Dont know how to deal with DD15 attitude, phone use and curfews

[curlyhair500]

I dont know what to say really but I am really struggling with DD15. It seems a bit silly when I write it down but its mainly arguing over phone use and what time she has to be in and to some that might seem trivial. It is really getting me down as I am fed up with the atmosphere and feeling miserable. She is never off her phone. I caught her texting at 2.30 am the other week and this was on a school night. She can quite happily sit for 5 hours straight on the phone! She is always late for things and subsequently was missing her curfew resulting in more stress and arguments. Since Christmas she has had to be in at 10pm on school nights and 11/11.30 on weekends but she has only kept to these deadlines because I was going to pick her up. Otherwise I know she would be late.

She told us she does not care about anybody but herself and her close friends. I would like to think that this is just talk but I suspect that it is probably the truth and that is so sad. Trying to talk things through with her are a waste of time. I just get upset and get accused of pulling the "guilt" card. She tells me I should be grateful that she is not taking drugs or drinking or getting into other kinds of trouble and I am grateful for that but that does not make her attitude any easier to deal with. Taking away her phone, the curfews and grounding just dont seem to be working and I am tempted to just give in and let her do what she wants for an easy life.

I know that I am not the only one going through this but I would appreciate some advice. Hopefully it will pass but for now, what do I do?

LOL, she sounds like my DS.

Step back and chill I'd say - she needs to take responsibility for herself and make her own mistakes. Trying to make her go to bed is not one you are going to win with a nearly 16 yearold!

thanks for all your advice bigTilly. I will try. Prob be back again posting tomorrow though :)

I am no expert, but have many friends going through the same, as I did/do/will do again with DD and DS.

You have to step back a bit, if only for self-preservation reasons!

I agree with body clocks being different. I have a dd who is very much like my DH, a complete night owl but she does love her lie ins at the weekend. I just ask that the DC are quiet from 9.30 as DH is now up at 4.30am for work. I know full well this DD stays up late (I check her Facebook occasionally and there are 1am posts!) but she doesn't bother anyone and she just sleeps in at the weekend. It doesn't seem to affect her in the week although she sometimes needs waking twice! Her school work doesn't appear to suffer. DH is like this though, he averages about 6 hrs sleep a night and this is all he needs - I need double this!! I think teenagers have to feel like they can control some things, as well as needing boundaries.

DH and I constantly say to each other "pick your battles" . Something really useful I also got from mumsnet, it was something like

Will this still matter in 10 minutes?
Will this still matter in 10 days?
Will this still matter in 10 years?

It's very helpful to think of this to gain perspective!

You sound like you're doing a very good job tbh.

I dont feel like I am doing a good job tbh. I am stuck in the middle as DH thinks she needs rigid curfews (in bang on time and not a minute later or she loses as hour the next night out). I am a bit more relaxed and we cant agree. I never thought things would end up like this :(

curly I'm afraid you daughter would hate living here. My dd1 is yr10. Her bedtime is 10pm on a school night and 10.30 on a weekend. There is no way I would be letting her come in at 10! Where is she at this time?

I also have the rule that everything goes in my room at bedtime. Phone, tablet, iPod, laptop. And if she tries to hide that she still has it, everything gets taken off her for 24 hours (and I've only just relaxed this from a week)

I use to have to argue all the time a year ago, but then I just started to take it off her for backchat, screaming at me etc, and she has settled down a lot now, because she knows it won't work.

IMO, you are not making life easy for you or her. She doesn't know the groubdrulrs, you keep changing them, therefore she thinks if she argues/ negotiates, you will change them. Hence a battle ensures every time. If you stuck to your guns, in the long run she will stop arguing because their really will be no point.

I say, I will keep arguing with you dd, as it us good for your negotiation skills, but I am not changing my mind. She flounces off.

I kept her stuff for 2 months before Christmas as she bare faced lied over and over and wouldn't admit the truth. I doubt she'll do that again.

I do talk to her. Tell her my reasons, etc but I have to do that when she is calm.

Undermining your husband is not a good thing to do imo. And if I was you right now, I would sit down with him, write up some ground rules that you both agree on and present a united front. Life will not get any easier otherwise.

Hth. Good luck.

groubdrulrs! Ground rules.
Their- there !

Also, just thought, mantras are good.

Dd- it's not fair
You- you're right, it's not, but that's the rule.
Or- it's not fair that my did argues with everything I say, but that's life.

Dd- everyone else has one/can go/stays up later etc.
You- yes, and I'm sure there are other parents who are even stricter. I can go stricter to make you appreciate what you already have, if you like.

Another tactic is to go stricter. They soon stop arguing if they come worse off.

You have to remember imo that if you let teenagers look after themselves, they would eat nothing but crap, stay up late and miss school, is, they have no idea what is best for them (I tell my did this)

I tell her it's my job to parent her to help her turn into a well rounded individual and she may not like how I choose to do it, and prefer me to be like her friends' mums but giving into her and letting her have her own way, when it is detrimental to her well being is not good parenting, and is not showing they care imo.

She has to be in a good place to listen though.

Oh god! Stupid phone!
Did- dd
Is- ie

Take her phone off her? Why does she need a phone at 2:30 am? If she breaks her curfew remove other privileges. At the moment she is making your life difficult and you are making hers easy - flip it.

Thank you sassandfaff. Many different views on MN and all appreciated. I am tying myself in knots over this!

Would you see 5 mins past curfew as breaking it? I would probably let that go whereas DH would make her come in earlier the next time. We just dont agree.

We have a 15 min tolerance on curfew. And up to 30 if explanation given. DSS seemed to work well with that.

I am also worried that if we come down too hard on her then she will do something stupid like not come home at all. She is so stubborn and determined.

Yes, I would see 5 mins past as breaking it. Especially if it was constantly. If she is always always on time and then she is 5 mins late once, I would let that go.

Thing is curly your way isn't working.

You need a united front. Agree with your husband to try his way. What harm can it do?

She is pushing her boundaries. This is completely normal and perfectly acceptable. What is not normal is that you are letting her. She needs to feel secure in the knowledge that she has rules and boundaries and two parents who care enough to enforce them for her benefit because they love her.

Believe it or not, boundaries and structure make children feel secure. It's a scary world when you are just allowed to do what you want. It's safe to say, no, I can't, I'm not allowed if you ever find yourself in a situation where something is hairy ie. Boys/drugs/drink etc.

Hope that makes sense.

You can't be held to ransom because she might do something worse.

The consequences would then have ri be worse.

I would phone the police if she stayed out all night.

She is not in charge. You are.

You really need your husbands help if you can't stand up to her.

Hi curly, firstly a big hug for you, I could have written your post two months ago, it's horrid being piggy in the middle and feeling you can't get anything right. My dd was similar regarding phone/internet use and chatting to people half the night, we took the phone at bedtimes initially but this just made her later and later going to bed then we took anything that had wifi so she would sneak old phones into her room and use the wifi on them. Her attitude and temper were shocking and resulted in screaming matches late at night, leaving everyone feeling awful. We now have her phone downstairs and DH has setup our wifi so only we can use it after 10.30 on schooldays. This wasn't warmly received at first but being rigid has meant it has been accepted quite quickly. One of the biggest breakthroughs I had had with herwas with bedtimes and this might work with your curfews? I said her bedtime was 10.30 (I think it's too late but it was much better than shouting matches at midnight and was late enough to attract her interest). Rules are you have to be physically in bed ready to sleep at 10.30 on the dot, not just about to pay my school bag/ brush teeth etc etc. If she wasn't ready to turn off the lights at 10.30 exactly the next night it's 10.15, 10.00, 9.45 you get the idea. This goes on till you hit the target time when it goes back up by 15 mins until you get back to the max time. I stuck rigidly to this and it was tough but I refused to get worked up, shout etc just sat in her room calmly until she got into bed, she hated it but it worked pretty quickly. We have relaxed the rules slightly although bedtime is still 10.30 but since she isn't being foul anymore it's not a problem for us to be kinder if that makes sense. Sorry this is a bit long but just wanted to offer my ideas and also say that honestly she is a different girl now and whilst I'm sure we've still got more to come, I'm confident that the decent amount of sleep she gets now has made a dramatic difference to everything! Keep your chin up

Sassandfaff, can my dd come and live with you, lol!

And thanks iknowimcoming, I appreciate your comments.

Yes curly

She'd be beggining to come back after a week.

iknowimcoming did it perfectly.

She made boundaries, her dd broke them, so she got consequences. And she didn't deviate from this.

THIS is how you get an easy life.

Your way is the complete opposite, because if you give in, she will just come up with new ways to push the boundaries.

She cant hold me to ransom as you said. She sees all this as ongoing punishment for not doing anything bad and will not accept that we are doing this for her. I dont feel strong enough tbh. Got to toughen up I guess.

New mantra-

" I'm sorry you feel that way, but that's not the way it is"

" I can't keep going over the same thing with you"

" I've explained my reasons"

"I'm not arguing with you anymore, take it up with your dad"

My personal favourite.

"I am listening to you dd, I'm just not giving you the answer you want to hear. That is the difference"

There is lots of advice and I think different methods and differing levels of strictness depend on what sort of DC you have too. As pp said, whatever boundaries you set you have to stick to so it's worth thinking hard about what are your priorities and what boundaries are most important and start from there.

Can I ask out of genuine interest, I'm not being snarky, but those of you that impose set bedtimes with your DC, at what age you would stop doing that?

I think I would phrase it out tbh. I would probably impose it, whilst still at school and then at college, I would probably just be a bit like - "don't you think you should get to bed?"