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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Dont know how to deal with DD15 attitude, phone use and curfews

106 replies

curlyhair500 · 17/02/2015 09:53

I dont know what to say really but I am really struggling with DD15. It seems a bit silly when I write it down but its mainly arguing over phone use and what time she has to be in and to some that might seem trivial. It is really getting me down as I am fed up with the atmosphere and feeling miserable. She is never off her phone. I caught her texting at 2.30 am the other week and this was on a school night. She can quite happily sit for 5 hours straight on the phone! She is always late for things and subsequently was missing her curfew resulting in more stress and arguments. Since Christmas she has had to be in at 10pm on school nights and 11/11.30 on weekends but she has only kept to these deadlines because I was going to pick her up. Otherwise I know she would be late.

She told us she does not care about anybody but herself and her close friends. I would like to think that this is just talk but I suspect that it is probably the truth and that is so sad. Trying to talk things through with her are a waste of time. I just get upset and get accused of pulling the "guilt" card. She tells me I should be grateful that she is not taking drugs or drinking or getting into other kinds of trouble and I am grateful for that but that does not make her attitude any easier to deal with. Taking away her phone, the curfews and grounding just dont seem to be working and I am tempted to just give in and let her do what she wants for an easy life.

I know that I am not the only one going through this but I would appreciate some advice. Hopefully it will pass but for now, what do I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

curlyhair500 · 21/02/2015 18:42

Had a lovely chat with one of DD's best friends mums who went through similar with her DD but things are better now. Unfortunately the problem is that her other best friend's mum seems to set no boundaries with her and subsequently the kids are constantly at her house and not supervised. This is the friend she keeps asking to sleepover with but I insist that her mother is actually in the house if she stays. The girls do seem quite sensible though so I guess I have to trust them and that they will look out for each other.

Anyway, thats just one of the problems. Its just so hard to deal with right now but as everyone says, it will (hopefully) pass and she will turn out to be lovely - I can only pray!

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Original poster

curlyhair500 · 22/02/2015 09:01

This is turning into a daily blog and form of therapy for me!

I feel that I am handling this all wrong. I was fretting over things all day yesterday and all night. Why am I agreeing that she can sleepover at her friends house next weekend after only two days into our current arrangement of curfews etc? She hasnt been any more pleasant, just keeping out of everyone's way at home so I told her no, at the moment she cannot have sleepovers just yet but that we will see how things improve over the next few weeks. After all she got her own way with the phone use on weekends. BTW she was still up at 3am on it when this last conversation occurred and has to be up at 9.30 this morning. Not looking forward to seeing her.

I think I have to make a decision and stick to it and not be intimidated by her.

Thanks for your support everyone.

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YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 22/02/2015 10:26

It's interesting seeing things written down isn't it?

Well done on sticking to your guns. If she really wants to sleep over, would it be worth giving her a positive target to achieve? I know it sounds like something you would use with a younger child but I have a teen that constantly forgets one thing she needs to take with her. I started saying £1 off your pocket money each time you do it, but then realised she was ending up with no money and I was ending up shouting. So I said, if you can remember it for a week without being rewarded you can have xxx (usually something like a McDonald's ) and she was motivated to do it. It's finding out what works for them, and you.

Don't worry about the phone thing, if she's tired, she will learn. As long as she knows she can't take it out on you.

You sound like you're doing very well at the moment! I've enjoyed the relaxed half term, dreading going back to early starts and book bags tomorrow.

bigTillyMint · 22/02/2015 11:03

"I think I have to make a decision and stick to it and not be intimidated by her" this is hard, particularly when you don't like massive confrontations and bad feelings.

She is a teen and is trying to fight for what she wants as she thinks she is old enough to know what is best for her. Only you can decide whether her making mistakes is better/worse than the fight to try to get her to do what you think is best.

It's not easy with teens, is it?!

Gymbob · 22/02/2015 14:19

this is my 15 yo to a t. we have set the WiFi to go off at 9 on school nights and 10 on weekends, but last night I agreed to extend it to 11. she went ballistic at first, but overall its so much better than shouting at them to turn it off, they know it goes off automatically and unless they have my password for the EE server they've had it.

would you dare do that?!

my view is that if they can't self regulate it has to be done for them. I do feel for you, my dd is just horrid

Gymbob · 22/02/2015 14:19

would you dare do that?!

my view is that if they can't self regulate it has to be done for them. I do feel for you, my dd is just horrid

gaggiagirl · 22/02/2015 14:25

Sounds like things are getting better curly. Really glad its helped you to see it all written down.

Original poster

curlyhair500 · 22/02/2015 17:22

Thanks all. No point turning the wi fi off as her phone has 3G or 4G or whatever? ( Not great with all this technology stuff!) Gonna try this arrangement and see if it works and hope she keeps to the curfews as well.

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Piratespoo · 22/02/2015 17:31

What exactly do you worry about? What is the problem with her playing on her phone? Why don't you like it? It's a pretty harmless occupation isn't it?

Original poster

curlyhair500 · 22/02/2015 17:35

Hi Pirate. Its when its all through the night and she's got school next day. Dont know who she's talking to or what she's looking at all that time. Just worry too much about everything I suppose.

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Gymbob · 22/02/2015 17:49

quite rightly so curly. its not harmless! teens should only have 2 hours a day, it affects their brains. do you monitor and check history? mine was groomed, her phone was with CID for 6 months.

Piratespoo · 23/02/2015 21:29

At what point is she going to learn some responsibility though? I get the safety thing, you should talk to her about that...but when will she learn if she goes to bed late, she'll be tired and then she'll be late for school and then she'll get into trouble...surely she needs to learn that lesson too?

Original poster

curlyhair500 · 24/02/2015 15:20

I know I am going to have to let go in the not too distant future and give DD more freedom and hope she is sensible enough not to get into too much trouble. But for now I am just trying to guide her through the next few months until GCSE's are over. Its not that she's just late going to bed, its that she's up at 4 am that I have the problem with. I dont think she's too bothered about getting into trouble at school for being late and tbh the only reason she isnt late for school at the moment is because I give her a lift. I must be mad!

I know the phone use is not a great problem, neither is the always being late in but its the attitude, sulking, ignoring everybody, snapping at everyone and general unpleasantness at home that is making me feel ill and making things feel like they are so much worse than they really are.

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bigTillyMint · 24/02/2015 15:27

I know how you feel - torn between helping her through her GCSEs and getting her to take more responsibility for herself - it's very difficult, isn't it.

Her unpleasantness is almost certainly down to her lack of sleep IMHO. DD finally realised how badly lack of sleep affects her and now she tries to get as much as she can, at least in the week.

Original poster

curlyhair500 · 24/02/2015 15:40

DD has always been very strong willed and independent, since she could make her own wishes known at about the age of 2! I really would like to believe that its just lack of sleep making her unpleasant but not sure if its true.

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bigTillyMint · 24/02/2015 15:43

She is a teenager AND she is not getting enough sleep. That definitely results in horridness!

Original poster

curlyhair500 · 24/02/2015 15:52

Did did your DD realise that she wasnt getting enough sleep bigTillyMint? Mine insists that she is.

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Original poster

curlyhair500 · 24/02/2015 21:42

I meant to say when did your DD realise that she wasnt getting enough sleep.

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bigTillyMint · 25/02/2015 07:00

Well I think it was during the summer holidays when she became a much nicer person because she was getting more sleep! We were on a family holiday that involved dome very early starts and spending all day together and it seemed to dawn on her!
No saying she doesn't burn the candle at all now, bit it is better than it was!

Original poster

curlyhair500 · 25/02/2015 08:10

This is so hard and all over not very much indeed. Tried having a discussion with dd last night with not much success. She wont even attempt to try and make things better between us. She is outraged that the phone is banned from 10pm schoolnights and all she wants to know is how long till she can have it for longer. All I say is that when things improve we will look at it again but she wants to know how long. 2 weeks? 3 weeks? I wont give a time scale to her so its going to be her staying in her room, keeping away from everyone. She thinks this is a good thing as it does avoid conflict. And so it goes on! Feel like giving in I am so worn out by it all :(

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Original poster

curlyhair500 · 27/02/2015 07:37

Even though phone is removed at night she is still up till 1 AM messing around in her room. Is she just being stubborn to make a point? I cant physically force her into bed so what do I do? Remove her music, possessions? It feels like we are punishing her just to make her do things that we want her to do as she hasnt done anything wrong as such. She's not getting enough sleep in my opinion. I dont think she is ever going to realise that this is for her own good :(

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bigTillyMint · 27/02/2015 08:35

I think you have to step back. You can't make her go to sleep - she has to mature and take more responsibility for herself before that will happen. Teenagers body clocks generally make them operate on a different timetable to us.

I know DD finds it difficult to get to sleep/stay asleep if something is worrying her. Could that be an issue?

curlyhair500 · 27/02/2015 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigTillyMint · 27/02/2015 13:36

Has she always been very compliant in the past?

Just wondering if she is feeling that she has to push really hard to try to break away from you a bit - Y11 is growing-up time! - and wants to assert a different personality IYSWIM?

Original poster

curlyhair500 · 27/02/2015 13:44

Nope, she's never been very compliant. Always been stubborn and has known her own mind. Will argue black is white and I must say she is excellent at putting across her point of view. You almost end up agreeing with her! I am probably making far too much of a big deal about this but I just want the best for her, as we all do for our kids, and I dont want her to make mistakes and regret things in the future.

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