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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage daughter's Boyfriend

30 replies

Ddibi4 · 08/01/2015 20:36

First of all, I should say that I'm not a mum, I'm a teenage daughter, but I thought this would be a good place to ask this question, so I made an account. I am turning 18 in two weeks' time, and my boyfriend turned 18 a couple of months ago, meaning that he is legally an adult and I will be very soon. When my boyfriend stops over, he is made by my parents to sleep on the sofa, and because our sofa has 'hard bits' and isn't very comfortable, this gives him a really bad back that has caused him to have really painful migraines in the past. I have a double bed and am on the pill, and have been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years. Do you think my parents are right to ban him from sleeping in my bed with me? What would you do in this situation, as a parent or in my position?

OP posts:

Cocolepew · 08/01/2015 20:39

Its their house so yes. If its too uncomfortable for him he can always go home.

Azquilith · 08/01/2015 20:41

It's their house unfortunately. I'm 30 with a child and my parents still don't like my partner sleeping over.

Fairylea · 08/01/2015 20:42

Maybe he could buy a blow up bed just to use when he comes to stay? Could you stay at his? I wouldn't want my dd sleeping with her boyfriend in my house at 18 or any age I don't think. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. I think your parents are probably the same.

sebsmummy1 · 08/01/2015 20:44

I think we can't dictate what is reasonable for your parents I'm afraid.

Are you off to Uni soon? Once you become independant you can make up your own rules and Uni is often the precursor to that. Unfortunately whilst you are still dependant on your parents and living in the family home it is reasonable for you to go along with their rules unt you can get the hell out

Chipsahoythere · 08/01/2015 20:44

If he's getting very painful migraines why does he stay over at all? If a sofa is that bad it's not worth it.

Unfortunately it's their house and their rules. You don't get to decide.
My fiancé isn't allowed to share my bed in my parents' house!

sebsmummy1 · 08/01/2015 20:44

*until

Mrsgrumble · 08/01/2015 20:44

I agree with your parents - I would by an inflatable bed for him to use downstairs

I left home at 18 for my privacy and independence. My parents don't allow my 31 year old brother (who lives with his gf ) to have her sleep in his room when they visit.

SavoyCabbage · 08/01/2015 20:45

He will have to go home then. If the facilities aren't up to scratch.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 08/01/2015 20:46

I did let my sons girlfriend sleep in his bed once they the age of consent. They had been together for a while. I felt anything else was a bit hypocritical and also clarified with them that this gave me the right to discuss contraception with both of them. Would not have allowed it for brand new or constantly changing partners.
Planning to do the same with younger kids, so not really an issue.

poisonedbypen · 08/01/2015 20:48

When there was a thread about this the other way round last week, everyone told the mother that the boyfriend should be allowed to stay. We allow DD's boyfriend to stay (same age) but his parents don't let her. Means we see much more of them. But as others have said, they can make the rules, even if you are an adult.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 20:51

When you get your own place you can make the decisions about sleeping arrangements

Maybe when your parents come to stay with you in years to come, you could make one of them sleep on the sofa

I have a daughter your age, and her boyfriend of 2.5 years is not allowed to sleep in her bed when we are there. However, we don't mind what they do when we are away. Contradictory ? You betcha.

usualsuspect333 · 08/01/2015 20:52

I would let him sleep in your bed. I'm not your mum though.

DirtyBlonde · 08/01/2015 20:52

It's their house, and so he'll have to like it or lump it. Whether those house rules are reasonable or not isn't the key point to me. They exist and a guest who wants to keep the hosts' good opinion abides by them.

If you are not happy with the set up there, you will need to start planning how to live independently. At 18, you can sign binding contracts, so many things become much easier. A room in a shared flat/house?

marne2 · 08/01/2015 20:56

If I was your parent I would let you share a bed, but I'm not your parent and I'm afraid it is their house and their rules, doesn't make any difference how old you are.

CatCushion · 08/01/2015 20:57

It's their house, their rules so what I would do isn't relevant.

As you're asking, it's not so much the length of time you've been together, much more to do with the level of (mature) and open communication from you both, with me, and turning up/leaving on time, helping out, etc. It's more to do with having a future together than a past!
Beyond that, it is how you behave around the house, not hogging the TV, bathroom, kitchen etc and being considerate (and quiet). So if that's all fine then unless there are younger siblings to consider, Id let your boyfriend stay in your room - but as my guest, in my home.

42bunnytails · 08/01/2015 20:59

I think they are being unreasonable, if he is a good lad and a serious BF.

I was 20 rather than 18 and at uni, but I'm forever grateful that my parents and my now DHs DM never batted an eyelid at us sharing a bed.

We did so from his very first visit and it was never an issue.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 08/01/2015 20:59

You are still your parents little girl. They really do not want to hear you or think about you having sex. I hated it at your age too, but appreciate their pov now.

I also think it encourages relationships that might not otherwise last, to last. Do they like him?

Time to go to UNI halls? Get a job and rent?

AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 21:01

they are not being unreasonable, they are making a choice

if that choice doesn't suit, then you have to like it or find alternative accomodation

HappyAsASandboy · 08/01/2015 21:04

Their house, their rules I'm afraid!

For what it's worth, my mum made us sleep separately until we were married. Engaged didn't cut it - married was the requirement.
apart from the time she didn't clear the spare room, had several glasses of wine and said stuff it he can sleep in your room. Went back to separate rooms again next visit though!

CalicoBlue · 08/01/2015 21:04

I let my son and his girlfriend sleep in his bed, since they were both 16. I would not have a problem if my daughter had a steady boyfriend and wanted him to stay over as long as they are both over 16.

Unfortunately it is your parents house and up to them. Though it does seem very old fashioned for parents to not let unmarried couples sleep together.

whyhasmyheadgonenumb · 08/01/2015 21:06

When I was your age I was allowed to stay in my boyfriends bed at his house but not at my parents house - I stayed at his house a lot. Then, on my 18th birthday we got a flat together, problem solved.
That was a long time ago though, I didn't understand it at all then, now I have a daughter I do.

Plateofcrumbs · 08/01/2015 21:07

Really amazes me how many parents don't let adult children share a bed with their partner under their roof. Yes fair enough you can set your own house rules, but at some stage I think it's respectful to treat adults as adults, even if they happen to be your children.

ZenNudist · 08/01/2015 21:12

Is the migraine thing real or an excuse? Everyone I've ever known suffer from migraine does everything they can to avoid setting them off. I've never heard if bad back leading to migraine. I also think its a shame for the poor lad suffering from a bad back at his age. He'll be stuffed by the time he's 35!

Btw I agree with your parents. In fact I think it's very kind of them to let him stay. In their shoes is be more than a bit suspicious of what might go on after lights out (I speak from experience!). Difficult for you to see it now but you're only 17, I wouldn't be facilitating your sex life in their shoes either. I don't see age as being relevant either. 17,18, into your twenties- I wouldn't expect to be able to have a boyfriend to sleepover.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 08/01/2015 21:18

What would they say if you made the suggestion that you sleep on the sofa and he has your bed, for his back and migraines?

I think they are being unreasonable but in the end it is their house.

Heyho111 · 08/01/2015 22:38

I allow my kids to share a room with their long term partners. I don't understand why parents are against it if their child is in a good loving relationship.
However I don't think you can demand it. I would however ask why they won't allow it and try to have an adult conversation about it. However if they won't allow it there's not much you can do. Perhaps getting a camp bed would be an option.

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