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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? 14 y.o girl and NYE...

116 replies

buzzingbees · 31/12/2014 11:49

My 14 y.o daughter wishes to spend NYE at a friend's (boy's) house. In total, it will be 4 girls and 2 boys (including her). All these children have been friends since reception at primary school, and I know all their parents - however, I am just not happy with her staying the night. The boy's parents will be out for NYE but will be home later in the evening; I am within walking distance but I am not happy as I know what 14 y.o girls and boys can get up to. DD promises me they are all 'friends' and nothing 'dodgy' will happen. She has taken huge offense to me not letting her go and does not understand why I am not happy, and I am starting to rethink. Am I being unreasonable by not letting her go? I have spoken to all her friend's parents and they are fine with it. Any advice welcome!

OP posts:

BrevilleTron · 31/12/2014 14:33

I have just asked DD (14) and she says let her go but put rules on the drink.
From the child's mouth.

ElizabethHoover · 31/12/2014 14:34

if only we had a voting thread thing
we have been asking for YEARS

Annunziata · 31/12/2014 14:36

It is a tantrum... she cries and sulks and won't come out of her room, and then she gets what she wants anyway.

I would give her half an hour to snap out of it and if she was behaving herself, then she could go. If she's intent on being a child, she'd be at home like one.

norightanswer · 31/12/2014 14:36

I would let me 14 DD go and also sleepover. You know the parents and other kids that will be there. Your DD is more likely to be sensible as there is a good chance that you would find out if she's not, as you know everyone!! The parents are going to be coming home as well so they won't be left overnight on their own. I know how you must feel, I would definately be apprehensive if it was a sleepover with 'new' friends where you don't know the family, but I'm sure she will be fine. Make sure you have a good NYE yourself at least you can have a few drinks and not worry about having to go and pick her up at midnight!!

bigTillyMint · 31/12/2014 14:38

Can you not say that she can go this time, but that it's a test of trust. That you trust her to behave sensibly and that if she does, then you will consider future nights out. Also make sure that she knows that if anything untoward starts happening and she wants to leave, that you/another adult will come for her immediately.

FWIW, I have a 15yo DD and there is a point when you have to start trusting them. I would think that this is a fairly safe situation - friends since reception, you know the parents who will be back at some point, all within walking distance. If not now, when will you trust her away from you?

Ubik1 · 31/12/2014 14:47

I would let her go.

And I would tell her that I am trusting her to be sensible. If she can handle this occasion without drinking too much etc then that might pave the way for you to trust her further.

I would text patents and ask them to phone you if they find anything amiss when they get home. Make it clear that if this happens, 2015 will be a very dull year.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 31/12/2014 14:50

She's having a tantrum because the OP is being completely unreasonable and her daughter knows that. Making her come home at ten is ridiculous - I agree that if I were her I'd rather not go than go and have to leave at ten.

It's nothing to do with pandering to tantrums. The Op got it wrong, and her daughter would respect her more for being able to admit to that. Trying to make her participate in 'family fun' would be entirely counter-productive too.

OP - tell her that if she can stop screaming/sulking/whatever it is she's doing now and be downstairs in half an hour ready to have a rational conversation, then you are willing to discuss things further.

Flywheel · 31/12/2014 15:10

I would let her go to. She's upset - don't hold that against her if you are changing your mind and admitting you were unreasonable in the first place.

circular · 31/12/2014 15:11

Agree with those saying good practise for when 18 and away at Uni.
I would let her go, like the idea of regular texting too
I have DD1 (17) and would have let her do similar at that age if she wanted to. As it happens, only really started partying this year but fortunately encouraged her to try out drinks at home and family events so understands the effects. Very sensible when she goes out now, also with a mixed group of trusted friends tonight but they do drink. Still has instructions to call if in difficulties and needs to get away.
Would also let DD2 (12) out in similar situation in a couple of years.

SecretSquirrels · 31/12/2014 15:47

OP you have to learn to give way a little and she has to learn to handle these occasions. What better way to learn than with old friends from primary school.
DS1 went to lots of mixed sleepovers at 13 and 14. I was more wary when he was a little older to be honest.
I would let her go. It's quite a big thing to her and she will remember this.
A 10pm pick up on NYE is a bit over protective and unfair I think. Not surprised she would rather not go. Also next time she might have learned not to ask you and just to lie like I did.

IHaveBrilloHair · 31/12/2014 15:55

All you will do by stopping this is push her into lying and make her resent you.
If at any point she does get into a bad situation, who do you want her to call, you or a reasonable friend's Mum who she feels she can talkto ?

rollonthesummer · 31/12/2014 16:28

I hope you let her go, OP. They'll probably have a wonderful time :)

CheeseBuster · 31/12/2014 16:56

You are being mean and unreasonable. They've been friends since primary. You know their parents. You are five minutes away. It is easy enough to bunk school and down a bottle of vodka whenever they want. It sounds like a very tame teen get together. You sound overly anxious and treating her like she's 8.

noddyholder · 31/12/2014 18:01

I think it sounds innocent too and have seen worse with teens in the park

noddyholder · 31/12/2014 18:01

All the things you say yes to with average decent teenagers really builds trust

CarmelasFridge · 31/12/2014 18:09

Getting her at 10pm was daft. What time have you agreed to OP? 1am is fair. Pain in the arse for the driver (you?) though.

usualsuspect333 · 31/12/2014 18:10

Of course I would let her go.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 31/12/2014 18:14

My parents used to not let me go to stuff like this when all my friends were. It was so embarrassing and made me feel depressed . I then became very secretive which was not nice for both parties.

CarmelasFridge · 31/12/2014 18:15

If something went wrong, we'd all be tutting at leaving a bunch of 14 year olds alone in a house. Asking for trouble etc.

usualsuspect333 · 31/12/2014 18:19

She will just lie next time.

Rather she goes with the OPs blessing so if something does go wrong she can ring her mum and get some help.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 31/12/2014 18:21

It's half a dozen 14 year olds, for a few hours, within walking distance of some or all of their parents.

SecretSquirrels · 31/12/2014 18:29

Pain in the arse for the driver Yes. I'm just setting off to deliver DS1 to a friend 20 miles away. When I get back I am taking DS2 to a friend 5 miles away in the next village.
DH is picking one up at 1230 and the other at 1am .

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 31/12/2014 18:37

I would let her go and tell her that you are only doing it because you know how sensible she is and that you trust her. And also make her promise that if anything at all happens that worries or she thinks might need an adult intervention that she calls you and you WILL NOT OVER REACT you just want her to know that she can call you regardless of what it is.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 31/12/2014 18:40

I also think its pretty crappy if youre a good, sensible teen, with good friends and you keep to the rules that that isnt rewarded with being trusted when you ask to be. You might as well be a rebel and go do the naughty stuff anyway if there is no reward for being good.

noddyholder · 31/12/2014 18:50

I agree she could have lied as many do. My son is 20 now and I often wanted to say no but couldn't justify it and he has never let me down although I have mopped up sick and put back together many of his mates who had lied about what was going on. They are all without exception lovely young men now but the ones who were on a tight leash were definitely worse

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