Dont know how to deal with DD15 attitude, phone use and curfews

[curlyhair500]

I dont know what to say really but I am really struggling with DD15. It seems a bit silly when I write it down but its mainly arguing over phone use and what time she has to be in and to some that might seem trivial. It is really getting me down as I am fed up with the atmosphere and feeling miserable. She is never off her phone. I caught her texting at 2.30 am the other week and this was on a school night. She can quite happily sit for 5 hours straight on the phone! She is always late for things and subsequently was missing her curfew resulting in more stress and arguments. Since Christmas she has had to be in at 10pm on school nights and 11/11.30 on weekends but she has only kept to these deadlines because I was going to pick her up. Otherwise I know she would be late.

She told us she does not care about anybody but herself and her close friends. I would like to think that this is just talk but I suspect that it is probably the truth and that is so sad. Trying to talk things through with her are a waste of time. I just get upset and get accused of pulling the "guilt" card. She tells me I should be grateful that she is not taking drugs or drinking or getting into other kinds of trouble and I am grateful for that but that does not make her attitude any easier to deal with. Taking away her phone, the curfews and grounding just dont seem to be working and I am tempted to just give in and let her do what she wants for an easy life.

I know that I am not the only one going through this but I would appreciate some advice. Hopefully it will pass but for now, what do I do?

No ones exasperated with you, we have our own teens to properly exasperate us!

Totally agree you and your DH need to be in general agreement, and this will take discussion.

I've just gone back and read all your posts without reading the replies if that makes sense. It seems, as a bystander, your main problem is not that she is doing anything terrible, ie stealing, drugs, truancy - this is good news. BUT there is conflict, the atmosphere in the house is making everyone, especially you, upset and fed up.

Maybe if you sat down with your DH, agreed your three major problems (for example, curfew breaches, arguing and excessive phone use) Then you and your DH think of solutions to solve this behaviour and AGREE which ones to adopt. I know this will be hard, it's easy for me to say it! but maybe think of it as a work meeting, each be polite, listen to each other and make it clear at the end of the discussion you need to have an agreement.

Then sit down with dd, explain how this is making you feel and you have been discussing ways to make it better for everyone. Say you have some ideas, you are going to trial them and she HAS to give this a chance and abide by it.

Rather than you and DH sitting down with her where she might feel ganged up on and it may be easy for you and DH to be conquered and divided , if you drive, can one of you have this conversation in the car (tip I got from MN, works very well with my DC) and then just discuss it calmly at home when hopefully dd thinks you are being fair and feels she is being listened to - IME, crucial for teens.

I don't know if it's useful or not for you. To be very honest, she sounds pretty good to me compared to some teens I know, and this is a dangerous age to alienate your DC. So the advice I'm giving, isn't really specific with solutions to your issues, more useful advice I learnt (mainly from MN!) and hopefully it will help a bit.

Teens require different handling. They make toddlers look like a walk in the park sometimes,and the methods we used to use don't work any more! My worry is, if DC feel nothing they can do is ever good enough, they can just stop trying all together and with her GCSES coming up, it wouldn't be worth risking this IMO.

Think long term too. My DH doesn't see his parents any more (much more serious issues and you sound completely different) but still they've missed out on their gc, and have lost their own DC which is sad. So to put it into perspective, you are by no means a bad parent, you want the best for your dd and it's important she realises this!

I really will stop in a minute as I'm going for a rest, but I forgot to say, one thing that struck me reading your posts is that I think you are a much much better parent than you are giving yourself credit for.

Yes there is conflict with your DH as your parenting styles are different, but you obviously generally love your dd a great deal and want to do the right thing. The fact you are worrying over her upbringing is a sign you care very much. All parents should be like this, a lot aren't sadly as I alluded to in my previous post, so I think you should keep this in perspective and give yourself much more credit for being a good responsible parent.

How are you curly? Any improvements/developments?

Curly, I hope you are ok and that I haven't offended you with anything in my post. Maybe no news is good news?

Fwiw, I've just had a shit couple of days with one of my younger teen DCs and I'm feeling sad and pissed off too now. This is my fault though, I'm in severe pain atm and grumpy - I've stupidly shouted about stuff like clothes on the floor. I feel awful. Karma for me saying I'm not a strict parent as a rule.

Gah. It's hard isn't it. I hope you are all right.

Hi. I am ok and no one has offended me with their posts. I am truly glad to receive any advice. Just trying to sort myself out mainly and not take everything so personally and make things into a much bigger deal than they really are, which is my problem with everything I have to say.

Thank you.

I'm having the same problems with DS1 (15). I have the net going off at 10pm he is to be in by 9.30pm during the week and 10pm at weekends but he just pushes the time limits all the time. Every time he is half an hour later I tell him he comes in 30 minutes earlier the next night.

It's a bind, I thought the terrible twos were bad

Oh and he would need his phone surgically removed from him, he still stays up until silly hours of the morning whether he has his phone or not, or if he has no internet. He is walking around shattered but denies it but will not sleep before 1am ish. He listens to music and plays with his guitar or xbox one.

I just want to let you know you're not alone.