on the pill in addition (if she isn't already) if they are having sex.

Be glad he is taking the necessary precautions, whether it's because they actually are or are just considering it.

Eminado · 24/02/2015 11:18

Hi OP

More knowledgeable and experienced posters have already replied above but I just wanted to send you Flowers as I can totally and completely empathise that this has been a big shock for you and not what you would have wanted and yes it might be the age it starts these days but as a mum I can see how this is quite hard to absorb.

Mabelface · 24/02/2015 11:25

I'd say that it was almost inevitable that this would happen. I would also casually mention belt and braces with him. I know that my 15 year old daughter is having sex with her 17 year old boyfriend. I also know that they have done everything carefully and sensibly with proper precautions and advice. She knows that I'd rather that they'd waited a while longer, but they've been together for a year and a half, and her boyfriend has respected her wishes and waited for her to be ready. I don't know detail, nor do I want to, but I do know that she's not going to get pregnant or catch an STI. Keep the lines of communication open with him, but don't push or pry too much.

SoupDragon · 24/02/2015 11:25

As Boo says, I would replace the box with a fresh one and leave a note saying how glad you are he is being sensible together with information about how to get more.

At least I'd like to think I would!

cdtaylornats · 24/02/2015 11:28

Let her parents know what exactly? The only facts you have are an empty box, for all you know they might be planning to water bomb you. If you tell her parents they might ban the relationship then you will have an alienated son who will be lying to you in future while he and his girlfriend sneak around.

SoupDragon · 24/02/2015 11:29

You can t tell her parents - what if they aren't having sex? What if he is having sex with someone else? What if he's just practising putting them on?

Original poster
Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 11:40

Thank you Eminado.

cdtaylornats, I was thinking I would talk to her parents only after I had spoken to my son, because she is underage and I would want them to tell me.They may be well aware I do not know but she is only 15 and as her parents they should have the responsibility of ensuring she is keeping herself safe too?

Having said that if my son says he bought them and never used them etc then I would have to trust him and obviously would not contact her mum.

I don't think I could not say anything, as other posters have said a belt and braces approach is best if they are sexually active and I cannot go with her to get the pill.

(I hope I do get water bombed though, that would be preferable)

OP posts:
DaygloYellowLady · 24/02/2015 11:42

First of all congratulations on bringing up a teenage boy with enough respect for his partner to have sex within a relationship and to use condoms. Although this all feels terrible to you this type sensible considerate, behaviour is not always the norm in this age group and its a credit to you and him that this is how he's going about things.

If the deed is done its done and there's nothing you can do about it now but there are some practical things that you might want to discuss with him to keep him safe if he decides to continue:
Has he considered his risk of STIS? If his current partner is not his first or he is not hers then there is a risk of infection. With his history its most likely to be something like chlamydia or gonhorroea which is very easily dealt with and nothing to worry about but worth a visit to the GUM clinic non the less.
Has he considered what will happen if his GF falls pregnant and does he realise that should this happen he has no say in the outcome and will likely be financially liable for the child for the rest of his life?
Also, its probably good for him to bear in mind that, certainly in Scotland and possibly in the rest of the UK, the actual act of sex under the age of 16 is illegal, no matter what age the protagonists - its just not often in the public interest to prosecute 2 consenting, non coerced 15 year olds.

Lastly, and I can't say this enough, although this has obviously upset you, you've very obviously done a very good job so far in educating and supporting your son about sex, I'm a sexual health nurse and I'd be very pleased to come across a young person behaving like your son. You just need to keep on going down this road in the calm manner, as it seems you've already been doing.

Mrsjayy · 24/02/2015 12:09

I am not sure your sons sex life is your business reall.

I was shocked when I found out my dd was on the pill I thought we would have an enlightening chat about relationships ajd how I was the type of parent my dd could go to tbh I was slightly hurt she didn't .
I was speaking to a friend about it she said what were you expecting her to say "well mum me and boyfriend are at it" friend also said she would rather have bitten her arm off than discuss sex with her mum and tbh I was the same with my mum.. the way I see it 7s we habe brought up responsible children who are using contraceptive I did have an awkward conversation with dd about her Bf using condoms too I got a grunted yes and that was that. You do not need to make a huge deal about this and tbh he probably left the box for you to see.

Original poster
Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 12:22

DaygloYellowLady Thank you, I plan to talk to him about risks etc today (again) and I have investigated local contraception services, and there is a hub locally, which I plan to direct him to if he does tell me he is having sex.

If he can't buy condoms he can make an appointment to talk to a nurse and get some for free, although I see where you are coming from when you say I should buy him more, I'm not sure I can, does that make sense? I would have to buy him more if there were no other options available to him.

Yes Mrsjayy, I'm not sure his sex life is my business either and nor do I want it to be.
His safety is my business though and his gf safety is my business when she is in our home and as he is only 15, so is his future. I am going to try to not make a big deal out of it.

Thanks

OP posts:
KatieScarlettreregged · 24/02/2015 12:22

My DS was the opposite.
I swear he couldn't wait to tell me, about 2 hrs after the event IIRC. I really did not want to know the details but got them anyway...
He used protection thank gawd. I showed him where the condom stash was hidden and had the chat.
Then after he went to bed I sobbed half the night that my baby was all grown up. Smile
Got over myself fairly quickly. Now it's just an anecdote but I was inwardly gutted at the time.
He, on the other hand, was chuffed as all get out.