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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Advice Needed - found an empty condom box in sons room

101 replies

Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 10:31

Ok, here goes, my son is 15, so is his gf.
This morning I found an empty condom box in his room.

He is at school right now and I am not sure how to approach this when he gets home.

We've always had a good relationship and he knows he can come to me with any questions (or so I thought) and he often asks advice and has had no problems talking to me about sensitive subjects in the past.

I think I am both shocked that he is having sex and disappointed, both that he is having sex and that he never spoke to me about it, (although we both know I would have advised against it and would definitely not have wanted it to happen in my house, while I was downstairs (Yes they do go to his room, but we have a door open policy and I am often in and out of the room and upstairs pottering about, which I thought was enough, obviously not)!

I have always said that if you are not mature enough to talk to me about it you aren't mature enough to consider doing it.

Which he seemed to understand and seemed on board with.
They have been together almost a year and although I'm not totally naive I just really never expected this.

What would your approach be?

OP posts:
KatieScarlettreregged · 24/02/2015 15:36

Yes, my mum was horrified when she found out I had booked a smear aged 20 Hmm
Not that I was having a responsible adult procedure, you understand, just that I had obviously had sex. To this day she has never discussed sex with me other than "don't do it".
I never wanted to be that way with my DC.

Mrsjayy · 24/02/2015 15:41

Oh god yes the smear what do you want one of those for.-you trollop urm cos I am 20 and sent for me

KatieScarlettreregged · 24/02/2015 15:45

To make it even more unbelievable, mum had cervical cancer when I was 19. You would think she'd approve of taking care of my body?
You'd be wrong.
Poor woman, I sort of understand why she was so upset but I'm very proud of how I stood my ground and defended myself at the time. She got over herself eventually Smile

Mrsjayy · 24/02/2015 16:01

Yeah mum got over it although I had a baby at 22 she wouldn't let my the n boy friend now husband stay overnight because it wasn't right

HubertCumberdale · 24/02/2015 16:20

Next time the gf is over

"Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya".

KatieScarlettreregged · 24/02/2015 16:32

You could really have some fun with them.
Barry White on in the room next door turned up to 11?
A prayer circle in the front room timed to coincide with the GF going home?
Or my personal favourite, mortify them by saying "you know, I was passing by and heard a few things, Daddy and I do it this way (show diagrams) and I find it much easier to orgasm, perhaps you should give it a try?"
(Obviously you would never but it's fun to contemplate)
Grin

SirVixofVixHall · 24/02/2015 16:32

I don't think 15 is all that common, am I deluded? When I was 15 I hadn't even started my periods, or kissed a boy. Most of my friends were 18 or over and either at uni or the tail end of A levels when they started having sex. Only a tiny few were sexually active at 15. Maybe due to my all girls school? My friends now have dcs at high school and actually again, most commonly they seem to wait until they are at Uni or in the sixth form with a long standing relationship. I do live in a remote rural area though, and the teenagers here are noticably more innocent than the ones I knew when I lived in a major city.

Mrsjayy · 24/02/2015 16:36

I don't know if it is common but not a rarity or unusual not that many 15 yr old confide in me

KatieScarlettreregged · 24/02/2015 16:37

Very very common around here vix
Naice area too.

shushpenfold · 24/02/2015 16:37

Gosh OP, you sound as if you're thinking and dealing with this really sensibly so far. I have a 14 yr old ds and the thought of him having sex in a year is pretty darn awful. The suggestion that you should not tell the parents of the girl (once you've spoken to your DS) however is awful....of course you should tell them. You're not suggesting an intervention, but I would want to know if my 15 yr old DD OR DS was having sex. The illegality of it is yet another consideration....good luck. x

shushpenfold · 24/02/2015 16:39

Having read back my post above it comes across as rather 'Victorian Parent'....I'm not, honest gov! I would however talk to the parents of my DS's GF to let them know.

MaudeLebowski · 24/02/2015 17:47

I don't think 15 is all that common, am I deluded

16 is the UK national average. 15 is very common, especially for girls.

www.onaverage.co.uk/sex-averages/43-average-age-to-lose-virginity

Pop54 · 24/02/2015 18:18

To be honest I think a mother would be the last person a teenage boy would want to speak to about sex. He would probably find it embarrassing and like other people have said you should be happy he is using protection.
I think if you made a big issue of it, it would push him away and normally at that age when you get told not to do something you do the opposite.

As much as you'll be hating the idea because he is 15, the reality of it is teenagers are having sex at this age. I'm sure you would much rather him be doing it with someone who he's in a relationship with and safe under your roof, than with strangers unprotected in a park.
Sometimes you have to accept them growing up as causing an issue may have terrible consequences.

AGirlCalledBoB · 24/02/2015 18:25

Honestly?

I would not make a big deal out of it.

They are in a long term relationship and are using protection. And realistically now they have started, how could you stop them? Unless you are locking him up, they will find a way to have sex.

Maybe tell him you wish he would have come to you to tell you, even if after so that you can now retell him about protection etc. They are clearly a sensible young couple to have protection so concentrate on that and he is not having numerous girls so really it could be worse.

TickleMyTitsTillFriday · 24/02/2015 18:38

My dd's boyfriends Mum never tires of calling me when she finds out that they have had sex again and that it's so awful and we must put a stop to it.Hmm

What makes me most angry is she told my dd if dd didn't tell me rhen she would. And I think that is unforgivable. Dd would have told me in her own time. When she told me I made it VERY clear to her that what they had done was not wrong as long as they both wanted to and we're careful.

They are both 15 btw and had been together for over 6 months when they first had sex.

MaudeLebowski · 24/02/2015 20:16

Tickle What a foul woman, and what a horrible position to put your daughter in. I'd be livid.

TickleMyTitsTillFriday · 24/02/2015 20:36

Yes she is rather.
She doesn't want them having sex. End of story. Rather than seeing it as a normal thing in a relationship (despite us all wanting them to wait til they're a bit older) and making sure they're safe and happy, she made sure they split up. My dd was devastated.

Original poster
Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 20:59

Tickle that does sound awful - I vow not to turn into that woman!

Update:

Unfortunately no water bombing will be happening in the teenagerwoes household!

They have had sex, and did use contraception, which is a relief. We discussed the pill and the belt and braces method and what to do if there was a condom mishap. We had a talk about pregnancy etc.

I asked if gf mum was aware and he said he didn't know, I said that I almost contacted her today and he was pretty horrified! He said he will talk to gf about the pill and she can talk to her mum if she wants. Which is fair enough I think.

He seems to regret it a little and doesn't think they will be having sex again anytime soon, but if they are planning to they will use protection. He said he was glad I knew as he had been worried about it! He is worried that she could be pregnant even though they used a condom.

I have actually ended up feeling quite sad for him, so either he has been totally genuine or he has just played a blinder!

Thanks again for all your comments Flowers

OP posts:
ThisIsATrollThread · 24/02/2015 22:34

That sounds like it went ok. It sounds like he has been sensible and the fact he was worried about pregnancy shows he is thinking. It's good that he now knows he can talk to you.

Tricky this parenting lark isn't it, Smile

claraschu · 24/02/2015 23:05

What a lovely son (and mum).

A couple of things I don't think have been mentioned much: I would try to talk about the emotional side of having a sexual relationship, how it makes everything more serious, and can sometimes put so much pressure on what was a more lighthearted friendship; I would make ds aware of all the side effects of hormonal birth control (my son's girlfriend gained weight, got acne and became extremely moody); I would get ds to talk to gf about what she would do if she accidentally got pregnant, as this is something they should think about together.

I am very often horrified by threads on here where pregnant 14 or 15 year olds apparently want to keep the baby, and everyone has to support that. The boys' feelings are irrelevant in these cases, and I can't help thinking that no one talked to the girls early and often enough about the reality and responsibility of bringing another person into the world.

DaygloYellowLady · 25/02/2015 08:43

OP, you are fab! There's often regret after sex at a young age and it sounds like you've left the door open to support DS if he needs it.
I'm hugely in awe of your parenting skills, my wee people are still too small to be in this position but when they are, I'll be following your model.

Claraschu - any good young people's clinic at a GUM clinic would do that for you too, its part of what we have to do in order to be allowed to see people under 16.

shushpenfold · 25/02/2015 11:57

Well done OP - sounds like you dealt with it really well! Flowers

WellTidy · 25/02/2015 12:14

OP, Sounds to me liek they've had sex once and maybe it didn't go very well, or fell short of his/her/their expactations. Something tells me that they will definitely be giving it another go at some stage Smile.

Its good that they are still togetehr. I first had sex at 17 with my boyfriend at the time, who was 20. I adored him. He finished with me the following week, so it was very much a once and only. I didn't stop adoring him though, and we got back together about six months later. He couldn't actually remember having had sex with me Shock. There wasn't any alcohol or drugs involved, he just couldn't remember it happening Gutted. It took me years to get over it.

MaudeLebowski · 25/02/2015 13:15

I'm just going to offer the alternate side of the story, to everyone who is going to tell you negative stories of heartbreak after yougn sex.

My first love and I got together when we were 15, in September of year 11. He turned 16 in the December. We first had sex in the January. I was 16 in the April.

It was a wonderful relationship filled with respect, love and great sex. We continued until we were 18, breaking up on amicable terms when we were opposite sides of country for university. He is, and was, a lovely man who I am incredibly lucky to have had in my life.

It's not all regret, shame and dumpings.

Pokeymont · 26/02/2015 19:57

My first relationship was an extremely positive experience too. We were young when we first had sex. (both 15) We went out for three years and only split up when I moved away. It was great fun. He was respectful and kind. I remember him fondly.