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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Advice Needed - found an empty condom box in sons room

101 replies

Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 10:31

Ok, here goes, my son is 15, so is his gf.
This morning I found an empty condom box in his room.

He is at school right now and I am not sure how to approach this when he gets home.

We've always had a good relationship and he knows he can come to me with any questions (or so I thought) and he often asks advice and has had no problems talking to me about sensitive subjects in the past.

I think I am both shocked that he is having sex and disappointed, both that he is having sex and that he never spoke to me about it, (although we both know I would have advised against it and would definitely not have wanted it to happen in my house, while I was downstairs (Yes they do go to his room, but we have a door open policy and I am often in and out of the room and upstairs pottering about, which I thought was enough, obviously not)!

I have always said that if you are not mature enough to talk to me about it you aren't mature enough to consider doing it.

Which he seemed to understand and seemed on board with.
They have been together almost a year and although I'm not totally naive I just really never expected this.

What would your approach be?

OP posts:

QueenandKingMum · 24/02/2015 13:28

I would just buy him more, hand it to him and say I was proud of him for practicing safe sex. Possibly advise him to talk to his girlfriend about sorting out her own bc. I'd be wary of alienating them.. I wouldn't tell her parents.

KatieScarlettreregged · 24/02/2015 13:29

As a mother of a DD who had sex aged 15, my response would be;
"I know she is having sex with your son, she told me. She has an implant and I am delighted the message I drummed into her re STI's and condoms took."

zippyandbungle · 24/02/2015 13:30

I wouldn't appreciate it at all unless there was a problem. I have always respected my daughters privacy to a point as I am a very private person. The thought of a random talking to me about my own daughters sex life when there isn't a real issue would be a step too far.
I was in a relationship at 15 having sex and the thought of chatting to my mother about it horrifies me. I was mature, responsible, used condoms and was on the pill. I also knew to take myself off to the doctors for the morning after pill if there was an accident.

QueenandKingMum · 24/02/2015 13:32

My daughter isn't a teen yet but I will be proactive in her birth control options, I wouldn't welcome a conversation about her sex life from her boyfriends parents. I'm sure this girls parents are proactive well.

Original poster

Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 13:34

I really do not want to lose his trust at all but from another point of view If gf gets pregnant, It transpires that I knew they were having sex and armed my son with condoms and didn't speak to her mother so she could consider contraception with her daughter too, would you not be raging?

I have to think I would be, we are talking about the rest of their lives here? Surely an uncomfortable message is better than the alternative?

Or is asking my son if she is on the pill etc enough?

I don't want to alienate them but they are just kids.

Still hoping he's planning water bombing me with the condoms!

OP posts:

DaygloYellowLady · 24/02/2015 13:37

PPs are right, the fact that sex under 16 is illegal makes it easier to protect young people from sexual exploitation - sadly people under 16 are just as able to exploit just as well as older folk.

OP, I'm not sure if I would tell the GF's parents. Could you talk to her yourself? Maybe encourage her to discuss it with her mum or to go to the local
GUM clinic for contraception who will strongly encourage her to discuss it with her parents. In my experience some teens are hugely cagey about their parents finding out that they are having sex so discussing it with them may cause more problems than it solves.

Mrsjayy · 24/02/2015 13:43

my dd was 16 when I found her pill it was in full view on her bedside table so o guess she didn't mind that I knew she just didn't want a conversation about it but if she was 15 and her bfs mum came to me and said they are having sex I would probably be a bit taken a back I would think the mum a bit over invested tbh but would apreciated her concern . But imagine if this girls mum reacted differently to her dd having sex. it might not be intercourse btw it could be other stuff but using a condom

ThisIsATrollThread · 24/02/2015 13:50

I have two DDs (late teens and early twenties) and I would not have wanted to be told by their BFs parents if they were having sex as long as they were in a long term relationship with a boy the same age and if they weren't too far off 16. I would have found it a bit odd.

...however, if they were younger, or if their were other 'issues' (older BF, learning difficulties, unhealthy relationship, reckless behaviour - type of things) I would want to know.
OP - presumably your DS is a sensible lad and you know the girl so I think you are in a position to know if there is any particular reason the parents need to know. Otherwise I think it's not your business. If they are aware of the relationship then I think it's up to them to talk to their own DD. As your DS and his GF have been going out for that long then the GFs parents must be aware that tgey may be sleeping together.
One of my DDs BFs stayed over when he was 16 - I allowed them to sleep in the same room, I didn't ask his parents. They are still dating two years on.

Some of the comments about teens having sex are a bit off - all four of my DC have had long term sexual relationships as teens - all have been respectful, sensible, loving and positive. They don't all act like characters in the Inbetweeners.

MaudeLebowski · 24/02/2015 13:50

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that what he's doing is illegal.

Because that's going to stop them?

Rather illegal and protected, safe and educated than illegal and shunned.

SirVixofVixHall · 24/02/2015 13:53

I have two dds, the eldest is 10. If she was having sex under age and the boy's parents knew, I would want them to tell me, absolutely. I am honestly shocked at how liberal most parents on this thread are. He is only just 15, and I strongly feel that if you aren't old enough to deal with the possible consequences of having sex (e.g STDs, raising a baby or having an abortion) then you are too young to be having it. And who, having just turned 15, could deal with that? I felt that as a teenager too btw, it isn't just an adult stance. And I agree with the pp who said it isn't just older people who manipulate others. My parents didn't allow me to have boys in my room at all, and actually that was a protective thing I was grateful for, as it helped me when I was under pressure from a boyfriend who I felt too young to sleep with. They are still children, and so i do think it is your business op. When he leaves home, and/or is 18, then his sex life is his own affair. Until then, both of them need protecting.

SoupDragon · 24/02/2015 13:55

If you are concerned that the GF is not taking precautions too, talk to your son about it. If she is also not taking precautions, he needs to know the risks.

MaudeLebowski · 24/02/2015 14:07

Agree with SoupDragon - she's not yours to parent. Educate your own son. Ask him questions - its ok to ask if she is using hormonal contraception.

Original poster

Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 14:09

I thought I was quite liberal and now I'm not so sure!

I can see how it could be a bit odd of me to contact her mum though and ds definitely would not appreciate it.

I think it does make sense that her parents will have considered that they are in a relationship which make sit likely that they have had the talk with her and that it is their responsibility.

They are quite sensible teens - mostly!

New plan of action is to talk to ds, let him know what the options are, suggest the local Hub and briefly mention about gf being on pill/other!

All in a very breezy - too cool for school kind of way.

Here's hoping!

OP posts:

KatieScarlettreregged · 24/02/2015 14:12

Sounds like an excellent plan.
Good luck missus

YiIKEA · 24/02/2015 14:16

So glad you aren't talking to her parents. I think it would be really inappropriate - schools, GPs etc won't share this info. It's a consensual same aged relationship, they sound great but yes need to know about what the stats on condom failure mean and that the girlfriend should be better protected too.
Sex at 15 has never been unusual, shocking when it's your baby of course but not shocking in itself...

elastamum · 24/02/2015 14:22

Sounds a much better plan. If you approach the GFs parents he will probably never trust you with anything important again.

I would buy him some more condoms, as a way of breaking the ice, have a brief chat and say if they ever have a crisis (need MAP or something not to be afraid to say). Then I would tell him that they are both welcome in your home and would rather that than them skulking around. That's what my mum did remembers teenage self choking on cornflakes with embarrassment

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 24/02/2015 14:31

I am a mother of two boys, eldest is almost 12.

I stumbled upon a YouTube channel called Sexplanations. It is hosted by Dr. Lindsey Doe, a Clinical Sexologist and she tells you everything factually. I am 40 and have learnt stuff from it

I have let ds1 watch the one on flirting (because it is hard to explain) and the one on how to use a condom correctly because he was asking about what a condom looked like and exactly how to use it. So I showed him. I was raised by a devout Catholic mother who could not and would not answer any questions I had. Dr Doe also does a how to talk to kids about sex video. I have found them very helpful.

If this was my child, I would approach it with "I see that you have used all the condoms, do you need me to get some more for you or are you stocking up yourself?"

It may open up a conversation it may kill it dead.

Interestingly Dr Doe recommends that boys learn to masturbate with a condom on, that way the sensation is the similar and they get used to associating a condom with sex at all times.

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 24/02/2015 14:33

*then similar

Also when I said I showed my son how re the condom, I meant he watched the video on it.

babygiraffe86 · 24/02/2015 14:47

at 15 i began a 3 year long relationship, he was a year older.

i did not speak to my mum about my sex life, but i chose myself to go on the pill. i actually don't think in that 3 years my parents and his parents even met?! pretty sure both sets of parents knew what we were doing though esp. as after a year an a half (me almost 17 him 18) we would stay over at each others houses.

talk to your son, you can also talk to her if necessary, and if your son approves (she might want info on how to get the pill or something, here you can help) - i wouldn't recommend talking to her parents and going behind your son and his girlfriends back though. many of us get through our teens without falling pregnant or getting an STI. actually made it to 28 without either of these - shock horror!

babygiraffe86 · 24/02/2015 14:48

by the way - i am 28 - i didnt get an STI at 28 haha! just read that back and noticed how it looks!

Mrsjayy · 24/02/2015 14:52

Yeah I think talking to your son is a better idea. I am not liberal im abit of a prude if I am honest but I think as parents we need to be sensible about 15yr olds and sex the op doesn't need to approve of her 15yr old having a sexual relationship but she needs to be equipped to deal with it. The fact is he and she are only 15 and are to young to be having sex but what is the op supposed to do

KatieScarlettreregged · 24/02/2015 15:01

I was 17 and three quarters when I first had sex. Before we even got there I had been to my lovely GP to sort out the pill. He was great and was very pleased and supportive of how sensible I was being re: contraception. This was in 1986.
The sex was eventually great (even though the BF turned out to be a twat) and I am thankful it was such a positive time in my life.
That's what I wanted for my DC. No guilt, no shame, just safe and happy.

Original poster

Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 15:21

Yes, I don't approve of them having sex but I can't stop them, so its about prevention now.

Gf is quite shy around us but hopefully they've had the discussion and ds knows that she is on the pill. Best case scenario today is that my ds gf is on the pill! Not how I thought my Tuesday would turn out!!

Ahh the joys :)

Appreciate all the advice, thanks all.

Really has helped.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 24/02/2015 15:21

I was nearly 18 too late starter by todays standards

Original poster

Teenagerwoes · 24/02/2015 15:22

Now to watch some sexplanation videos - thanks TheUnwillingNarcheska

OP posts:

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