Dont know how to deal with DD15 attitude, phone use and curfews

[curlyhair500]

I dont know what to say really but I am really struggling with DD15. It seems a bit silly when I write it down but its mainly arguing over phone use and what time she has to be in and to some that might seem trivial. It is really getting me down as I am fed up with the atmosphere and feeling miserable. She is never off her phone. I caught her texting at 2.30 am the other week and this was on a school night. She can quite happily sit for 5 hours straight on the phone! She is always late for things and subsequently was missing her curfew resulting in more stress and arguments. Since Christmas she has had to be in at 10pm on school nights and 11/11.30 on weekends but she has only kept to these deadlines because I was going to pick her up. Otherwise I know she would be late.

She told us she does not care about anybody but herself and her close friends. I would like to think that this is just talk but I suspect that it is probably the truth and that is so sad. Trying to talk things through with her are a waste of time. I just get upset and get accused of pulling the "guilt" card. She tells me I should be grateful that she is not taking drugs or drinking or getting into other kinds of trouble and I am grateful for that but that does not make her attitude any easier to deal with. Taking away her phone, the curfews and grounding just dont seem to be working and I am tempted to just give in and let her do what she wants for an easy life.

I know that I am not the only one going through this but I would appreciate some advice. Hopefully it will pass but for now, what do I do?

Phase!

Actually thinking about my dd, as she would still be 15 yrs old about 5 days before college would start (bday end of Aug) I would probably impose a bed time until she's 17.

We have no screens after dinner except homework. It helps them think about other stuff such as studying, reading, music practice, packing bags for next day and speaking to the rest of the family, watching a programme with us etc. I think it's only by pulling the plug that they start to enjoy other things and get involved with non screen stuff.

We did start years ago with limits like no tv, computers or consoles before breakfast, (still stands but no one thinks of it)..no screens at all on Friday (everyone suddenly gets sociable and ask me stuff or tell me about their day..) .

It all sounds complicated but it's been like that for so long we are in the habit of it and it's normal for us. I did it mainly because I felt uneasy when they first had consoles as little 5 and 6 years olds I didn't like how addictive they are-I find it depressing how life can pass by without anyone truly doing anything except twiddling their thumbs.

They aren't that bothered with their phones and I don't impose limits time wise,but aren't on the Internet with them hardly-just texting a bit on pay as you go. I wouldn't let them text at the table if they tried it...

We didn't have fb etc until they were older ds 14 asked for it last week to arrange Duke of Edinburgh stuff but hadn't been interested before. DD does go on a bit but not prolific at all.

Bed by ten Y10 ds- usually doesn't need telling and I will remind him if necessary, and Y12 dd tends to go about then, we are usually in bed before that and house is shut down wifi off anyway by then.

In the Ops position it is hard to change things that have been the same for years; to suddenly change things feels difficult. You have to pick your battles and decide what's important for you and your family. It is possible to turn of the wifi and have phones handed in/contract changed to pay as you go text only if you decide its for the best and she cannot self regulate. I would tend to say to her if she can't reduce her use and do other things that you will be going down that route.

Sorry if I come across as a smug poster, but I don't give advice in RL, only if asked specifically eg 'how do you make your dcs read/study/practice music/play board games/exercise...answer I don't- but if you limit the screen stuff they will do these things by default.

I am in exactly the same boat as you OP. So many differing views and advice its difficult to know what to do. I'm just worn down by it all. DD says she wants to leave home when she's 18 and can leave school and get a job and quite frankly, this sounds awful, but I cant wait.

OK so she's been a couple of minutes late in the last 2 nights. Do we make her come in an hour earlier next time? Its just not working.

Another 2 hour discussion and we are no further forward. She wont listen to any other point of view but her own. Stubborn to the last.

I wouldn't make her come in an hour earlier. She could just not bother. I would tell her she can't go out at all for 1 night.

There is no discussing with a 15 yr old. Stop discussing and tell her the way it's going to be. Get your husband in board as well, so that he backs you up.

She who is 15 with hormones can not be reasoned with.

Remember-

I can't discuss this with you anymore.

This is the way it's going to be.

I have explained why.

I will not be changing my mind.

There will be consequences if you break the rules. So it's up to you.

It might be an idea to ask yourself why you don't like the idea of being stricter with her, or issuing punishment?

Do you think it's unfair on her?
Do you want her to like you?
Do you think it's too harsh?
Do you think -"if I just keep talking to her, she'll eventually agree that I am reasonable?
Do you think, it's too much hard work for you?

Etc etc.

Until you understand and overcome your reluctance to implement new measures, it will stay the same.

Not meant harshly.

I agree with Sass, until YOU take control this will not get better, in fact it will probably get worse as she is testing your limits and will continue to test them. Me and my dh couldn't agree on the way forward with dd, which definitely made the situation worse as he didn't want to be strict (for many of the reasons sass suggested, but that's a long story!) so we agreed that I would manage the situation completely and he would only back me up if necessary. Can I suggest you pick 2 or 3 of the worst problems with her and write them down, decide upon the consequences of breaking your rules I.e. Late home, next night not allowed out etc, make it simple and clear, then sit her down and tell her the rules (not discuss) and explain the consequences of breaking them, don't make it tool long and go into her attitude etc just stick to facts. Then enforce it to the letter no exceptions no excuses, no just this once! It will be hard going initially but it's a bit like controlled crying it's surprising how quickly it improves, then when you've got those issues sorted you can tackle other stuff if you wish. Can I recommend divas and door slammers, by Charlie Taylor, I haven't read it all but it seems to have some good ideas. My dad had a go at trying out on he other night and I used by firm by calm method again and she soon piped down, we actually went shopping together on Saturday and had a lovely time. Sorry my post is long but one more thing I really want to say is just like toddlers praising the good stuff really makes a difference no matter how small and how hard it is to be nice when they are driving you bonkers. Particularly when it's to do with the rules ie well done you coming in before your curfew, I really appreciate it, thank you. Good luck

Should read my dd had a go at trying it on the other night! Ipad grrr!

Think of it like this.

2 parents, each have a 4 year old.

One parent has told their 4yr old, sweets only on a sat.

One parent has no such rule.

Parent 1 takes their DC shopping. He asks for sweets, she says no, only on a sat. DC doesn't cry, because he knows it won't help. He waits till sat.

Parent 2, goes shopping, child asks for sweets, parent says no. Child kicks off, crying, tantruming because firstly there is no rule to understand and secondly it worked last time.

In these scenarios where parent 1 has rules and boundaries child 1 will be quite placid and accepting.

Child 2, will be pushy, crying and tantruming until they get what they want.

Child 1 is not a better behaved child IMO. Child 1 is being parented in a way that spares them the emotional drama.

Child 2 is being parented or not parented IMO to be quite unhappy and resentful.

When they know the rules and the consequences they are happier.

It is hard for some parents to grasp. You cannot parent them as a friend. Conversely, they will not respect you if you do.

Is your daughter happier now iknow ?

Dd is much happier thanks sass and the whole mood in the house has lifted dramatically! It's like a snowball effect the nicer she is the nicer we are to her and the nicer she is etc etc. We still have moments, don't get me wrong but I can cope with moments, it was the relentless daily conflict that wore me down as seems to be the case with poor Curly

I guess that I dont like the idea of being stricter with her because the things she is doing are not so bad. Also yes to your questions Sass. I do want her to like me, I did think that if I just keep talking etc (not any more though - realised there is no point in discussing this with her) and I think it will be too much hard work. Gonna have to try though aren't I?

DD is just not getting this curfew thing. She is supposed to be in on time and if late then loses an hour the next night. So out of maybe 9 or 10 nights, she has been late 4 times. I was trying to let it go as its only 2 or 3 minutes but after the third time I made her come in an hour early which she did. So whats she gone and done now, yes, late in again last night. Granted only 3 minutes or so but why? I texted her whilst she was out to say dont be late etc as well. She doesnt see it as a problem so once again there were words with DH before bedtime and so it goes on.

I'm at the end of my tether but its only me who seems to be affected so much by it all :(

Curly. You seem to be going through a rough time but it looks as if you are the main one suffering here. I can sympathise as I am like this myself. I am torn between being strict to the letter and being a bit more lenient. You dont really see being a few minutes late in as being too much of an issue but your DH obviously thinks it is and that is going to cause more tension in the home. Surely she will get tired of being made to lose an hour out the next time when she comes in late? It might just be a case of sticking to your guns.

I agree curly stick to your guns. If she's late, she looses an hour every time. Keep going. It will be worse to start with. She will lash out. Try to ignore her. Don't take anything to heart.

If she still continues to be late, after 2 weeks or a month of consequences. (You decide) ground her for one night. Say, you're obviously not learning from the hour earlier consequence.

She is not going to like you trying to wrestle control back, but you have to. A 15 year old child has no right to be in control of her parents.

Even 2 or 3 minutes?

Do you think she is trying to get back on time? Or do you think she is pushing your boundaries?

I would like to believe she is trying to get back on time but she doesnt think it matters if she is a few minutes late. I just dont know. She has a big problem with timekeeping generally.

Is she late EVERY time?

No not every time. Late in maybe 4 times out of 10 by a few minutes.

This dropped off my threads list so I didn't realise it was still going.

Sorry you are still having a tough time.

I'm sure I'm at the much less strict end of the parenting spectrum to other posters on here so this may well be disagreed with. But we are all different and our DC are different so I think whilst it's very useful to hear a variety of views, you have to find the way that works for you and your family.

I personally wouldn't worry at all if DC are back two or three minutes late 40% of the time, particularly if they're using public transport. I usually have a five min buffer zone, then I would text them. If they haven't texted me, or reply to my text after 10 mins, they would be grounded for the next occasion. It works for me but of course it may not for others.

As for bedtimes, the idea of a strict bedtime for older teenagers I genuinely think is a bit overkill. For the previous poster who said they would be doing this at 17 - I was living with my DP at 17!

Thinking of parenting styles, my parents were quite unusual. The only strict rules my parents imposed were: never ever lie, tell us where and who you are with, tell us what time you will be back. They also said if we were in any trouble and couldn't reach us (pre mobiles!) there was an emergency taxi fund in the house, get a taxi and come straight home.

We had a good relationship and we were honest with each other, I'm sure they worried under the surface, particularly when I moved in with my bf at 17 however we are happily married with DC over twenty years later. We are still extremely close to my parents and I try and bring up my DC as they brought me up.

I will say I definitely wasn't an angel, my parents always knew where and who I was but I did do a lot of stuff which terrifies me now I have older DC. I have given them the info about safe sex, drugs, the usual stuff. It would be hypocritical of me to ban stuff, and also I think counter productive. It seems to work for us, I don't want to know exactly what they are doing every minute, I want them to be safe, fairly sensible and know they can always talk to me, no matter what. You have to have a good relationship for your DC to do this. I sound like an old hippy - funnily enough my parents were hippies!

I have gone on a bit sorry, I just wanted to demonstrate that not being very very strict can also be an option and it works for some families. Not all, I do realise that.

yes it was me who mentioned the bed times, but I said I would stop at 17. I said I would stop after they finished school, but then realised my dd1 would still be 16 for the whole of her 1st year at college (august baby) so I would probably carry on until she was 17.

curly it's hard to get a grasp on what you want. You seem to be upset at the way your dd treats you/views you, which would IMO entail being stricter and setting boundaries which in turn would probably build respect for you from your dd. But then you give the impression that you don't want to fight with your dd and would be OK with letting her have her own way, if it give you an easy life. The spanner in this idea seems to be your dh, is that correct?

Either way your problem with your dd is being exacerbated by the obvious differing stance with your dh. You really need to sort this out first IMO.

Can you both not meet in the middle, him to give more leeway, you to be a bit tougher. Sit down and agree on something, present a solid united front and don't deviate from this.

You all must be exasperated with me. I just dont know what I want do I? I alternate between being stricter and more lenient and round and round it goes in my head. Yes if DH and I could agree and be happy about any arrangements then it would be half the battle. Thanks for all the advice anyway. I appreciate it.

The future looks like its going to be rocky and I'll just have to ride it out.

It's not exasperation, it's more that it's hard to help you when you haven't got a firm idea of what you want/need help with.

I can help you be stricter, but only if that is what you want? Iyswim.

Dh is the key here. He is adding to your stress with dd because you don't agree with him and you are adding to his because you want to let her ride rough shot over his authority.

Ie. You are both undermining each other, probably much to dd's delight.

This problem needs attending to first I think.

Good luck.