Advice Needed - found an empty condom box in sons room

[Teenagerwoes]

Ok, here goes, my son is 15, so is his gf.
This morning I found an empty condom box in his room.

He is at school right now and I am not sure how to approach this when he gets home.

We've always had a good relationship and he knows he can come to me with any questions (or so I thought) and he often asks advice and has had no problems talking to me about sensitive subjects in the past.

I think I am both shocked that he is having sex and disappointed, both that he is having sex and that he never spoke to me about it, (although we both know I would have advised against it and would definitely not have wanted it to happen in my house, while I was downstairs (Yes they do go to his room, but we have a door open policy and I am often in and out of the room and upstairs pottering about, which I thought was enough, obviously not)!

I have always said that if you are not mature enough to talk to me about it you aren't mature enough to consider doing it.

Which he seemed to understand and seemed on board with.
They have been together almost a year and although I'm not totally naive I just really never expected this.

What would your approach be?

I guess all kids are different my youngest dd is an oversharer so I reckon when the time comes I will know.

I will talk to him about the risks and advise him where to get condoms.

Do you really think you need to?

Sorry, I'll get my coat....

"I am not sure your sons sex life is your business reall."

Surely it is a bit if they are both under age?

silverblur personally I think that would be an incredibly stupid thing to do and would shut down any further communication. They are both 15 so less than a year from 16. If they were 13 then yes, I can see the point but they aren't.

Being all heavy handed when the DS has been responsible is pretty counter intuitive and somewhat misguided.

You will mrsjay in detail your brain will never erase.
And you have my utmost sympathy

This is one area you seriously need to butt out of. A one off chat fine but if you start poking your nose in with options and whatnot he'll close down and if you tell her parents it'll massively backfire on you.

15 is common and once they start you can't stop them doing it no matter how self righteous you feel. He's using protection at least.. I would more be feeling wary that he had ran out tbh.

"I am not sure your sons sex life is your business reall."

Surely it is a bit if they are both under age?

As they're both 15, only to the extent of making sure they are being careful and using protection, IMO.

I would tell him that you found the box and that you are not interested in any of the details as its his business but you want to remind him that he should not take any chances at all and that they should, preferably, use two methods of contraception. I would also remind him what your house rules are - whatever they are.

Are they just 15 or nearly 16 ?

I have girl x2 and boy x2 DC and I actually find it less stressful advising the girls as they have more control than the boys. The girls can choose to take the pill, can insist on a condom and have the option of taking MAPs and having abortions.

Boys only have control of whether to use a condom. It's riskier for them in some respects as they have to fully trust the girls.

A year from now your son will be expected to be planning his adult life and choosing a college or further education whatever he decides. Yes 15 is young but I'd be more happy finding an empty condom pack than a positive pregnancy test at that age

15 is common and once they start you can't stop them doing it no matter how self righteous you feel. He's using protection at least.. I would more be feeling wary that he had ran out tbh

I totally agree with this. Make sure he has money to replace what he's used and then stay out of it.

How did you deal with your 15 yr old silverblur I take it your kids sailed through the teens not giving you a moments bit of worry?

Having talked to someone whose son did end up an underage father, she said that had she known, she would have taken them straight to the FPC for proper contraceptive advice.

As it was, the girl's mother did know and did nothing.

silverblur I think most teens know that the legal age limit is only really used to protect children from adults and not their peers.

If every 14/15 year old having sex was charged with underage sex, the court system in the UK would collapse in a day!

It is one very big grey area.

He has, as far as you know acted responsibly. I would far rather my dcs were having sex at 15 while in a relationship than having random one night stands legally at 16. I would hope maturity is measured in the person rather than a number.

There are no grey areas in the eyes of the law.

Really? If that were the case, they would prosecute every under 16 couple having consensual sex. They don't though. I wonder why...?

DS1 is 16 tomorrow. If he was having sex with his girlfriend tonight at any point before 3am tomorrow, should I report him to the police?

Yes, yes you should of course SoupDragon
And come and tell us how it went..
The Police do not give a shiney shite about two 15 year olds having consensual sex.

Just replace with a new box and a leaflet about safe sex and where to get help and advice

Ds1 was 15 when he started having sex with his gf. He was very open with me about it, and actually wanted to talk about it, cringey as I found it at times.

The only thing I can think of which nobody has covered, I don't think, is that I think you need to speak to him so he knows you know and that the lines of communication are always open, but tell him that accidents can still happen - split condoms etc - and rather than bury their heads in the sand about that kind of thing if it should happen, they need to get morning after pill sorted out immediately.

ThisIsATrollThread gf is 16 soon, ds not 16 until end of the year.

I know they are teenagers with raging hormones and all the rest of it and I'll need to tread carefully but I do feel like I have a responsibility - if they are having sex, to speak to her parents.

I would appreciate any mum of girls responses to that? Would you appreciate it or not welcome it at all?

2 of my DDs are now in their 20's and the other is 15 and I can only speak for myself but I would have thought you were rather odd if you turned up at my door telling me one of them was having sex. I'd have had a few knocks for DD2 at 15!

It was my job to arm my DDs with the info to protect themselves from STIs and pregnancy which thankfully they listened to. You've done the same with your son or he wouldnt have an empty pack of condoms so leave it at that.

You've done your bit, he's nearly an adult and is taking responsibility. If you inform her parents you are threatening the trust and relationship you have with your Ds.

If they were 12/13 i'd have a totally different response.

It's not about whether you would appreciate it... its whether your teenager would appreciate you telling her mother. You're risking a world of headaches if he loses trust in you. 15 yr old kinda only see the world though their own eyes and If he won't feel betrayed and hate you for a while then crack on. You're the one who has to live with him.

My daughter is grown up and off now but no I wouldn't have appreciated some stranger knocking on the door and talking to me about her sex life. The only time that would be acceptable was if he was infected with something and i was being warned or pregnancy had happened and she was scared to tell me.

I have one over sharer and one the opposite .
A couple of years ago I told them there would be a box of condoms in the bathroom and they should make sure they knew how to use them for when the time came . I have also recommended they use a belt and braces approach.
Boys only have control of whether to use a condom. It's riskier for them in some respects as they have to fully trust the girls YY to this.